- GARRETT -
I was going to throw up. No, I was going to run away.
I had steps—proper ones suggested by my therapist who I started seeing right after moving out of Derek’s place two months ago.
All I wanted to do last night was tell Blair why I was back. It took everything I had not to blurt the words I was there to say. I couldn’t. Not yet.
If I told Blair the truth—that I broke up with Derek right after Hunter’s visit, and I’d been living in an overpriced, overcrowded dump of an apartment with three other guys since—I knew we’d end up in bed together, and that wasn’t what this was about.
Derek might’ve been right that I needed help, but he didn’t understand I needed it for me, not him, and I wasn’t going to be pushed into it.
“Garrett?” The voice sounded exactly the same as it did in high school.
I stood from my chair inside the small café I asked Jeremy to meet me at, still shocked he agreed to see me at all.
It was weird, standing there with a few feet between us. I wasn’t sure whether I should’ve reached out to shake his hand or what, but he took the decision away for me when he sat in the chair in front of mine.
“Thanks for agreeing to come,” I said as I sat back down. My voice was hoarse, and I had to clear my throat.
“I have someone outside. Just in case.”
“You didn’t trust me?” I knew I had no right to be pissed, but it cut me all the same.
“Do you blame me?”
“No.” I took a sip of my coffee. “You want anything? My shout.”
“I’m good. I’m not staying long, so say whatever it is you need to say and I’ll be going.”
My brow furrowed. “Why did you meet me if you’re not willing to hear me out properly?”
“Because I felt guilty about yelling at you on the street a few years ago. It’d been over ten years since all that shit went down between us. Seeing you brought it all back, but that doesn’t mean you deserved it.”
“I deserved it. I probably still deserve it.”
“It took me a long time to understand why you did what you did in high school. But I get it. You had the same fear I had every single day, but you protected yourself from it by putting all the focus on me, and I can’t hate you for that. I want to but I think that’s unfair.”
“I shouldn’t have outed you,” I said, my voice cracking. “It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done in my entire life, and I still haven’t forgiven myself for it.”
“Don’t you think it’s about time you let it go?” he said, surprising me. “Have you ever thought about what your friends would’ve done had you told them the truth? That you kissed me? Do you think they wouldn’t have beat the shit out of both of us? By doing what you did, at least one of us was saved the trouble. I was practically already out; there were already rumours about me. What you did was wrong, but it saved you—”
“You think what I did saved me?” I yelled and then lowered my voice. “I’m still in the fucking closet. I can’t come out because all that day did was instil fear in me so great I can’t even find the words to tell my parents that I’m gay. I pretended to be straight for nine years after high school, and I’ve hidden my sexuality for the last five. What I did didn’t save me. It didn’t save either of us. Maybe if I had the guts to tell them the truth back then, we could’ve at least gone through the same thing together, and I could’ve accepted who I was. You wouldn’t have tried to kill yourself, and maybe I wouldn’t have been miserable for these last fourteen years trying to hide who I am.”
Jeremy let out a whistle. “Fuck, Garrett. That’s a lot to be carrying around all these years.”
“No shit.”
He sighed and took out his phone.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Telling my friend he can leave and then you’re buying me coffee.”
“Really?”
“Thirty-one-year-old Garrett needs to stop punishing himself for what a scared seventeen-year-old Garrett did.”
“Just like that?” I asked.
“Just like that. But you need to know a few things. First of all, I never tried to kill myself. That was a rumour that spread around after I left school. That’s not to say I didn’t think about doing it, but I had supportive parents who I was open with and they fought for me; I was one of the lucky ones. Because of what your friends did to me, the school made a special allowance where I was able to finish my last semester at home, do my exams in the principal’s office so I didn’t have to interact with other students, and—”
“Why didn’t we ever get in trouble? Why didn’t you rat us out?”
He pursed his lips. “They wanted me to. My parents accused the school of discrimination over the fact I was being segregated from the other students even though I was the victim, but the school kept reminding them that it was the only way to keep me safe if I refused to tell them who my abusers were. I genuinely feared for my life, and at that point, I was happy to study from home and not have to see anyone. I wasn’t going to give up anyone. It wasn’t to protect you; it was to protect myself.”
“You should’ve told them,” I mumbled.
