Chapter 1
Mia
Grabbing my towel and water bottle, I walk towards the stairs. Although the music filling the air is beating with energy, it only leaves me feeling drained. It doesn’t help that every other person here looks like they have enough energy to climb out Mt. Everest. I hate coming to the gym, but won’t dare skip it. I’ve been working my butt off over the past few years to lose weight. It’s taken a lot of hard work to lose forty pounds and with only ten pounds left to go, I’m too close to my target weight to jeopardize it now.
After our parents died I turned to food as a source of comfort. It’s actually scary how I let it get out of control. During my senior year, I realized it was a problem I’d have to face. If it weren’t for Logan I wouldn’t even have had a date for prom.
I was head over heels in love with Logan back then. Hell, I even managed to lose a lot of weight my senior year in the hopes that he would see me as more than Rhett’s chubby little sister. My hopes turned into dreams of a future with him when he taught me how to kiss. Yeah, I know he was doing me a favor but that didn’t stop my love-sick mind from wishing he would return my feelings.
He was the one I spent nights dreaming about, and days drooling over. No one has ever made me feel as giddy, infatuated, and just down right ecstatic, whenever he gave me any attention.
The memory is a bittersweet one as I think back to the day he taught me how to kiss.
Feeling dejected I walk to my room. I hate being the odd one out. Nicole didn’t stop gushing about her first kiss with Derek. Soon all the girls were comparing their kissing experiences and all I could do was hope no one would notice that I had nothing to say.
“Hey, did you have a bad day?”
My head snaps up at hearing Logan’s question. My heart skips a beat like it always does whenever he’s around.
“It’s nothing. Did you all skip class again?” I ask, wondering why they’re here so early on a Friday afternoon.
“No, it was canceled. There’s a game tonight.” Logan tilts his head and his eyes search my face. When he looks at me like that I can almost pretend he might see the real me. “Want to talk about it?”
I want to talk to him but not about what happened today, so instead of answering I just shrug. I walk into my room and drop my bag on the floor.
Logan comes in and I’m surprised when he sits down on my bed. Suddenly I’m nervous as hell and all I can do is stand like a pillar of salt while awkwardly wondering if he would think it’s weird if I sit next to him.
“Talk to me, Mia. I might be able to help and worse case I can listen.”
My thoughts go back to how stupid I felt while the girls were all laughing.
Secure in the knowledge that Logan has no idea how I feel about him, I look down at my feet and mumble, “I haven’t kissed anyone yet and today all my friends were talking about their first kisses. It felt like …” I let the words trail away, too embarrassed to continue.
“You felt like?” Logan stands up and walks to where I am. When I don’t answer him, he gently places a finger under my chin and lifts my face so I have to look at him.
“It felt like …” I swallow hard, feeling more sad than embarrassed that I’m having this conversation with Logan. “I’m fat and ugly. I know that’s why none of the guys will even look at me. Today it just felt like it was out there for everyone to see.”
Logan leans around me and he shuts the door. I glance at the closed door and then look back to him, a thankful smile on my face. I didn’t even think about the other guys being in the house. I don’t want them to hear about my day.
When Logan tucks some hair behind my ear my heart flutters. I have such a huge crush on him.
“You’re not fat and you sure as hell aren’t ugly, Mia.”
I try to keep the smile on my face and nod. Of course, he’ll say that. I’m Rhett’s baby sister.
“Don’t do that.” He brings both his hands to my neck and with his palms he nudges my jaw so I’ll look up again.
“It’s okay. It just sucks that I don’t know how to kiss. What if I meet a guy who wants to kiss me and I mess it up?”
“Is that what’s really bothering you?”
He’s so patient with me that it warms my heart.
“Yeah. I don’t want to look like an idiot.”
I can see he’s thinking hard about something, but I’m not complaining because his hands are still on my neck. I love it when he touches me. I resist the urge to close my eyes so I can just bask in the feel of his hands on me.
