Chapter One - Roseanne
Jason Crowe was a name I never wanted to cross my lips again. His destructive behavior and the way he looked at me caused me to have some sleepless nights.
I was always independent, going by the beat of my own drum, but I had the misfortune of making the acquaintance of Jason at a party. I had way too many tequila shots to make an informed decision about him. He seemed charming, but there was an ugly side waiting to be unleashed.
I was lamenting over past mistakes. The world was my oyster.
I could feel the effects of the champagne running through my veins. I had splurged and gotten a ticket for a first-class seat. I knew full well it was going to deplete my funds.
I had a place lined up, but the rent was astronomical compared to others in New York City. There was something about it that caught my eye.
My degree in mechanical engineering was on the shelf for the time being. I had to get my head straight before attempting to throw myself into a frustrating and rewarding career with the many perks to go along with the title.
“I don’t know why, but I feel I already know you better than my family,” said the man in the seat next to me. Benjamin was a recent transplant to the Big Apple. I was always quite talkative and getting him to open up was child’s play on the flight to New York City.
“I know you have a wife, but I don’t see any reason why we can’t be friends. I know a lot of people say this, but I really do want us to stay in contact after the flight.” My hands were gripping the seat a little too tightly. I had this anxiety about flying. It was an issue I was trying to cope with all my own without the use of therapy.
He chuckled. “I won’t be the type of guy to ask you to join the mile-high club.” He was rather handsome, but I was gun shy after being with Jason.
The fresh bruises from our last fight were covered by makeup. I could still feel the phantom presence of his hand burning against my skin. I stood up to him and smiled during the entire ordeal.
I had to resort to extreme measures to find a discreet and hasty exit from the situation. Unfortunately, it meant that my knee had made contact with his family jewels. It brought his attack to a screaming halt with a litany of obscenities spewing freely from his lips.
I swallowed the memory and replied, “I have this feeling your wife would have a problem with that. You don’t take me for the kind to cheat without thinking about the consequences. I haven’t known you long, but we have the same small-town values.” My tasteful black skirt went to my knees with a slice up the side to hint at the smoothness of my bare thighs.
The white blouse was nothing compared to the red heels covering my pink-painted toenails. The manicure and pedicure was courtesy of one of my dearest friends in the world. Donna was the only one to know of my problems. She was very supportive and lent a helpful ear. I was going to miss her.
My curly red hair was flowing easily over my shoulders with the faintest whiff of jasmine from my shampoo. I wore nothing but my natural scent. My glasses gave me an intellectual air. I was no more than five foot two and one hundred twenty-five pounds, but I had attitude. At least I did before Jason came into my life like a bad rash that wouldn’t go away.
Benjamin nodded in agreement with my statement. “I have too much to live for. I can’t risk everything I have over a fleeting moment of pleasure. I would have to be pretty damn drunk to do something as stupid as sleep with another woman. If I were tempted, then you would be at the top of the list. The whole package is appealing.” He was dressed to impress. We had briefly mentioned his business in financial holdings. It was boring, but he made it sound interesting by the passion he had for what he did.
“I appreciate the compliment. It’s been a long time since I felt anywhere near attractive or sexy. I see it in the mirror, but I lose sight of myself. I left a lot unresolved back in Montana. I had to find some distance. I’m not ready for anything serious. I’m going to New York to start a new chapter on my own.” I had no interest in finding comfort in the arms of another. I wasn’t opposed to finding my tall, dark, and handsome counterpart. I wanted somebody to be my best friend and lover. It was a tall order.
“You may not know this, but you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. We’ve all at one time or another made some poor choices when it came to matters of the heart.” He had this faraway look in his brown eyes like he was reliving a not-so-pleasant part of his past.
“When you say it, I actually begin to believe it. You might be the boost of courage I needed. I was broken inside when I boarded this plane. You listened without judgment and didn’t try to say anything to fix it. Your wife is very lucky to have you. I never want you to take her for granted.” I looked out the window and I could see the twinkling lights of the city that didn’t sleep. It wouldn’t be long before we were landing on the tarmac. I was nervous, but now I was anxiously excited about the possibilities in my reach. Jason was gone and hopefully soon forgotten. His influence was felt emotionally and physically. People had warned me to steer clear, but I had been determined to prove them wrong.
“I will make sure to remind her by doing something spontaneous and romantic. Showing up with a bouquet of white roses and sending the kids to my parents will show her I’m no longer going to phone it in.” He was losing his hair, but he had made up for it by shaving it to stubble. The weight of the financial world was on his shoulders. I could see how heavy the burden was. His eyes were heavy and wearing the crown of responsibility was getting old quickly. He was working tirelessly to build a company from the ground up with no more than a shoestring budget.
