Lord Gilchrist hated to admit it, but he was actually enjoying his time knitting. It helped pass the time as he sat alone in his quarters. As well as that, as he kept his hands busy, it made it harder for his mind to stray.
So often, when left alone to thought, his mind turned to memories he would rather not remember.
He had done significantly more work than Lady Abigail. He smiled, realizing that this women’s work was truly not a strong suit for her. She seemed so confident in everything she did and said, it was nice to know that she was not entirely perfect.
Gilchrist couldn’t help but have his mind wander to her on the days she didn’t come by and anticipate her arrival on the days she did. He was finding that the more time he spent thinking about her, the less likely he was to snap at a servant or even have nightmares.
Somehow, the simple afternoons they had shared together had brought about a change in him that he honestly didn’t think was ever possible.
She had been true to her word that she did not fear his scars. In fact, he was sure the last time she came over, she didn’t even so much as notice them.
He never thought a time would come when a lady could look at him and at least not struggle to keep in a recoil. It gave him a flicker of hope.
He realized that this meant that he was developing feelings for her. It was a stupid notion and if he could have plucked it from his brain, he would have gladly done so.
Lady Abigail was a bright, beautiful, vivacious lady. There was no way that she would settle herself to be the beauty of such a ghastly monster.
He, after all, was no more whole on the inside than he was on the outside. Though he felt he had improved some, it was not enough to trust himself around others. He feared that one day his outbursts might spiral out of control in Lady Abigail’s presence. He would never be able to forgive himself for such an atrocity.
Sadly, once the idea had entered his head, it seemed to take root, and he could think of nothing else. He spent his long days of solitude thinking about what he would say to her next, how he might try to make her slip into one of her soft smiles.
Although he knew she would never care for him in return, he did his best to settle in the fact that, even if it was just for a short while, he could enjoy a friendship with the lady.
A soft knock on the door broke his concentration and he quickly hid his knitting needles in a desk drawer. He bade the visitor enter, expecting it to be a footman.
“Colton, are you busy?” his sister’s voice called from the other side of the door as she cracked it open.
“No, not at all. Just doing some paperwork for the Plantation,” he said as he shuffled random papers on his desk.
“How was your meeting with Mr. Henderson? I feel like we never talk anymore,” Lady Louisa said, coming into the room and taking a seat across from her brother’s desk.
“It was most edifying. I learned much about the investment that I never knew. In fact,” Gilchrist hesitated a moment, “Mr. Henderson suggested I visit the plantation myself.”
“He did?” Lady Louisa said with a scared expression.
“And do you think you will go?” She added when she had adequately gauged her reaction.
Lady Louisa did not want her brother traveling far away again any more than she wanted him to stay shut in his office. What she truly wished for was that things would go back to the way they were before he had left.
However, she was starting to realize that was never going to be the case. Although she would not want Colton to travel such a great distance and be away for another extended period of time, it would be preferable to the life he chose for himself now.
“I’m not entirely sure yet,” Gilchrist said, leaning back in his chair.
He scratched the soft golden stubble that had already started to dust the one side of his jawline. It no longer grew on the other side among the torn and healed flesh.
“It seems like an interesting idea. Mr. Henderson also informed me that things are certainly laxer in the budding country. Less pressure and social rules.”
“You wouldn’t stay, though, would you?” Lady Louisa asked, much in the tone of a fearful little sister.
“I don't even know if I will go,” he said softly to ease her worry.
That being said, Gilchrist also didn’t want to give his sister a definitive answer. Perhaps he would go and stay. It might be the fresh start he needed to revamp his life and bring some normalcy back to it.
“I am sure this is not the reason you came to see me, though, dear sister. What is it that I can do for you so that I may spare you looking on my garish figure any longer than necessary?”
Though Lady Louisa did better than most in hiding her discomfort, it was still visible there in her soft, brown doe eyes.
“I only fear for the pain you suffer,” she said in response to her short fallings to not see his scars.
“They don’t pain me much at all,” the earl said, though it was not the truth.
“Well, I came in hopes that you would join again mother and me for dinner tonight. We don’t have any guests. It will just be our small family.”
“I really don’t feel that to be a good idea, Louisa,” Lord Gilchrist said, leaning forward with each hand on the desk. “I fear it is too upsetting for Mother.”
“It is more upsetting for her to have you gone.”
The Earl of Gilchrist gave Lady Louisa a look like he highly doubted her words to be the truth.
“It’s true,” she said in as much earnest as she had. “She is wracked with guilt that you now avoid leaving this room because of her weak constitution. She feels so awful at the site of your injuries.”
“Of course she does,” the earl said softly. He instead thought her weak constitution could not bear to look at the outward monster that had ended the life of her husband.
“It is only because she feels the pain you feel,” Lady Louisa continued. “She mourns for her child that suffered great amounts that she cannot remove from him.”
Lord Gilchrist was surprised at Lady Louisa’s words. First of all, it was not at all why he had considered his mother unable to look upon him. For another, he had never contemplated the pain a mother must feel when her child suffered.
It seemed that Lady Louisa’s words were wiser beyond her years. For the second time in a short period, he realized how much his little sister had grown in his absence. She had positively been the glue that kept her mother and father together while he was gone.
He didn’t want to put any more weight on her shoulders than necessary. If she felt it would bring peace to their mother that should join the family for their evening meals, he would at least try it once for Lady Louisa’s sake.
“If it will make you happy,” he said with a huff as he sat back in his high-backed chair.
“It will make both of us happy,” Lady Louisa corrected.
She hesitated before getting up to leave. Picking at a ruffle in the cream-colored morning dress she still wore, she looked at her brother as if her eyes might penetrate his thoughts.
“You have spent much time with Lady Abigail this week,” she said as casually as possible.
The Earl of Gilchrist huffed air out. Though he wasn’t prepared, he had expected his sister to ask as much eventually.
“I’ve already told you, it is for a project regarding the boy’s school.”
“I know that is what you say, dear brother, but I wonder if the words are true?”
Lord Gilchrist faked offense.
“Are you imputing my honor?” he asked.
“I would never dream of doing so,” Lady Louisa said, hearing his old humor again.
“We used to tell each other everything,” she added by way of gleaning more out of him.
“I am afraid I have nothing more to tell you. I am surprised to say that I have enjoyed Lady Abigail’s company, but there is nothing beyond that.”
“Well, if there was, I might warn you that she has other eyes on her. You might want to make your move soon or miss the chance.”
“I will try to keep that in mind in the future. You are a dear for looking out for me, but even if I did have more than just friendship in mind, you forget the lady would need to feel the same.”
“Lady Abigail cares not for surface appearance. She is a lady of most pure honor that only sees the heart,” Lady Louisa spoke of her best’s friend’s sister-in-law.
Lord Gilchrist reflected on these words as he dressed for dinner that night. It was correct of all the people he had been around, he was finding himself most comfortable with Lady Abigail. It was no doubt because she indeed cared about the inward appearance more than the outward.
But he also knew she would deserve better than the life he was destined to lead. He would not subject her to such a path, especially if she had other prospects, as Lady Louisa had mentioned.