Quinn
It feels like a tornado has swept through my life and wiped away every trace of happiness.
It left devastation behind. Everything that added color to my life is gone, and I’m left with this gray wasteland. Just gray. Nothing else.
It’s feels like white noise that blocks out all the sounds around me. It’s driving me insane. It’s as if the gray is telling me to shut up, that the world has had enough of me.
I have to go back to Roy’s house. I need to pick out a suit for him and a dress for Mrs. Douglas. They’re family will arrive tomorrow. It’s the soonest they can be here so it’s up to me to handle things on this side for the funerals until they can take over. The police haven’t released their bodies yet. Right now we need to get everything in place so we can have the funerals as soon as they are released.
I have nothing left in me. No fight, no will – just nothing.
I want to stay in my bed and let the gray take me to wherever Roy is, praying the pain and insanity won’t follow.
I sit on the edge of my bed and rock myself. The constant movement is soothing. People have been coming and going. I see their faces when they bring food, when they offer their condolences and tell me to be strong, but I can’t bring myself to actually absorb their words. I wish they would stop.
They want me to talk. They want me to smile and go on with my life.
I can’t. My mind is flooded with chaotic madness. I can’t focus on anything, because focusing will lead to feeling.
When that bomb was dropped on Hiroshima, the world came to a standstill. But since then, the world has moved on while the devastation stayed behind. It’s been four days since my life was blown to pieces. I can’t give people what they want. I can’t pretend while everything around me is radioactive and eating away at me like cancer.
I haven’t slept since I woke up in the hospital. When I close my eyes, I see Roy dying. I see Steve’s horrid face. I see Eli dying and there’s nothing I can do to save either of them.
I know he made it and I’m thankful, but at the same time, it feels like I still lost him.
My shadow is gone.
It’s better that way. Eli got shot because of me. I called him.
I cringe away from the shadows looming in the dark corners of my mind, threatening to assault me mercilessly.
I can’t bring myself to shatter the silence I’ve spun around myself. I’m trying to hold onto the imaginary world I’ve managed to create for myself. A world where this nightmare isn’t real.
“She’s still not talking, Eli,” Mrs. Jackson says, sounding worried.
She’s been using Eli’s set of keys, checking in on me every day. I didn’t know Eli got released.
I should care that I’m making her worry, but I can’t bring myself to feel anything.
“It looks like she’s lost touch with reality. I don’t know what’s worse, Roy and Mrs. Douglas dying, or seeing her like this. She needs to see someone. We need to get her help.”
My cocoon of calmness shatters the minute Eli walks into my room.
Eli! I’m so sorry. My mind screams the words, but my dry lips refuse to form them.
When our eyes meet, I feel sick. The problem is that I feel something for the first time since I woke up.
Regret. Guilt. Shame.
Each feeling grinds the shattered pieces of my life to dust.
I want to scream to let it out. I want to claw at my aching chest to let the pain out. But I can’t bring myself to move.
When Eli kneels in front of me and I see the flash of pain on his face, I feel torn in two. I want to flinch away from him and the memories of that night, but he’s my best friend.
I want to reach out to him, to feel him beneath my fingertips and make sure he’s real.
I love him but where it used to be something beautiful, it now makes me feel ashamed that I dare love another man while my fiancé is dead.
The worry in his eyes makes me feel worse. He was there. He saw what they did. He saw how weak I was and it’s that very weakness that almost cost him his life.
I should never have called you. I’m sorry. I never wanted you to get hurt.
I wish the words would come out, but they just slam against the bruised walls of my mind.
“Mom says you need to go get some clothes for Roy and Mrs. Douglas?” Eli’s asks softly.
He’s not impatient like some of the other people have been. Their frustration with me is understandable. After all, I’m not the one who died. I’m a survivor and I should be thankful for that.
They don’t know what to do with me, how to help. They have their own loss and grief to deal with. The whole town lost Roy and Mrs. Douglas, not just me.
They know nothing of what happened that horrible night. They don’t know how sick I feel. They didn’t look into Roy’s eyes as the life faded from them. They didn’t smell the sickly stench of the men. They didn’t hear the screams.
I can’t face going back there. The thought shudders through me, making my skin tingle painfully.
