Chapter Eighteen

Hannah

I went to my desk. Eve’s work, which I had finished, was still open. I pushed it to the side. Moving it caused me to glance at the paperwork below it.

I looked down at the doctor’s recommendation. It was in their opinion that surgery was needed now and they didn’t want to wait till the end of the radiation. They believed the tumor may get smaller by radiation but they still believed I would need surgery.

I couldn’t handle it. Not right now. I dropped my textbook over it. All I wanted to do was hide. Hide from my family. Hide from the cancer. Hide from everything.

I wasn’t feeling strong. I was feeling weak. My hand went to my jaw and cheek. I knew it wasn’t just tissue damage. I wasn’t stupid. Tyson’s concerns saying it needed to get checked—well, he was right.

I was positive it was fractured. But I just didn’t care. The pain was all-consuming. Still, I wasn’t heading for the hospital. I knew I deserved this pain. I deserved it for pushing Dad to the point he’d snapped and also for lying to my family.

I ran my fingers gingerly over my cheek. I heard a knock on my door and I wanted to groan. I literally couldn’t put up a front. I couldn’t pretend I was okay. I tried. I really tried. But now I just needed to be left alone.

I was exhausted and sore. My breast was burning. My jaw and cheek were swelling, bruising, and shooting pain through my body. And my mouth kept filling with blood- which was a sure sign my jaw was fractured.

I stood up, reaching for the hem of my jumper and taking it off. I forgot all about the knock on the door. I just wanted to go to sleep. I think the whole lack of sleep last night was catching up with me, plus the exhaustion from treatment.

I unzipped my jeans, pushing them down. I just wanted bed. Sleep. Maybe tomorrow I could face the mess my life was turning into. My eyes glanced up and I caught a reflection of myself in the mirror.

I took a step closer. The more I looked the more I knew I was never going to be the same. The bruising and the swelling would one day disappear. Even the rash on my breast would go away one day.

But I felt I had lost everything I had never known, and now things were never going to be the same.

I picked up the hoodie I had gotten out of Tatz’s car, the one I always slept in, and was putting it on when my door opened.

I pulled it down in time to see Brad standing there in the doorway.

Had I not made it clear I wanted to be by myself? I didn’t know what he was planning on saying. I still couldn’t believe what I had nearly cost him. Andrea was a beautiful woman, and she would make a great wife and mother. She was everything a guy like Brad should want.

Brad wasn’t like a stereotypical biker. He didn’t use women.

I saw the ice in the tea towel. I guessed he was feeling uncomfortable being here. Should I take it off him so he could leave? Maybe I should. But that involved getting closer to him. I didn’t want to do that.

I still didn’t trust myself to be near him. Especially when I felt this weak and vulnerable. I might do something stupid like break down in front of him. The tears weren’t far away. Everything was getting to me—my situation, what happened, the cancer, the pain—everything was getting the best of me.

He needed to leave. And I didn’t even have the energy to tell him that, so I stepped out of my jeans, and turned my back to him, shutting down my laptop. I just needed sleep.

I also needed him to leave before I broke down. I knew my body was running on nearly empty now and the emotions were coming and soon I wouldn’t be able to stop them overcoming me.

“I bought you that jumper.”

I pinched my eyes shut for a minute, keeping my back to him. I heard the pain and guilt in his voice. And he wasn’t even talking about what happened. He was just stating a fact. He had bought me that jumper and I think I had slept in it nearly every night since. Though I had been without it for a week cause I left it in Tatz’s car.

I slowly turned around and went to give him a smile but it fucking hurt so my hand went to my jaw and cheek again. I knew the pain was only going to get worse as it went into the healing process.

He was in front of me within a blink of the eye. I couldn’t stop the hiss coming out of my mouth when he applied the ice.

It was an automatic reaction to pull my face away from him. But like he knew I was going to do it, he had his other hand on the side of my head; his fingers in my hair, gently keeping my head in place.

I clenched my eyes shut; god, I think it was more painful having ice applied. I knew ice might bring down the swelling, maybe help with the bruising. So tomorrow my cheek and jaw mightn’t be completely black from bruising.

Brad took the ice away and I sighed in relief.

“We need to talk, Hannah.” Brad’s tone had a seriousness to it. “But I know now is not the right time.”

I knew there was never going to be a ‘right time’ to have the conversation Brad wanted to have.

“I think I made it very clear earlier, Brad. I meant it when I said I was only going to make your life harder.” I opened my eyes. “What we did last night was a mistake and could have cost you your wife.”

