The bleep bleep from the heart monitor softly filled the room as Chris sat next to Sam’s bed in the hospital, waiting to hear from the doctors. It was the second time in the last couple of weeks, and they hadn’t even been home an entire twenty-four hours. He believed the trip had been too much for her. He berated himself for what happened and felt it was his fault.
His brain wouldn’t shut up about that moment at home. He remembered thinking she was in the shower a long time. Longer than usual at least. He also remembered the fear that coursed through him when he found her lying on the shower floor.
When he knocked on the bathroom door and called her name he knew something wasn’t right. If she had heard him, if nothing had been wrong, she would have answered right away. When he opened the door the room was filled with so much steam he could barely see. He slid the shower door open so hard it should have cracked; his heart felt like it did when he saw Sam slumped against the shower wall. He didn’t even think about turning the water off. His brain was on full throttle trying to get her out and call 911.
By the time he removed her from the hot jet spray he was soaking wet, but didn’t notice or care. He laid her on the bed and called for an ambulance, frantic on the phone and having a hard time talking to the operator. Once his nerves calmed enough he realized he should cover her before they arrived and thankfully, they didn’t take long to get there.
Once again he gazed at her, drugged into a deep sleep. Tubes were a part of her as she breathed. They had been there for a few hours already, and from what the doctor first told him, it was her heart again. He said he was going to call the hospital in Myrtle Beach, talk to the doctors, and have them fax all of Sam’s information.
As Chris waited, he prayed, but it wasn’t an easy thing. He tried to pray, but he was beginning to grow angry. He did his best to not think about what could happen, but was afraid. He was afraid for her life. He was afraid of what life would be without her. She was so young and they had been married only two years. They hadn’t even tried to have a family yet. He wanted to scream at God and tell Him it wasn’t fair. He wanted to know why she had to suffer so much.
Standing, he turned and looked out the window into the parking lot of the hospital. His gaze traveled over incoming and departing vehicles. He saw the trees and the sun and how light reflected off the pavement. Even though his eyes could see everything, his heart and mind were focused on the woman he loved. The person lying in bed behind him struggling to live. His emotions took over and he could not have cared less if anyone walked in. Hot tears streamed freely down his face. He let it all out then because she would need him to be strong later.
Chris had called his best friend Junior who was on his way. He didn’t know who else to talk to nor did he really want to be around anyone else. They had grown up together and Junior had seen him through everything. Once again, he needed him, like so many times before.
Together, he and Junior had been through good times and bad. He remembered the day he first saw Sam at Coe Park, later telling Junior all about it. Junior had given him a hard time because he had been too nervous to go up and talk to her. He threw Chris a small bachelor’s party and had been his best man at their wedding. Junior would be his support system again, and Chris was grateful to have him as his friend.
While he was trying to calm down and wipe the tears from his face, he heard Junior asking a nurse a question outside the room. He turned from the window as Junior walked in and hugged him, then broke down again.
“Hey, man, it’s okay,” Junior told him and patted him on the back. “She’s going to pull through this.”
Grateful Junior came as quickly as he could, Chris could only nod and whisper “Thank you.” After a moment, he sat down and took a deep breath.
“Thanks for coming, man. I appreciate it. I have got to pull myself together. This is tearing me apart seeing her go through this.”
“You don’t have to thank me and stop being so hard on yourself. You’re my best friend. My brother, and you know how I feel about her. She’s like a sister. What are the doctors telling you?”
“Not much right now. The doctor here is supposed to be talking to the one at the beach and getting back to me, but it’s her heart, again. I’m scared.”
The machine beside the bed beeped its monotone noise and Junior looked at it. He nodded and turned back to Chris.
“I know you are and I am too. Fear is normal. I wish I knew what to tell you. Some kind of advice, but I don’t. I’m not much help in that category. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. Nobody does.”
“Has she been awake at all since she’s been here?”
“Not really. They have her sedated.”
“What happened? If you can tell me, I mean did she have a heart attack? What was she doing?”
“She was in the shower. We got home from the beach last night. It was late and we were both tired so we went to bed. I got up early this morning and after a while I made breakfast. She seemed tired, but nothing that wasn’t expected after what has happened and from the drive. She said she was going to take a shower. After she was in there a while I got worried. I went to the door and knocked and called her name; when she didn’t answer I knew something was wrong. She was lying on the shower floor, unconscious.”
Looking at her and slowly shaking his head Junior kept silent. What could be said? He felt sorry for Chris and couldn’t imagine what he was feeling and going through, but his heart truly hurt for Sam. He watched her take shallow breaths and her eyelids fluttered.
The feelings in his heart were something nobody knew about. They were his own and they would stay that way. He turned back to his friend and tried to reassure him.
“Well, I’m here for you both and if you need anything, anything at all you let me know. I mean that too. I know how stubborn you can be at times.”
“Thanks. I know you do.”
