CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

1989

I contacted Andrea and asked her to send a cleaning crew to my place.

It only took the supervisor one look at my bedroom to tell me that I needed new carpet and a new bed. I decided to play it safe and opt to leave the original timber floor exposed instead of having new carpet laid.

Chances were, this wouldn’t be the only time I’d piss Ashley Morrison off and she’d pull another stunt like that.

I eventually showered and changed and left my house to a team of cleaners, who had also, for an undisclosed amount of cash, agreed to rip up and dump both my carpet and mattress.

I arrived back at Ashley’s just after five. There was a brand new silver Ford Fiesta sitting in the parking spot assigned to the flat at the back of the shop.

The problem I had now was that I didn’t know if Ash was in the shop or at home. I really didn’t fancy arguing with her in the shop, so I walked to the nearest pay phone and called Georgia’s old number, assuming Ash has kept it. It picked up after the third ring.

Like the complete coward that I was, I hung up. I walked back to her flat and went up the stairs and pressed the buzzer.

“Hello?” A bloke answered.

Fuck, a bloke. I wasn’t counting on that. Fuck my luck. Oh well, I’ve come this far, I’m not backing down now.

“Delivery for Ms. Morrison.” I held my nose and said.

Fuck knows why I held my nose, but I did.

“Yeah, come through.” The bloke, fuckhead, told me.

I cracked my knuckles, unsure of what I was about to encounter as I headed through the first set of doors and along the short hallway to the front door.

What I wasn’t expecting was a bloke of about a hundred, holding a screwdriver.

“All right, mate. She’s just popped downstairs to the shop for minute. I’ll take...” He trailed off, pushed his glasses up his nose and looked a bit closer at me.

“‘Err, ain’t you one of Frank’s boys? The rock star one?”

Ha, result. I knew this bloke. He’d worked for my dad for years.

“Yes, mate. Bloody hell, Joe, ain’t it?” I held my hand out to shake his.

“Sammy, actually, but close enough, son.” I’m so shit with names.

“Sammy, of course. Sorry mate.” He shook my hand anyway.

“I’m here putting a new bed together that that young Ashley had delivered. She shouldn’t be long. I was just hanging about till she came back, but if you’re here, I can shoot off.” He said.

“Yeah, yeah, you go, mate. Get off home.” I pulled a twenty out of my pocket. “Thanks for helping my girl out. I’ve been away, else I would’ve done it myself. Get yourself a beer on the way.”

“Well, that’s very nice of you, boy. Cheers, I’ll do just that.” He gives me a salute and heads off out the door.

And that’s how you dealt with fuckheads, or in that case, really nice eighty-year-old handy men.

I knew it was wrong, like really wrong, but I nipped into Ashley’s bedroom and bathroom and checked for any blokey stuff. There was only one toothbrush, which was a good sign, no aftershave, deodorant, or hair gel in any of the bathroom cabinets, and nothing hanging in her wardrobe.

Back with the ex, my arse. She’s full of shit.

But then I felt bad. She probably only made that story up to save face. What an arsehole I was. She worked for my sister and my mum. How the fuck must she feel facing them at work, knowing all the things we did the night before I left her?

I went back to the living room, sat on the sofa and waited. I went over what I was gonna say in my head. I decided that honesty was gonna be the best policy. Ash would see straight through any bullshit excuses I came up with.

I stood up and went into the kitchen, leaning my elbows on the work top and faced the front door, then I paced, wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans, and then leaned back down on my elbows.

I’d played sell-out concerts at Wembley, for fuck’s suck, I could do it.

Could I do it? Was I really what she actually needed in her life?

I started to consider leaving when I heard the first security door close. For a split second I thought about climbing out of a window, but then the front door swung open and there she was.

You remember that kids game Buckaroo? Well, that’s how my heart was feeling right then, like the horse had bucked, throwing bits of it in every direction. It was hitting my ribs, my belly, and my throat.

It took her a few seconds to notice me, then she screamed, dropped her bag and moved one hand to her chest.

