1985
“I can’t, Grizz! I can’t do it without you. I don’t want to!”
Kit had been visiting him in the county jail. She was about six months pregnant with Mimi and the counter behind the glass partition dividing them jutted uncomfortably against her ripe belly.
“Kitten, you can’t do what?” he’d asked her through the glass partition, his face a mask of concern. “What can’t you do without me?”
Damn, he wanted to touch her skin. Just one gentle caress of her cheek. He wanted to wipe away her tears.
“Anything, Grizz.” She was sobbing heavily now. “I don’t want to do anything without you. I don’t want to have our baby without you. I don’t want to fall asleep at night without you.” She stopped herself and took a deep breath. “I don’t feel safe without you, Grizz. I’m not used to you not being there.”
“You have Grunt, Kit. Grunt will be there for you. He would protect you with his life. You know that, don’t you?”
“I don’t care!” Her eyes flashed. “He’s not you, Grizz! Yes, he is wonderful, and I know his feelings are hurt because I’ve refused to move out of our home or let him live there with me. I’m just not ready to leave it, to be with him.” She shook her head, tried to make him understand. “There is too much of ‘us’ in that home, Grizz, and I just can’t leave it. Not yet. You may have moved on from me already, but I cannot imagine a day when I will be over you.”
“Oh fuck, honey. Is that what you think? That I’ve moved on from you?” He never once thought that she would see his insistence that she marry Grunt as rejection. He thought he was protecting her and he assumed she knew that. He’d never been good about expressing his feelings. Even with Kit. Not to mention he’d never been used to telling anyone his reasons for doing the things he did.
“What am I supposed to think?” She’d started to hiccup.
“Kit, is that the life you want? Packing up our baby and bringing it to visit its father in jail every weekend? Is that the life you want for you and our child?”
“If I knew you were going to get out of this place, yes! But you don’t even seem like you want to. You seem so resolved that you’re going to trial, that a jury will convict you, and I don’t know who this Cary Lewis is that Matthew recommended, but I’m sorry I ever suggested Matthew.” Her voice started rising again, and she willed herself to tamp down her emotions, to breathe.
Grizz leaned back in his chair and sighed. He felt bad that she thought he was still here because of her suggestion to use Matthew Rockman. And that Rockman had somehow failed them by suggesting Cary Lewis. He’d played dumb that day when he was arrested. He knew that she would suggest her old friend Matthew and he’d gone along with it to appease her. He’d never had any intention of letting Rockman represent him and had put a plan in place long before, in the event that it ever came to this.
He signaled for a guard and when the guard walked over, Grizz whispered something in his ear. The guard nodded.
She was blowing her nose when the guard let himself out of the holding area and approached her.
“Please come with me, miss,” the guard said quietly but firmly.
She looked at Grizz and he nodded at her. This? This was it? This was his way of saying goodbye? She couldn’t believe it. Emotions swirled as she allowed the guard to gently take her by the elbow, leading her out of the room.
She looked back at Grizz and couldn’t read his expression. She started sobbing uncontrollably then and didn’t even notice that she was brought into a room with no windows. A small table with two chairs was in it. The guard guided her to one of the chairs and left the room. He quickly returned with a box of tissues. She was blowing her nose when she heard him say on his way out, “Five minutes. Five minutes or I lose my job.”
She bolted upright. And saw Grizz coming into the room.
Suddenly she jumped up and threw herself into his arms. He held her tightly and walked her to the chair. He sat down and pulled her down onto his lap. Then, placing his hand on her stomach, he looked into her eyes.
“Kitten, listen to me.”
She started crying again and wrapped her arms around his neck like a child. He let her sit there like that as he breathed in her scent. Mentally kicking his own ass for letting it go this far. For not making a deal with them sooner.
But even if he’d made a deal, there would’ve been no guarantees. There still weren’t, but he was convinced he was doing what was best for her. For their child. When she seemed to calm down, he gently removed her arms from around his neck and pulled back so he could look straight at her.
He’d been beaten as a child. He’d been shot and stabbed. He’d had bones broken. He’d even been tortured. Nothing. Absolutely nothing compared to the pain he felt as he gazed into her chocolate eyes. He felt as if his heart had been ripped from his chest.