“I would be remiss if I didn’t mention taking the time to smell the roses. I need to follow my own advice.”
He was located on Manhattan Island and I was going to walk with my head held high into a city without mercy. It had the ability to spit someone out who was trying to make it with dreams of success in their eyes. I had heard too many horror stories, but I was determined not to be one of them. A new lease on life was not something I was going to take lightly. It was time to throw off the shackles Jason had metaphorically put on me.
My thoughts kept alternating between flashbacks of Montana and hopes for the future. I almost missed what Benjamin was saying. “I don’t want you to think you have to settle for second best. You never know what is around the next corner. Don’t be blind to love because of Jason.” He spit out the name in disgust. “I can’t even say his name without wanting to wrap my hands around his neck.”
I was finding confession was indeed good for the soul. “I have no idea what I’m doing here. I’m still trying to grasp the fact I left in the dead of night.” I was wired a little too tight.
“I want you to take one of my cards. I really do want to know how things work out for you. I have this feeling this city has no idea it’s about to be hit by a hurricane named Roseanne. I was going to mention a rose by any other name is still a rose. It’s one of my favorite quotes. You have a lot to offer and I suspect somebody will see your worth sooner than later.”
I was going to ask for a job, but he was already struggling to make ends meet. He would feel obligated and I would be taking advantage of his good nature. “I would say you are the brother I never had, but I don’t want to insult you. Be patient. The company you are building sounds promising. I might have to invest when I get some money, to get in on the ground floor.” I wasn’t placating him. I did seriously see the potential. And it would be nice to have some kind of retirement plan in place.
“It’s been a long process, but Sheila has been there beside me the entire way. There have been some lean months where we had to choose between entertainment and eating.” The suit was expensive, but he had gotten it for a song. It was his armor to bolster his self-esteem upon entering an important meeting.
“Don’t let her go. It’s very rare when two people come together and find the happiness we all have been seeking. It may get stagnant, but you need to be the one to spice things up. Don’t make the mistake of falling into a rut. It will only give you both ideas about expanding your horizons with another.” He was an avid listener and no doubt was using me to peel back the layers of the mysteries of what women really wanted. He was getting first-hand knowledge from the horse’s mouth.
“I want you to remember that guys have only one thing on their mind. It might sound trite, but the truth is sex is always on the table. They will say and do anything to get you to lower your guard long enough to slip between your legs. Don’t give them the satisfaction of giving in too soon. Make them work for the honor of being with you.” He was a wealth of information about the opposite sex. The exchange between us was mutual. We found a confidant in each other.
“I lose sight sometimes of the bigger picture. It’s not all about raw and animalistic urges. I have to see past the pretty packaging for what is lurking underneath. It takes time to find out who the real person is.” I looked up to listen to the captain’s announcement and we both buckled our seatbelts for what was evidently going to be a bumpy landing.
“We all wear different masks. Dating is nothing more than a dog-and-pony show. We want to be ourselves, but we are afraid to let our guard down. Being vulnerable doesn’t come easily to men in general. We think we have to be strong all the time. I won’t make excuses for what happened to you.” He seemed relatively appalled by Jason’s behavior. It would’ve been nice to have him there to give Jason something more than a scowl of displeasure.
“I hate wearing masks. It’s a bit of a pet peeve for obvious reasons. I would rather somebody be straight up from the very beginning than play games. I’m not looking to let anybody in. I have these walls up. It’s going to take somebody with the patience of Job to make me feel safe again.” I was going to concentrate on getting the job as a receptionist for a car company. I had gotten the interview, but I had a feeling I was just one of many to make the long journey from their hometown to make it in the big city.
“I have something for you and I’m not going to take no for an answer. This is a lucky coin. I’m not giving this to you. It’s a loan to help you get on your feet again. I know how it sounds, but I’ve always held onto it in my darkest days. Besides, I want a reason to come to visit. I want to bear witness to how you blossom into the woman you are meant to be.” I snatched it from his grip and looked at it from every angle. It seemed perfectly normal, but I was willing to dispel my belief for the fighting chance to survive the dog-eat-dog world.
I lost sight of him leaving the plane. It was only when I was collecting my luggage when I saw him in a deep embrace with a woman who I could only assume was his wife. She was stunning, with blond hair and a bewitching smile. I could only hope he was going to take my advice to heart. They looked happy and not just putting on a show.
Everybody had their own stories and nobody really knew what was going on behind closed doors.
I had this game I played when traveling where I imagined myself in someone else’s shoes. I didn’t have to play the same game with Benjamin. He had been very forthcoming. I didn’t find a trace of dishonesty in anything he said.
Seeing him with his wife made me yearn for something I couldn’t have. I couldn’t help but feel more alone than ever.