1975
Grunt was sitting in his motel room with Kit. He had just told her the story about his life before the motel and the night that Blue came for him—and killed Karen and Nate. Of course, he left out that it was actually Grizz who’d come for him. Grizz had told him never to breathe a word about that.
“Wow, I can honestly say that Delia and Vince did a great job of ignoring me, but they never laid a hand on me.” Kit’s eyes were filled with sympathy.
“I’ll tell you one thing. Nobody will ever lay a hand on me again. That’s for damn sure,” Grunt‘s tone had a touch of bitterness. “Blue and Grizz made sure I knew how to defend myself.”
“Yeah, I guess. It’s hard for me to understand this lifestyle, though. Grizz hasn’t hurt or touched me, but now that you told me how he dealt with Johnny Tillman, I don’t know what to think.” She shivered. “And Blue? He may have been defending you, but he murdered two people in cold blood. You just seem so, so—” She paused as she tried to come up with the right word. “You seem so normal compared to all that.”
Grunt laughed at this. God, he loved her. She was sipping on the drink he’d offered her, skimming through his dictionary. She yawned. She looked like she was having a hard time concentrating on the pages.
He thought back to earlier that day when Grizz had called him into number four. Kit had been jogging around the paved area in front of the motel. It was an almost perfect oval track that surrounded the playground area and swimming pool. The pavement was old and pitted, but she still ran around it daily. It was really the only exercise she got and she seemed to like it.
“Did you figure anything out about me not hurting her?” Grizz had asked.
Grunt knew immediately what he was talking about. After Kit had been at the motel for a short time, Grizz had come to Grunt, wondering if there was anything Grunt knew medically about not hurting a woman when taking her virginity. At the time, he’d been relieved to know Grizz hadn’t been forcing himself on her. Somehow, he hadn’t thought Grizz would; he had women throwing themselves at him all the time. Still, it was good to have confirmation. And he knew why Grizz was coming to him, just a kid, now. Grunt was the one who’d nursed Moe back to health after Grizz cut out her tongue. He had been stitching up the gang members since he was ten. If anyone would know something about this, it would probably be Grunt. Even if Grunt had zero personal experience with this sort of thing.
“I’ve been thinking about it since you first asked me, when you told me you thought you might’ve even hurt some experienced women because of your, uh, size.” Grunt shrugged. “The only thing I can suggest is that you use something smaller than yourself her first time.”
“Like what? My fingers?”
Grunt had to be cautious here. He didn’t want Kit to lose her virginity to Grizz. He’d made an instant decision that he, Grunt, was going to be her first, but he had to handle this carefully. He was grateful Grizz had sought his advice; it would allow him to maneuver the whole thing to his advantage.
“I guess you could use your fingers, but it doesn’t matter what you use. She’ll hate you no matter what.”
The statement caused Grizz’s head to snap around. “What the fuck do you mean, she’ll hate me no matter what?”
“Look at what you’ve done. You had Monster take her away from her home. You even told her you killed a guy.”
“That fuck was going to rape her! And she wasn’t in a happy home. Her parents were drunks who didn’t give a shit about her. You know that.”
“But it was still the only home she ever knew, and you took her away from it. I just don’t see how you’re not going to hurt her physically or emotionally. Not only that,” Grunt added. “If you’re as big as you say you are, I just don’t see her getting over it easily.”
Grizz didn’t say anything for a minute. He just stared at Grunt with those intense green eyes. It was time for Grunt to make his move. Would Grizz bite?
“I could do it.” Then he quickly added, “Without her getting hurt.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? You’re not sticking your dick in Kit. No man will ever be inside of her except for me.” Grizz started walking toward him. Grunt forced himself not to back away. If he did, he knew he would look guilty.
“You don’t understand. I don’t mean me. I can do it with a small object. Fuck, man. Let her hate me instead of you. I can handle it. I don’t want her to hate me, but she doesn’t even have to know. I can give her something to make her drowsy. Make her sleep through it and she’ll never know. Then the first time you’re with her, it won’t hurt like it would if she was still a virgin.”
Grizz paused, turning the idea over in his head.
“I don’t want to hurt her,” he told Grunt.
“Like I said, I can take care of it while she sleeps.”
Grizz didn’t say anything. Grunt was afraid he’d lost him. “I guess you forgot I delivered Chili’s baby when I was thirteen,” he added.
Grizz looked at him closely, nodding. “Yeah, I did forget that.”
“I did it all. Got the baby to breathe, cut the cord, took care of the afterbirth. I even stitched Chili up. Not bragging or anything, but I could go to medical school. I’m actually even thinking of changing my major.” He continued to look straight at Grizz, careful not to look away.
“How exactly would you do it?” Grizz cocked his head.
“I have this small billy club. It’s an old police baton. Even my dick is bigger than it is, so I know it’s gotta be way smaller than you.” Before Grizz could reply, he quickly added, “It’s probably not much bigger than a speculum.”
“A what?”
“A speculum. You know, that thing they use when they give a woman an internal exam. It’s supposed to open them up to make it a little easier for the doctor to examine them.”
“Yeah, whatever.” Grizz shook his head. Too much information. He didn’t say anything for a minute and Grunt realized he’d have to change tactics.
“I could give the baton to you to do it. You know, if that’s how you want to remember your first time with her. Or you could do it yourself, but if your dick’s so big, she’ll probably wake up sore and know you raped her.”
“What? What the fuck do you mean she’ll know I raped her? I’d never rape her. I’d never force myself on her! When she’s ready, she’ll come to me, and I want to make sure I don’t hurt her.” Grizz was yelling now, the vein in his forehead starting to throb.