“If I could go back in time and tell myself to do it, I probably would, but I was too scared back then to do anything.”
“Our school brought in a zero-tolerance policy after you left.”
He smiled. “At least something good came of my nightmare.”
“I really am sorry,” I whispered.
“That’s the last one you get. You don’t need to apologise again, okay? If anyone should apologise, it’s the ones who actually laid a hand on me.” His face brightened. “Ooh, funny story. I ran into Belinda from school a few years back. Apparently, one of the twins got done for drug dealing and went to prison for a while. I was pretty happy to hear that.”
I wasn’t shocked that was where the twins ended up. They were doing that shit at school too. “Not all that surprising, to be honest. But I do need to apologise, because what I did to you was just as bad as what they did.”
“The metal pins in my arm would probably agree with that, but I guess I never thought about how that whole thing affected you. I certainly didn’t think you’d still be thinking about it fourteen years later. You’ve got to move on, man. If I can, you can.”
I swallowed hard. “I’ll try.”
“And … while we’re at it, I guess I should thank you.”
“Huh?”
“Marc. Had I not ran into you guys, I’d probably still be with that cheating wanker. That may’ve been another reason I yelled at you that night.”
“Nothing happened between me and Marc. We went on one date, and when he found out I knew his ex, Blair, he didn’t want anything to do with me.”
“Still, he went on a date while he had a boyfriend. I knew him before we got together; we were friends, so I knew what he was like in a relationship. I was there when he cheated on Hayden with Blair. But I thought he was going to be different with me. Stupid, right?”
I shook my head. “Not stupid. You just wanted to believe you could be the exception.”
“Isn’t that what everyone wants? To be someone’s exception?”
I went to open my mouth but nothing came out.
Blair was my exception. I would do anything to make that man happy. It may’ve taken me a long time to get here, but I was ready. I just hoped I wasn’t too late.
Jeremy and I talked for most of the afternoon. He told me about his new boyfriend who wasn’t a cheating asshole, and I told him about Blair. When we parted, we left as friends, and I felt lighter than I had in fourteen years.
***
I knocked on the guest room door at my parents’ house. “Better be decent.” I let myself into the room. “Damn, you are.” My brother and his girlfriend were dumping their bags in the corner. They were staying overnight, but I was heading back to Blair’s after dinner.
“Don’t be creepy,” Hunter said and pushed me in the chest.
I pushed back and we started wrestling, trying to tackle each other to the ground until Sara shrieked when we got too close.
We pulled apart and I grinned at her. “Hey, sis.” I wrapped her in a hug. “I can call you sis, right? Little Ryan’s first girlfriend.”
“Well, I beat you. You’ve never had a girlfriend.”
I wanted to tell him why I’d never had a girlfriend but now wasn’t the time. Tonight was about Sara and my brother. She was the first girl he’d ever brought home—the first person he was ever serious about.
“Nah, I had heaps of girlfriends when I was in school,” I said.
“So did I. They don’t count,” Hunter said. “You’ve never had an adult relationship.”
With a woman. “By choice.”
“I’m sure you just haven’t met the right girl yet,” Sara said.
“Pfft. I doubt any girl will ever have the goods to make me want to settle down.” That’s for damn sure.
“And that’s my brother,” Hunter said, shoving me outside and slamming the door.
“Mum sent me up to get you because dinner’s ready,” I yelled.
When we sat down to dinner and Mum asked how my brother and Sara met, and he lied, I felt I needed to do the big brother thing.
“Naw, why you lyin’?” I turned to Mum. “Sara’s the girl you called a skank when you found out about Ryan’s tattoo four years ago. Because he got it for her. I introduced them at a bar.”
Oh yeah, my brother’s girlfriend hated me, but her scowl was so cute all I could do was laugh.
“You’re that Sara?” Mum asked.
Mum was so pissed when she found out about Hunter’s tattoo, even though he was twenty-three when he got it. She kept saying he put his job as a model in jeopardy for a skank he had one night with.
I sat back and enjoyed the show of my brother having to explain himself.
God knew he’d have his payback soon when I came out. He would be the one sitting there while I sweated telling Mum and Dad that I was in love with a guy—one of his best friends, no less.