I force myself to nod. My eyes meet Eli’s again and I have a flashback of when he fought Clint. I saw what he was capable of doing. I saw what lurked beneath his skin. That’s not what scared me.
Watching his blood stain the ground scared me.
I hear those gunshots over and over. They keep echoing through my mind.
I now only have one fear and it’s paralyzing me – losing Eli.
“Do you want me to go?” he asks, as if he can actually read the words in my eyes.
No! No, you can’t go back there. What if Steve’s there? What if he kills you this time?
He must feel the panic that’s coming off me in waves, because he comes to sit next to me on the bed. He starts to reach for my face and I scoot away. I can’t have him touch me. Whenever someone touches me, I feel Steve’s filthy hands. Repulsion shudders through me and when I see the hurt in Eli’s eyes, I look down.
It’s not you.
I’m not your sunshine anymore.
This darkness has swallowed me whole and I don’t want it tainting you.
Tears burn behind my eyes, but they refuse to fall. It feels like my body has shut down every possible way for me to express how I feel. It’s keeping it all inside that’s ripping me apart.
Eli drops his hand and takes a deep breath.
“If we go to the house, we won’t be alone. The sheriff has Brayden and Connor watching us.” He hesitates before he says, “They haven’t caught Steve yet.”
The name burns like hot coals through me. It leaves a scorching trail over my open wounds.
My fingers twitch as the urge to grab Eli overwhelms me. I want to shake him and scream at him to run, to leave this place.
I close my eyes and focus on the gray nothing until I feel the panic retreat.
My legs feel numb when I force them to move. I blink against the dizziness, knowing that I have no choice but to go get the clothes. I owe it to Roy and Mrs. Douglas.
Eli rises to his full length and it makes me start to walk. I feel sluggish.
Mrs. Jackson is standing outside my room, and she looks at me with so much understanding it makes me want to run to her. Not once has she offered me false smiles and promises that everything will be okay. She’s just been there.
When Eli gets close to me, I shuffle to her side.
You need to keep Eli away from me. You need to protect your son. Steve will come back and this time he’ll finish the job.
I start to reach out to her and she quickly takes hold of my hand. I hold it in a painful grip, willing her to hear my pleas.
“Eli, you just got released from the hospital. Let me drop you off at home. I’ll stay with Quinn.”
I can’t turn around to see his reaction and instead inch closer to Mrs. Jackson. My pain reflects in her eyes. It’s like she knows exactly what I’m feeling. She sees the darkness because it lives in her too.
“Okay, but please let me know when you get there and when you leave. Don’t let her out of your sight. Keep Brayden and Connor with you all the time. They’re there to keep you safe.”
“We will.” Mrs. Jackson places an arm around me. “Let’s pack a bag before we leave. Come stay with us. No one will bother you there.”
Hearing that she’ll stop the people from coming makes me nod.
She helps me pack. When we leave the house, she walks between Eli and me. When I get into the backseat, she closes the door and says something to Eli that I can’t hear.
Even though he nods, I can see he’s not happy with what she said.
It’s better this way. He needs to be protected from me and the only people who can do that are Mr. and Mrs. Jackson.
When we stop outside Roy’s house, it looks totally different from when I last saw it. It’s still the same house, same garden, but it has a barren feel to it.
The sheriff’s car pulls up behind us and I’m relieved to see that they’re getting out. Only when we walk toward the house do I notice the police tape. Connor opens a piece for us so we can walk through.
When we get closer to the front door my legs grow heavy, moving slower with each step.
Mrs. Jackson pulls me to her right side and it’s only then I see the blood stain on the ground. I close my eyes as a wave of pain and guilt slam into me.
Eli.
Mr. Jackson’s face pops into my mind and I see his tears. I’ll never forget the look of fear and anguish on his distraught face while he was holding Eli.
Somehow, I make it inside the house. It feels as if I’m outside my body. My actions are robotic as I walk to Mrs. Douglas’ room. I open her closet and take a lavender outfit from it. I’ve seen her wear it a lot.
There’s blood on the plush carpet, once again reminding me of how I failed Eli. I step around it and rush to Roy’s room to get away from my guilty conscience.
