Christmas had come and gone without any joy for Sam. She could care less about the holiday. The only person she had wanted to get up early with and enjoy it was gone.
Dead and gone and buried beneath the ground where she couldn’t see him. Where she couldn’t talk to him or hold him. There weren’t any early morning rituals like they had in the past. There wasn’t any unwrapping of presents and laughter and joy. There wasn’t the love they would normally share or the pictures of them being goofy or making love beside the Christmas tree. There wasn’t any of that. For Sam, it was tears and loneliness and heartache and missing Chris.
She lay in bed not wanting to move or do anything else. Like every day since Chris was buried, she barely moved and wondered if she would ever stop crying.
Sam was alone by choice. Her parents drove back to Virginia a couple of days after the funeral. Tonya had flown back to Florida two days ago, for two reasons. She needed to get back to the restaurant and because Sam told her to go. She wanted to be alone. She loved her but couldn’t deal with anything or anyone. She hadn’t been mean; she only asked her to leave. She was alone with her thoughts and feelings. She didn’t even think God was with her.
She hadn’t been talking to God lately. She didn’t know what to say. She was afraid she would say something in anger and make Him mad. She didn’t want to be mad at Him, but couldn’t help it.
Even though she didn’t want to get out of bed, eventually there wasn’t a choice. Her kidneys were giving her no option. Reluctantly, Sam pushed herself up and went to the bathroom and relieved herself. When she washed her hands she looked in the mirror and what stared back at her shocked her. Even in the mental and emotional state of mind she was in she was taken aback. Her hair was astray with enough tangles to use as rope and the bags under her eyes were heavy. She hadn’t showered in four days and could suddenly smell her own body odor and it sickened her. She noticed she had been blessed with two pimples on her face as well. How nice. But, then again why should she care? What did she have to live for any longer? She didn’t have Chris to impress. She opened the medicine cabinet and looked at the few bottles that sat on its shelves. She had nothing that would ease her pain. Then, she saw the packet of razor blades that Chris used to use when he shaved.
Taking one from the packet she unwrapped the small piece of cardboard from around it. She gazed at the edge and how it shined beneath the bathroom light. The thought of ending it right then and there crossed her mind and she placed the edge of it against her wrist. She began to press down and as a single drop of blood appeared she suddenly trembled and collapsed into tears on the floor. She couldn’t do it.
She didn’t know how long she lay there on the cold linoleum floor. She had cried herself into a coma-like sleep. When she woke up she heard a siren going off up the street outside the apartment. Her left shoulder and hip suddenly hurt from laying on the floor and bolts of agony helped her become more aware. Slowly, she rose and remembered what she almost did and looked at her wrist. The tiny incision and blood had dried and she stared at it.
“Get a grip, girl. You have got to get a grip.”
Realizing she was talking to herself in the third person she turned to the shower and turned the hot water on. She undressed and let her pajamas lie where she had stood. She stepped in and added enough cold water as to not scorch herself. She stood beneath the stream of hot water and soaked herself. The water relaxed her muscles and washed away some of the nastiness she had begun to feel. She took her time since there was no reason to rush. She shaved her legs and washed her hair and lathered herself twice in order to feel clean again. When she stepped out and in front of the mirror she had started to get wrinkles from being beneath the water for so long.
Once she had put on some clean clothes she saw her medicine sitting on the nightstand. She had been forgetting to take them and she knew that was a bad thing. When was the last time she had eaten anything decent? She couldn’t remember. Probably when Tonya had last fixed her something before she asked her to leave.
She was letting herself fall apart and she needed help. She needed to do something before something terrible happened. Before she actually did kill herself. She didn’t know what, but something. She needed her friends and even though she was mad at Him she knew she needed God.
Sam picked up her medicine and shuffled into the kitchen. Even though she hadn’t eaten much of anything she wasn’t very hungry. Still she knew she should try to at least put something on her stomach in order to not wither away to nothing. Plus, it would upset her stomach without food when she took her meds.
She forced herself to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and drank a glass of water. Her eyes scanned the apartment with barely any emotion, but they were beginning to build. Her eyes scanned everything and she took it all in. Pictures of Chris and her when they got married were sitting on the entertainment center. On the walls hung more of them laughing or doing something silly. Memories were displayed and at first, she thought it was to torture her, but something miraculous happened. She felt tears of immense joy by seeing them and that almost shocked her into a breakdown of laughter. Which wouldn’t be a bad thing, but she would have sounded insane.
Standing she walked to the center of the living room and slowly turned, taking in what her heart allowed her to see. The Christmas tree that hadn’t blinked in weeks. The snowman on the windowsill and the nativity scene that Chris loved. She saw the set of pillows that Chris bought for her on her last birthday that reminded her of something when she was little. She remembered telling him about it and he had gone back and bought them for her. They didn’t match anything in the room. For some reason that fact made her love them more.
