There were exactly seventeen days before Sam could return to school and begin the last quarter. She looked forward to getting back in there and having something productive to do. She also looked forward to seeing everyone again. She missed most of them, and felt bad because she hadn’t returned some of their messages before her trip to Florida. When she got home from her trip, that was one of the first things she managed to do. She had to answer some of the same questions more than once, but it touched her heart that her classmates had thought of her and were concerned.
Being on the phone wasn’t something she had ever been a fan of, but it seemed that lately she had been on it quite a bit. Between her parents, Chris’s parents a couple of times, Tonya, classmates and Junior, she almost wished she had a Bluetooth.
Time was flying by and she had been procrastinating about things she knew needed to be done. The one big thing that Tonya brought up at the Olive Garden that Sam didn’t want to talk about—what to do with all of Chris’s things. She knew it would be difficult and painful and she didn’t want to do it.
She started doing things she hadn’t done before. She started sleeping in Chris’s dress shirts like a nightgown. Watching a television show that he loved but she didn’t particularly enjoy when he was alive. Sleeping on his side of the bed and spraying his cologne in the air so she could get a sense of him in the room.
She thought it wasn’t healthy to do those things, but she didn’t want and wasn’t ready to let go of him. She didn’t think she would ever be able to. She believed with all her heart that she would never date another man. She would never be able to give her heart away again like she had with him. She believed that it wasn’t possible.
Finally, about a week before school would start again, she called around to find someone to talk to about her struggles. She had to go through several before she found one that would take a new patient. She made the appointment for that upcoming Friday, and the rest of that week she stressed about meeting the therapist. She had no idea what it would be like or what to expect. Part of her dreaded going, but knew she needed too.
When Friday arrived and Sam walked into the therapist’s office, she couldn’t remove the fear that had built up inside her. Her knees felt weak and her hands were shaking, and she started to get a headache. She kept telling herself it would be okay, to stay calm. To breathe. She walked up to the receptionist and told her she had an appointment with Pam Sanders.
“Okay, I’ll let her know. Just have a seat and she’ll be right with you.”
“Thank you.”
She sat and waited as she tried to calm her nerves. She didn’t get that chance for long; only a couple minutes after she sat down, her new therapist opened the door and greeted her.
“Samantha Tyler?”
“Hi,” she replied as she stood and walked through the door into her office.
When Sam walked in she was pleased to see it wasn’t one of those large fancy types seen in the movies or on television. Instead, Pam Sanders had a medium sized dark oak desk that was neatly organized and had a couple of pictures of her family sitting on it. Two file cabinets were in one corner and several tall plants were scattered around the room. She couldn’t tell if they were real or plastic, but they made the room feel comfortable. She quickly took in the room to get a feel of what Pam Sanders was like. Two things that attracted Sam the most were the abstract art hanging on the walls and the lack of a large couch for her to lie on. Sam expected there to be one.
“So, how are you feeling today?” Pam asked her.
“I’m a little nervous. This is my first time seeing a therapist.”
“That’s understandable, but I hope I will be able to ease your mind fairly quickly. I promise I don’t bite.” Pam smiled at her, and Sam liked the way her face changed when she did. Pam had a relaxed and comforting face and her eyes made Sam feel she could be trusted. She thought a person could tell a lot about someone by the way their eyes held yours.
“So, for the first visit, I’ll start out by keeping it low key and let you tell me something about yourself. Anything that you want. I want to build a trust as we go along, because without trust the process will be more difficult and I won’t be able to help you. With it, hopefully you’ll want to keep coming to see me. I may ask some questions as we go, but you have nothing to worry about. There won’t be any pressure. Whenever you are ready to be open with me about more personal topics we’ll talk about them then. How does that sound to you?”
Sam nodded and began to feel more at ease and comfortable. She felt her breathing start to smooth out as well.
“Sounds perfect. Thank you. Can you do me a favor and call me Sam? It’s just that is what I’ve always gone by.”
“Of course. So, tell me something about yourself, Sam. Something such as your likes, dislikes, what you do as far as hobbies if you have any. Maybe about your job, relationships with family and friends. Whatever you feel like telling me.”
Sam began to feel overwhelmed again and took a deep breath. She looked at the therapist and she could feel her cheeks burning. No doubt as red as the skin on an apple.
“Well, at the moment, I’m not actually working. I just came back from a trip to Florida to be with a friend for a few weeks. She runs her uncle’s restaurant, and while I was there I worked and made a little money.”
“Oh well, that sounds great. What kind of work did you do there?”
“I love cooking. I’m going to culinary school now and I have one more quarter left until I’m a chef, so I worked in the kitchen.”