“Kitten, I don’t need to tell you the things I’ve done.” She started to interrupt him, but he held up a hand. “No, listen to me, Kit. I am getting what I deserve. Do you understand me? You don’t deserve it. You need to have the life you would’ve had, could’ve had, if I didn’t kidnap you. I was selfish. I took what I wanted.”
“What life would I have had?” She sniffled. “Being Delia and Vince’s housemaid?”
“Stop acting naïve. We both know you’re not. You’re smart. You would’ve gone to college on a scholarship and moved as far away as possible from them. Don’t act like I saved you.”
“But you did,” she whispered. “I was meant to be with you.”
He didn’t say anything and something in her expression changed. Her eyes narrowed, like she finally understood. She awkwardly got off his lap and stood in front of him. She rested her hands on her pregnant stomach. With swollen eyes and a red nose, she added, “And we both know how smart you are too, Grizz.”
He looked away from her.
“You’re too smart to get caught like this.” She took a ragged breath. “What is it you aren’t telling me? Oh, wait, your name? Yeah, that was the big secret forever.” Her voice dripped with sarcasm. “That cat’s been let out of the bag. I think I’ve earned your trust by now, don’t you? Don’t I deserve some truth about anything?”
He stood then, grabbed her and pulled her to him, and she let him. She wrapped her arms tightly around his waist. With a shuddering breath, he took her face in his hands and looked deep into her eyes.
“The only truth you ever need to know is that my love for you is real and will never go away. And everything I’ve done, no matter how it looks, is so you could be protected. I never wanted to be without you, but it’s not my choice now.”
Before she could respond, the door flew open and the guard reappeared. “Time’s up. Gotta go now.”
“Wait.” She grabbed both of his wrists and held his hands to her face.
“Kitten.” He gave her a serious look. “If you ever need anything. If you are ever in trouble. If you are ever scared—you know that Grunt will be there.”
She started to cry again. “But what if he’s not, Grizz? I married him, but what if I can never accept him? What if it’s just me and the baby? I’m so confused, I just don’t know what—”
“Kit, my bike,” Grizz whispered into her ear. “My favorite bike in our garage. I keep my blue bandana on it. You know the one, right?”
She nodded.
“If you ever need anything. I mean fucking anything, and Grunt can’t be there for you, you put your hair up in one of those high ponytails you like to wear and you wrap my bandana around it. You hear me? You wear my bandana, and it might take a day or two, but you’ll get whatever help you need. You understand me?”
She looked at him quizzically, tried to fathom how a blue bandana in the garage was going to help her if she ever needed him.
Before the guard escorted him out, Grizz called out, “Kitten, have you picked out any names yet? Do you know what you want to name the baby?”
“Jason if it’s a boy. Miriam if it’s a girl.”
He raised a questioning eyebrow.
“It was Moe’s name.”
His expression softened and he gave a quick nod. “Ruth. What about Miriam Ruth?”
“You like the name Ruth? Is it from someone you know?” Her voice sounded hopeful, like she was desperate for one more nugget of truth from his past.
But he merely smiled. “No. I just like it. Better than Miriam Guinevere.”
Kit mulled the name and decided she liked it too. “Ruth is biblical. Miriam is, too, but Ruth was an amazing woman. Amazing enough to have her own book in the Bible. If it’s a girl, we’ll name her Miriam Ruth,” she promised.
He kissed her gently on the lips and was gone.
**********
Now, in the garage, she cried and cried as she held the bandana, remembering the way it had looked on him. She’d never had to wear the blue bandana over the years, but she remembered lying in bed late at night and finding comfort in knowing it was out there on his bike. Out there, just in case she ever needed it.
In the jail house visits that followed, her questions to him still went unanswered. And eventually, she mused, she did make the slow transition into a life with Tommy. A life she now cherished. As the old saying goes, life goes on. Time heals.
At least up until yesterday.
She cried harder now into the bandana. And when it couldn’t hold any more tears, she clutched it to her chest, laid down on the cold cement, and fell asleep.