“Do you want to learn how to kiss?”
I think about his question, not sure what he’s actually asking me.
“It’s not like I can go for lessons somewhere,” I whisper.
“I can show you.”
For a second I can only stare at him. Did he just offer to teach me how to kiss? I have to remind myself to breathe as excitement rushes through my body.
I nod and almost stutter, “Would you be okay with that?” I’m so thankful when the words come out sounding normal.
He drops his hands from my neck and smiles. It’s not his usual friendly smile. This time there’s a softness to it that actually makes me feel more nervous.
“Of course I’m okay with it.”
Duh … I want to kick myself. Logan’s just offering to help because he’s friends with Rhett. It’s not like it means anything to him. It doesn’t stop me from feeling excited. Even if it means nothing to him, it will still be a dream come true for me.
When he takes a step closer to me and places a hand on the back of my neck, my mouth instantly goes bone dry. My whole body tenses as I wait for his next move.
“It’s normal to feel nervous when you’re about to kiss someone for the first time, but try to relax. If you worry too much about it you’ll end up missing out on the whole experience.”
I nod, unable to form any coherent words right now.
Tilting his head to the right, he leans closer until I can feel his breath on my lips. I stop breathing and stare at his mouth as if it holds the answer to all the mysteries of the universe.
My insides are quivering with nerves and I can feel my hands shaking. My heart is beating so loudly it’s all I can hear.
Slowly he closes the distance until his lips press softly against mine. Everything stops. The loud thumping in my ears, the quivering inside of me, and even the shaking of my hands. There’s only the perfect silence surrounding us as I feel the warmth of his lips on my own.
I jerk when I feel his tongue on my bottom lip. I didn’t expect it and I flush bright red when he pulls away from me.
“I’m sorry,” I blurt out, both embarrassed and sad that I ruined the moment.
Logan shakes his head as a sexy smile plays around his mouth.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about,” he says in a low tone that makes the quivering return with force. “This time open your mouth slightly and focus on what I do.”
Again I can only nod, ecstatic that he’s going to kiss me again.
This time he moves much quicker. He brushes his lips against mine as he takes a step that presses his body right up against me. It’s a sensory overload as I try to take in what his body and mouth feel like all at once.
His tongue traces my bottom lip again and I almost don’t remember to open my mouth. When my lips part he slips his tongue into my mouth and it makes tingles explode in my stomach. It’s so overwhelming that I can’t focus on anything.
He starts to caress my tongue with his own which makes my hands grab at his sides so I have something to hold onto or else I’ll drop to the floor.
Softly, he bites my bottom lip and I take a shuddering breath in response to the incredible feelings engulfing every part of me.
He brings his other hand to my jaw and with his body he pushes me back until I’m up against the wall. This time when his tongue slips into my mouth, I’m not as overwhelmed and I try to mimic his movements.
Soon I’m so lost in kissing Logan that I forget it’s not real. I move one hand up his body until I reach his neck, and I drink in the feel of his skin under my fingertips. This moment is everything … it’s heaven.
It’s over too soon as he starts to pull away, pressing one last soft kiss to my tingling lips.
He pulls me into a tight hug and whispers, “You’re beautiful, Mia, and you’re going to make some lucky bastard very happy.”
~
Yeah, all those dreams turned to ashes when they all up and left for New York. If it weren’t for Josie, I don’t think I would’ve made it through that first year. We met at college and she quickly became my best friend. I swear there were days she kept me going when all I wanted to do was crawl into a deep, dark hole of self-pity.
That first year was unbearable. I had to deal with stuff I never thought would ever happen to me. Our parents might have died when I was young, but Rhett always made me feel safe.
I’ll even admit that it felt great that I was the one girl who was close to the Screw Crew. I had an idea why the guys gave themselves such a stupid name, or at least, I thought I knew why.