“Fuck.” She said breathlessly, sexily. Her face changed in an instant.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Didn’t my mum call you?” I asked.

She frowned and shook her head. “No, why?”

“Hmm, sorry about that. I thought you knew I was gonna be staying here.” I tried to sound like I was sorry.

Obviously I wasn’t, not in the least.

“Wh-What? Staying here? Why?” She stuttered out, all colour now drained from her face.

I should’ve felt bad, but I didn’t.

“Well, you wouldn’t believe what’s happened at my place. Some “fucker,” I use finger air quote thingy’s when I say it, “has broken into my place and left rotting food everywhere. And a thick, green mould growing all over my bedroom. Could take weeks to put right.” I held my hands out, shaking my head and trying to look as if I was in despair, which I kinda was.

“So yeah, anyway. What with the wedding being just next week, I needed to be in town, so my mum said that since you have a spare room, I should stay here. At least until after the wedding.”

She was shaking her head before I even finished talking.

“No. I can’t have you ... I won’t have you here. Get out. Get the fuck out right this fucking minute. How dare you even come here?” She picked up her bag and stepped closer as she spoke.

I stepped closer as I listened, but ignored what she was saying.

“Ash, look, I’m so fucking... Argghhhh. What the—” I couldn’t see ... I couldn’t fucking breathe. Fuck, I was on fire. My skin was fucking dissolving, along with my eyeballs.

“Get out of my fucking flat.”

“Oghaghfuuuck.” Is the sorta sound I made as my legs gave way and I crumbled to the floor. A kick in the balls would do that to ya.

I rolled onto my back and held onto my balls, which were now hiding somewhere near my ears. I coughed and spluttered as my eyes burned and streamed with tears. I reached up to rub them.

My eyes ... not my balls.

“Don’t rub them, you’ll make it worse.” Ash said from above as she dug, what I assumed was her shoe, into my ribs.

“Wha the... What the fu...?” 

“Pepper spray. Your mum supplies all of us girls with it. She likes to know we’re safe when we walk out to our cars, or into our flats. Never know what weirdo’s could be lurking.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. She fucking pepper sprayed me, then kicked me in the balls when I couldn’t see it coming.

“Stop complaining. I aimed it over your shoulder. You didn’t even get a full blast, else you wouldn’t be able to breathe right now.”

I laid there, rocking from side to side on my back, still cupping where my balls used to be; eyes bleeding and foaming at the mouth as my skin burned away, and ya know what she said? Go on, guess.

“Can you see your way to the front door yet? I wanna take a shower. I’m going out in a bit.”

I threw up. I didn’t do it on purpose, it just came up out of nowhere.

“Great, now you’re throwing up on my floor,” she complained.

She complained about me throwing up?

“Don’t you even dare fucking complain. I spent a whole night dealing with your spew.”  I coughed and spluttered out.

“You only did that so that you could see my tits.”

“Believe me, babe, I don’t need to clear up spew to get a bird to flash me her tits.”

“Well, from what I can tell, Ankles Legitrowski’s ain’t worth flashing.”

“Who the fuck’s Ankles Legi—” I didn’t get to finish.

“The long legged, flat chested Russian you’ve been fucking.” She dug me in the ribs with her shoe again as she spoke.

I tried to open my eyes to glare at her, but it was too painful. “Fuck, this burns.”

“Yeah, that’s kinda the point.” She sarcastically replied. I heard her move around and the fridge door opening and closing. Surely she wasn’t gonna leave me here while she made a cup of tea?

“Arghhh.” I shout as something cold and wet hits my face. “What the fuck have you done to me now?”

“Milk, s’posed to help with the burn.” It actually did, but I wasn’t gonna tell her that.

I laid there quietly for a while, too scared to move in case I got poked in the ribs by a pointy shoe, or roll over into my own up chuck or a puddle of milk.

“I’m sorry for running out on you the way I did, Ash.” I started to explain.

“Save it for someone that cares, Rock Star. I don’t wanna hear your bullshit excuses.”