She sat on the couch and took one of them in her arms. She laid on her side and closed her eyes and allowed her heart to feel for the hundredth time since she was told of Chris’s accident. Her tears flowed freely and in time she fell asleep again, but more peacefully and she slept for hours. When she woke up it was dark outside. With no lights on she could barely see.
The holidays were gone except for New Years, but she plugged the tree in anyhow. She felt a spark light inside her when they began to blink. It was time to make a decision. What did she want to do with herself? Chris was gone but she was still alive. He wouldn’t want her living the way she had been since his death. He would want her to move on and be strong. She knew that there would be a lot of hard days to experience without him. She would still cry more tears, but she needed to stop hibernating.
She looked at the time and saw it was going on 10:00 and most people were in bed or close to it. She wondered if Tonya would talk to her if she called. Or maybe Junior, who she should really call anyhow to check on him. She hadn’t even looked at her phone in two or three days. The battery had probably run out of charge. She looked at it and the screen wouldn’t light up so she plugged the charger up to it. In an hour, she could use it. An hour would seem like a long time.
How long was the cord? She looked at it and unplugged it. She plugged it in the socket by the dining room table and sat with it. She could talk on it while it was charging. She thought about her parents when she saw that she had missed over twenty calls. Her parents. Junior. Tonya and even her instructor at school had all called her. She had some apologizing to do.
With a breath of hope she called Tonya first. The phone rang four times and she didn’t think she would answer until suddenly Tonya’s voice came through.
“Samantha! Honey, I’ve been so worried. How are you?”
“Hey,” she replied meekly. “I don’t know how I am, but I miss you. I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry? You have nothing to be sorry about.”
“Did I wake you? I know it’s getting late.”
“I’m in bed, but I wasn’t asleep. I miss you, too.”
“I’m sorry I made you leave,” Sam cried into the phone softly. The sound of her tears filled the phone and Tonya let her cry. After a minute, she told her it was okay.
“I understand. I can’t begin to imagine how you have been feeling and struggling. I’m still here for you. I will always be here for you to the best of my ability.”
“I know. Thank you.”
“You will get through this Sam. You are a lot stronger than you think you are.”
“It hurts so much. I miss him.”
“Of course, you hurt and you will always miss him. In time, it will get easier. You may not believe that now, but it will eventually. Have you talked with Him?”
Unsure of who she meant she asked, “Talked with who?”
“Have you talked with God about any of this?”
She felt a slight pang of anger hit her.
“I don’t know if I can right now. I know He’s there, but I’m not ready.”
“You will in time. I’m praying for you. I am sure a lot of people are praying for you.”
They talked for about a half an hour before ending the conversation. Sam told her how she woke up and saw herself. How it had made her eyes open enough to be disgusted and she cleaned herself up. She didn’t mention the incident with the razor, but she admitted to not eating or taking her meds which she got scolded for. They talked about school starting back soon and did she think she would be ready or did she have different plans. She told Tonya she hadn’t given it any thought, but she would because she knew she had to.
They said goodnight and would talk again in a day or so. She called Junior and made sure he was okay and invited him over whenever he was ready. He said that he would like that and probably would in a few days.
Even though it was late she called her parents and told them she loved them. She let them know she was not okay, but she was getting there. She said she would start answering her phone and she was sorry for worrying them.
When she went to bed that night she felt a little better than she had been. She cried herself to sleep like she would for more times than not in the upcoming weeks, but she was getting better. At least she thought she was.
As she lay in her bed she couldn’t see the angel beside her. She couldn’t see the angel’s long red hair or her compassionate smile. She couldn’t feel the hand that was holding hers, wanting to give her strength and comfort. The only thing she could feel was the gift of sleep that was a blessing. When she dreamed that night it was a dream of her walking in a mass of clouds. One like the one she had a month ago, but had forgotten.
***
Marion sat beside Sam praying hard for her poor soul. Praying deeply that she would sleep peacefully and wake up feeling more rested. Hoping she would not hurt as bad when she woke although it would take a long time for the pain to disappear.
She knew she couldn’t leave her side for very long and sometimes she wished she had a little help from another angel. But, this was all part of Gods plan and she had to do it His way. She had to follow things that only He would understand. Things weren’t always easy. Some jobs would be even more difficult than this one, but they would make it through. She didn’t feel she was doing much of anything for Sam. Maybe all God wanted her to do was give Sam comfort. If that’s what He wanted her to do, that’s what she would keep doing. Marion had faith and sometimes faith is all you need.