Chapter 35
Ian
“Stacy, you have to let me see her. I have to see her. I need to explain!” I was frantic, pacing back and forth in the waiting room of the hospital where Adalyn had been admitted.
“No way, Ian. She doesn’t want to see you, and I can’t say I blame her. To be honest with you, you’re lucky I don’t jack your shit up right here. The only reason I haven’t ripped off your testicles is because I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt. But if you give me any reason at all to believe that what Adalyn saw is anywhere close to the truth, I swear to you, you’ll leave this hospital a woman because you will have been castrated.”
“Dammit, Stacy, of course what she saw isn’t what it looked like. There is an explanation and I’ll be happy to explain it to you, but I need to explain it to Adalyn first. She needs to be the first one to hear it and soon, Stacy. She’s hurting. I know she’s hurting. I need to fix this.”
I’d left my pride back in that damn ballroom. I didn’t care what amount of begging and pleading it would take to get Adalyn to listen to me, I would do whatever it took. I knew it looked horrible. I can only imagine what was running through Adalyn’s mind right now, how confused and hurt she must be and it was eating me alive.
“Look, Ian, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. But I can’t let you go in there without her permission. The doctors said she should be able to go home sometime today most likely. Maybe she will be willing to see you once she’s out of the hospital.”
“It’s been three days, Stacy. THREE. DAYS. She’s been sick and hurting for three days. The longer she goes without giving me a chance to explain, the longer she is in pain. The further she drifts away from me. You know how hard it is to get through to her, Stacy. If I don’t get to talk to her soon she will have already shut me out completely, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get her to let me back in.”
“So what, if Adalyn keeps refusing to see you, you’re just going to give up? If it’s too hard you’ll just cut your losses? Go back to that bitch of an ex?”
“Stop it, Stacy! You know that’s not true! Adalyn is it for me. Whether she ever takes me back or not, it doesn’t matter. There is no one else for me. I’ll spend every day the rest of my life trying to prove to her that I am the man she fell in love with and that what she saw was a mistake. I would never hurt her. Not intentionally.”
“Really? Well you did a damn good job of doing it accidentally, so I’d hate to see what you would have done to her if it had been on purpose. Aside from murder I’m not sure how you would even top this, anyway.”
“Dammit!” I was going to go bald from yanking on my hair as much as I had been. I hadn’t been home, hadn’t eaten and had only passed out for a few minutes at a time since Adalyn had been admitted to the hospital.
Thank God that cop had found her on the side of the road. I can’t even bring myself to think of what might have happened if she had been out there alone too much longer. The doctor’s said she was severely dehydrated and was unconscious when she first arrived to the emergency room. Once she had woken up, she had been hysterical, ripping out her IV and scratching at her skin. Stacy said the doctor’s had to sedate her when she wouldn’t stop screaming.
I was afraid they were going to admit her into the psych ward, but she eventually calmed down. They were still thinking of admitting her because she still hadn’t spoken a word. The only person she would acknowledge was Stacy and even then she hadn’t communicated anything verbally. The only reason they were considering letting her leave now was because Stacy had signed a waiver agreeing to take responsibility for watching her over the next week. She was even taking an entire week off of work because they recommended Adalyn not be alone.
I hated that all of this information was second hand. I hated that Stacy was going to be the one taking care of Adalyn when I wanted it to be me. When Adalyn shouldn’t even have to be taken care of like this because I never should have hurt her in the first place. I knew we never should have gone to that charity event. I had no doubt that Maggie would cause trouble, but I never imagined I would have any hand in it. I was so mad and I had nowhere to direct my anger at but myself.
I never should have even spoken to Maggie. I should have taken Adalyn’s hand and walked away. I especially should have never walked off with Maggie. I just needed to get her away from Adalyn. I knew she wouldn’t leave us alone until I let her say her peace and I was trying to spare Adalyn from whatever lies and hate came spewing out of Maggie’s mouth.
I’d never regretted something so much in my entire life. The thought of losing Adalyn was unbearable.