Here I was thinking I couldn’t be in any more pain and then I thought of Andrea becoming Brad’s wife and my heart cracked a little bit more open. Who knew after everything today that it was possible for my heart to crack anymore?

He didn’t say anything. Which I think was a good thing because it was going to give me a chance to remind him of some facts.

“She loves you. And you love her. I nearly cost you her. What we did last night—heck, Brad, I am so sorry. I should never have put you in that position.” I shook my head and it caused pain to spill through my body. But right now I couldn’t focus on the pain. I had to make sure Brad knew I was sorry. “We are going back to that rule of us not being by ourselves. We need to put that back in place. I’ll, um, stay out of your way.”

That was all I had to say. I was letting Brad go. I had to. He deserved a wife and kids and having a woman as stunning as Andrea.

He was still holding the ice close to my face and he needed to leave. My hand went to the ice and I took it from him.

“Thanks for the ice, Brad. You should go.” I forced a smile even though it hurt. I guess when it came down it, even if it hurt me I still wanted to make Brad feel okay about ending it with me. If a smile helped him accept it then I would give him a smile, even if it did physically hurt me.

Brad’s eyes didn’t lift from mine. If anything, his eyes got more intense and he stepped in closer to me, lowering his head just slightly while holding my eyes.

“I broke up with Andrea.”

What? What did he just say? I opened my mouth to question him on it.

“I told her there was someone else.” He spoke before I could question him. “Because there is.” His words were softer. “I want to make this clear, Hannah. I liked Andrea but I love you.”

I didn’t know what to say. I’m pretty sure it showed clearly on my face. I tried to think of words to string together. “But she came with you tonight.” I didn’t understand. “You came here together as a couple.”

I hated being confused. I liked being able to think and see things clearly. My body was flooded with confusion as well as frustration for not understanding the situation.

“Trust me, I didn’t want to. Especially after the bitch threw all my shit out of my room.” Brad let out a frustrated sigh. Sounded like his day hadn’t gone smoothly. “I always told her I didn’t want to be serious.”

“Everyone saw her as your woman.” I wasn’t the only woman to think of her as his. Everyone did, even my parents. “Brad, you can’t just break up with Andrea because we had sex. That doesn’t make sense.” I quickly started to talk him out of the situation. “You can’t be serious right now. Andrea is wife material! I’m…I’m a fling. Someone you sleep with once. Usually a drunken mistake!”

Brad started shaking his head. “You didn’t fucking hear me. I don’t want Andrea, nor have I ever wanted her to be a wife. I liked Andrea—I love you. You aren’t a fling.” He placed the ice on the desk and his hand, which was cold, went to my cheek, gently, barely touching it. “Hannah, I was serious when I said I want a label on you. I’ve never ever wanted to put a label on a woman as much as I do you.”

I opened my mouth again to speak.

“I want you and I never give up on something I want or someone I love. So even if you want to be with someone else, I’m still not giving up.” His hands went off my face and to my waist, pulling me into him. “I know it is fucked up. I know it might be the last thing you want. But I can’t let go of you.”

I saw the pained expression on his face, and I opened my mouth again to speak.

“If you only want me as a friend, I’ll do it, Hannah. Fuck, I’ll do anything to be in your life. I want you as mine but I also know how fucked up it is. So I’ll settle to just be your friend. If that’s all you want me as.” His words were coming out rushed. And I went to open my mouth again to speak and he went to cut me off, so I put my finger over his lips.

I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t believe Brad was standing in front of me right now, saying he’d broken up with Andrea. But right now he looked and sounded to be in a state of panic.

“You sound upset, Brad.” I ignored all the things he’d said, even the bomb of him loving me. I had to acknowledge the state he was in. “Your breathing, the way you are speaking and your body language all tells me right now you’re upset.”

“Of course I’m fucking upset!” His voice went up, and all I could hear was anger. “I just saw you get belted across the face by a man that is known for knocking men out with one punch!” He shook his head and his grip on me tightened. “When I saw you drop and I picked you up, I was expecting you to be unconscious.”

I saw how upset he was getting and I didn’t want that. I saw the frustration on his face. His emotions were flashing across his face and he wasn’t hiding them from me. His normal carefree expression was gone and he was letting me see what he really was feeling.

He was getting more and more worked up, his breathing coming out sharper. I couldn’t stop myself from placing my hand on his cheek and going up on my toes so I was closer to him.

“I’m fine, Brad. Dad didn’t knock me out.” I wanted to smooth the anger and pain from his eyes. “There was nothing you could do or anyone could do.”