“But I just wanna—”

“What part of ‘I don’t wanna hear it’ do you not understand?” I knew she’s pacing the floor. I could hear her footsteps. I just wished I could open my fucking eyes. At least I didn’t feel like my throat was closing up anymore.

“I don’t care what you’ve got to say, Marley. As soon as you can see, I want you to get the fuck outta here, and then I want you to stay the fuck away from me.”

I remained silent. It was pointless trying to argue with her in my condition. I’d lost this battle, but the war was far from over.

I’d left Ashley’s the night before without getting a chance to say anything that I wanted to. I ended up driving to Len and Jimmie’s to stay the night, not wanting to face the mess or be alone at my place.

Luckily, Jim was already in bed and Len was about to head up when I got there, so I didn’t get asked too many questions.

I spent the following week calling Ash, buzzing at her front door, and generally making a nuisance of myself, but she wasn’t having a bar of it, and I got nowhere.

Jim told me that she’d be at the wedding so at least I’d get to see her then.

When the day finally arrived, Len looked the part in his velvet collared suit and boot lace tie. Jimmie looked stunning in her fifties style wedding dress, as did all the bridesmaids. The church service went off without a problem, apart from the fact that Ash turned up with a bloke. I was at the front of the church, showing people where to sit when she walked in.

She looked stunning in a blue dress and silver heels—no purple in sight. Her gaze met mine and I watched as she squared her shoulders, tilted her chin and reached for the hand of the fuckhead standing next to her.

“Fuck,” I said under my breath. I instantly felt my mother’s eyes burning into me. She was twenty fucking feet away. The woman had bionic hearing when it came to swear words.

“Sorry,” I mouthed to her. She narrowed her eyes and shook her head like I was four-years-old.

The service was lovely and romantic and blah, blah blah bullshit. Jim gagged at even the whiff of shit or puke, so there went the in sickness bit, and there was no way she’d ever obey Len, so that was out the window too. I seriously didn’t see the point of all that bollocks, except I did, and she was sitting four rows from the back with a Desperate Dan lookalike. He was four foot wide and nine foot tall. I just knew that he’d eaten a whole cow in a pie for breakfast that morning. In fact, I swear he had part of the tail caught in the designer stubble on his chin and a hoof stuck between his front teeth.

I looked at her a total of seventeen times in the church and desperately tried to get near her as the photos were being taken.

“Will you get the fuck over here and stop wandering off.” Bailey growled through gritted teeth. He was taking the best man bullshit far too seriously if you asked me.

“You’re behaving like a fucking bored toddler the way you keep wandering off.” I dug my hands in my pockets and kicked at the gravel, probably looking a lot like a bored toddler.

When the photos were finally done, Ash was nowhere in sight. When we got to the function hall, she was sitting nowhere near me.

I spent the next few hours eating, drinking, and smiling my way through the speeches. Kissing aunties and cousins and being chatted up by no fewer than nine women, most of whom I was related to.

Finally, when the tables began to be cleared, I stood and made my way past where she was sitting and out to the bar. 

It didn’t take long for her to follow. She had her arm looped through Georgia’s and she totally ignored me as they both headed towards the ladies toilets.

A minute later, Maca appears next to me with the Neanderthal in tow. He cleared his throat and looked a little uncomfortable. “All right, mate? This is Ashley’s fella, Dan.” I spat my bourbon. I kid you not, the fuckhead’s name was Dan.

I nod my head in his direction.

“All right. Ashley’s boyfriend, eh? She moves fast, that girl.”

I shouldn’t have, I really shouldn’t have.

“We’ve only just broken up. I can’t believe she’s moved on so quickly. We only decided a few days ago that we were gonna try and work through our problems.”

But I did.

His mouth opened and closed a few times before he said, “I’m not ... I’m not her boyfriend. I’m just her date for the night. We don’t really know each other that well. This is our first date, really.”

And your last.

Ash and Georgia came back from their bathroom break and there were a few seconds of awkward silence.

“Ashley, you look absolutely beautiful. Stunning in fact.” I told her.

She narrowed her eyes on me then opened, looked inside, and then closed the bag she had with her. We all watched, mystified as she patted herself down, as if checking her pockets. She then looked all around her.

