Chapter 17
Ian
Stacy and Carrie told me all the time that I was being overly paranoid and self conscious, always criticizing me for hiding so much of myself. But they didn’t know, they weren’t there the day everything went down with Maggie. I’d never told anyone what she had said to me, the ways she had truly broken me. Always too ashamed to admit the truth, I just avoided giving any details about the day that almost destroyed my entire future.
I thought finally telling someone the whole truth would be terrifying and difficult, but the warmth in her eyes and feeling her soft hand against my cheek made all my worries and fears dissipate. I’d never wanted or needed someone to understand so badly.
“I started off as a programmer, made an app that ended up taking off. I hadn’t really done it thinking it would go anywhere, but people liked it, and before I knew it the money was rolling in. I didn’t really know what to do with it, I was only twenty at the time and Carrie was still in high school. I was her legal guardian and our lives up to that point had been...different. I didn’t really have anyone to advise me on what to do with my money, so I invested it in a business. Hired a few of my buddies, had a small space at first. Basically we would sit around all day playing. Video games, internet games, board games. There wasn’t any kind of recreational activity that we didn’t take part in. It was like a dream, getting to play for a living.”
I cautiously reached out to her, slipping my hand around hers, waiting for her to pull away, but she didn’t. Instead she gripped me tightly and intertwined her fingers through mine. I led her over to a bench that was sitting up against the wall to the far left. When we sat down I started to pull my hand away, but she gripped it tighter, and in that moment I’d never felt more comfortable in my entire life. My pull to Adalyn was stronger than my instinct to protect myself, and so I took the plunge, and finally told the story in it’s entirety.
“We wanted to make more, more than just apps. We had a couple little ones that were somewhat successful following my first one, but we had started to get bored with just working on those. It surprised me how much I enjoyed coming up with ways for people to enjoy themselves, have fun with something I made. So we just keep going. Our apps brought in enough to fund our projects and pay the bills, and we lived pretty modestly anyway. It seemed like we just kept expanding and creating and somehow it was like the company grew overnight. Next thing we knew, we were working hand in hand with these large companies, helping their creative teams come up with ideas for new products.”
“Okay,” she started, “why is that such a big secret? Why is all of this such a big secret?” She gestured around the room. “Getting to ‘play’ for a living sounds pretty awesome. I feel like I’m still missing a piece of the puzzle?”
I didn’t sense any underlying insults lurking in her words, or any sound of judgment. That was enough to encourage me to keep going. Taking a deep breath and finally relaxing my shoulders, I went for broke.
“It is pretty awesome, at least I thought so at first. Maybe you can’t tell by looking at me now, but I was pretty nerdy in school. And I mean, your typical cliché nerd. Thick glasses, spent weekends playing D&D with my friends instead of going to parties, didn’t even have my first kiss until I was 19. So when the people around me got wind of my growing success, my life really changed. All of a sudden I had more friends than I had time for, and there were girls throwing themselves at me. Honestly, I hated it. I knew they were only making the effort because of my success, but it was still nice not feeling so lonely all the time. I was too uncomfortable to give the women any attention, I couldn’t even look girls in the eye, let alone spend any amount of time with one. Then one day Maggie came along, and that’s when my life really changed.”
“I see. So this is all about a girl.” It disappeared as fast as it came, but I didn’t miss that look of disappointment on her face. Was she disappointed because she was judging me for letting a girl affect me so much, or was it possible it was more out of jealousy? As much as I hoped it was the latter, I couldn’t get ahead of myself. Before I lost my nerve, I turned to face her, ready to bare my soul to someone who was virtually a stranger to me still.
“Yes, it’s about a girl. I’d love to be able to stand in front of you now and pretend that who I am is who I’ve always been, but truthfully, it’s not even who I really am now. This confident, polished man in front of you is just an act. I learned quickly that people don’t really care about who you really are. If you let people get too close to you, they will use your weaknesses against you. After Maggie, I never let anyone else in. Anyone other than those who already knew me, anyway. I learned how to play the part, be who I needed to be to maintain a safe distance from everyone around me.”
“I guess I don’t understand. Why is who you are so bad? What did Maggie do? I don’t get why you have to hide all this in order to be whatever you think everyone wants you to be.”
Immediately I wanted to close up, but I couldn’t stop now. The look on her face was confusion, but the tone in her voice was soft. She was genuinely interested in finding out about me, and it was refreshing. Invigorating. Opening up was easier than I had thought it would be.
“Maggie and I started dating towards the very beginning. As the business grew, so did the expectations of everyone around me to ‘act the part’ of being a successful business owner. Suddenly, this shy, nerdy guy I’d always been wasn’t good enough. Maggie would tell me over and over that I needed to ‘grow up’ and ‘ditch the t-shirts’ and ‘start acting like a man and quit fooling around with toys.’ I should have stood up for myself, argued with her. Who I was is what had made the company successful to begin with. But I thought I loved her, and I wanted to make her happy. So I let her change everything about me, mold me into who she wanted me to be. I was her puppet, and I completely lost myself during my relationship with her.”
“So what happened? Where is Maggie now?”
“After 3 years of putting up with her, the demands, the insults….” My sentence trailed off. Here came the humiliating part. “I took her to a big charity event. There were going to be all sorts of famous people there and she was so excited. She actually managed to go an entire week without insulting me. I thought maybe things were getting better, that she was changing, finally noticing everything I had sacrificed for her. Anyway, I was mingling, chatting with some potential investors and she said she was going to get a drink. An hour later, she still hadn’t returned so I went looking for her. I searched for almost thirty minutes, and when I couldn’t find her, I went back to our limo to ask the driver if he had seen her, thinking maybe she had been ill and asked to go home. I don’t know how, but I could just tell by the look on his face that I didn’t want the answer to that question.”
Adalyn inched even closer to me, removing her hand and instead twisting her arm around mine, then she leaned her head on my shoulder. Her smell, the feel of her, it was enough to instantly calm me and gave me the strength to keep going.
“The driver motioned with his head to the back of the limo. It was then that I noticed the motion, the limo was rocking slightly. So I opened the door and was faced with Maggie sitting on....some guys lap, completely naked, riding him with her head thrown back, screaming in pleasure. She didn’t notice me at first, but the worst part was, when she finally did notice me, she didn’t even look guilty. She didn’t panic and start apologizing or trying to explain. She yelled at me. She called me a loser and started to call me more names but didn’t finish because her orgasm broke through. I stood there, saying nothing, watching my girlfriend of four years having an orgasm on top of another guy inside of my limo. It was like I was frozen. I wanted to yell at her, pull that guy out and punch him, run away, anything. Instead, I stood there, and after the guy shot his load into her, she turned to me with a smirk on her face. Like she was pleased with herself.”
“I’m so sorry, Ian. That’s horrible. She seriously sounds like a bitch, and I can’t even imagine what that was like. But you should know…” She wrapped her arms around my neck and took a deep breath, looking me directly in the eye. “Who you really are sounds pretty amazing to me.” Slowly and gently she leaned up and put her lips on mine, and it was in that moment that I realized that as ridiculous as it sounded, I was already falling for this girl.
Before I could kiss her back, she pulled away and took off running, laughing as she looked back at me with a dare in her eyes.
“Where are you going?” I called out to her.
“To play!” She yelled back, smiling flirtatiously. “What do you say? Wanna have some fun with me?”
Shit. I wasn’t falling for her. I already had.