Chapter 24
Adalyn
It had been damn near impossible to remove myself from Ian’s embrace when I woke up, but as right as it felt being in his arms, I had to get out of there. I didn’t let men comfort me. I didn’t lay in their arms or fall asleep on their chest. I didn’t let myself be in any kind of vulnerable position around a man, regardless of whether or not I wholly trusted that man.
And I did. Trust Ian, that is. As much as I told myself that I shouldn’t, as much as I tried to convince myself that I was only kidding myself, I couldn’t help it. Ian had done the impossible. He had made his way into my heart.
It didn’t matter though. This wasn’t about what I wanted or what I felt. Ian deserved better. He deserved someone who could care for him in a way I couldn’t. He deserved someone to give all of them self to him, to be completely honest and a whole other slew of things I couldn’t do.
As I opened the door to Stacy’s apartment, doing what felt a hell of a lot like the walk of shame at three in the morning, I didn’t expect to see Stacy sitting on the couch staring at me like she was about to kill me.
“What the hell, Stace? Why are you awake? And why are you looking at me like I killed your cat?”
“First of all, I hate cats, so if I had one you’d have my blessing to kill it. They are evil. Second of all, we need to talk.”
“Uhh…okayyyy? Can it wait until later? I’m exhausted and I really just want to go lay down.”
“No, it can’t wait until later. It’s going to happen right now. And don’t bother arguing with me, it’s a waste of time. There’s coffee in the kitchen, so you can stall long enough to make yourself a cup, but then you’re sitting your ass down right here on this couch and talking to me.”
Dammit. I already knew what this was about. I’d completely withdrawn since that night with Ian. I’d been avoiding her and everyone else, and when I did happen to cross paths with her, I avoided her like the plague. Stacy could read me better than anyone else and she would figure out quickly what was wrong and I wasn’t ready to talk about it.
“Hurry up, Addy! It doesn’t take that damn long to make a cup of coffee.”
I groaned and made my way back into the living room. “Have you been to bed, Stacy? Why are you up?”
“No, I haven’t been to bed. I’ve been patiently waiting for you to come home so I could force you to talk to me. You’ve been avoiding me, don’t think I didn’t notice. You can’t keep things from me, Addy. I gave you some space, hoping futilely that you would come to me, but I should have known better. So enough’s enough. Talk.”
“I don’t want to talk Stacy. I’m begging you not to make me. I promise I’ll get over this and I’ll go back to normal, just give me more time.”
“Alright, that’s it,” she said as she tossed her arms up into the air. “You’ve obviously lost your damn mind.” She scooted closer on the couch and I tried to move away but I was already up against the arm and couldn’t move any further. “Quit pulling away, I’m hugging you. You’re going to sit there and you’re going to let me.” She pulled me into a big bear hug and squeezed me so tight I thought I might suffocate. I held onto my anger and annoyance as long as I could, and then I gave up. I sobbed uncontrollably, full on ugly crying, while I told Stacy everything. Every detail of every moment since I’d met Ian.
“Finally,” she said as she finally removed her tight hold on me. “Do you know how hard it’s been for me to not bug the shit out of you the last two months? I knew something was going on with Ian. I didn’t know what, but I thought he was getting through to you so I didn’t push it. I didn’t want to make waves when progress was being made. I’m glad to know I was right for once.”
“What do you mean?”
“He did make progress. More than anyone else has ever made. More than your therapists, counselors, me or your parents. He did it, Addy.”
“Did what? What are you talking about?”
“He made you feel.”
“The only thing he’s made me feel is embarrassed and ashamed. I humiliated myself that night I threw myself at him, and I’m ashamed for all the pain I’ve been causing him. I know he’s confused and hurt from my shutting him out, but it’s how it has to be. He just has to accept that nothing will happen between us.”
“Bullshit.”
“Excuse me?”
“I said, bull. shit,” she enunciated each word slowly as she narrowed her eyes at me. “You feel a hell of a whole lot more than shame and embarrassment. You care about him Addy, you’re just trying to convince yourself you don’t. And you’re not doing a very good job either, because it’s very obvious how you feel.” I fought back the tears threatening, shaking my head and trying to find a way to argue with what she was saying.