The room drew silent as they waited, the silence close to deafening. The beeping from her machines and the ticking from the wall clock seemed to grow louder. After what felt like an eternity to him, Chris grew impatient and walked out to the nurses’ desk asking for her doctor. He needed to know something, anything at all, but something. All they could say was the doctor was waiting to hear back from the doctor in Myrtle Beach. Chris felt like he was going to lose his mind.
As he paced the floors his thoughts were directed toward God. Chris asked Him why all of this was happening. He didn’t get an answer. He was becoming angrier toward God and that was a horrible feeling. He hadn’t been to church in a long time. He didn’t read the Bible like he used to and only prayed when he felt like he should. He remembered praying earlier with Sam at dinner. That had been the first time in a long time. Maybe God was punishing them. Maybe God was angry at them because He felt they weren’t living right. Chris didn’t know, but he did know and believe what was happening to Sam was wrong. She didn’t deserve any of it.
The doctor finally showed up and told Chris he received Sam’s information from the hospital in Myrtle Beach. He apologized for taking so long to get back with Chris, and said he would be running more tests on Sam in the morning. Until then, and the entire time she was there, they would be keeping a close eye on her.
The news didn’t make Chris feel any better. Junior suggested they get something to eat, but Chris was scared to leave her alone. “What if she wakes up?”
“I don’t mean to sound like a jerk, but with the medications she’s on I doubt she will. Come on. You need to get out and eat something. Even if we go downstairs to the cafeteria.”
Chris looked at her and walked over. His chest was beginning to hurt but he knew it was from stress and fatigue. He took her hand in his and caressed it gently with hopes she would open her eyes, but Junior was right. She would sleep at least through the night. He leaned down and kissed her on her forehead, whispering he would be back and he wouldn’t stay gone for long.
He let her hand softly rest on the sheet and turned to leave. He felt guilty for doing so, but went downstairs to the cafeteria, got a cup of coffee, and sat at one of the small tables.
“I’ll get something to eat after this. I need some caffeine first.”
The two of them sat and watched others walking through the cafeteria. Doctors and nurses who were in a hurry and didn’t have enough time to sit and enjoy a hot meal or even a drink. Families and friends of someone who was in one of the rooms upstairs. Chris could see some of them looked as stressed and tired as he did. Even with his own worries, he felt sorry for all of them. He remembered every person had their own personal struggles and that he and Sam were no different. Tragic and horrible things would most likely always remain a mystery. He was caught up in his own thoughts and didn’t realize Junior had asked him a question.
“What? I’m sorry man. My brain is out there right now.”
“Hey, you don’t have to apologize. Quit saying that. I understand. I don’t know how I would be if I were in your shoes right now. You’re holding up better than I would be.”
“What did you ask me?”
“I asked if you had given any thought to what you would be doing?”
“What do you mean exactly?”
“Well, for starters, are you staying here tonight or going home to at least take a shower and get some things?”
Chris looked down at his cup, slowly turning it in his fingers thinking. The sound of the paper cup skidding on the tabletop settled on his brain like a child’s comfort blanket. He hadn’t given anything other than fear and what the doctors were going to say any time in his head.
“To tell you the truth, I haven’t thought about anything. At least not about anything other than Sam and what the doctors would say. I guess maybe I do need some things, but I don’t want to stay away from her for too long.”
“Will they let you stay overnight? You may want to ask them.”
Sighing, he simply nodded.
“You look exhausted,” Junior told him with sympathy. “Why don’t you let me drive you home so you can get some rest?”
“I know it’s not the right thing to do, but what I want to do is get drunk.”
“I hear you on that and I don’t blame you either. I tell you what—how about this? Why don’t we get a bite to eat? We can go back upstairs and see her for a few minutes before we leave, you can find out about staying here, then I’ll drive you home. If you want we can stop and get something to drink and go to your place to get lit, but you need to get some sleep. You both have been through hell and back lately. You need the rest, if possible.”
“Okay. Look, Junior. I know you are right about all of this and I will try to get some sleep later and probably a shower, but I highly doubt I will be able to sleep much tonight.”
“Okay, that’s fine. Let’s do something, though.”
“Let’s get something to take home to eat. I don’t want anything here. I’m sure I’ll eat plenty from here over the next few days or however long she’s here.”
Junior agreed; they left the cafeteria and went back to Sam’s room. Chris talked to a nurse about being able to sleep in Sam’s room with her. She didn’t see a problem with it, but had to make sure it was okay with her supervisor first. She said she could call him later to let him know.
He talked to Sam before leaving, whispering in her ear while Junior waited in the hall. He gently kissed her goodnight and told her he loved her with hopes she could hear those deep and meaningful words. When they walked to Junior’s car, leaving his in the parking lot, guilt wrapped around him like a blanket for leaving her. He was terrified he wouldn’t see her alive again.
***
Back at his apartment, Chris sat across from Junior with a beer in his hand, not even wanting it the way he did earlier. Guilt continued to eat at him and kept him from getting drunk. The idea of having to rush back to the hospital for whatever reason convinced him to stay sober. The fear of getting a call from the hospital engulfed him.
