Chapter 28
Adalyn
I couldn’t believe I was about to do this. I had told plenty of people what Ian thinks is my ‘secret,’ but never to someone whose opinion mattered. I’d had my heart closed off for so long that the thought of opening it up and allowing someone to hurt me was more than terrifying. The last time I had made the decision to tell Ian I had ended up walking away with my heart in pieces. I knew it was different this time, though, and I needed to face whatever was going to happen next.
He said he loved me, but that could change. What I was about to tell him could change things forever, but he deserved the truth. He deserved to know who it was he thought he was in love with so he could figure out if that’s truly how he felt.
And I deserved it. I deserved love, and the only way I’d be able to believe him is if he knew everything. So taking a deep breath, I shifted in the passenger seat to face Ian. Eye contact was required for this conversation. I needed him to see in my eyes that I was not weak.
“Before I tell you this, my ‘secret,’ I need you to promise me that you will tell me the truth afterward. You said you love me, but you can’t love me.” I held up my hand to keep him from speaking. I needed to just get this out. “I’m not saying ever, but you can’t truly love someone if you don’t really know who they are. I need you to know, though, I am not broken. I don’t need to be fixed. If you don’t feel the same way after this, you have my word that I will not hold it against you. No one would understand better than me. So you have to promise to be honest with me.”
Pausing to wait for his answer, he pressed his lips into a flat line, his jaw clenched and he nodded.
“I was raped in college.” He immediately tensed up and his chest started heaving. I placed my hand on his to calm him down, giving him a minute to slow his heart rate. I needed him to really hear everything that came next.
“I have no delusions as to what kind of damage that has caused in me. I have issues from it, I’m still working them out, but let me tell you again. I. Am. Not. Broken. What happened to me was horrible and I’d give anything to go back and be able to prevent it from happening, but I can’t change the past, so I’ve found ways to cope moving forward.”
Looking away for a brief second, I tried to gain my composure, but when I turned back to face him the look on his face had changed.
“Stop it,” I said, pointing my finger in his face. “That look, right there, stop that. It’s instinct, human nature, and I get that look every time I tell my story. It’s pity and sadness. I don’t need you to mourn for me, Ian. I don’t need someone to feel sorry for me. I can handle that look from strangers, but not from you.” He started to speak up again, but I interrupted him. “You don’t have to defend yourself. I’m not saying that’s how you feel. I’ve made enough assumptions and snap judgments about you already, I’m not going to keep doing that. But I need to make sure you really understand what I’m telling you, and the only way to do that is to show you.”
“Show me?”
“I’m going to take you to the place I go to every Friday afternoon. We can finish this discussion after that. There’s more, Ian. If you really want to know me, then you have to really know me. All of me. You can’t pick and choose which parts - you take the good with the bad.”
“Where to?” he asked, turning the engine and backing out of the driveway.
Twenty minutes later we were pulling up to an old building on the outskirts of downtown. From the outside it looked run down, but it had become a second home to me. Neither of us had said a word on the way here, though I could see Ian fighting the urge to say something by biting his cheek. The rain had stopped and the sun had come out. It was actually turning into a beautiful day.
“What is this place?”
“You’ll see,” I said, putting my hand in Ian’s and pulling him in behind me.
“Addy!” Three girls ran up and bear hugged me, giant grins on their faces.
“Hey, sweeties! How you doing today?”
“We’re okay,” the youngest one, Sara, spoke up. She was only 10 years old. “Lora is having a rough day though. We’ve done everything we can to cheer her up but nothing is working.”
Giving Sara a quick squeeze, I told Ian I would be right back and walked over to Lora. I spent a few minutes talking to her, but she was in no mood to talk. Heading back over to Ian, I found him leaning against a wall, staring at me intently.
“Penny for your thoughts?”
“Just wondering what we’re doing here. You ever going to tell me what this place is?”
“It’s a rape crisis center. I volunteer here on the weekends, on Fridays is when I have my counseling sessions. I both give and receive counseling.”
Just then the director, Marti, walked over and hugged me. “Are you going to introduce me to your handsome friend, Addy?” she asked with a wink in Ian’s direction. He actually blushed! Where is a camera when you need one.
