Once Lord Gilchrist had retired to his home, and was calm enough to see clearly, he felt ashamed of his action. He should never have raised his voice so, especially at Lady Abigail. It was just further proof to Gilchrist that he no longer had a place in society. He was just as ripped and torn on the inside as he was on the outside.
Over the next few days, his nightly dreams turned much darker than the ones he had before. It seemed every time he closed his eyes the only image that flashed before him was Lady Abigail’s horror-stricken face as he yelled at her and the tears she was holding as she turned away from his view.
He would never forgive himself for the way he had lost control of himself. Gilchrist was sure that Lady Abigail would never forgive him either. He was determined, from that moment on, not to leave the confines of his home for fear of another outburst.
The heightened stress of their meeting only seemed to make him more uncontrollable. So, it was with a deep despair that he determined he would never again leave the confines of his house in London, except to take the carriage back to his country seat.
When Gilchrist announced his departure to his mother and sister over dinner that night, they both argued against it. They would not have him run and hide himself away. Lady Louisa felt as if all her hard work to see her brother back to his old ways went for naught.
Gilchrist listened to their objections quietly, as he refused to lose his temper again.
“I appreciate how much you two care for me,” he said once they had both said their piece. “I have made up my mind. I will be leaving at the end of the month. I will meet with Mr. Henderson one last time before I go. I need to go over the necessary preparations.”
“Preparations? What for?” Lady Gilchrist squeaked, not sure if she could handle more news in one night.
“To see to the needs of our Virginia plantation.”
“No, Colton, please don’t go again,” Lady Louisa said with tears welling in her eyes.
“It will just be for a time. Mr. Henderson is much too old to make the journey anymore.”
“So hire another,” Lady Louisa encouraged. “Please do not leave.”
Gilchrist reached across the table and took his sister’s hand.
“I’m sorry, old girl,” he said softly. “This is something I just need to do. I can’t bear to be here any longer. I fear I will lose all of my sense if I am cooped up any longer, and I cannot bear to go out in the community.”
“Something you need to do,” Lady Louisa said, pulling her hand from her brother's grasp. “That is what you said last time.”
Before Gilchrist could say any more to ease his sister, she stood and removed herself from the room. In truth, he couldn’t blame her for her anger. He had told her the very same thing the last time he left. That had turned out to be disastrous for all of them.
He knew, however, that this was the right course for him. He needed distance. He needed space between him and an infuriatingly frustrating lady who could never love him as he loved her. He needed to escape the sideways glances and whispered words. More than anything else, he needed to remove the image of Lady Abigail from his mind. The only way he could see to do so would be to put the entire length of the ocean between them.
He was sure that, after that dinner, Louisa would go running to Isabella. She would be sure that either Isabella or the duke could sway his mind. In truth, the only person who could ask him to stay and have it hold weight in his heart would never do so.
However, he wouldn’t even risk the chance of it. Lady Abigail could ask him to stay merely upon the request of her sister-in-law and he wouldn’t be able to refuse her. Gilchrist knew he surely would go mad if he were to stay, though.
He would not be able to bear the sight of Lady Abigail in the company of Heshing. He was sure, after their last conversation, that she would not only include him more in her intimate circle, but most likely marry him.
He would not be able to stand by and watch as she gave her life over to such a horrible man. Moreover, she put such a little trust in him. If Gilchrist were to tell Lady Abigail what he knew to be true of Lord Heshing, she was sure to resent him more for it. This was indeed a thought that he couldn’t even handle.
Lady Abigail took quite some time to recover from her talk with Lord Gilchrist. She had never seen him so out of control of his own feelings, or so hurtful toward her. It affected her for many days after.
Of course, it didn’t help that from that moment on, Lord Gilchrist went out of his way to avoid her. Twice, Lady Abigail accompanied the duchess to visit with her dear friends. While she sat and spoke with Lady Louisa and her mother over tea, she secretly hoped that Lord Gilchrist would appear.
He did not leave his office for the entirety of every single one of her visits. It was most disconcerting to her. She desperately wanted to find a way to make amends with Gilchrist. He seemed to be so at odds with Lord Heshing that the mere fact that she had been developing a relationship with him was offensive to Gilchrist.
What troubled her most was not that there was a rift between her and a friend, but that she feared she might never see Gilchrist again. He certainly made a point to keep them from even looking upon each other, let alone having a conversation.
This was so vexing to Lady Abigail. During the few months of the season, even when she had misjudged him so, Gilchrist had become an essential fixture in her life. Now that she had gotten to know him better, she no longer saw the sour exterior that he seemed to turn to as a reflex.
Lady Abigail greatly missed the private conversations they held in his drawing room while making the mittens for the boys. She had felt so much closer to him than any other lord up until this point in her life. It was as if she had always been secretly holding a small portion of herself back from the opposite sex. With Lord Gilchrist, all her guards had come down and she had felt free to show her whole true self.
“Abigail, is everything alright?” Isabella asked one morning.
The ladies were preparing to leave to Lady Louisa’s home for the traditional weekly trip to the Foundling hospital. Abigail hadn’t much to show for herself since the last time they had gone to meet with the children. She had been far too weak from her illness.
However, she still had the basket-full of mittens that she didn't deliver last time. It was Lady Abigail’s greatest hope that today would be the day that she finally got a chance to speak with Lord Gilchrist.
“Nothing is bothering me,” Lady Abigail said suddenly, shaking herself out of her inner thoughts.
“Are you sure, dear?” Isabella looked on her with worry.
The ladies had just finished breakfast and were gathering in the drawing room before heading over. Isabella laid down the linen to which she was doing some last-minute fixes and stared at her sister-in-law intently.
“I’m fine. I have recovered,” Lady Abigail did her best to sound like her usual self.
“I am not entirely speaking of your illness,” the duchess responded, a little embarrassed. “I might have overheard the conversation between you and Colton. I never meant to,” she added hurriedly, “but these walls are very thin.”
“It’s alright. I am sure it would have been hard not to hear,” Lady Abigail said shooing away the duchess’s worry.
“I so wish there was something I could do to help,” Isabella said. “I am afraid I agree with Colton, however.”
“So, are you taking sides now?” Lady Abigail said, more exasperated than angry.
“It is not sides. We are just all worried about you, Abigail. I would hate for something bad to happen to you because I didn’t voice my concern.”
“And I have spent the most time with Lord Heshing over the last few months, far more than any of you. Does that mean you question my judgment? That I am not able to discern when someone is being dishonorable? I can promise you that Heshing has been the perfect gentleman, with no signs of any character folly.”
“I do believe you,” Isabella said, taking a hand and placing it on top of Lady Abigail’s. “However, I know that sometimes,” she struggled to find the words, “the face a man shows to the ones he cares for is sometimes his best. He keeps the dark parts of him deeply hidden.”
“I wish I could change your mind about him,” Lady Abigail said.
She cared for her sister-in-law as much as any other member of her family. She deeply wished she could find a way for them all to come together somehow and find peace again.
“I sincerely hope you can,” Isabella said with a soft smile.