Colton struggled with his guilt as he sat in his office, the office that should still belong to his father. After losing his temper with his mother, he hadn't found it safe for him to leave again.
He never meant to snap at Lady Gilchrist, but he just couldn’t stand the fact that she could no longer look him in the eyes. Surely, she had to know how much he already hated himself for his father's death. To recognize, on top of that, that his own mother held it against him was unbearable.
He hadn’t spoken a word to his mother since that night. Instead, he locked himself in this room, never really knowing if it was day or night.
Even worse were the nightmarish fits that seemed to overcome him during the twilight hours. It left him not wanting to sleep at all. Over and over again, he relived the action that led to his disfigurement and his father’s ultimate death.
Gilchrist felt he kept himself busy enough but apparently his sister didn’t agree on that fact. Instead, after an evening of listening to Louisa’s voice resound around the house mingled with the other ladies’, she came to him announcing a project which she insisted he take on.
It was an intriguing one and he couldn't help but to at least read over the small stack of letters before him. Many of them were just to express their desire to join the regular or militia to make something of themselves.
It sent waves of anxiety as he read many of the emotions he had felt before taking up his commission.
Lord Gilchrist was also keenly aware of what awaited these boys. With nothing to their names or to support them, they would enlist in the lowest forms of the militia. He knew well what hardships and dangers lay ahead of them.
He toiled away in his office wondering what to do with such letters. As a military man, the right thing to do would be to encourage them. Tell the boys all the best of the military and what it entailed.
Another part of him wished to tell the boys to find a better-suited lot in life. He knew, however, that this was not possible for many of them. It was poverty or enlistment.
He determined instead that he would tell them the whole truth. He would explain the brotherhood and camaraderie that was found on no other place. He would also suggest tools and training they could learn now, in order to prepare for advancement and, frankly, survival.
He sat down and began to compile a list of all things the boys should train in before they became of age. Many of these things were not considered proper schooling for boys. One such business was basic sewing.
It was often that men of the lesser ranks couldn’t afford to have buttons or hems tended to. It was far too high a cost for their meager salaries. For this reason, many either had to risk the reprimand of not having their uniform up to snuff or learn the art of mending themselves.
The Royal Military was not only full of rules and organized ranks, but also had a very keen eye for details. The slightest hem not suitably tended could end in severe consequences.
A soft knock on his door interrupted the earl's work.
“Come in,” he said, slightly more irritated than he had meant.
He didn’t fret over this too much as it was likely just a servant with a tray of some sorts. The rumble in his stomach told him that dinner must shortly come to pass.
Instead, he saw his sister enter the room. She was dressed in a delicate silk gown of ruby red. He did not doubt that Louisa must be going somewhere this evening from the way she looked.
“You might want to hurry and ready yourself,” she said softly as she looked him over.
Colton looked down at his own clothes. He had not slept the last two days and therefore had not changed his clothes. His jacket was slung in a heap on the floor, and his shirt was severely wrinkled.
“Whatever for?” he asked his sister.
“Do you not remember? The Duke of Wintercrest invited us to dinner this night and you accepted.”
The earl leaned back in his chair. He had reluctantly accepted because of the pleadings of his sister. Now that the night was apparently upon him, he was no longer feeling himself capable of gratifying her wishes.
“You must come,” Lady Louisa said, sensing his hesitation. “It is just the small group of us,” she added by way of reasoning.
“Louisa,” he started.
“No, I won't hear any excuses from you,” she interrupted, more forceful than ever before.
“You have locked yourself away in here like you are some kind of prisoner.”
“I stay here for the comfort of others’,” he retorted.
“We are your family,” she countered, exasperated. “We love you, no matter how you look. Your face offends no one.”
“Tell that to Mother, who can't seem to look me in the eye,” he mumbled under his breath.
“She hurts for many reasons and, because of it, she has a weak constitution. She can bear little these days. You refusing to attend dinner with us will only make her worry more,” Lady Louisa added with hands on her hips.
Colton thought over his mother. Her weak constitution and hurt were all his own doing. He had basically murdered his father and broken his mother. His sister’s guilting tactic had its effect. He would not cause his mother any more pain than he could help.