When I open Roy’s closet, my heart shrinks until there’s nothing left of it. His scent overwhelms me and the sight of all his clothes is crushing.
Mrs. Jackson reaches past me and takes a suit from the closet.
“He’ll look handsome in this one,” she whispers.
I can’t even nod. The urge to run from this horror-filled place bites at my heels.
Just before we reach the front door, I start to walk towards Mrs. Douglas’ sewing room. I don’t know why I want to see it. Maybe it’s because I want to see the work we did together and cling to that happy memory.
I walk into the room and a silent scream falters on my lips. Until this moment, I never thought about how she died. There are bloody marks on the walls and floors, as if she was clawing at them to get away from her murderer. The white material is covered with drops of blood, and it’s a stark reality of what happened.
Nausea hardens my stomach until it’s a burning ache. Every good memory I have of them blackens to ash that threatens to suffocate the life out of me.
“Let’s go,” Mrs. Jackson whispers. She takes my hand and pulls me from the house.
It’s the day of the funeral. My eyes burn from not sleeping. My mind feels as if it’s been stretched thin and it will snap at any moment. It’s still early when I walk out onto the porch. I look in the direction of Eli’s house but I can’t see it through the trees.
“Would you like some coffee?” Mr. Jackson asks from my left.
He’s sitting so still in the corner, I didn’t see him.
I shake my head, unable to eat or drink anything right now.
“Take a walk with me,” he says. He gets up and walks down the stairs. He doesn’t wait to see if I’ll come but for some reason I -follow anyway.
When we reach the beach, he stops. I stand next to him, not really taking in the sounds or sights around me.
“I was going to marry Leah,” he starts to whisper and I’m actually surprised. Mr. Jackson is not a big talker.
I glance up at him. There are no emotions on his face. Eli looks just like his father, only Mr. Jackson’s features are harder and more unforgiving. He used to scare me in the beginning, but with time, I felt more at ease around him.
“She was hanged.”
The words shudder through me. Air rushes into my lungs and my eyes meet Mr. Jackson’s. He looks at me and I get the same feeling I always get when Eli looks at me, like they can see so deep inside of me and that no secret is safe.
“My father was a bastard. He took a sick pleasure in hurting those around him. He knew I loved Leah. He knew that going after her would hurt me most. I never got the proof but I know he killed her.”
Why are you telling me this?
The words are a faint whisper in the back of my mind.
“I blamed myself, Quinn. That guilt ate away at me over the years until nothing but bitterness and hatred remained. I don’t want that for you. Nina’s love saved me because I was too weak to save myself.” I want to hug him, but I can’t bring myself to touch him. “Don’t push Eli away. If you love my son the way I know you do, then let him in. Let him help you find your way back.”
It will be wrong to love Eli. I look away so he won’t see the words in my eyes.
“Just because I love Nina, doesn’t mean I never loved Leah.”
I nod and as we walk back I keep thinking over everything Mr. Jackson said.
Before we reach the house, my hand darts out and I grab his arm. The action shocks me. He turns to me and his eyes scan over my face.
My breaths start coming faster until they’re racing over my lips.
His arms come around me like steel bands and he hugs me. There’s no repulsion, just the crushing pain of losing two people I loved, and the fear of losing Eli.
I bury my face in Mr. Jackson’s chest and I wish I could cry. I wish I could scream and rage until the madness empties out of me.
“I’m scared,” I rasp. Once the first words leave me the rest just bubble over my lips. “I’m scared I’ll get Eli killed too. I’m scared Steve will come back and this time he’ll kill Eli.”
Mr. Jackson pulls back and his strong hands frame my face. His lips are set in a determined line.
“That won’t happen, Quinn.”
“How do you know?” I ask, wishing I felt the same conviction as him.
“Because I’m going to find Steve and I’m going to kill him.”
We stare at each other as the words sink in.
“Can you do that?” I ask, but I already know the answer.
“A father will do anything for his son. You’ll be surprised at what I can do.”
I feel a flicker of hope. It quickly morphs into a desire for vengeance, a need to eliminate the threat from my life.
“Can you show me?” I whisper.
