Rylan
It’s so much worse than I imagined, but at the same time, it’s better too.
Violet has been to hell and back, repeatedly, but she’s still here… living and breathing… she’s alive.
She’s a fighter and I believe she’s already made it through the worst of what life will throw at her.
Looking at her, such a bright, beautiful woman, you’d never guess the horrors she’s endured – the opponents she’s taken on and won.
There are already so many things I can think of that I want to ask her in regards to what she’s been through, but I don’t.
There will be plenty of time for that later. I’m not going anywhere and if I have my way, neither will she.
I’m in this for the long haul, and if she thinks that her heart is going to make a difference to the way I feel about her, then she’s going to have to think again.
The only thing I need to know about her heart right now is that I hold a piece of it.
I can tell she’s worried, and I’ve got a feeling she’s expecting me to walk away. I don’t blame her for her insecurity surrounding what she’s just shared with me. I can’t even begin to imagine everything she’s been through. It literally brings a tear to my eye to imagine that she must feel that way for a reason – that people must have steered clear of her in the past due to something she has not an ounce of control over.
I’ve had people avoid me too – leave me all alone, so I sort of understand what it’s like… but I also know that’s on me – I didn’t give anyone a reason to stay. Violet gives people all the reasons in the world.
I may not have known her for a huge amount of time, but it didn’t take long to figure out what kind of a person she is.
She’s open, kind, strong, warm and loving… I know I’m not the first person to feel this kind of love from Violet, but I think that maybe I might be the only man whom she’s not related to that’s ever been allowed to get this close, and that’s not an honour I’ll take lightly.
Her lips are still on mine and she’s kissing me back with the fervour of someone who might never get another chance.
That’s when it hits me that it’s probably exactly the way she feels.
She’s just laid everything out bare for me – literally put her heart on the line and I haven’t said a word about it.
I undoubtedly know it changes nothing about the way I feel for her, but she doesn’t know that yet.
I pull back, breaking our kiss but she’s not done, she has the front of my shirt fisted in her hand and it pains me to think she’s holding on for dear life.
“Violet,” I murmur against her lips as she kisses me again.
Her breath is heavy as she releases me before resting her forehead against mine.
Her eyelids are flickering open and shut and it takes me a moment to recognise that she’s crying.
“I’m here,” I whisper. I wrap my arms around her and pull her onto my lap.
I wrap my arms around her like a vice as she clings onto my neck and shoulders.
Her small frame is wracked with sob after sob, and I just hold her as tight as I can.
As much as it pains me to see her upset, I don’t bother telling her not to cry. There would be no point… she needs this release and after all I’ve just heard, she deserves a good cry.
She deserves a lot of things, and I’m going to do everything in my power to give her all I have to offer.
Bear wanders over and nudges Violet with his head. It’s a small gesture, but it warms my insides.
She’s like a magnet; it’s not only me she’s pulled in, but this big dog too.
She reaches out and strokes his head and reassures him that she’s okay, that she will be okay.
He curls up at our feet and I smile.
Violet’s sobs have subsided, and she turns in my arms so she can look up at me.
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologise for being human.”
“I got your shirt all wet.”
“I think I can live with that.”
She’s looking up at me with her big crystal blue eyes, and even though they’re brimmed with tears, I’ve never seen her look so beautiful.
She’s staring at me, searching for answers that it doesn’t appear she’s finding.
“Why aren’t you running?” she finally whispers.
I reach my hand forward and wipe away a stray tear from her cheek.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“But aren’t you worried… don’t you have questions?”
I nod. “I have questions, but they can wait… I’m not going anywhere, and no answer you could give would change how I feel about you anyway.”
She opens her mouth to speak but no words come out, so I continue.
“And as for being worried… truthfully, I am.”
She sighs in defeat, like maybe this is the ‘but’ moment she’s been dreading.
“I’m worried that I’ll lose you, and I don’t mean because of your heart… I mean because of your head. I’m worried you’ll convince yourself this isn’t a good idea and you’ll leave me.”
Her chin lifts slowly until she’s looking into my eyes and I see the deep-seated fear she usually keeps hidden there.
She’s scared, and rightfully so, but she doesn’t have to be scared on her own anymore.
Sure, she’s got her family and friends, but until now she’s never had me, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I know I can’t make the things she fears disappear, but I can share the load with her – I can lighten the weight on her shoulders, if nothing else.
“I worry about letting people in… it hurts me to think what will happen to those closest to me if I die.”
She may have just told me all of the facts about her heart, and shared with me some of her most tightly kept secrets, but this right here is possibly the truest thing of all to fall from her lips.
Her biggest fear of death isn’t for herself, but for those she’ll leave behind.
That one sentence sums up exactly what type of person she is, and I fall a little bit further down the rabbit hole of love because of it.
She’s got to be the most selfless person I’ve ever met.
I make a vow to myself that I’ll never be someone she can push away, that I’ll never let her see herself as a burden to me, because she isn’t.
I know her fears are justified, and there’s no point in telling her otherwise, because she’s right – loving her carries the risk of losing her, but there’s one thing I know for absolute certain in all this, and it’s that this is a risk I’m willing to take.
Bear might not have a choice about whether or not he goes home with Violet, but I sure as hell do, and I’m not going to let her go without a fight – and if I’m honest, probably not even then.