I woke up on Seth’s couch feeling tired and sore and distinctly uncomfortable. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and headed to the bathroom, hoping that a hot shower would make me feel a little more like myself. I spent a good twenty minutes in the tub, pushing water around with my hand, wondering when the pain in my chest would subside.

I got dressed slowly, tied my hair up in a high ponytail and then stared at myself in the mirror for a moment. I looked almost normal… but there were little differences. There were dark circles around my eyes; my cheeks looked a little sunken in and I looked a little paler than usual. I splashed more cold water on my face and slapped my cheeks, but it didn’t improve my sallow countenance much.

I went to the kitchen and found Seth in there popping French toast onto a plate on the table. There were sausages, eggs, baked beans, bacon and the brand of store-bought orange juice that I liked.

“What’s all this?” I asked, looking at the set table in amazement.

“I thought you could use a special breakfast,” Seth said. “Especially after the night you had.”

I was touched, and even though I had absolutely no appetite, I sat down at the table and poured myself a glass of orange juice.

“Thank you,” I said softly. “This is really… just thanks.”

“Of course, little sis,” Seth replied.

“Shouldn’t you be at work though?” I asked.

“I got Antony to cover my shift today,” Seth told me. “I thought it was more important that I stay in and spend the morning with you.”

I smiled. “You really are an amazing brother.”

“No arguments there.”

I laughed, but the sound came out sounding weird, so I stopped.

“How about some French toast?” Seth asked, pushing the plate towards me.

“Uh… in a minute,” I said. “I’m not very hungry at the moment.”

Seth nodded with understanding, and I could tell he was worried about me. I could feel his eyes land on me every few seconds, wondering if I was going to crumble into a bawling mess at any moment.

“I’m ok,” I said, trying to reassure him.

“Are you really?” he asked, with obvious doubt in his voice.

“No,” I admitted. “But I will be.”

“Of course you will be,” Seth said. “You’re the strongest person I know.”

I looked at him in surprise. “I’m the strongest person you know?” I asked, in disbelief.

Seth smiled. “Yes you are,” he nodded. “Does that shock you?”

“Um, yeah!” I nodded.

Seth laughed. “You grew up without a father, and you didn’t let it destroy you. You grew up without a lot of things that other kids took for granted and it only made you work harder. You went to college, you got your degree, and you didn’t turn to any vices to help you get through the difficult times.”

I smiled. “When you say it like that, I sound pretty cool.”

“You’ve always been cool,” Seth said. “You just haven’t realized that yet.”

“And all this praise has nothing to do with making me feel better because the love of my life got busted for pushing drugs?”

Seth smiled. “I won’t deny I’m trying to make you feel better,” he responded. “But that doesn’t mean anything I’ve just said is a lie. Honestly… I’ve always admired you, Zo. You’re my little sister, but in many ways, you’re so much more mature than I am and you’re much smarter.”

I sighed and looked down. “I don’t feel very smart,” I admitted. “I had no clue, Seth. I believed him completely. I believed that he was a firefighter; I believed that he was completely honest with me… I believed every single thing he told me.”

“That’s what you’re supposed to do with the people you love,” Seth said. “This is not on you… this is on him.”

I took a sip of orange juice, but I barely registered the taste of it. My mind was too focused on everything that had happened the night before. It had been hard to see Devlin sitting there, knowing that he would have to face another court session to determine his fate. A part of me still wanted to be there for him, but I was too hurt and too upset even to go there. He had betrayed my trust… a second time and I felt as though I had run out of chances to give him.

“Seth?”

“Hmm?”

“What was he like… in the station?” I asked.

“What do you mean?” Seth asked.

“I mean… did he seem like a decent guy?” I asked. “Was he arrogant or indifferent or uncaring? Did he work hard or was he just biding time because he was forced to be there?”

Seth cocked his head to the side and thought about his answer for a while. “Honestly… I thought he was a genuinely decent guy,” Seth admitted, and I felt just a little better even though it really shouldn’t have mattered to me at this point. “He was out of place in the station… mostly because the guys were always hard on him, but he kept his head down and got the work done… and he got the work done well.

“I kind of felt bad for the guy to be honest,” Seth continued. “He reminded me a little of myself… back when I was using. He seemed a little lost and very lonely. I tried to be something of a mentor to him, but obviously, I didn’t do a very good job.”

“It wasn’t you,” I said. “Devlin’s always been passionate about his work… I think he felt that dealing was the only way he could earn enough money to keep him afloat while he concentrated on his art.”

“Sometimes you’ve got to make a choice,” Seth said. “Even if it means sacrificing something you love.”