“What are you looking for?” I asked.

“The fuck I’m supposed to give about what you think of how I look.”

Oh, she’s such a comedienne.

“Nup, can’t find it. I reckon that means it don’t exist.” She turned her attentions to Dan The Cow Killer.

I should just say fuck this for a game of soldiers and walk away, but I’m not done yet.

“Ash, can we go somewhere and talk for a minute please?” I reached out and put my hand on her arm. She looked down at where I was touching her before meeting my gaze, her eyes filled with tears.

“No, now take your fucking hands off me.” She spoke to me through gritted teeth and I didn’t hesitate to remove my hand.

“I’m sorry. I just wanna—”

“Just wanna what, Rock Star? You just wanna what? Fuck with my head some more? Fuck me some more? Or just fuck off and leave me, again? What, tell me?”

‘Desperate to be anywhere but here’ Dan said nothing. He pretty much stood with his back to us as he tried to get served at the bar.

I wasn’t doing that there. It was Jimmie and Len’s wedding. I wouldn’t do what everyone expected and cause a scene.

“Nothing, Ash, nothing. You look beautiful, that’s all. I just thought you should know.”

I watched as a tear rolled down her perfect cheek, then I did what I did best; I turned and walked away to the sound of Georgia calling out my name.

I spent the next couple of hours chatting with family members and drinking far too much. Maca found me sitting at the bar at the opposite end of the room to where I left him.

“I had no idea she was bringing him, else I would’ve warned you. What the fuck is going on with you two anyway? I had no clue things had gotten serious.”

“Well, if you’d have been the fuck around, you might know a bit more.” I said without looking at him.

He sat down on the bar stool next to me. “Fair enough, but I’ve had some bridges to build with your sister. We needed some time on our own to get back on track.”

I felt like an arsehole. What had gone on with Ashley was in no way Maca’s fault. I was just pissed off at the world.

“How are things with my sister?” I asked, whilst destroying a cardboard beer coaster. “You get to the bottom of the Cameron King thing?”

“We’re okay. I’m not sure that she’s all in yet. There’s gonna be trust issues for a while, I’ve gotta expect that, and he’s messed with her head, big time. Told her that he loves her and went on a drink and drug binge.”

“Fuck. Seems hard to imagine, a big hard bloke like that falling apart over my little sister.”

“Yeah, she’s good at getting blokes to do that.” He said with a shake of his head.

“She’s feeling guilty over what she’s done to him and still struggling to totally trust me. I think she’s already worrying about next year’s world tour.”

I nodded my head, knowing a little of how he felt and being only too aware that I’d fucked up any chance of Ashley ever trusting me.

“So, you two gonna get married?” It seemed like the logical move to me. He surprised me by shaking his head no.

“We’re not gonna rush into anything. We’ve got four years of catching up to do. If we get married, people are gonna expect babies, and we just want some time for us right now. We’ve both grown up and changed a lot in the time we’ve been apart. We need to get to know each other again. We’ll get around to it when it suites us, not everyone else.”

He gestured to the barman for more drinks. Someone came up and made small talk, a cousin of Jim’s, he said. When he left, Maca asked, “So come on then. What’s the go with Ash? She’s really pissed off with you, dude. She was almost in tears when you walked away.”

“We had something good.” I turned and looked him in the eye. I wanted him to know that for once, I was serious. For the first time ever, I, me, this bloke right here, had feelings for a girl that went beyond sex—way, way beyond. “We had something good and then I did what I do and fucked it all up.”

“How?”

“I had her move in with me because she was sick and I wanted to look after her. She was with me for over a week and I never touched her.” I admitted.

His bushy eyebrows raised up into his hairline. “All this time, and you haven’t slept with her?”

“I slept with her plenty of times, but we didn’t have sex, not until the night before I left.”

“You fucked and ran.” He stated.

“I panicked. She’s perfect ... too fucking perfect and I’m...” I shrugged my shoulders at him. “I’m just me, and I knew that eventually I’d balls it all up and let her down somehow, so I thought it’d be better to get out sooner rather than later.” I admitted. It felt good getting it off my chest, even if it didn’t change anything.

