PAST

I ran inside my room after school and slammed the door closed. My brothers were in the junkyard working on their fighting skills, but I hurried right past. I couldn’t face them, especially not Range, not after what I had done. Range was the very first friend I’d met when I arrived at Buck’s place a few years ago, and I betrayed him in the worst way possible, by breaking the code. I never thought she would go for it. I mean, she was the one dragging me behind the bleachers before I could get the last word out. I just wanted to make out a little, feel her up maybe, but things got out of control, and now she probably thought I was a freak. If she decided to tell the other kids at school, then Range would surely find out and never speak to me again. Buck told us during one of his many lessons on sex to never try and fuck another man’s woman and expect him to respect you for it. It was a set rule among men, and I’d broken it. I did more than try. I succeeded.

“What the hell crawled up your little ass?” Buck stood stiffly in my bedroom doorway, pissed as usual.

“It’s nothing, Buck, just a long day at school, is all.” I didn’t have the balls to face him, so I turned my back so he couldn’t see the guilt written on my face.

“Then why ain’t you outside training with the rest of the boys?” I still hadn’t faced him.

“It’s nothing, Buck, just…” I knew he wouldn’t let it go, stubborn bastard.

“You know better. Now, give me your eyes and answer my fucking question, the truth this time, Max.” Robotically, I turned around ready to face the wrath of Buck Calhoun. I hesitated, just long enough to hear a deep growl that bubbled up from Buck’s chest, which let me know he was losing patience with my evasiveness.

“I had sex today…with a girl behind the bleachers at school.” Buck stepped all the way inside my room and closed the door. He knew this was not something I wanted the other boys to hear. He stood with his arms folded across his barreled chest and regarded my slumped shoulders and troubled facial expression.

“Did you wrap up your shit with them rubbers I gave you?” He raised a speculative eyebrow.

“Yes, Buck, I used the rubbers you gave me. Geez, I’m not that stupid.” Of all the times to talk about safe sex, this was not one of them.

“Ok, so you got laid, had to happen sooner or later. What’s with the fucking shitty attitude?”

“I think…I think there’s something wrong with me, Buck.” I glanced his way but didn’t hold his glare.

“Look, I know the first time can be awkward as fuck. Most boys your age can’t last but a minute once they get their little dicks wet. Well, except for me. I lasted all night, but that’s beside the point. Fumbling around, can’t find the right hole, nothing to be ashamed about. Shit happens to everyone.” Like always, he tried to make me feel better. It didn’t work that time.

“For fuck’s sake, Buck, can’t you be serious for one minute?” I yelled.

“I was serious, not my fault I lasted all night. Ate my Wheaties growing up.” He smirked, and I lost my shit.

“That’s not it, Buck. You don’t understand. I’m a freak, a fucking head case, I tell you...” I felt my face flame with embarrassment. My eyes watered and I was on the verge of a complete breakdown. I was acting like a pussy, which was ironic considering it was “the pussy” that started this mess in the first place.

“You’re not a head case, Max, so calm your shit. Sit down and tell me what’s got you thinkin’ that.”

Buck sat on the edge of the bed and motioned for me to join him. As much as I didn’t want to relive the details of my first time with my father, I knew I had to in order to make sense of it all. I needed his help to figure out what happened to me today and why I didn’t do anything to stop it. Buck had a way of helping me put things in perspective. He never judged me or made me feel like I was weak for having certain feelings. He was the rock we all leaned on when times got tough. I took a few deep breaths and began.

“A few days ago, Range told me he wasn’t walking home with me from school, said he had something to do and that I should go on without him. I hung back. I thought maybe he was having trouble with some of the bullies at school, so I could have his back in case shit went down. You know Range. He thinks he can take on the world, but I had to make sure. I watched him walk toward the baseball field where the bleachers are, and I was going to call out to him, but someone else was there, waiting for him. I swear I didn’t mean to watch. I just couldn’t stop myself. Their eyes were closed and they were moaning. I just wanted to see what it was like to, you know, do it.” I tried to take a moment to compose myself, but Buck wasn’t having it.

“You watched, and then what happened next?”

“Today, I asked her to meet me behind the school, by the bleachers. I didn’t think she would say yes, but Marci was all for it. I thought we would just make out a little, but she wanted to…you know…have sex. It was going fine, it felt good, and then she…” I couldn’t tell him the rest.

“Then she what, Max?”