Once they left, I learned the true meaning of their name. It wasn’t just because of the stories I heard all over campus, but rather the fact that they screwed me, as well. Just like all the girls they used for a quick roll in the sack, I was discarded. It hurt like hell. I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep because of them, but no amount of tears eased the gutted feeling of rejection and sorrow.
Rhett and Logan were the only ones who kept contact with me during the first few months, but eventually Logan’s messages tapered out until they stopped. Rhett went from calling me every second day to maybe once every few weeks, until he stopped, as well. Thinking about it now, they both stopped around the same time.
I lost my phone and I refused to get a replacement phone on the contract they had set up for me before they left. The only thing I had to hold onto was my pride. I was done being dependent on them. I got a cheap phone with a new number, determined to make it on my own.
I guess I wanted to stubbornly prove to myself that I would be okay without them.
Initially I blamed their lack of contact on the change of phone numbers. I kept hoping it was all to blame on some stupid misunderstanding. But I sent them quite a few messages from my new phone, explaining that I lost the old one but none of them bothered to reply. Every time I tried to phone Rhett, it said his number was no longer in use. When I tried to phone Logan and the other guys just to make sure Rhett was okay, I got the same thing. All their numbers were no longer in use. I didn’t know what to make of it. Worried that something might have happened to them, I got on a flight to see for myself if everything was okay.
Josie kept telling me not to worry, that I shouldn’t waste my time by going all the way to New York. I should’ve listened to her but once again I was stubborn. I needed to see them for myself, still hoping it was all some misunderstanding.
I spent the entire flight thinking how happy they would be to see me. I dreamt that we would laugh the silly misunderstanding away, and things would return to the way they were before the guys left North Carolina. I fantasized that Logan would take me in his arms, admitting how he’d always loved me. He’d say something sweet and loving, and sweep me from my feet with a passionate kiss.
I’ll never forget the first time I walked into Indie Ink Publishers. I was so proud of the guys as I made my way up to the top floors, taking in everything they’ve achieved. My heart was beating crazily with excitement at seeing them all again.
Then I stepped out of the elevator. Carter and Logan were walking towards me accompanied by an elderly man.
I smiled and took a step forward as the excitement in my chest reached new heights at finally seeing Logan again. Even though almost a year had passed since I’d seen him last, he still held the power to take my breath away. He had changed a lot during the past year. The boyish face I used to remember had filled out and become masculine. He had become a gorgeous man.
Practically falling in love with him all over again, I wondered if he would notice the weight I’d lost so far. Would he finally see me as a desirable woman?
All my hopeful thoughts and wild fantasies went up in a puff of smoke when he lifted his head and looked right at me.
Our eyes met - his devoid of any sign that he recognized me, and mine with the last spark of my dying hope.
It was only for a brief moment because Carter said something that made Logan look back down at the documents in his hand.
As they walked by me, I said hi but they didn’t even bother greeting me back. I still remember the awful feeling that sunk into my bones as I watched them walk away from me. The fiery sting of rejection scorched my heart.
I forced myself to walk to the receptionist and asked to see Rhett. When I was told that he was out of the country on business, my heart just shriveled up and died. Realizing that my brother had gone overseas without even bothering to let me know, was a stab to my fragile heart.
I couldn’t deal with the pain so I buried it deep. I told myself they were all just busy settling into their new lives, but as the holidays and birthdays slipped by, it became all too clear that I was nothing to them.
I didn’t even finish my degree in interior decorating, dropping out of college at the end of my first year. Finishing the degree would’ve meant that I’d have to use the money in the trust fund set up for all us after Mr. Hayes passed away, and I refused to do that.
Months would go by and I’d find myself harboring a sliver of hope again, nurturing the seed until the pain would be forgotten and it blossomed into the need to try and reconnect with them. I tried to see them two more times. The first time I was sent away, advised to make an appointment. They didn’t see walk-in clients. Trying to explain that I was family was futile. The receptionist didn’t even bother listening to me.