When we finished up with dinner, Mum took Sara out on the veranda to chat. Poor girl.
While Hunter and I did the dishes, he nudged me. “Thanks for that, bro.”
I grinned. “You expect any less from me?”
“Nope.”
“So … I’m … ah, thinking of moving back.” Should I tell him now? Over the sink? No wait, there’s access to knives.
“That’s cool. It’d be good to have you back.”
“Aww, you love me, little brother. Admit it.”
“No fucking way.”
I put him in a headlock, rubbing my soapy hands over his hair as I gave him a noogie.
“Aren’t you supposed to be mature and shit now you’re in your thirties?”
I shook my head. “Nah.”
After the dishes were done, Hunter and Sara headed to bed because they were going on location for one of Hunter’s photoshoots early in the morning.
“I’m gonna head out,” I said, poking my head into the living room where Mum and Dad were watching TV.
“Oh no, you don’t,” Mum said, gesturing for me to sit.
I sighed and threw myself on the couch next to her. “What’s up?”
“Were you really going to come home and not tell us you were here?” Mum asked. I knew this was coming. I’d messaged my brother about coming up here for a visit, but I hadn’t planned on seeing my parents. Hunter ratted me out.
“I’m only here for a few days. I wasn’t planning to come to Brisbane.”
Mum pursed her lips. “I know you’re a grown-ass man, and you don’t need your mother hounding you all the time, but sweetie, you live in an entirely different state, and …” She started getting teary.
“What your mother is trying to say”—Dad took over—“is you come to Queensland, you see your damn parents. You don’t want us to come to Sydney to visit, you don’t come home for Christmas, and when you do come home, we have to hear it from your brother.”
“I haven’t invited you to Sydney because I live in a flat with three other guys. There’s no room—”
“What happened to living with Derek?” Mum asked. “We don’t even know where you’re living.”
I was getting frustrated but only because I felt guilty. “I’m thirty-one years old, for fuck’s sake.”
“Watch your fucking mouth,” Dad said.
Our eyes locked and we both smirked.
“Garrett,” Mum said in that exasperated, motherly tone of hers. “We just want to know how our son’s doing. Are you seeing anyone? Do you like your life in Sydney?”
“I’m not seeing anyone. Working with my ex … roommate is hard because we didn’t exactly part on amicable terms. I like Sydney, but I’m trying to come home. There’s …” I let out the loudest breath I’d ever heard. “There’s someone back here who I want to be with.”
The plan wasn’t to come out to my parents. I figured Hunter would be easier first. But they were right there, asking about my life, and after the afternoon with Jeremy, I didn’t want to put it on hold any longer.
“What’s her name?” Dad asked.
“Uh …” I wrung my hands together. “Well, there’s something you guys need to know.”
I couldn’t say it. I needed to, but words failed me.
Mum smiled at me. “I think the correct question here should be what’s his name? Am I right?”
My mouth dropped open. “You already know?” I croaked.
Her smile didn’t waver. “Oh, honey, not for sure. Call it mother’s instinct. I suspected, maybe, when you were younger, but then you seemed like you were into girls when you were a teen and in your early twenties. Like really into women.”
“You were about to call me a manwhore, weren’t you?” I managed a small smile.
Tears filled her eyes.
I breathed in deep. “You’re upset.”
She shook her head. “No, no, not at all, sweetie. I love you … we love you. I just wish …God, this is going to sound so selfish. This is about you, not me.”
My heart pounded in my chest. She was going to bring up the grandkid thing. I knew it. Just like Blair’s mother. I held my breath.
“I feel like I’ve failed you as a parent because you thought you couldn’t come to us and tell us. I never wanted you to feel like you had to keep something like this a secret for so long.”
I pulled back in shock. “Wait … that’s your issue? Not the whole grandbabies thing that you’ve been hounding me about for years?”
“You think I’d force grandbabies over your happiness? What kind of parent would do that?”
“It happens,” I mumbled.
She sniffed and wiped her nose. “I’m sorry if it felt like I was hounding you about it.”
If I really thought about it, she didn’t do it that much. It wasn’t like she was calling me every other day and asking if I’d met someone. But every time she did bring it up, it made me bristle, which made it seem like it was all the time.