I couldn’t though. She was right. I did care about Ian. I cared about him so much that it was terrifying. More terrifying than anything I had ever experienced in life, and that’s what made it so much worse. That’s what solidified for me that I couldn’t do anything about it, couldn’t act on my feelings. I wasn’t selfish enough to do that to Ian.
“I do care, Stacy. I’m done trying to convince myself that I don’t. But I’m scared. Not just scared, terrified. Not just of getting hurt, but of hurting him. He is just amazing, Stacy. So much more than I deserve.” She started to argue and I held my finger up to her mouth to stop her. “I’m not saying I don’t deserve happiness or love or whatever…but I don’t deserve him. It’s not me feeling sorry for myself, it’s just the truth. Maybe if I wasn’t still such a mess, I don’t know, maybe I could be what he deserves. But I can’t, Stacy. I’m just being realistic. He thinks he cares about me but he doesn’t know me, not really.”
“Then tell him. Let him know you, Addy. You do deserve him. You deserve love and happiness as much as anyone else and Ian is a good guy. It’s obvious he cares about you too.”
“That’s exactly why I can’t tell him. He does care and he isn’t just a good guy, he’s great. There’s a good chance that once he knows everything, he would feel too guilty to let me go out of obligation to help me or a feeble attempt to try and fix me. I don’t want pity in a relationship. I don’t want to be a project. I can’t be in any kind of real relationship until I’m whole again so that I can fully give myself to someone.”
“That’s just your bullshit therapy crap talking. You’re not broken, Addy. You’re not a mess. You don’t need fixed. Everyone has pain, okay? Everyone has things in life that they need to overcome, pasts and secrets and pain that we carry around. Yeah, yours is shittier than most, but that doesn’t make you any less deserving than anyone else. A relationship means having someone to help carry your burdens, ease your pain. Needing someone doesn’t make you weak, Adalyn.”
Her words were too painful to hear. I knew they were true, I knew what she was saying made sense, but it just didn’t apply to me. It couldn’t. I had accepted a long time ago that things just weren’t normal for me.
“Stop it, Adalyn,” Stacy barked, pointing her finger in my face. “I know what you’re thinking. Quit thinking that the normal rules don’t apply to you. That because you’ve suffered something tragic that that somehow makes you different from the rest of the world. It does make you different from a lot of people. It makes you stronger, braver. You aren’t going to hurt Ian by letting him in. You’re hurting him now by keeping him out. Don’t push him away Adalyn. Just take a chance. Not all risks are a mistake.”
She was right. I hated when she was right. “Thank you, Stacy,” I said as I hugged her. She tensed for a second, probably from the shock of me hugging her willingly, then she squeezed back. “I love you, you know that, right? You’re a pain in my ass and kind of a bully, but I don’t know what I’d do without you.” I pulled back so I could look her in the eye. “You’re pretty awesome, you know that right?”
She smacked my arm and got up, moving towards her room. “Of course, I know that, twat. Now I’m going to go into my room and go into a coma for a while. Don’t bother me unless it’s to tell me that you finally nailed Ian.”
Laughing to myself I made my way into my own bedroom. It was decided. I would get some sleep, then I’d go find Ian. As difficult as it was to admit, Stacy was right. Ian was worth the risk. The problem was I didn’t fear regretting taking a risk on him…I feared he would end up regretting taking the risk on me.
After sleeping for thirty-six hours straight - seriously - I headed to work. I’d taken extra time getting ready this morning. Way more than normal. I was nervous about seeing Ian. I was going to lay it all out on the line today. I’d told my story. I’d told it more times than I could count. But I’d never told it to someone that I was afraid of losing. Someone whose opinion mattered.
I had to talk myself out of changing my mind a hundred times before I got to the office. By the time the elevators opened I could barely breathe. I was seriously afraid I might faint if I didn’t manage to slow my heart rate and catch my breath.
I walked over to the kitchen to get a glass of water. My throat was suddenly very dry and if I tried to speak right now I’d probably just choke. As I stood there sipping my ice water, a calm started to settle in. Despite my fear of rejection and of hurting Ian, I knew he cared about me. If anyone would understand and still care about me after knowing the truth, it would be him.