Together, he and Junior managed to eat part of a pizza. With beers in hand, Chris told Junior about their trip before the accident happened.
“You should have seen her when we went to the aquarium,” he began with a smile. “She was like a little girl filled with complete joy at the entire experience. They let us tape it so we have it on video, too. I think in a way I had more fun watching her than anything else.”
“I’m sure. I would like to watch it sometime, or even better go see it myself.”
“I also took her to the Bowery. It’s a pub where Alabama got started and I think a couple of other bands. We played putt putt golf and of course she beat the pants off me. We were having a great time until…”
A lump that felt like a baseball suddenly filled his throat and he wasn’t able to continue. He took a large swallow of the beer. He wanted to make it all go away, but it didn’t help. His eyes filled with hot tears and he thought he would break the bottle with his hands by squeezing it so hard. Instead, he set it on the table and covered his face. With little warning he was suddenly shaking with anger. Anger that turned into tears that wracked him completely and he wanted to scream. He wanted to lash out, but knew it wouldn’t do any good.
Junior sat quietly and let Chris get it out and stared at the floor. He knew there wasn’t anything he could say to make the situation better. He knew letting Chris release what he was feeling would be the best thing he could do. After about five minutes Chris began to calm down and his ragged breathing smoothed out.
“I think I need another beer, after all.”
“I’ll get it,” Junior said and walked to the kitchen, bringing back two. He handed one to Chris and sat back down.
“You want me to stay here tonight?” Junior asked. “I’ll crash on the couch.”
“Yeah, I think that’s a good idea. Thanks.”
Taking a deep breath Junior looked at Chris and started a conversation he didn’t want to start, but one which Chris needed to have.
“Umm, look, Chris, I know this is hard. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through. If you don’t want to talk about it right now I understand, but there are some things you will need to think about and real soon.”
Chris nodded and stared at the floor ignoring what he was hinting at for a moment. “Did you know she wants to open her own restaurant? She has mentioned it before and talked about it at the beach.”
Junior tried to smile. “No, I didn’t know that. She would be great at it; I have no doubt.”
“She said nothing real big, something casual and affordable for most people but kind of fancy at the same time. That’s how she put it to me. She said something about having it here in Torrington and that it would be good for the economy. I don’t know about that, but she’s the smart one out of the two of us.”
Forgetting the topic he was going to attempt, Junior asked if Sam had said what she wanted to call it.
“She hasn’t thought of a name she was happy with yet, but I’m sure it would have a ring to it. Something that would attract people.”
The conversation managed to stay low key. Junior knew Chris couldn’t handle anything too serious again the rest of the night. It had gotten late and by the time they finished a six pack they were both ready to get some sleep. Chris was amazed by how tired he was even though he thought he shouldn’t have been with everything on his mind.
Junior fell asleep on the couch and Chris went to his room. For the first time since he and Sam were married he went to bed alone. Again, he cried. He prayed for God to help Samantha. He literally begged Him to not take her from him. Before sleep was kind and took him for the night he wondered if God heard him or if He even cared.
***
Junior slept fitfully on the couch. After a couple of hours of going back and forth sleeping and waking he decided to watch some television. Maybe that would be helpful. He didn’t think he would be able to get much rest with the way he was feeling. The stress he was carrying but couldn’t talk about, not even to Chris. Especially not with Chris.
Chris had been his best friend for most of his life and he wouldn’t do anything to damage the bond they had. Not even let his secret out to another soul. If he told anyone, anyone at all, he was afraid Chris would find out. Or Sam would hear about it. The fact he had been in love with his best friend’s wife since day one was a painful and bittersweet secret to hold onto.
He sat quietly with the sound on low watching the figures and pictures move across the flat screen TV, but wasn’t really paying it much mind. His mind and heart were elsewhere. He remembered the day when Chris called him from the beach and told him some teenager had hit Sam with his car. He thought he was going to die right there on the spot. He worried constantly about them, but especially her. The hardest part was not being able to do anything to help and not being able to express to a soul how he felt.
He thought about his emotions when he walked into the hospital room and saw Sam lying there. He had been torn between comforting Chris and going to her. How he was going to control himself if matters grew worse he didn’t know, but he would have to learn.
He looked at the cable box and saw it was only 3:10 in the morning. Most people were asleep and enjoying dreams that danced in their heads. At least on his side of the world. Laying his head against the back of the couch he wondered if Sam was dreaming, and what her dreams would be about.
There had been times when he would fool himself into thinking she thought about him in an intimate way. Foolish thoughts. More like fantasizing. He knew she loved Chris and only looked at him as a friend. He was grateful for her friendship and would never do anything to make her think he wanted more than that but wished a thousand times to hold her in his arms. To feel her lips against his and to one day tell her how he really felt about her. That day would never come and he knew it.
Sitting up and shaking his head, he mentally kicked himself for going where no man should ever go alone. Inside his own head. He turned the television off and lay back down. Sleep or no sleep he had to try for at least an hour. Maybe God would grace him with that much.