No. No. I couldn’t think like that. I would get Adalyn back. I would explain everything and it would be hard but she would trust me again eventually and we could go back to where we were. I loved Adalyn. We were meant to be together. As clichéd as that sounded, it was true. I never felt more right than when Adalyn was in my arms. Maybe it sounded like codependency that I knew I couldn’t go on without her. That I needed her more than I needed to breathe, but I didn’t care. It was true. There was no life for me anymore without Adalyn. Not a life worth living, anyway.
“Stacy, please. I’m desperate. I’ll do anything. You know I love her. You know this is killing me. I need you to trust me, even though you have no reason to right now, but I need you to. You saw what I went through with Maggie and you know I would never do that to someone else. I would never hurt Adalyn like that. I’d leave her before I’d cheat.”
Stacy sighed and hung her head. She was just as exhausted as me. She had only left the hospital a couple of times to run get things for Adalyn and do some necessary errands, but other than that she hadn’t left Adalyn’s side. She was an amazing friend and I would be forever grateful to her for being there for Adalyn through all of this.
“I know, Ian. I just don’t know what you want me to do. The one time I said your name she freaked out. They almost had to sedate her again. She’s just been through so much. She didn’t even break down like this after she was raped. It’s like something snapped in her this time. I think the weight of all the pain she’s been harboring all these years just came barreling at her when she saw you with Maggie. I don’t think everything she’s feeling right now is entirely your fault, some of it just residual emotions from her past that she’s channeling on to you, but I really think you just need to respect her wishes right now and keep your distance. I promise, as soon as I think she can handle talking to you, I’ll call you. That’s the best I can do.”
I knew she was right. It was killing me not being able to talk to her, hold her, make all her pain go away, but seeing me right now would most likely make it worse.
“I’m not really supposed to repeat any of this and Adalyn would probably be mad at me for how much I’ve been telling you, but believe it or not, I want you guys to work out,” Stacy said in almost a whisper, staring at the ground.
“What is it, Stacy? What did they say?” I begged, grabbing her shoulders and urging her to look at me, pleading with my eyes.
Her shoulders slumped and she stalked towards one of the seats in the waiting area, putting her head in her hands with her elbows resting on her knees. When she finally looked up at me, she had tears running down her cheeks.
“Stacy please, you’re killing me here. You never cry. It can’t be good if you’re crying. Just tell me, please. I can handle it.”
She took in a shaky breath and exhaled deeply. “The doctors said they think she is having some kind of post traumatic event. Apparently her psychiatrist she saw after the rape had predicted this sort of thing, claiming Addy never fully accepted what had happened to her. Her doctor had spent months trying to get her to truly face what had happened, but she was coping in all the wrong ways and her doctor wrote that there was a good possibility that another traumatic event in her life might have this kind of backlash.” She paused, taking in another shaky breath.
“They called her psychiatrist and he actually flew out here yesterday and saw her. He confirmed that that’s what is happening to her. And he…” Stacy trailed off, looking everywhere but at me.
“What Stacy, just say it.”
“He said he recommends Adalyn not see you. That since what happened with you is what triggered her episode, that she may now associate you with the rape and it could send her into hysterics again. He said that…” Stacy trailed off again as she wiped a tear from her face. “He said that she may never fully recover, and that even if she does, she may never be able to see you and react normally. I’m so sorry, Ian. I don’t know how much of that is true. Maybe he’s a quack. Maybe he’s just exaggerating and giving the worst case scenario. I’m sure with time it will be fine. Adalyn is strong, she can get through this.”
I couldn’t hear anything else Stacy said after that. It was too much to take in, the thought of Adalyn associating me with so much pain and grief. The thought that every time she saw my face that it would bring so much pain that she would fall apart. How could I fix things if that were true? Nothing I said or did would be able to undo that kind of damage.
I needed air. I couldn’t breathe, it felt like the walls were closing in on me. I just needed to be anywhere else right then. And without another look back, I walked out.