He stares at me long and hard. Scared that he won’t want to help me, I say, “I didn’t do enough, Mr. Jackson. I didn’t try hard enough. I didn’t fight hard enough. Maybe if I had fought harder, I could have saved Roy and Mrs. Douglas. If I had been braver, I wouldn’t have phoned Eli. He wouldn’t have been shot. Please show me so when it happens again, I’m able to fight back.”
“I taught Eli everything I know. Go to him. Quinn.”
I nod, feeling disappointed that Mr. Jackson won’t teach me.
“Eli needs you. He’s in pain too.”
He’s right. I force my lips into a smile. “Thank you, Mr. Jackson.”
He gives my shoulder a squeeze. “You’re family, Quinn. We look after our own.”
I nod and swallow at the tears that are constantly burning behind my eyes.
I start to walk towards Eli’s house, not knowing what I’ll do when I get there. I can’t make myself knock on his door so I sit down on the porch steps, thinking about what I’ll say once I have the guts to knock.
I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting in front of Eli’s house when the door opens behind me. He sits down next to me and stares out over the trees.
I look at him and my eyes are instantly drawn to the bandage on his side. He’s only wearing a pair of jeans. He must’ve showered because his hair is still wet. I wonder who has been helping him with the dressing, and feel bad for not being there for him.
I open my mouth to say something but no words come out, and it thickens the silence around us.
I close my eyes and get up. I should go get ready for the funeral. I start to walk away but I only make it a few steps before something explodes inside of me. It feels like a vacuum that’s sucking all the air from my lungs. A strangled sound escapes my lips and I turn around. I run back to Eli where he’s standing on the porch. He opens his arms just before I slam into him. Dry cries tear through me, but there are no tears to ease the burn.
Eli wraps his arms around me and holds me tightly. Right now his strength is keeping me from crumbling to nothing at his feet. His hand slips into my hair and cradles me against his bare chest.
The heat of his skin seeps into the coldest depths of my soul.
I wrap my arms around him and close my eyes. His presence envelops me and it soothes me.
“You’re no longer my shadow,” I whisper against his skin. “You’re my sunshine.”
He pulls back and looks down at me with the same understanding I always see in Mrs. Jackson’s eyes.
“I’ll be anything you need me to be, Quinn. You won’t stay in the shadows for long.”
“I need …” I struggle to form the words, but push through. “Teach me the way your dad taught you.”
He frowns and brings his hands to my face. His fingers trail over my cheeks, and he frames my face.
“Teach you what?”
“How to kill him.”
His hands slip away from me and he takes a step back. His eyes pin me to the spot and I don’t bother trying to hide my feelings. Maybe if he sees the guilt and agony, he’ll help me.
He takes a deep breath and says, “We’ll take care of Steve. Dad already has a lead on where he might be hiding.”
I shake my head and rush forward. “No, Eli. I need to do it. I need to hurt him the way he hurt you. I need to kill him the same way he killed Roy.”
Sadness washes over Eli’s face and for the first time he looks vulnerable.
“Quinn, you’ve been through so much already. Let me take care of this for you.”
I lift my hand to his cheek and he leans into my touch.
“I love you, Eli Jackson. I have to bury Roy and Mrs. Douglas today. I’ve already lost them to that monster. When he shot you, I thought I’d lost you too, and it drove me insane. I have to do this. I called you, Eli. I made you come to that house. If I knew how to fight, that wouldn’t have happened. I know you can protect me, but I’m asking you to give me the strength to protect myself. I won’t call you next time. I won’t risk your life again.”
He covers my hand with his and closes his eyes. His other hand slips around the back of my neck and he pulls me closer.
He rests his forehead against mine and says, “I’ll teach you on two conditions.”
“Anything.”
“Move in here where I can protect you until you’re ready. I can’t fucking sleep. I need to know you’re safe.”
I nod because I wasn’t lying. Right now I’ll do anything so I can kill Steve.
“When you’re ready we do it my way. You don’t go after him on your own. I’ll talk to Dad and Ethan and the three of us will be there.”
I clench my jaw with frustration.
“Those are my conditions, Quinn,” he says with finality.
“Fine,” I lie just to put him at ease. There is no way I’m risking any of the Jackson men. Once I’m ready I’ll go after Steve before they can plan something else.