Excitement started to take over, washing away all my hesitation, and I started to make my way towards Ian’s office. Only, before I could take more than two steps a vision of a tiny, little pest stepped into my way, blocking my path.
“Carrie,” I hissed, my teeth gritted.
“Adalyn,” she nodded solemnly. “I’ve been looking for you.”
“What do you need? I’m kind of on my way to do something,” I snapped, not even trying to hide my annoyance. I didn’t have time for this. I needed to get to Ian before I lost all my courage.
“What I need is for you to stay away from my brother.” I started to lay in to her but she got into my face. Her sudden invasion into my personal space threw me off guard enough to make me stumble backwards. “I don’t know what you’ve done,” she continued, “but Ian has been a mess. I knew you would be bad for him. I warned you to stay away from him. You are going to ruin him just like Maggie did, and he is strong enough to endure it, but it doesn’t mean he should have to. You need to fix this. Whatever you did to get Ian under your spell, undo it.”
“I didn’t do anything, Carrie. I - “ she cut me off before I could continue.
“Ian is too good. His heart is too big. He has a soft spot for the underdog. You’re a broken toy to him and he can’t resist trying to fix you. I’ve always had to look after him, making sure he didn’t give too much. People always take advantage of his generosity, and it always leads to him getting hurt.”
“I don’t know who you think you are Carrie, but you know nothing about me. And you might not know Ian as well as you think you do, either.”
She scoffed and then side stepped my retort altogether. “You have to be at least halfway decent for Stacy to care so much about you, so I’ve tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, but Ian has bent over backwards handing you the world on a silver platter since you walked into his life and you repaid him by hurting him. He hasn’t been sleeping or eating. He’s a mess, and it’s because of you. I don’t know what happened, but I know something did, and you need to fix it.”
“Seriously, Carrie, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I mean yeah, Ian has helped me in a lot of ways. Looking after me, hiring me, mentoring me, and being a friend. But I haven’t taken advantage of him. I mean…”
“Don’t, Adalyn. Quit lying to me. There is no way you are seriously that oblivious. All he’s done since he met you was make exceptions and give you special treatment. The company phone? the sign-on bonus? No one else gets those. Even the position he hired you for didn’t exist. He made one up just to give you a job. No one wanted you here, they all tried to talk him out of it. You aren’t qualified and yet he still did it. You could tank his company completely but he’s so infatuated with your sob story that he wouldn’t even see it coming.”
I wanted to be angry. I wanted to slap her. But I was too stunned. Was what she was saying true? Was everything about Ian a lie? A manipulation to get me in bed? Why would he go to such lengths for someone he didn’t know? Maybe this whole time I had just been a conquest for him. Maybe he had been faking everything, playing me until he could get what he wanted.
It didn’t feel right. Those thoughts didn’t sound like the truth. But I couldn’t help the sinking feeling that what Carrie was saying was true. Why would she lie? She may want to hurt me, but she wouldn’t want to hurt Ian. If he really cared about me, then despite how she feels about me, surely she wouldn’t want to destroy his relationship with me. Would she?
My mind was racing, my eyes darting back and forth as I tried to sort out what she was saying. My body started shaking and I felt like I was going to pass out or start crying any second. I needed to get out of there, clear my head.
“Look, Adalyn,” Carrie said, her voice softer. “I’m not trying to be cruel. I’m not accusing you of doing anything intentionally. If you really do care about Ian at all, then you’ll walk away. I don’t know your story, I don’t claim to know anything about you. But I know my brother and I just can’t…I can’t watch him go through this again.”
I don’t remember anything else she said. I don’t remember leaving the building. I don’t remember how I got home. I don’t remember how long I’d been in the shower, though probably a while because the water was ice cold. But I couldn’t move. I had sank down to the floor and wrapped my arms around myself as I pulled my knees to my chest. And I just cried. I cried until no tears were even coming anymore. And then I cried dry, silent sobs until I was shivering uncontrollably. I didn’t know if it was from the pain or from the cold water, but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. All the horrible things of my past didn’t prepare me for this. The pain was unbearable, and for the second time in my life I wondered if I was going to make it. This time I really doubted I would.