“Marti, this is Ian, a friend of mine. Ian, this is Marty. She is the director here and the person who so kindly welcomed me and took a chance on a stranger.”
“Oh, hush Adalyn. We are blessed to have you. After the work you did back at UV, we would have been fools to pass up an opportunity to have you here helping us.” Turning to look at Ian, she continued to embarrass me. “Adalyn is beloved by all the girls. She has already impacted so many of their lives. Some of these girls have been coming here for years and no one has been able to make an impact, but Addy here has a unique way of getting through to them. I’ve never seen anything like it. She is quite amazing.”
“That she is,” Ian said, turning to look at me affectionately. It was my turn to blush then.
“Well, Marti, we just wanted to stop in and say hello. We won’t take up any more of your time. I’ll see you on Friday.”
“It was lovely to meet you, Marti,” Ian said, taking her hand and placing a chaste kiss on the top. Now Marty was blushing, but she quickly turned to me and gave me a hug, seeing us off as we left.
“Want to take a walk?”
“Only if you’ll hold my hand. I just...I just need…” I ended his torture by slipping my hand in his.
“I’d love nothing more.”
We walked in silence for a couple blocks until we reached a small park. Making our way over to a bench that overlooked a small pond, still holding hands, I was feeling braver by the second. He hadn’t ran yet. He wasn’t avoiding me. Most men had a tendency to go one of two ways when they found out something like this about a woman.
There were the men who suddenly treated you as if you would break. Like now that they knew the truth all of a sudden you were made of porcelain and even being near you would cause you to shatter into a million pieces.
Then there were the men who looked at you with disgust. Honestly, in my experience it was a visceral reaction, it almost couldn’t be helped. Some men didn’t like to share, and the thought of their woman having been violated made her suddenly repulsive in their eyes. Didn’t make it okay to feel that way, but the majority of people just didn’t know how to react.
None of this had ever happened to me, I’d just watched it happen to other girls at the shelters, the one back home and the one here. I’d never allowed myself to care enough about a man for that conversation to be necessary.
“So do you think you’re ready?” I asked Ian, bending at the waist to catch his eye as he looked at the ground. He sat back against the bench and squeezed my hand tighter, a sign for me to go ahead.
“It happened my freshman year. Before I tell you what happened, I want you to know that I was broken for a while. I went through phases. First, I didn’t want anyone to touch me. Not even my parents. I was practically agoraphobic. The only person I would even let near me was Stacy, because she never tried to talk. We would just sit in complete silence, next to each other on my bed, for hours at a time. I’ll never be able to repay her for that, her giving up so much of her time to just sit with me.”
“There was a trial. Having to prepare for that brought me out of my shell. I was angry. So angry. I wanted them to pay. I went to counseling, worked with the lawyers, and when the time came I was ready. I wasn’t scared anymore, I wasn’t hiding. I refused to let them win any longer.”
What came next was the hardest part for me. Even harder than describing the rape itself.
“After the trial is when I really went off the deep end. I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. They were all found not guilty, my rapists just set free into the world, as if what happened to me didn’t even matter. Not even a slap on the wrist. I never found out how they managed that. We had plenty of evidence, even eye witnesses. I heard sometime later that someone had paid off the judge, but who knows if that’s true.”
“Anyway, I was desperate to get some control back in my life. Nothing made me feel more helpless than when that verdict came back. It was worse than being raped. People who were supposed to protect me were letting my rapists go. I was so angry. I just snapped. I can’t even tell you how many guys I slept with. I wish I could tell you I was drunk or high and that something was causing me to not think rationally, but I was always sober. I won’t tell you the things I did during that time. I mean, I would if you really wanted to know them, but I don’t think you would.”
“I continued going to therapy, only because the college required it in order for me to be able to take a lighter class load without losing my scholarship. I felt like I was coping, but I really wasn’t, it was a charade. I was just in denial. Stacy is the only thing that kept me grounded. She never judged me, never lectured me. She was just there, supporting me, and she went with me to the crisis center on campus on a day that I was feeling particularly depressed. Thanks to the counselors and other survivors there, I came back to reality and stopped my self destructive behavior. That was 3 years ago. I haven’t had sex since.”