“She stuck her finger in my ass, and I…I liked it, it made me…come. I don’t know why I like it, Buck. It reminded me of …of before I came to live here. I kept hearing that song playing in my head over and over again until everything just went dark, like it was nighttime or something. When I finally snapped out of it, the sex was over and she was pulling up her panties. I don’t even remember half of what happened, but I know she’s gonna tell everybody at school I’m a fucking freak, Buck. They’re all gonna laugh at me.” I broke down into a sobbing mess, my face buried in my hands with a broken spirit. I just wanted to be a normal teenage boy and have clumsy sex with a girl. Was that so much to ask? Buck gave me time to get myself together before he spoke to me.

“Knew a brother at the club, crazy motherfucker but good with a meat cleaver. He was a good man, loyal brother down to the bone, but he had a kink.” Buck had my attention, so I listened.

“The whores used to talk about him when he first patched in, how he liked to wear pink ladies’ underwear just before he was ready to fuck. Bitches would sit around laughing and complaining about how weird it was and how they hated when he picked them for the night. Shit was all fun and games till he laid that pipe down. Then he had to beat them off with a stick. Bitches would line up to get at his dick, and believe me, he took advantage.”

“So, you’re saying I should have sex with a bunch of different girls to prove I’m not a freak?” His story made zero sense to me.

“No, Max, what I’m saying is that every man has his own way of getting off. Some like pain, others like ropes, some even like it with both men and women at the same time. That doesn’t make them a freak. As long as you both agreed to it and no one got hurt, it’s nobody’s business how you like to fuck. Sounds to me like that little girl got exactly what she wanted. Don’t feel bad ‘cause you gave it to her.” He seemed so sure about what he was saying. I wasn’t so convinced. If I wasn’t a freak, why did I enjoy what Marci did to me, and why didn’t she do it to Range? I wasn’t any closer to figuring this shit out than when Buck had first entered my room. Yeah, he told me a great story, but that still didn’t solve my problem.

“It’s time we bought in another man to talk about what happened to you when you were a boy, before you escaped.”

“No fucking way, Buck. It was just a fluke. I swear it will never happen again. I won’t let it. I can’t talk to anyone about that but you…please don’t make me.” I started to panic with the idea of having to dredge up the past.

“I don’t feel good about what happened to you, Max. I don’t know much about it, and I can’t help you fight those feelings of darkness when they take hold. You said you went black buried deep inside a pussy. That’s dangerous. Anything could have happened. We gotta get ahead of it before it happens again.”

“I’m never having sex again, so we don’t have to worry. Please, Buck, don’t make me go.” I begged him to reconsider, which I knew was useless. Once Buck made up his mind, there was no changing it.

“When Sebastian wanted to learn how to use his bow, I taught him the basics, everything I knew about it, but I was no expert. He needed someone else, someone better equipped than me, so I sent him away to that reservation to train with the chief, do you remember? Your mind and body are also weapons, boy. You have to train them the same way to maximize their potential. You’re not a freak, but someone has to teach you how to live and function the right way with those feelings you have. I can teach you all you need to know about your shotgun and how to use it, but I can’t teach you about that. Believe me, he’ll be the right man for the job. You have my word on that.” He gave me a hard pat on the shoulder, his way of giving affection, which was rare when it came to us boys.

I knew he was right. All these strange things running through my head, memories of the shadow and what he did to me in the dark, that fucking song playing in my head, was all too much. I wanted to be like my brothers, enjoy having sex without freaking out when something strange happened that I couldn’t control. I thought about what Buck said about the mind and body being weapons I had to learn how to use. It made sense to me that he would want me to talk it out with someone else. Buck always made sure we had the best of everything. If he felt he wasn’t cutting it, he found someone who could, like he did with Sebastian. He was always there for me whenever I needed him, and I trusted his judgment in all things. If he felt this was the best for me, then I had no choice but to agree.

“Do you think Range will be mad at me when he finds out what happened…with the girl, I mean?”

“Hell, no. That little shit can’t keep it in his pants, so I doubt that little bitch meant anything to him. That little girl sounds like she had more hands up her skirt than the Muppets anyway.” He was right about that. Marci was no blushing virgin. Our little talk was over, and I had to hand it to Buck; I felt better than I did minutes before and was ready to train with my brothers. We left my room together and walked over to the training area, where Range and the other guys were practicing their knife skills.

“So, Buck, why do you think your brother liked to wear woman’s underwear?”

“Never asked, but when I wore them, my nuts felt cool as a cucumber.”

My father. Always had a snappy comeback.