“Congratulations, even if it is a little ahead of time. I’m sure you are excited and looking forward to that.”
“Yes, very much.”
Pam smiled and urged her to continue. “Please, do go on.”
Sam could hear the leather of the chair squeak when she sat back. “Well, let’s see. As far as likes and dislikes go, I like to read, listen to music, watch a movie from time to time. The basic things most people like. I love cats, but I don’t have one at the moment. I don’t really have any hobbies, but I have always wanted to learn how to paint. My relationship with my parents is very good. My best friend in Florida is like a sister and I’m still friends with Chris’s best friend. His name is Junior.”
“It’s good that you and Junior are still friends,” Pam told her. “How is that going?”
“It wasn’t easy at first and it still isn’t to be honest. The pain of losing Chris was so strong and it still is, but I guess you can say that we needed each other’s support. We still talk, but we don’t hang out a lot or anything like that.”
“What are your plans after you graduate or have you been able to think that far?”
Sam thought for a moment. She started to fidget, twirling some hair around her fingers. Pam noticed but didn’t say anything, just mentally making a mark about it.
“I’ve always wanted my own restaurant. Nothing very fancy or anything like that,” she looks at the ceiling and shrugs. “Maybe, a three star one. Quality food, but not too overpriced.”
“You say that’s what you have always wanted, but is that what you are going to strive for after graduation?”
Sam stopped playing with her hair and clasped her fingers together.
“I don’t know, to be honest,” she said and took a deep breath. “My friend in Florida, her uncle I mean, well, he offered me a job while I was there, but I have no idea what is next. My entire world has been turned upside down. To tell you the truth, I’m shocked I’m even able to function right now. For what felt like an eternity I was barely living at all, so to speak.”
“Well, hopefully together we can remedy that,” Pam told her with a smile.
The rest of the hour with her therapist went by quickly. Even though Sam was more comfortable than when she had first arrived, she still hadn’t unwound completely. She knew it would take some time before she was completely comfortable with Pam. She was glad she made the appointment, though. It was a beginning of a long healing cycle. She knew she wouldn’t ever completely recover from her loss, but it was a step forward. That was better than nothing at all. It was better than lying in her dark apartment, unmoving.
***
Sam got home and set her purse and cell phone with her keys on the table. As she poured herself a glass of juice she thought about her first visit with her therapist. It wasn’t bad. She had made another appointment for next week. She reminded herself to write it on the calendar that hung next to the first set of kitchen cabinets. She would need more than an appointment card to make her remember.
She made herself a sandwich and sat in front of the television, eating as she thought about things she needed to get back into the habit of doing. Or start doing was more like it. Since Chris died she barely paid any of the bills. She was grateful for her compassionate landlord, but the others wouldn’t be so understanding. There was a lot more than not being able to think about it. There was the fact of money. Death money is what Sam thought of it.
There was plenty of money from the insurance company. From Chris’s life insurance and from the trucker’s company. She didn’t have anything to worry about financially. The painful part was having to use it. But she knew since she hadn’t worked or done anything to make money, she didn’t have a choice. She had to pull her big girl panties up and be strong. No matter how much it hurt.
When she was finished eating, Sam pulled the planner and checkbook from a drawer in the kitchen. She found an ink pen and a notebook and made a list of all the bills. She found all the bills that had started to stack up and sorted through them, frowning more and more as she went. By the time she had everything organized she had grown frustrated. She turned the radio on and set it on a station that played music from the seventies and eighties on up. She had to have some kind of smooth distraction.
She wrote out a complete list and check after check she paid the bills, sealing the envelopes and stamping them. The next time she left the apartment she would put them in the mail. The one she wouldn’t put in the mail was the rent check. That one she would take and pay personally. She felt she needed to say thank you to her landlord for being as understanding and patient as he was.
When Sam finished, the thought of what Tonya said to her invaded her mind and heart again. Doing something with Chris’s things. She knew she would probably never be able to get rid of all his belongings, but maybe Tonya was right. Maybe, she did need to do something with at least part of it. Junior was the same size as Chris, or at least she thought he was. He would probably love some of Chris’s clothes.
Taking a deep breath, she asked God for the strength to do what needed to be done. With that she was surprised since she had gotten out of the habit of talking to Him as often as she used to. She walked into the bedroom and began to pull open the drawers that had been Chris’s side of the dresser. She stood and stared down at what the drawers contained and could feel her heart race. A lump began to form in her throat and she thought she was going to have an anxiety attack. Closing her eyes, she talked herself down, one breath at a time.