“So you jogged off and banged the Russian?”

“I didn’t bang anyone. I made sure I had my picture taken with plenty of birds so that she would hate me and move on, but I didn’t bang a single one of them. I couldn’t. I could only ... all I can think of is her. I want her back, Mac, but she won’t listen to a word I say.”

“Have you tried talking to her in private? Like, not at a bar at a celebrity wedding?”

Oh, I tried, and ended up traumatised for life and probably unable to father children. “I went to her flat.”

“And?”

“She pepper sprayed me and kicked me in the balls. I went down like a sack of shit.”

He spits his bourbon all over the bar. “She did ... what the fuck, Marls?” He actually had to hold his sides as he laughed.

“Yeah, yeah, laugh all you like. Don’t forget I’ve seen the state you’ve been in over my sister.”

He cleared his throat and took another sip of his drink before speaking. “That’s a classic, mate. I tell ya what, you two are made for each other. You’ve met your match with that girl, and that’s exactly what you need.”

“Yeah, she is, but am I what she needs?”

He leaned away from me and opened his mouth a couple of times before any words came out. “Why the fuck wouldn’t you be?”

“Come on, Mac, this is me we’re talking about ... Marley? When I’m not busy fucking up my own life, I’m busy fucking up other people’s.”

“Marls, listen, mate. You need to get your head around the fact that what happened between me and G wasn’t your fault. Yeah, you were there and yeah, you did nothing to stop me, encouraged me, in fact, but at the end of the day, it was down to me. Me and no other fucker. I had a girlfriend waiting at home. I had the option to say no. I knew that what we were doing was wrong but I did it anyway, so stop being a martyr and beating yourself up over it.”

I sipped my bourbon in the hopes that it would push down the lump in my throat that Maca’s words had caused.

“Dude, you’re the founding member and guitarist of one of the most successful bands this country has ever seen, and you’re what, twenty-three? You, my friend, are so not a fuck up. You’re like a brother to me, so as one brother to another, take it from someone that knows. If you want a future with that girl, then you don’t stop telling her until she listens. Scream it from the rooftops. Fuck, you’re a musician, write it in a song.”

“You’re the songwriter, Mac, not me.” I reminded him.

“Well there’s nothing wrong with your voice. Yours is every bit as good as mine, so sing her a song, do what you gotta do to make her listen.”

I drained my drink, thinking about what he’d said. It was all right for him, he had no issue with expressing his feelings. He’d loved my sister since they were kids. Outside of him and my family, I’d never loved anyone. I’d never been in love.

“What sort of song am I gonna sing to her?” I asked him. Feeling clueless. Feeling like ... I don’t know what. I can’t believe a girl had gotten me so twisted up in knots.

“You’re sweating, mate. You feeling all right?” Maca asked with a grin.

“No. Just the thought of singing something to her is making me wanna throw up.”

His eyes dart all over my face. “You really like her, don’t ya?” He draped his arm over my shoulder as he asked.

“Like you wouldn’t believe. Like I wouldn’t believe.”

“Happens to the best of us, mate,” he tells me. “You gonna come back to the other bar and have a drink with us, or stay down here? I need to get back to Georgia.”

We both turned around to look in the direction of where my sister was but instead, I spotted her, Ashley, and Jimmie’s sister on the dance floor, where the three of them were strutting their stuff to Chaka Khan’s ‘Ain’t Nobody.’ I couldn’t take my eyes from Ashley’s arse as she raised her arms above her head and moved her hips.

My hard-on was instant

Georgia moved in behind her, Keeley, Jimmie’s sister in front, and the three of them grinded and moved against each other.

“Fuck me,” Maca said from beside me.

“Please tell me you’re not getting a boner watching my sister while you’re sitting next to me?” I pleaded, despite the fact I was sporting one myself.

“Nah, I’m getting a boner watching your bird and your sister while sitting next to you.” He laughed.

“Yeah, me too.”

