Abigail lay contently asleep next to her husband for the first time since their marriage. She was happy and comfortable in his arms. She never thought she could have felt so right in all her life.
Slipping an arm around her husband, she snuggled against him before drifting back to sleep.
Colton was struggling to see through the fog. No, it wasn’t fog but smoke. It was thick black choking smoke. He could scarcely breathe. He was wandering in the dark heat not really knowing why. All he knew was that he was searching for someone, although he had no idea who.
Finally, he could see a clearing in the smoke before him. Colton made his way desperate for the fresh air it would bring. His body felt like it was searing inside and out. Through the smoke, he saw the outline of a figure in the clearing.
His eyes burned and blurred with tears. It was hard to make the person out. He called out a few times. Whoever it was, maybe they needed help to escape. He hoped that making his way to the clearing and the figure would also lead to his way out of this dark hot place.
Colton froze in his tracks when he finally reached the small pocket of fresh air and saw the person standing before him.
It was his father, only not how Colton had ever seen him before. His eyes were sunken in and surrounded by dark circles. His once light filled face was now drawn and dull. He reached a hand out that looked more skeletal then human.
“Colton,” a hollowed voice called out to him.
In a blink of an eye, the figure was now standing a hair away from him. His father’s arm wrapped around him and gripped him tightly. Colton struggled against the unearthly strength of his father.
“Why?” his father said completely calm even though Colton struggled against him. “Why did you do this to me?”
Colton summoned all the strength he had and burst from his father’s grip sending him soaring away and back into the smoke. Colton woke to the sound of his own voice screaming as he sat bolt upright in bed.
He was drenched in sweat and disoriented. He realized it was not just his voice alone that had screamed. He looked around remembering what had transpired that night.
He leaned over the bed not daring to look at what he was sure he would find there. Sure enough, a stunned Abigail who had been thrown from the bed struggled to untangle herself from the blankets that had followed her.
“Colton! What happened?” she asked both shocked and still not fully awake.
Colton slid from the bed to help Abigail up. He felt so ashamed. Not only had Abigail heard his embarrassing, childish nightmare, but she had also been physically harmed by his actions in it.
“Abigail are you alright?” he asked still breathless from it all. “I am so sorry. I never meant to…I promise I won’t ever let this happen to you again,” Colton struggled to say as he helped unwind her from the fabric.
“It’s alright Colton,” She said coming to stand.
Though he was mortified to touch her again, it was plain to see that Abigail was weak in the knees still, so he wrapped a steadying hand around her waist.
“I should go. I should have never done this,” he waved to the room around him.
"Go? What are you talking about?” Abigail retorted.
Both of them could not see much, and they seemed to be feeling one other in the darkness to check for injuries.
“Let us return to bed, my love,” she continued. “It was just a bad dream. No harm was done.”
“No harm?” Colton spat back pulling her away from him to arm's length. “I could have hurt you. I never wished you to see how broken I truly am. I am so sorry for that. I won't let the dangers of my splintered mind endanger you.”
She tugged on his hand now and tried to ease him back to the bed. Colton wouldn’t move from his place. This was truly his greatest fear and why he kept himself so far removed from anyone else.
“Come,” Abigail cooed again as if she were calming a skittish animal. “Lay down, and we will both catch our breath. Please, don’t shut me out again,” Abigail added in a pleading tone.
Colton softened at her words. The adrenaline that was pumping through his veins had finally begun to lessen and he felt like the sting in his lungs from the dream was dissipating.
He sat down on the bed still keeping a hold on her two hands. He took a deep breath and let it all out again.
Abigail came and sat down next to him. She gave him a few moments as he collected himself.
“Perhaps,” Abigail said, “it might help if you told me. Whatever is bothering you is too much of a burden to take alone. Share it with me and together we can find a way through it.”
He looked over at his wife in the darkness. They had yet to light a candle, and for the most part, he could see nothing but an outline of her frame. Reaching up, he grabbed one of the long locks of her hair that had spread around her shoulders. He didn’t have to see it to picture the copper shine that glittered in the light with every movement.
Colton had no desire to burden her with the guilt that was bursting to come out of him and of the nightmares that plagued him constantly.
Abigail was patient as she waited for Colton to speak. She remembered the advice of her brother all those months ago. She knew that there was no fast way to help Colton overcome his demons as Isabella and Louisa had hoped for. Instead, he needed time, and he needed someone to share his burden with.
She was ready to be that one if he was prepared to share it. Abigail was trying to settle herself on the fact that he might not be ready for this step. If that was the case, she only hoped that he would not once again shut her out and away from him.
“Remember that I told you my father was against my commission,” Colton finally said softly as he continued to feel the silky smooth lock in his hand.
“Yes,” Abigail encouraged just as soft.
“He wasn’t just unhappy about my choice, but admittedly against it. I more or less blackmailed him into putting on a front of support.”
“You wouldn’t do that,” Abigail retorted.
“I did. I told Father that it was in my mother's best interest that he go along with my announcement. My mother was always his weakness. He cared for her so dearly. And so he did as I asked.”
Colton took another long sigh and removed his hand from Abigail’s hair to rub his chin. Abigail could hear the sound of his palm against the rough stubble already growing along his square jaw.
“When I was injured, at first they didn’t think I was going to make it. In all honesty, I probably shouldn’t have. The stress of it all, well it killed my father. I killed my father.”
“Why would you think that,” Abigail said shocked with the revelation. “No one else believes the same.”
“My mother does.”
“She would never say such a thing. She was so excited to have you home. I can’t imagine she would ever hold such irrational responsibly on you for your father’s death.”
“She may not have said the words, but she didn’t have to. I can see it clearly in her eyes. She holds me to blame for the loss of her husband."
"I lost so many over the years I was fighting. Men under my command. The boy whom I was meant to see safely from the surgeon. That kind of guilt I think I can manage, but the added knowledge that I have taken my own father’s life is too much. It was the last life I took and the one that broke me.”
“You are not broken, to begin with,” Abigail said with a determined tone.
“Abigail,” he said with a huff of disappointment in himself. “Look at what I just did. If that is not the mind of a man destined for Bedlam, then I am not sure I know what is.”
Abigail scooted closer to her husband so that they were right next to each other on the bed. She lifted his left hand, not caring a whit for the scars, and kissed it softly.
“I promise you, you are not broken,” she repeated, this time softer.
Abigail laid her head softly on her husband’s shoulder and sighed in contentment. Her heart was breaking from the turmoil inside of Colton, but at the same time, she was relieved that he had in fact opened up to her instead of running away as he so often did.
“Your mother loves you and doesn’t hold you responsible. But I fear it is your own heart that needs to let go of the guilt for the situations you weren’t able to control.”
“And if I can’t? What if I am this way forever? Are you sure you can bear to be around such a monster?”
Abigail smiled against her husband's shoulder. After the night she shared with him, she was confident she would die if she were ever to be separated from him.
“You may call yourself a monster if you wish, but I don’t see you that way. You are my husband and my love. I will stay by your side always whether you want me there or not.”
Colton smiled down at the tenacious lady at his side. He lowered his lips and kissed her softly on top of her head.
“I will never know how I got so lucky as to trick you into marrying me,” Colton whispered against her hair.