I ran my fingers through her hair slowly, not wanting to wake her. We hadn’t gotten much sleep at all and I didn’t want her to blame me if she woke up with dark circles under her eyes. I’d told her I loved her. The thought made my hand pause on her head. I’d told her I loved her and she hadn’t said it back. I didn’t need her to. I felt it the way I felt my own love for her burning every night through the years. My phone vibrated on the nightstand. I turned over, got out of bed, and picked it up on my way out of the door, shutting it behind me softly.

“Sam, I swear if this is about—”

“Where’s Tessa?”

I frowned. “Celia? Why are you calling me from Sam’s phone?”

“Where is my sister? I don’t have time for this.”

“Sleeping. Why? Did something happen? Where’s Miles?”

“Miles is fine,” she said. I exhaled, but then she continued, “Freddie was in an accident.”

“What kind of accident?” My chest tightened. I didn’t know much, but I knew Freddie’s job was dangerous as hell.

“He got . . . he was in an ambush. I don’t know.” She choked out her words. “I don’t . . . where’s Tessa?”

“Where is he? Is he okay?”

“He’s in the hospital. They’re operating on him now.”

“Is he going to be okay?”

“I don’t know!” Celia yelled. “I don’t know! I need to talk to my sister.”

“Is everything okay?” Tessa asked from the doorway to the room. I hadn’t even heard it open. I swallowed as our eyes met. I’d never seen someone move as fast as she did. One second, she was in the doorway and the next second, she had grabbed the phone from me and was shouting into it.

“What happened? Is Miles okay?” She let out a breath a second before all the blood drained from her face and I had to steady her shoulders to keep her from falling over.

“But is he okay?” She pressed her hand to her chest. “Celia. How bad is it? Did you see him? Did you see him?” She screamed the last question, her voice grating. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

She handed the phone back to me, turned around, and walked back into the bedroom. I stood there for a second, looked at my phone, and then back toward the bedroom. I dialed Sam’s phone back. He answered on the first ring.

“I’m at the hospital,” he said. “I came to pick up Miles and take him with me. Everyone is . . . this isn’t a good environment for him right now.”

“Thank you,” I managed to whisper. “Are you taking him to your place?”

“I think it’s best. Celia gave me her keys, but I think I’ll keep him entertained at the park and my place for now.” He exhaled into the phone. “It isn’t looking good.”

The words hit me in the center of my chest. “What happened?”

“I guess he went into one of his missions and he was ambushed. That’s the only thing we know. Are you canceling your meeting?”

“Of course, I’m canceling,” I said. The meeting hadn’t entered my mind at all. “We’ll have to go with what we’ve got.”

“Call me when you land and don’t rush. Chloe and I can watch Miles so you don’t have to leave Tessa alone.”

“Thank you,” I said, my throat closed again as I thought about Freddie and what Celia and Tessa must be feeling. I remembered getting the news of my brother’s cancer and how my world seemed to shift on an axis. The thought of losing him had my gut twisting every day that first year. I thought of Freddie, who had been like a brother to me growing up, and that same feeling came rushing back. I closed my eyes as I gripped my phone, my brother silent on the other end. “Hey, Sam?”

“Yeah,” he whispered.

“I love you.” I hadn’t said those words to him when he was battling cancer, but I’d felt them, and I was done not saying them.

He was quiet for a couple of beats. “Love you too, Ro.”

I hung up and tossed my phone aside to go find Tessa. She wasn’t in the room and I could hear the shower on, but when I walked in, I couldn’t see the top of her head through the top partition. I walked over and peeked my head in, my chest squeezing when I found her sitting on the floor hugging her legs to her chest. I walked into the shower and sat in front of her, pulling her until she was sitting between my legs. I wrapped my arms around her and stroked her hair as the water hit us.

“He’s going to be okay,” I whispered, the words burning in my throat. “He’s going to be okay.”

He had to be okay. She started shaking against me as sobs poured out of her and I held her tighter and whispered the words over and over, willing the universe to listen to me. I’d done it when Sam was sick, and he’d been okay. Maybe it would be the same for Freddie. It had to be.

“Sam has Miles,” I said. “He’s going to watch him until we get there. We’ll go to the hospital and I’ll stay as long as you want me to.”

I wasn’t sure she’d want me to at all. I didn’t know what would happen once we got back home. Last night had been amazing, but we still had a long way to go. Loving someone didn’t mean everything would automatically work out. We both knew that. I held her until long after the water ran cold and her crying finally subsided. I kissed her forehead as I carefully stood, carrying the weight of her against me and shutting the water off. I let her go to reach for a towel and brought it around her, lifting her hair off her back to dry it separately.

“I n-n-need to get the conditioner off,” she said.

I took the towels back, switched the hot water on by itself and pulled her back beneath the spray, turning her to face the wall as I finished washing her hair.

“You washed your body?”

She nodded, turning to face me. She was eye level to my clavicle and in her despondency, that was where she was looking.

“Do you think you can dry yourself while I shower? I’ll be two seconds.”

“Can I sit there?” She pointed to the little bench behind us. I cupped her face and made her look at me.

“Sweetheart, I need you to do whatever makes you comfortable right now.” I ducked down and placed my forehead against hers. She closed her eyes and let out a shaky breath before letting me go and sitting on the bench. As I showered, I watched her dry herself and wrap the towel around her body.

“I hate that stupid company,” she said. “The Company, that’s what he calls where he works. I hate them. I hate that they call him in the middle of the night and have him doing shit he can’t talk about, and I hate the haunted look on his face he comes back with.” She wiped her face. I switched off the water and grabbed a towel. “I just want my brother to be okay,” she cried. “I don’t know life without him.”

I wished so badly that I could take the pain away from her, because I would if I could. On our way to the airport, I held her hand. I fought the bricks that threatened to stack back in place around my heart. I fought the old, stupid notion that echoed inside my head, telling me to protect myself, that I didn’t bleed. All my life I fought the notion of love because of the effect my parent’s marriage had on me. It wasn’t until this moment that I realized that even though romantic love was always what I’d shooed away, it wasn’t the only thing that scared me. The idea of losing my brother when I thought it might be a possibility was crushing, but the idea of losing Freddie, who was also like a brother to me, was equally as painful. The entire airplane ride back to New York, I held Tessa in my arms, closed my eyes, and hoped for the best.