“We’re going to hell,” he said with a smile.

“Hope they have guitars.”

The next few seconds happen in slow motion and fast forward at the same time.

Desperate Dan appeared from nowhere and pulled George forcefully away from Ash, then pulled Ash towards him, grabbing her arse so that she was pressed right up against him.

I don’t know who moved first, me or Maca, but before we were even halfway to the dance floor, George had grabbed Dan by the hair and Ash had thrown a punch that caught him on the right side of his jaw.

I almost jumped through the air as I saw him raise his arm to hit either George or Ash. Luckily, Bailey got there and grabbed it, twisting it behind his back.

I swung as soon as I was within shot and my fist connected with his jaw. And as much as it hurt, it felt so fucking good so I did it again, and again. The only noise I could hear was my own blood rushing through my ears. The only sensation was my fists burning as the skin split when it connected with his teeth and the stubble on his chin. I didn’t even see his face in front of me, just the way he pulled my sister out of the way and his hands on Ashley’s arse.

I’m grabbed under the arms and hauled backwards. When I finally focused, my dad and Len were on either side of me, holding an arm each. Ash stood a few feet away, Bailey at her side as she sobbed. I tried to shrug off my dad and brother and reach out to her, but she stepped back, recoiling almost, and shook her head no.

“Stay away from me. Just stay away from my life.” She screamed before turning and leaving. I’m held in place, going nowhere until fuckhead was thrown out.

I go into the toilet with Len and wash the blood from my hands, whilst apologising continuously.

“Marls, chill. He had it coming. He’d already abused the bar staff and threatened to knock Uncle Ted out. You put your hands on a woman, then you have to expect comebacks. He’s just lucky that you jumped in before Bailey got a chance to. He almost ripped his arm from his socket as it is.”

I was shaking badly and I had nowhere to channel the adrenalin.

“I need a drink.” I told Len.

“You and me both, brother, you and me both.”

Once we’re back at the bar, I found out that George and Maca had taken Ashley home. The venue was only around the corner from her flat, but I was worried ‘Soon To Be Dead Dan’ might follow her home.

I knocked back a double scotch, and then another before I spotted Georgia barrelling across the room towards me.

“What the fuck has gone on between you two?” She was right in my face as she asked.

“Georgia.” Maca warns when he finally catches up.

“Why, what’s she said?” I asked, getting a sense of déjà vu. I’m sure I’ve asked that question before, or is the single malt fogging my brain?

I catch Maca shaking his head over George’s shoulder to let me know she’s just digging. Ash hadn’t told her anything.

“It’s what she didn’t say, Marls. She’s so upset and angry with you and I don’t understand why. Ash don’t get that way over blokes. She never lets anyone close enough, so what’s gone on?”

Now I wanted to cry again. First Maca, and now my sister, setting me off like I’m on my period.

“You all right?” Genuine concern was in her voice as she reached forward and kissed my knuckles. I pulled her in and gave her a cuddle.

“I think I’m in love with your mate, Porge.” I confessed.

She stared up at me, looking a little confused.

“Wh-You mean Ash? You’re in love with Ashley?”

I nodded and smiled at her. She burst into tears and turned and looked at Maca. “My brothers love my two best friends. You love me, and we’re all gonna be a family.”

I kiss the top of her head.

“How much she have to drink?” I asked Maca.

“A lot.” He replied.

By the end of the night, I’ve had a bollocking from my mum before impressing her on the dance floor with my waltz. I’d gotten kisses, cuddles, and propositions from women aged between fifteen and rigor mortis. I’d had a slow dance with my sister and my new sister-in-law, the most beautiful bride I’d ever, at that point in my life, seen.

I’d taught a bunch of seven and eight-year-old cousins how to moonwalk. I’d told my dad, brothers, and Maca that I loved them at least a dozen times, and I’d drank far, far too much whiskey, bourbon, and champagne. I’d done everything except sing to my girl.

Despite being warned not to by just about everyone, I left the wedding and walked/staggered around the corner to Ashley’s flat and leaned on the buzzer until she answered.