His jaw dropped, but he quickly tried to recover. I couldn’t help but giggle at his reaction. He was trying hard not to show any emotion, and I fell for him a little more for it.
“Adalyn,” he whispered, softly squeezing my hand. “You said ‘them.’ How many...I mean, what...only if you want to tell me...I just…”
“It’s fine, Ian. I want to tell you.” I took a deep breath and paused for a moment. “I’ve told this story hundreds of times. The crisis center helped me so much, I wanted to give back. I’ve traveled a lot, going to campuses to speak to the girls, trying to help prevent for them what I couldn’t prevent for myself. It’s important to me that you know, I am not afraid. I’m not afraid to talk about this, and I am not ashamed. It’s not a secret, it’s just a part of who I am now. The reason I didn’t tell you sooner….”
I turned to look him in the eye. “I’ve never told anyone I cared about. I haven’t been in a relationship. Not because I’m afraid, but because I didn’t want to. I wasn’t ready. I had to make myself whole again before I could open up to someone else. I knew I had to be the one to fix me, I couldn’t depend on someone else to do it for me. Honestly, it never even really occurred to me to want to tell someone. No one had affected me the way you did, and the loss of control over my emotions made me act out. I’m sorry for how I treated you.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for, Adalyn. There’s nothing you could have said or done to scare me away. I knew the minute I looked at you that I was meant to know you. You’re not the only one who can be stubborn,” he said, giving me a cocky smile. “And nothing you say or do now will change it either. I’m ready, Adalyn. Tell me, trust me. Let me prove to you that I’m not going anywhere.”
“It was freshman year. I had been dating this guy, your typical cocky college jock. He was a senior and gorgeous and I couldn’t believe it when he asked me out. I knew his reputation, but he was only ever really sweet to me. Eventually I caved and let him take me on a date. He was charming and easy to talk to, and we started spending more and more time together. I wasn’t a virgin, I had slept with my high school boyfriend, but I wasn’t in a hurry to take that leap with anyone else yet either.”
“One night at his place, we were laying on his bed watching a movie, something we’d done several times already. We were kissing, doing some heavy petting, nothing too crazy. When he started to slip his hand under the hem of my shirt, I stopped him. He looked frustrated at first, but we went back to kissing. When he tried it again, I got frustrated. He started yelling at me, calling me a tease. Saying how he’d never worked this hard for a girl before and how I should feel lucky he was even spending time with me.”
“He was like a different person. I’d never seen him act like that. I grabbed my bag and ran out. He lived in a frat house so there were at least a dozen guys in the living room as I headed for the door, but before I could reach the door handle, he grabbed me and shoved me back around to face him. I smacked him across his face and called him an asshole and took off running. I could hear the other frat guys yelling and laughing and giving him a hard time, but he stood on the front porch screaming at me. I don’t even know what he was saying, I was running so fast I couldn’t hear anything.”
I loosened my grip on Ian’s hand and he flexed his fingers. I didn’t realize how hard I had been squeezing it.
“He left me alone after that. I expected him to give me a hard time around campus or spread rumors about me, but life pretty much went back to normal. If I saw him around he would just avoid me, no one ever bothered me. I even let myself wonder if I had been wrong about him. That thought didn’t last long, though.”
“There was a party at his frat house one night. Stacy begged me to go and even though I still didn’t want to see him, I was curious to find out if I really had been wrong about him, so I agreed to go. By the time we got there the party was going full force. We weren’t two steps in the door before red solo cups were shoved in our hands, full of warm beer. I had never really drank before. It was never worth the risk of getting in trouble when I was working so hard for scholarships. But I was nervous and figured it wouldn’t kill me to just act my age for once, and before I knew it, I had drank it all.”
“It didn’t take long for the room to start spinning and for the people to become blurry. I figured the alcohol would affect me more than others since I never drank, but I could tell something wasn’t right. I couldn’t see anyone’s faces clearly enough to be able to find Stacy, so I just walked around yelling for her. Someone grabbed my arm and said he knew where Stacy was and would take me to her. I had no choice but to trust him, I could barely walk at this point.”