“Look, you asked me if there was any way I knew about medically taking a woman’s virginity without hurting her.” Grunt held up his hands. “No. None that I know of. So all I’m suggesting is that you let me do it, or you do it yourself, while she sleeps. She wouldn’t have a single memory of it. And your first time with her won’t be so bad after that. She’ll never have to know.”
Grizz just clenched his teeth and stared at Grunt.
Grunt continued, “I mean, you’ve been with women, lots of ‘em, so you’ll know how far you can go in without hurting her or damaging her, right?” He wouldn’t break Grizz’s gaze.
Of course, Grunt knew the proper medical terms. He’d been curious after he delivered that baby, but he sure as heck didn’t know what he was talking about now. He just hoped Grizz didn’t either. Grizz still wasn’t saying anything. Grunt had to think fast.
“I see three options. One, you wait until she’s ready and comes to you. Even if she’s ready, you’ll hurt her. No way around it. It’s a given. You will definitely inflict pain on her, and I don’t know if that kind of memory is something that sticks with a woman. Probably. She’s only fifteen and very innocent. Even if it’s consensual, I doubt she’ll forget it. But that’s option one.”
Grunt held up a second finger. “Two, you do it yourself when she’s asleep, whether it’s your dick or the baton. But you have to live with that. Of course, you do a lot of things you have to live with, and they don’t bother you. Why would hurting Kit be any different?” He knew he was hitting below the belt, but he continued. “But, if you do it with your supersize dick, she’ll wake up knowing something happened.”
Grunt shrugged, held up a third finger. “And three. You let me drug her and do it with the small club, and she’ll never know. She’ll wake up tired and not know a fucking thing. That I can promise. It’ll be no different than a woman who goes for a gynecological exam. You would let a doctor examine her, right? As a matter of fact, a real exam would hurt more because she’d be awake. And you know, if you are going to be sexually active with her, you really need to start taking her for regular doctor visits.”
Grunt threw that last comment in for good measure. If he sounded professional, maybe Grizz wouldn’t see it as personal.
Neither said anything for a few seconds. Grunt acted casual. Disinterested, as if he was offering a matter-of-fact solution to a problem. He hoped his stomach didn’t give him away. It was twisting and he could feel small spasms as his nerves started getting the better of him.
Grunt realized Grizz was actually, really considering it. Grizz was no dummy. As a matter of fact, he was the opposite, and if Grunt was going to be honest, he’d never given Grizz any reason to doubt him or mistrust him before now. Add to that the fact that Grizz had cared about Kit’s well-being since she was a child. Grunt was counting on the fact that Grizz wouldn’t be thinking straight when it came to her. He was counting on the fact that Grizz wasn’t considering the future. How it would make him feel later to know that another man took Kit’s virginity. Grizz was only concerned with the here and now, and Grunt took advantage of that one vulnerability: Without a doubt, Grizz would never, ever do anything to hurt Kit.
Grunt shrugged his shoulders and started to walk away. But to his great surprise and relief, he heard Grizz mutter, “Tonight, Grunt. Do it tonight. But make damn sure she’s asleep and doesn’t remember a thing.”
That night, Kit rose from the bed and stood to leave. It was now time for the performance of his life, and he would have two things to his advantage. One, he was certain that when he pulled out that billy club he would make Grizz look like a rat bastard in Kit’s eyes. Second, he knew she would never submit to the club. No, she would ask him to do it. He didn’t know how he knew that, but he did. And he was right.
He was on top of her now and he gently spread her legs with his knee. They made eye contact then, and she asked, “Can you call me by my name, just once? Can you call me Ginny?”
“I’ll try not to hurt you,” and then after a pause he softly whispered, “Ginny.”
“Please. Please tell me your name. I’ll never tell. I swear!”
“I can’t do that. You know that. You shouldn’t have even told me your name.” But, of course, he’d already known her name. He knew her first as Gwinny, and watched with Grizz, as she grew into Ginny.
She was starting to pass out now. Slowly, he slid himself inside of her just as her eyes were closing. They popped open when he entered her fully. He couldn’t tell if he’d hurt her. She was starting to go under again and quickly opened her eyes in an attempt to stay awake. But to no avail. As they were closing for the last time and he was sure she was losing consciousness he whispered, “Tommy. My name is Tommy.”
Had she heard him? Had she seen the tears in his eyes? If she had seen his tears, she probably would’ve thought it was because he was doing something against his will. She had no way of knowing his tears were from something else entirely. They were tears of joy and mourning. Joy at being her first, even in these circumstances. Mourning because he knew deep down that he would have to take a backseat after tonight and watch the woman he loved give herself to another man. It wouldn’t be forever, but it would seem like it.
After she passed out, he stayed inside her while he buried his face in her neck. He wouldn’t allow himself to have an orgasm. Not without her. He would just stay there and take in her smell while he waited. It seemed like an eternity before he could safely remove himself without exploding inside her. He got a warm washcloth from the bathroom and gently cleaned her.
He did it before he could stop himself. He did it before he even registered it as a thought or a decision to be made. He had to know. He hadn’t realized it, but he was slowly lowering his face to the place he’d just wiped. He wouldn’t allow his mouth to touch her, but he inhaled the scent of her and instantly got hard again. Fuck. Now what? He wasn’t a pervert. He would never take a woman without her consent.
He hung his head in shame as he realized that this was exactly what he’d just done. But surely this was different, wasn’t it? This was Ginny, and he loved Ginny.
He wanted to go further. He wanted to taste her. He was certain this was something she had never experienced before, and he also knew that it was something Grizz would introduce to her.
But with the greatest willpower he’d ever know, he stopped himself from doing anything. And very, very carefully he put her underwear back on her, pulling the sheet up.
I’ll always be her first, he thought to himself. That was his only comfort and it would have to be enough.