Dad was silent, and I was scared to glance in his direction because I wasn’t sure what I’d see when I looked into his eyes. But I was forced to when he started talking.
“We don’t care if you like guys. Even I’d turn for that Thor fella.”
I burst out laughing. My dad never ceased to amaze me with some of the shit that came out his mouth.
“And,” Dad added, “We’re sorry if we ever made you feel like you couldn’t come to us.”
That killed my laughter. “It had nothing to do with you guys,” I said quietly. “It was more my own issues. I’ve spent so long not accepting myself, there was no way I thought someone else would. I needed to get to this point on my own. And while it took a fuck load longer than it should’ve, and while I’ve been hiding it a long time, I didn’t know for sure until about five years ago. I had an inkling in high school, but—”
“Then that awful bullying mess with that boy happened,” Mum said. “I remember thinking that hit you hard. It was one of the first things that made me think you might’ve been gay. Maybe I should’ve said something to you back then—when you were in school.”
“You could’ve tried, but I doubt I would’ve told you the truth. Maybe you should’ve though. I was so scared I didn’t even let myself think about it for nine years. Not until …”
“Until?”
I had to pause to rebuild some courage to tell them about Blair. “You know Hunter’s friend Blair? The guy who rents my apartment?”
They nodded.
“He’s … uh, bi. I don’t know if you knew that or not.”
“We’d heard something about that from your brother,” Mum said.
“He’s the one who helped me through all this. I can’t say I’ve treated him all that well over the years, but no matter what, he’s always been there for me.”
“Is he the one you want to be with?” Mum asked.
“If he’ll have me. He still thinks I’m with Derek though. I haven’t told him—”
“So your roommate was actually your boyfriend?”
I nodded.
“I would’ve loved to have met him, you know,” she said.
My heart swelled and I was about to get emotional, so I had to shut that shit down. “You can pester Blair … if I can win him over. I have to get out of Sydney first. There’s still twelve months left on my contract at work, but I’m going to take a meeting with my old boss while I’m here and see if there’s anything available back at my old office with Pip and Gage.”
“Well, I hope it all works out for you,” Dad said, standing. Then he yawned. “And I’d love to sit up and talk some more, but I’m beat. I’m off to bed. You coming, missus?”
I stood too. “Oh, uh, one last thing. Hunter doesn’t know yet. About me, or the fact Blair and I were a thing.”
“What? I thought he’d be one of the first people you’d tell,” Mum said.
“That was the plan, but you cornered me first.” I smiled.
“Are you sure you don’t want to stay the night?” she asked.
“Nah. I’ve got that meeting in the morning. I’ll tell Hunter another time.”
She stood and hugged me. “We love you.”
Dad came in for a group hug. “Always.”
***
September, 2016
It was official. I was back in Queensland. It took three months, but my old office where Gage and Pip worked put in for my transfer because someone quit. I got the phone call last week that they’d welcome me back as soon as possible, and I started packing before I’d even hung up the phone.
I contemplated calling Blair, but I knew how much he loved being surprised. I couldn’t help laughing at that thought. He was going to hate me but not for long.
There was one thing I had to do before I went after Blair.
The plan was to come out to Hunter when I visited a few months ago, but there was some drama where Sara got pissed off at him and disappeared for two weeks. He wasn’t exactly in the right frame of mind when I left. I refused to do it over Facebook or on the phone, so my first stop when I arrived home today was to go see him.
A brunette girl—who wasn’t Sara but kinda looked like her—opened the door when I knocked.
“Uh … I’m looking for my brother?” I said, rubbing the back of my neck.
She jumped on the balls of her feet. “You have to be Hunter’s manwhore of a brother.”
I laughed at her bluntness. “So glad my reputation had preceded me. You must be Paige. Cole’s girlfriend?”
“Holy shit, the resemblance is almost uncanny. So, this is what he’d look like if he shaved his beard.”
Cole appeared behind Paige and wrapped his arm around her waist. “’Sup, Garrett. Hunter’s not here.”
“Where is he?”
“Sara’s,” Paige said.
Cole furrowed his brow. “You okay?”
I must’ve looked worried or something. “Just need to talk to Hunter.”
“What about?”
I threw him a half-smile. “Be at pub night tonight and you’ll find out.”