Ian’s entire body tensed up at that moment, and I knew he was preparing for what I was about to say.
“He led me up some stairs and into a bedroom. I could tell by the voices talking that there were several other people in the room, but they were all just blurry figures by this point. I asked where Stacy was, and one of them laughed and mumbled something I couldn’t hear. The next thing I knew, I was laying on the bed and I could feel my clothes being pulled off of me, but I was too weak to resist. I was trying to yell but I honestly couldn’t tell if any sound was even coming out.”
“It felt like I had been in there for hours. I couldn’t make out their faces, but I could make out the shapes of five guys. Three of them had their turn with me before the door flew open. I turned my head toward the light coming from the hallway and heard Stacy yell for someone, then she ran over to me and covered me up with a blanket. Suddenly I was wrapped in someone’s arms, being carried down the stairs. I could hear whispers and shrieking cries, but it wasn’t until we were outside that I realized I was the one crying.”
“The last thing I remember was screaming and clutching to the man holding me, begging them not to take me in the ambulance. I didn’t even know who was holding me, but I felt safe and I was terrified to be alone. Eventually I was ripped from his arms and put into an ambulance, sobbing. Whatever medicine they gave me on the way to the hospital knocked me out and I don’t remember anything else that happened over the next two days.”
I paused, giving Ian a chance to let it all sink in. I expected him to avoid eye contact, to subtly move away from me, but he surprised me by taking my hands in his and turning to face me. I couldn’t even tell you what he was feeling at that moment. It wasn’t the pity and disgust I was expecting. It was...understanding? How could he understand when it had never happened to him?
“I was there, Adalyn.”
“You were where?”
“The man who carried you...that was me.”
“What? How is that...I mean...how is that possible? Why didn’t you ever say something?”
“I didn’t realize it was you until just now. Your hair was different and your face was buried in my neck, I never really got a look at your face. I asked Stacy about you later but she wouldn’t talk about it. I never even knew your name.”
“What were you doing there? You didn’t go to school there,” I shook my head, trying to process this new information. I still couldn’t believe what he was telling me.
“I was visiting a friend and Stacy begged me to meet her there to say hi. I...I tried to go with you. I begged them to let me ride in the ambulance, to not force you out of my arms. You were so terrified and I felt this fierce protectiveness over you. When they finally tore you out of my arms, the cops had to restrain me. I was screaming and clawing, trying to get to you. I followed the ambulance to the hospital but they wouldn’t let me see you because I wasn’t family. I sat in the waiting room for two full days before Stacy made me go home. No one would tell me anything, only that you were recovering. I was so frustrated. I asked Stacy over and over for years to tell me who you were and what happened but she wouldn’t. It caused us to not speak for an entire year, actually.”
“I just...I can’t believe this. I...I knew there had to be a reason,” I said in disbelief. Then to both our surprise, I smiled.
“What did you know Adalyn? Why are you smiling like that?” He looked confused but he was smiling back and all I wanted in that moment was to throw myself into his arms.
“I just knew. Or, at least my body did. You are the only person since that night that I’ve felt comfortable around. The only one I didn’t cringe and move away from when I was touched. Every time you were near me I felt...calm. It scared the shit out of me. It’s part of why I pushed you away so much. Pretty messed up, right? I pushed you away because I felt comfortable around you. It sounds crazy, but I just hadn’t felt like that in so long it was foreign to me. Somehow, I just...knew.”
Ian cupped my face in his hands and brushed his thumb across my lower lip. “Thank you, Adalyn. Thank you for trusting me, for opening up to me. You’re amazing. I don’t pity you, I don’t think you’re broken. I think you’re strong and brave and just...amazing. Telling me all of that...it doesn’t change how I feel. It only confirms what I already knew. I love you, Adalyn. I love you.”
The sincerity in his voice and the love in his eyes stole my breath, and for a moment I couldn’t speak. Searching his eyes for something, anything, to tell me what was happening wasn’t real, I felt the last of my defenses melt away when all I saw looking back at me was admiration.
“I love you too, Ian. I love you so much.” The next thing I knew Ian had scooped me up, holding me the same way he had that night, and he carried me all the way back to his car, with my face buried in his neck.