“I just wish… he would have been honest with me,” I said. “Do you know, I’m madder that he lied to me than the fact that he was dealing.”

“Understandable,” Seth nodded. “It’s amazing to me that he thought he could keep this secret from you indefinitely. I mean you were living with him. Did he really think you wouldn’t notice that he was selling drugs… at some point?”

“Not indefinitely,” I said. “He claims that the night he got caught was his last deal.”

“And do you believe that?” Seth asked, looking dubious.

“I want to believe that,” I admitted. “I desperately want to believe that, but it sounds too… convenient doesn’t it?”

“It does,” Seth agreed.

“It’s hard to reconcile the man I know… or at least the man I thought I knew with the man who’s behind bars right now.”

“They held him overnight?” Seth asked.

“Actually no… his father bailed him out,” I admitted. “It took some convincing, but he finally agreed to post bail.”

“And you convinced Devlin’s father to do that for him?” Seth asked.

“I had to. I didn’t have the money to do it myself, and Devlin didn’t either,” I explained. “His parents were the only ones I could turn to, and I was already at their house. I took a shot.”

“But why?” Seth asked. “I mean… he lied to you. He broke all his promises to you… why go through all that trouble for him?”

“Because I love him, Seth,” I said. “That those feelings… well, you can’t just turn them on and off like a faucet. Finding out he lied to me doesn’t make me stop loving him… it just makes me hurt.”

Seth sighed. “I’m sorry, Zo… you deserve better.”

“That’s what Devlin said to me too when I spoke to him last night at the station,” I told Seth. “He seemed… broken somehow. He was different… more sober and serious and filled with… I don’t know what exactly. He told me he knew I had come to break up with him and he thought I was making the right decision.”

“Wow,” Seth said.

“What?”

“He let you go without a fight,” Seth said. “He decided to take the noble route.”

I sighed. “I guess…”

“He loves you.”

“I know that,” I nodded. “It’s weird…”

“What is?”

“He’s lied so much to me over the course of our whole relationship,” I said. “And yet… I still don’t doubt that he loves me. Somehow I can’t bring myself to believe that that was ever a lie.”

“You’re lucky in that at least,” he said. “I’ve never been in love.”

“Never?”

“It’s not as common as you think,” Seth said. “People think they’re in love all the time… it doesn’t mean you are.”

“No, I suppose not,” I said. “Seth…?”

“Yes?”

“Does that make me a fool… for walking away from something… amazing?”

“I can’t possibly say, Zo,” Seth said seriously. “That’s for you to say, not me.”

I shook my head. “I can’t,” I said. “I gave him two chances… and he betrayed my trust over and over again. I need to focus on myself and… try to move on.”

“Great,” Seth said. “I’m fully in support of that.”

I smiled. “I might need your help to get the rest of my stuff out of our apartment,” I said, realizing as I spoke that I could no longer refer to it as ‘our’ apartment any longer.

“Of course,” Seth nodded. “You don’t need to be there you know. You could just give me the keys and the instructions, and I can pack up your stuff for you.”

“No, it’s fine,” I said. “I asked Devlin not to be there when I come by to collect the rest of my things. The coast will be clear.”

“And you think he’ll keep his word and stay away?” Seth asked doubtfully.

I paused. “Funnily enough… I do think he’ll keep his word.”

“Ok then,” Seth said.

I was intensely grateful to my brother. He was the one constant in my life. He was the one person I could count on no matter what. Mom was always unpredictable, and she was always on some emotional rollercoaster that left me flailing behind… but Seth was the rock in the family. He deserved to be happy too.

“I never thought Cory was good enough for you, you know,” I said.

Seth smiled. “You never mentioned it.”

“Because you were involved with her,” I said. “And I didn’t want to… piss you off.”

“You could never piss me off,” Seth said. “In fact… from now on I would appreciate it if you could be honest about my girlfriends. I’d rather know early on if you think I’m making a mistake. Sometimes when you’re too close to a situation or a person, the people around us might be able to see clearer than we can.”

“Ok,” I nodded. “I’ll be honest with you… for better or worse.”

Seth laughed. “Good.”

“Will you do the same for me?”

“Definitely.”

“Ok,” I smiled.

I thought about Devlin and the fact that I found myself homeless once again and the smile slid off my face. I had thought my dreaded roommate curse was finally behind me, but apparently, it had only been lying in wait. I felt the bubble of sadness engulf me, and I knew that the next few months would be the hardest for me.

I needed to readjust to life without Devlin. I needed to re-envision my life now… without him. It felt wrong… like trying to squeeze your feet into shoes that no longer fit. But that was just my heart talking, and I reminded myself that hearts could heal… no matter how broken they might be.