“You never come to pub night,” Cole said.
“Well, I do now. Also, get everyone to go. Everyone. No one’s going to want to miss it.”
“Ooh, intrigue,” Paige said.
I grinned. “Can I grab Sara’s address?”
Fifteen minutes later, I knocked on the door of a middle apartment in an oldish, run-down apartment block.
My brother answered it.
“What, you live here now?” I asked.
“What … what are you doing home? And here?”
“I missed you too, brother.”
He stood aside and let me in. “Sorry. What’s up?”
“We need to talk.”
“Okaaay. Sit.”
I tried to ignore the pinch in my gut and the urge to vomit as I sat on his girlfriend’s couch. “Okay. So. Umm … wow, I thought this was going to be easier with you, but it’s really not. Where’s Sara? Are we alone?”
“Her parents called and needed help with something. They just live up the road. What’s going on? You’re kinda freaking me out here.”
My mind froze. I had no words. I didn’t know how to say it—to make him take it seriously and understand. Palms sweaty, I ran my hands over my denim-covered thighs.
“Garrett—”
“I’m gay,” I blurted.
I was waiting for it. The “whatever, asshole” or the “how is that even possible when you’re such a manwhore?” I could almost see the words ticking over in his brain, but he sat there silently and didn’t move. He wasn’t even blinking.
“Don’t shut down like you did when Blair came out. Talk to me.”
My brother’s eyes met mine. His lips were pursed, his ears red, and true panic started to settle in my chest.
“Well, first of all,” he started. “You’re a fucking asshole.”
Ouch.
“You made me think you were dying or some shit.”
The cushion next to him came flying at my head, and I ducked out of the way, barely avoiding a collision with my face.
He relaxed back into the couch with a giant sigh of relief. “Seriously, I was sitting here thinking to myself Holy shit, my brother has cancer. Then you turn around and say something so …”
I was waiting for whatever he was going to say. Did he think it was gross? Wrong? What? What was he going to say?
“Obvious.”
That was not what I was expecting to come out his mouth.
“Obvious?” I croaked.
“Okay, not obvious. I’m not going to pretend I knew. But as soon as you said it, it made sense. I haven’t seen you with a woman in years. You still say stupid shit and act like a manwhore, but—Derek … your roommate. I felt vibes between you guys, but I thought he had a crush on you or something. I didn’t think—”
“I wanted to tell you. So many times I’ve come close to telling you. I’m sorry for not having the guts—”
“You don’t have to apologise, Garrett. I get you needed to do it in your own time. I mean, I’m kinda pissed you felt you had to keep it from me. Okay, the more I think about it, the more I’m super pissed because I don’t understand how you could think I was some close-minded asshole.”
“It wasn’t that. I don’t know how to explain it. I guess I just didn’t want to face it. It was easier not to. But that’s not an option now if I want to move home and live the life I want. Are … are you okay with it?” My heartbeat was in my throat.
“Don’t make me throw another cushion at you, dickhead. Of course, I’m okay with it. I don’t know if you know this, but I work in the fashion industry; I know a few gay guys.”
“None of them are your brother though.”
“I one hundred percent do not care who you do. But shit, thinking back, you sure did one hell of a cover-up show. I thought you were banging a different chick each week for a while there.”
I smirked. “I haven’t been with a woman in over four years.”
“Crazy.” He shook his head.
“There’s something else you should know, and it breaks all kinds of bro-code.”
His brow furrowed. “Okaaaay …”
“I’m in love with your best friend. Kinda always have been.”
“B-Blair?” he sputtered. “You were with Blair?”
“On and off for about five years now. It ended when I ran away to Sydney.”
He let out a loud whistle. “Do I have to kick his ass? Get all brotherly and be all ‘Why’d you fuck things up with my brother?’ Because I’d do it. For you.”
I couldn’t help laughing. “Trust me, if anyone deserves that, it’s me. I screwed everything up between us. He’s the reason I’m home. If you’re cool with me going after one of your friends?”
“Do whatever makes you happy.”
“Do you really mean that? Because Blair makes me happy. I don’t even know if he’s single or if he’d want me back, but I want to go for it.”
“Well, I can help with half of that equation. He’s definitely single, the rest is up to you.”