“You can do this. You can do this. You can do this,” she repeated to herself.
Finally, without putting any more thought into it, she began to empty the drawers, placing the clothes on the bed. Within a few minutes, there were t-shirts, socks, underwear, and various other clothes and items lying on the bed. When she was finished, Sam realized she didn’t think ahead enough to see if she had anything to put all of it in.
“Great. Way to go Sam,” she scolded herself.
Shaking her head and frustrated with her lack of better planning, she walked into the kitchen to get some trash bags. When she reached under the sink, she discovered there was only one left.
“This is awesome!” she mumbled and dropped the near empty box back under the sink.
Walking back through the bedroom determined she was going to finish what she started, she opened the doors to the walk-in closet. In the back, on the left-hand side, she saw two medium sized boxes and pulled one of them out. Thankfully, it wasn’t full, but had only some items that appeared to not be overly important. She didn’t know exactly what they were. Mainly a bunch of old bills, large manila envelopes and other business looking things that belonged to Chris. When she began to empty the box something caught her eye and she stopped what she was doing.
Among the scattered items in the box, and mixed in with all the other envelopes, she saw one with something handwritten on it. In Chris’s handwriting. She pulled it out and saw words that confused her and piqued her curiosity at the same time.
In bold letters written with a black sharpie bore the words,
“For the future in case something happens.”
“What the…?”
Sam took the envelope and sat on the edge of the bed. For some reason her heart began running a little faster again. She didn’t know why, but she had an unusual feeling about what she was getting ready to see. Part of her wondered if Chris had been keeping secrets from her.
With slightly trembling fingers she unfolded the metal clasps that held the envelope closed and opened it. She peered inside, suspicious of its contents. With pursed lips and swirling excitement, she removed several professionally written papers from it and began reading. What she saw did a lot more than simply excite her. The black inked words on the smooth white paper stunned her.
***
An hour later Sam sat across from Junior at the kitchen table. She watched his eyes scan the papers and tried not to be impatient. His lips were firmly pressed. His brow wrinkled from deep thought. Finally, he laid them down and looked at her with a confused expression.
“What do you think?” she asked him.
She had called him immediately after her breathing started to slow and became normal. She wanted his opinion on what she had found and wanted to make sure she wasn’t misreading any of it.
“I have to admit this is shocking, but it looks to me that you’re sitting pretty good.”
“What do you mean by sitting pretty good?”
Picking the papers up from the table and holding them in front of Sam, Junior tried to explain it to her the best he knew how.
“It looks like my best friend, your husband, could either look into the future and see that it was possible something would happen, or he was being cautious. He was obviously thinking about you and your future either way. It says here, and it’s a legal document, that if anything, for any reason what so ever, happened to him that left you a widow, that you would be rewarded the sum of a million dollars.”
Speechless, she sat and stared at Junior. She couldn’t fathom the meaning behind his words. Junior let the documents fall back to the table and rubbed his eyes. Neither spoke for long seconds until she took the papers in her hands and stared at them open mouthed.
“I don’t understand,” she finally said and looked at him. He sat there with his arms crossed appearing as confused and befuddled as she was. “Where could he have gotten a million dollars?”
“I’m as lost on this as you. It doesn’t say anywhere in those words about where he got it or how. Only that you are now a rich woman. I guess Chris was a lot more secret and mysterious than either of us could have imagined.”
“But, this doesn’t make sense. I knew Chris. I knew everything about him,” she exclaimed. Her voice was starting to rise, close to a shrill.
Junior raised his hands and shrugged. “Did you? Did I? I’ve known him longer than you. We went through some hard times together as friends, but I knew absolutely nothing about any of this.”
“What am I supposed to do?”
“It says on the bottom of the first page there is an office in Hartford. A lawyer’s office by the name of Skinner & Harmon. It says to call them if anything happens. I guess they will be able to answer all of your questions.”
Sam looked deep into Junior’s eyes and whispered, “Will they be able to tell me who the man I married really was?”
Half an hour later Junior drove home. He felt like a low-down dog for lying to Sam about everything. He knew exactly where the money had come from and how Chris had come into it, but he had made him a promise a long time ago. He wouldn’t break that promise if he could help it. Besides, he tried to convince himself, what harm would it do to keep it a secret? Whether he told her the truth or not she would be getting the money which was what Chris had planned. She would never have to worry about money again.
That wasn’t the only thing eating at him. He was still having to hold in his feelings for her. How long would he be able to keep that a secret? How long until the truth of his love would show through by the way he looked at her? He hated lying to her and having to be something he didn’t want to be. But that was life and that was how things would need to be. At least for now. Probably forever.