“Fuck off, Marley.”

“S’not me. Him, s’not him, I mean. Open the door, Ash. I need to sing to you.”

“Go home, it’s late.”

“No, I can’t. I’ve bed no—I’ve got no bed. It green grew mouldy you memberer?” In my head, I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but my mouth had other ideas.

“Ash?”

“Rock Star?”

“Fuck, Ash, tha-that makes my balls tingle when you call me that. Say it again, baby, please, please, please.”

“Shall I tell you a secret, Rock Star?”

“Yeshssss. Yessss. Yes baby, tell me. Tell. Me.” I was seriously thinking about having a wank right there on her doorstep while I listened to her voice because for some reason, right at that moment, it seemed like a good idea.

“When you call me baby, it makes my fanny flutter.”

“Oh fuck. Oh Ash. Fuck me, baby.” I tried sliding my hand down the front of my trousers, but they were too tight. I’m up a flight of stairs, in a back alley. Surely no one would see if I just flopped my todger out and gave it a lil’ tug? No one would see.

“I like that, baby. I like that a lot, that I make your fanny flutter makes me happy. Hard and happy. You gonna let me in?”

“I might.”

“G’orn. You know you wanna.”

“It’s nothing to do with whether I wanna, it’s whether I should.”

Ha, todger. That was a funny word. I wondered how someone came up with that one.

“If I let you in, are you gonna behave?”

I nod my head yes. “Absolutely not.” 

“I shouldn’t even be considering this. I’ve had too much wine.”

“You should. You so should, Ash, and shall I tell you why, shall I baby? My baby, baby, baby love?”

I heard her laugh, but I couldn’t see down the intercom, so I didn’t know what was funny.

“Tell me, Rock Star ...why?”

“Coz, baby. Coz if you met le... met, fuck’s sake. If you let me in, not only will I make your fanny flutter, but I’ll make—” I suddenly get the giggles and can’t get my words out.

“What, Rock Star? You’ll make what?”

“Ahhh. Oh dear. Yeah, sorry.” I clear my throat. “I’ll not only make your fanny flutter, but I’ll make your minge twinge.”

Funniest. Joke. Ever.

I laugh so much I throw up.

“Marls?”

I stand from my bent double position and Ash was standing in the open doorway of her flat.

“Ash, I’m sry. I’m so, so sry. I’m am sorory I ran. I’m think... I think love you an... and I think I just crapped myself...”

“Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Back up, Rock Star. You think you love me? You mean you don’t know yet?”

I laughed coz when she went all Whoa Whoa Whoay on me, I thought I was gonna get another bollocking, but I didn’t, so I was gonna laugh.

“Ha, of course. Of course I know. I knew at your party, baby. It’s your party, baby, and you’ll cry...” I sing to her, coz I was a good singer, right? I was in a band and all that. Then I panicked.

“No, no, don’t cry. I’m sorory I made you do that cry. I am so srry.”

“I’m not crying, Marls. What the fuck you on about?”

“I dent... I. I dunno. Ash, baby, I think I might be a dit brunk. Drunk. A bit drunk.”

“Ya think, Rock Star?”

“Yeah, yeah. I think so.”

“And did you just say that you crapped yourself?”

“Yeah, yeah. I think I did.”

“What, like literally?”

“No. No, that would stink, you’d smell it if I did that. I like meant scared. When I ran away. I’m sry I did it but I was ... I was scared, baby.”

“A scared Rock Star, eh?”

“Tefferied.”

“You better come in then.”

And that’s the last thing I remembered about the night I convinced my wife to marry me.

We flew to Vegas the next day and never told a soul. We kept our secret wedding a secret for twenty-five years. So much of our life was public knowledge, so much of our time was spent dealing with my family that we kept that little piece of info just for ourselves, just for us. We threw a party for our Silver wedding anniversary and didn’t tell anyone what it was for until they got there. I thought my mum was gonna kill me, but it was George that landed the first blow, then Jim, but they forgave us and I’d like to say that from that point on, we all lived happily ever after, but some of us didn’t.