The last time I tried, I made an appointment. It was cancelled minutes before I would’ve boarded the plane. I didn’t bother rescheduling. It was clear they were avoiding me and that I should get the hint.
I was done trying. It was time to accept that they didn’t want me in their lives.
~
I’ll make it on my own. Hell, I’ve been doing an okay job of taking care of myself back in North Carolina for the past three years, but since I moved to New York, things haven’t been going all that great. The first week I got here I quickly realized there aren’t many jobs available for someone like me.
I’ve managed to get a job as a receiver that pays hourly. The store only employs on a monthly basis and I think it’s so they don’t have to offer any benefits. It’s also easier to let go of the slackers. Besides, it’s not a place I see myself working at for long. It’s just a stepping stone until I can find something better or figure out what I actually want to do with my life.
At least Josie is coming in two weeks. I miss her like crazy. She stayed behind to finish her degree, and now that she’s graduated, she’ll come to New York and we’ll be able to find a place together. I can’t wait for her to get here already. With her by my side things won’t look as grim.
Josie wanted to go to LA but I was unwavering in my decision to move to New York. Actually, I encouraged her to move to LA. It’s not like we’d stop being friends. At least, I hope us moving to different states wouldn’t affect our friendship. In the end, Josie refused and said she’d join me in New York. I won’t lie, it warmed my heart, knowing she cared enough about me to move out here.
The sad part is that I’ve been in New York four months already and none of the guys even know. It’s been a year since I tried to see them. I only moved here because it’s where Rhett is. My brother might not want me, but it’s comforting knowing he’s close.
Even if Rhett’s not talking to me I still want to be close to him. I don’t know what I did wrong that made the guys not want to keep contact with me, but it doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten them. Sometimes the shock and sadness is overwhelming and I try to figure out what I could’ve possibly done wrong, or why it was so easy for them to forget about me after we were so close growing up. But most of the time, I’m okay with what happened. It is what it is and it sure doesn’t help to cry about it.
~
A door to my left opens and I unconsciously glance inside the room. A woman twisting around a pole catches my eye and I slow my pace until I come to a full stop, staring at her as she masterfully curves around the pole. Her legs are toned and strong, keeping her fit body from plunging to the ground.
Damn, she makes it look so easy.
“There’s a class starting in five minutes, if you want to stick around,” a woman says from the open door.
My eyes dart to her and I smile nervously, letting out a self-conscious chuckle. “Yeah, I think I’m going to give it a pass. I’m not exactly built for it.”
The woman pulls a face and waves my words away.
“That’s the whole point. It’s great exercise and fun.” She closes the distance between us and tilts her head. “Honey, we all start out looking like a bunch of wales trying to mate with a toothpick. Give me a few weeks and I’ll have you looking like that.” She points back to the beauty that’s now hanging upside down from the pole. I drink in the sight of her tight abs, knowing it will take more than a few weeks to get my flabby stomach looking like that. Hell, it will take a few miracles for me to look like that, never mind hanging from a pole while trying not to break my neck.
I can’t keep the cynical laugh from bubbling up my throat.
“I’ll make you a deal. Give me four weeks, but you need to come at least every second day. Follow all my instructions, and if by the end of four weeks you’re not happy with the results, I’ll refund your gym membership fee for two months.”
Hell, I could do with free membership. Things haven’t been going so great since I moved to New York. I’ve managed to find a cheap room in Washington Heights. It sucks that I have to share the apartment with two other people, a guy and a girl that seem to be around the same age as me. John keeps to himself, hardly ever leaving his room. I don’t know what he does in there all day long, and I really don’t care. I get a weird vibe from Ellen. She always smells like fish and hardly ever says a word. Just to be safe, I’ve added an extra lock to my bedroom door. It’s definitely not my dream home, but it is what it is. I’m just thankful it’s only temporary. As soon as Josie gets here I’ll be out of there.