“I mean it, Colton,” Lady Louisa continued when he didn’t respond or move. “I may be your little sister, but if I have to, I will grab you by your good ear and pull you all the way to the Duke of Wintercrest’s house.”
Lord Gilchrist relaxed into a smile. It was a rare thing for his little sister to be so passionate about something as to threaten to use force. He was sure this small dinner, and his presence at it, was something significant to her. He wouldn’t let her down.
Standing up, he put one hand over his whole ear, pretending to feel fear at her words.
“How dare you threaten him so,” he said, finding some of the old humor he once had. “The poor fellow lost his mate and now you want to tug him around.”
He smiled softly down at his sister. Seeing his good nature briefly return, Louisa gave out a long sigh of relief.
He took her hands in his and kissed them softly.
“I know I didn’t come back right, old girl,” he said softly. “I’m trying to fix it. I would prefer not to be gaped at, but I can see this is important to you so I will change presently.”
“No one will gawk at you, Colton,” Lady Louisa encouraged him.
For so much of their life, Lord Gilchrist had to protect and encourage his little sister. It seemed that now it was her turn to give some of that courage back.
“Lady Abigail certainly will,” he added as he walked over to pick his jacket up from its crumpled pile.
“She doesn’t know you well as the rest of us do. It didn’t help, either, that you were a truly terrible monster when she first met you.”
Lord Gilchrist thought over his behavior at that ball. He probably had been what his sister said.
He was sick of being looked at like a spectacle, though. Just about every moment of that evening had utterly irritated him and the earl had not held back his opinions.
It was clear to Gilchrist that Lady Abigail was a very young lady. She was enjoying her youth and the thrills of the season. He couldn’t fault her for doing the same things that he had once done. He supposed it was more a pang of jealousy.
He wasn’t so much jealous that she was free to walk around, attend events, or even enjoy a stroll in the park without pointed stares. It was more the fact that Lady Abigail still held her innocent bliss that he once had. The joy of the season without the knowledge of what life was really like outside of the peerage.
He did figure that perhaps he had been too harsh on Lady Abigail. He was determined, as he went to his room to quickly freshen up and dress, to attempt to make a better impression on her this evening.
He wasn’t sure why it mattered so much to him that Lady Abigail thought better of him, but it was. Perhaps his goal to win over her favor would help bring back the part of him that he had lost over the last few years.
Lord Gilchrist did his best to be considerate and kind to his mother as they made the short ride over in the carriage. It still irritated him so that she would never look at him again.
He was torn with the turmoil of wondering what the cause was. Was Lady Gilchrist truly so disgusted by her own son’s face? Or was looking at the man who caused her beloved husband’s death unbearable?
Part of him wanted to berate the woman. Insist she forgive him for his crimes. He was, after all, her only son.
He knew that these feelings stemmed from his desire to relieve his own guilt. Perhaps, he thought, if his mother could love him despite his faults, he too would find a way to do so.
But for the most part, he sat in the carriage, silently contemplating his own disgust for himself. The earl didn’t think he had the right to desire forgiveness by his mother.
He had taken his own selfish course with no regard of the consequences. He was a horrible person who didn’t deserve the abundant life he lived.
If Lord Gilchrist was truly honest with himself, he wished he had never returned home from that fateful night that left him preeminently scared. At least then, he would not have to look into the faces of the ones he had let down.
“Everything will be wonderful,” Lady Louisa said from the seat next to him.
She laid her delicate gloved hand on top of his and patted it gently. It was something that he had often said and done to her. Lady Louisa was usually the one overcome with nerves when it came to social gatherings.
She had often feared misstepping or misspeaking. Worse was that many of the social events that they attended also include ladies who seemed to deem it necessary to persecute her for her average looks and meek personality.
In times past, he would sense her discomfort and give her the same words of encouragement. He looked over at her to see the smile on her thin lips. She was well aware of the memories that now played through the earl's mind.
He looked her over, seeing much of her for the first time since his return home. He had initially thought Louisa the same little sister he had left. Indeed, like himself, she had seen much sorrow since his departure and the result showed on her face.
There was, however, something else about her. It was an air of bravery. She seemed more confident now than how she had been in the past. Lord Gilchrist contemplated the origin of such change in his sister as they pulled up in front of the vast expanse of the Wintercrest house.