FIFTEEN

 

 

“I didn’t know that about Will Sanford,” Sheila was speaking in a deliberate whisper that was so quiet that no one further away than about fifty feet or so could possibly hear. Good thing that the choir practice was still going strong downstairs, and Judah only heard the words because he was coming up the stairs at the time.

“Now, Sheila,” one of the other church mothers, a woman who Judah should remember but didn’t, spoke up next. “You know that no one cares about the man being, you know, into other men.” Which might be the case, but she certainly still said it like it was a scandalous thing. How odd was that, for that to be the only reaction? Judah certainly wasn’t used to that being the case.

“You know I don’t give a darn about that,” Sheila protested, as Judah, knowing that he should announce himself, knowing that he was eavesdropping and that wasn’t really okay, nevertheless froze in place and held his breath so that he could hear better. They were talking about Will, after all. He found himself powerless to resist.

“Well then, why are you gossiping like this?” the other woman asked, though it had to be said that she sounded delighted that she was. No one, in Judah’s experience, was completely immune to the lure of having news to share. Women got teased for it a lot, but to Judah’s way of thinking, men were hardly innocent of doing the same thing.

And who was worse, the two women speaking to each other quietly, or him, who was listening in without their knowledge?

“I’m not surprised that he’s interested in men,” Sheila protested, keeping her voice pitched much lower than she usually did. “I sort of suspected it. He’s never shown even a lick of interest in a woman. But I was surprised to hear that he’s taken up with someone.”

Judah’s face flushed, and his stomach clenched in a way that was both delicious and horrifying to him. They knew. These two women, despite all of the efforts that Judah and Will had taken to keep their relationship secret, they had figured it out somehow.

“That’s just a rumor,” the conversation continued, and even though Judah couldn’t see it, he could almost visualize in his mind’s eye how a superior, nearly pitying smile would come onto Sheila’s face as he heard her speak again.

“It isn’t. My Gary saw them just two nights ago. Our own Will Sanford, out at a coffee shop with a man, bold as brass. It’s a damn shame.”

Wait. What? Judah put a hand on the cool concrete wall because otherwise, his knees might have gone out and he might just have pitched right down the staircase. He hadn’t been in any coffee shop with Will. Not two nights ago, certainly. Will had been distant, not particularly interested in spending time with Judah lately.

So what was going on here? Judah had been focused on how embarrassed he would be if this came out, and there had been the slight thrill of titillation through his whole body, a sort of intriguing thought process about what might happen if people had seen him and Will together. Was it possible that he might actually just be allowed to be who he was? That he and Will could, by some miracle, be open about being together?

But then, of course, there was that horrible, insidious question, which reared its head now, which he had always just shoved down before. Were he and Will together? He had thought maybe that they were, or could be, but what was he hearing now?

He must be misunderstanding. He had to be because the alternative was too hard to bear. And then Sheila and her friend just kept right on speaking, and it was worse and worse with every word that met his ears, hammering into his brain until he couldn’t hear anything else.

“Who was it?” the friend asked, and Sheila gave a pause, no doubt meant to be dramatic, in which Judah had to have a very quick, solemn talk with himself. He couldn’t, no matter how much he might be tempted, just race up the rest of the stairs, burst upon the startled women, and demand of Sheila the same question that her friend had just asked.

Really. He couldn’t. It would be a terrible idea.

“I don’t know,” Sheila finally admitted. “But my Gary said that they were awfully familiar with each other if you get my drift. Talking all close and intense, you know? I just think it’s a darn shame.”

“Why?” the other woman asked.

“Because. I always thought that our Will was carrying a bit of a torch for …”

Whatever she said next, whoever Sheila was going to say, Judah didn’t want to know about it anymore. He couldn’t handle this. The sheer range of emotions that he had gone through in about a minute and a half was just far too much for anyone to take.

“Excuse me, ladies,” Judah spoke deliberately and loudly as he walked up the rest of the stairs. They stopped chatting, just as he had known that they would, and he did his best to give them both an innocent smile like he hadn’t heard a word of what they were talking about.

“Pastor Judah,” Sheila finally said, and Judah nodded. Yes. Pastor Judah and that was crucial for him to understand. He couldn’t go around acting like an idiot about a man who may or may not have a thing for not one, but potentially two, other men.

His job, his calling, it came with responsibilities, and part of that was not to make a complete idiot of himself. So he kept his smile bland and professional, something that he had a lot of practice with. It wasn’t like he hadn’t been keeping a pretty intense secret already, not like he hadn’t done so for years.

He didn’t think that either of them suspected anything. Either way, they certainly couldn’t prove it. That was all that really mattered, that he wasn’t going to spur on the rumor mill too much with his odd behavior.

Though he had wanted to grab Sheila by her shoulders and shake her until she told him everything that she knew. And then call Will and demand answers from him. What did Judah mean to him, if anything?

Alone in his office, he stared around at the familiar furnishings, though his eyes honestly barely saw any of them. This was his fault, all his fault, and he wasn’t going to try to claim otherwise.

He was the idiot who had let himself fall for Will, though he’d had no sign at all that it was returned, though he knew that there were far too many barriers between them. And he was the idiot who was going to have to deal with the broken heart now, all by himself.