“He got out of my grip, Hannah. If I’d held him back better he wouldn’t have got free.” Was Brad blaming himself for Dad hitting me? I was the one that yelled at Dad saying I was going to an early grave.

“I’m pretty sure Tyson also couldn’t hold Dad back. When Dad is determined to do something, it happens.” I didn’t want Brad upset over this. “Nothing you could do to stop it and nothing you can do about it.”

“I told him I was walking from the club. He can find another fucking vice president. Maybe one that doesn’t want to kill him like I do.”

I sighed. Okay, this was going to be harder than I expected. “Brad, just because Dad hit me doesn’t mean you wipe him off. He is your best friend and don’t ever say you will walk from the club. Especially not because of me.”

That was the last thing I wanted. I didn’t want Brad leaving the club because of me. He lived for the club; Brad and the club were the same thing. Just the same as Dad.

His expression was still tight and the anger hadn’t disappeared from his eyes.

“You scared me, Hannah. Nah, fuck that, you gave me a life lesson.” His words were serious.

I frowned. “How did I scare you?” Was it what I was saying to Dad before he hit me? Was that what scared Brad?

He moved the hair from the side of my face behind my ear. “You walked out that front door and I never thought I would see you again.” His eyes were now on my cheek. “I knew I loved you before everything happened, but I didn’t realize how much.” His eyes went from my cheek to locking with mine. “I got a taste of what it would be like without you. It was only small but it was enough to fucking terrify me.”

He said it terrified him—and I could hear it in his voice and see it on his face.

What did he need to hear from me? What could I say to ease the panic in his eyes? The fear in his voice? Should I make light of it? That the man who was capable of leading beside a man like my father was terrified of me leaving his life? No. That wasn’t the angle I was going to take.

Tonight’s events had been dramatic and, well, eye-opening. But that didn’t mean I wanted him jumping into a relationship with me, one that we both knew we couldn’t really have.

I forced myself to smile at him even though it fucking sent excruciating pain through my body.

“Like you said, Brad, I scared you.” I took his hand off my waist. “I’m sorry but you can’t expect me to believe that just the chance of losing me has made you think you love me.”

“You don’t think I love you?” I heard the disbelief as well as anger in his tone.

“No, Brad, of course you love me.” How could I word this without hurting his feelings? I sighed and looked into his brown eyes that always sent a wave of comfort through my body. “But right now you are worked up and not thinking clearly.”

He had to know that, right? He had to know that I knew that too.

“Before you deny that, I know it was your glock that shot Dad. Your bullets are custom, leaving a trail of destruction.” I had to point that out before he started denying it as if his judgment hadn’t been impacted.

I also knew for him to shoot Dad meant he wasn’t lying to me when he said he loved me. Because you wouldn’t openly shoot your best friend unless he did something that was unforgivable.

“You should go.” I needed sleep, time to think. This weekend had been intense and now I needed sleep and to think of my next move.

“Can I stay?”

I smiled, this time not forcing it. It just came naturally after hearing the eagerness in his voice.

“Brad, I’m not going anywhere.” My hand was on his cheek. “I promise. I just need sleep.”

“I don’t want you here by yourself.”

I frowned. “Why?”

“Reaper’s going to be in here the second I disappear and if he isn’t, your mum will be or that sister of yours. Let’s face it; Wilsons tackle problems by not give each other time.”

He had a point. But after last night, I wasn’t expecting him to give me any more time or worrying about me more. Clearly what I was feeling showed across my face because I saw his expression change.

“You know I’m not going to be able to relax at all till I see you again.” Brad accepted my decision without me saying it.

I let him pull me back in, closing my eyes as I melted in his arms. This was so perfect till I felt the blood trickling out of the corner of my mouth. I was quick to wipe it away and then pulled out of Brad’s embrace.

“You know there is a catch to me leaving, right?” His eyes were staring into mine and I gazed into his marvelous brown eyes.

“That being?” My words were a slow whirl; I was lost in his eyes.

“You agree that you don’t leave town. I don’t expect you to be my girlfriend—fuck, I’m not that stupid. I know you won’t agree to that. But at the very least I want you agreeing that I have a piece of you. A piece big enough that will stop you from leaving this town without telling me.”

He didn’t just have a piece of me, he had all of me. All my heart. All of my body. Everything. It was all his.

I nodded my head. I wasn’t about to confess to Brad that I was all his. I didn’t want to scare him. There was a large chance that he would wake up tomorrow not terrified or high or upset about what just happened and would be thinking clearly and this love he said he had for me could disappear.