“Okay,” I agree, figuring I’ll either get that hot body or free membership.
A smile splits over the woman’s face and she reaches a hand out to me.
“I’m Beth.”
I shake her hand, smiling back at her. “Mia.”
“Let’s get to class, Mia. It’s over here,” she says, pointing to the room behind me.
I follow her in and I’m relieved to see four other women already waiting. There’s a blonde that’s around the same size as me, and a red head that’s a bit bigger. It makes me feel comfortable knowing I’m not the only woman in here that’s not built like a super model.
I’ve been working hard to try and tone my body. Well, hard in my books is most probably a walk in the park for some of the women that are daily at this gym.
I’ve come far over the past four years, going from a size fourteen to a size ten. It’s been a lot of sweat and tears. The stubborn fat clung like shit to a wool blanket.
After Beth greets the class with a welcoming smile, she takes a deep breath.
“Breathe, ladies. It’s going to be fun. We believe in small, intimate classes. Usually we don’t have more than six students per class. This means that you will get loads of attention from me. Please feel free to ask me anything. We’re going to start with a short warm-up to get your neck, shoulders, arms and legs nice and loose. Then we’ll do a few fun spins and basic moves to get you used to the pole. The following is likely to happen: You will probably do a koala impression and hug the pole. This is normal so please don’t be embarrassed. Your hands will get sweaty and you’ll slip around a bit, and you’ll feel like you have no idea what the hell you’re doing. Again, this is normal. When our hour is up we’ll wrap up with a few minutes of stretching to cool down.”
I let out a breath and wipe my already sweaty hands on my towel.
“Place your towels and water to the side, giving yourself enough space to move,” Beth instructs and we all move at the same time.
An energetic beat starts up from the front of the class and Beth begins to walk on the spot.
“Just follow my lead. Let’s get those muscles loose, ladies.”
After the warm up Beth takes hold of the pole up on her little podium and swings around it. It only took a few seconds but she managed to make it look sexy.
I take hold of the pole as she says, “Just let your body flow around it. Don’t force the movement.”
I get up close and personal with my pole and try to swing around it. Try being the key word. I end up losing my balance and almost become one with the piece of steel before banging my breast bone against the pole, and end up going down like a sack of potatoes.
Quickly glancing around the studio, I make sure no one saw what an epic failure my first try was.
One of the girls falls down just like me, while another is doing a weird shuffle around the pole. The third girl actually manages to do a semi twirl around her pole. The last girl almost gets it done perfectly, but then she glances at us and loses her concentration.
I let out a heavy sigh as I pick myself off the floor. Why the hell did I let Beth talk me into joining this class? Oh yeah, cause I’m going to score two months free membership.
Beth patiently spends a few minutes with each of us, giving us advice on how to hold the pole and move our bodies. By the time the hour is up, I’ve actually managed to do a pretty decent twirl around the pole. I’m surprised by how quickly I caught on.
“There’s a store next to the health bar. You’ll find some pretty nice outfits there which will be better suited for this class. The class is private so feel free to dress up. If you feel sexy it will go a long way to building your confidence while learning to pole dance.”
I pick up my towel and water bottle and as soon as Beth looks away, I make a run for the door not wanting to stick around just in case the women feel the need to get social after class.
I roll my eyes at myself. Making friends would be a good thing. I’ll try the class again tomorrow and then stay to meet the other women. Josie is in for one hell of a surprise. I’m going to try and convince her come to the classes with me so I don’t have to suffer alone.
I laugh just thinking how much fun we’re going to have once she’s here.
Glancing at my watch and seeing that it’s already past seven pm, I walk a little faster. I better hurry if I still want to shower and eat something before my shift starts. I hate working the night shift but beggars can’t be choosers.
Tomorrow I’m going to view two more apartments. I’ve saved enough for a deposit so when Josie gets here we can just move in.
It’s the start to a new life for me. I’m going to make the best of it and prove to myself that I can make it on my own.