Chapter Eighteen

 

Rory

 

They busted the lock on my door.

I read Adrian’s text three times before I could respond. My gut stirred uncomfortably. I didn’t like the guys he roomed with. I didn’t trust them.

Is anything missing? Did they break anything?

I waited for a response, assuming he was looking around to be sure. Adrian had just left my place. We’d gone to the movies the past two weekends, but that weekend, we’d sat by the water and watched the stars overhead and the blinking lights on the boats crossing the river in the distance until almost morning. It had been nothing short of amazing. But, spending any time in Adrian’s presence was amazing. I looked forward to seeing him, and our bond had grown considerably over the past few weeks.

They cleaned out my food stash. Nothing else looks damaged or missing.

I growled and lit a cigarette before sending him a reply.

They’re fucking dicks. I don’t like that they broke your lock. What’s next? Come back. I don’t trust those fuckers.

His response was immediate, and I knew I wouldn’t like his answer.

It’s fine. It’s not the first time they’ve taken my food. I’ll just put the lock back up again. I have interviews to do at ten this morning, and then I have to get some sleep before work tonight. I’ll be okay.

If the sun hadn’t already crested the horizon, I’d have been halfway across campus to confront those jackasses and drag Adrian back to my apartment.

We’d grown comfortable with each other over the past few weeks. We saw each other every weekend and talked through text constantly. Once, the week after our first movie date, he’d come over on a Wednesday after work and crashed at my place. It was the first time I’d ever shared my bed with anyone other than a cat.

It was addictive, and ever since, I’d convinced Adrian to stay over on weekends. Everything between the sheets had heated up considerably. His confidence had grown, and he seemed to have developed an affinity for giving head. I wasn’t complaining. We had yet to take that final step, and it wasn’t from lack of interest or desire. Adrian was eager. I, for some fucked-up reason I couldn’t explain, was terrified.

Adrian wasn’t a random fuck. As many walls as I’d torn down for him, one still stood strong, safeguarding my heart. When we crossed that line, I knew what it would do to me.

I stared at my phone, reading his text again before punching at the keyboard.

Text me if you have a problem. Anytime. I’ll keep my phone on.

And then what? If he had a problem at noon, three in the afternoon, or ten minutes from now, what was I supposed to do? He knew it, and I knew it. My words and promises held no water. I was a prisoner in my apartment so long as the sun hung in the sky.

All he texted back was a heart emoji. Those were new, and every time I saw them my stomach fluttered. We didn’t make plans to see each other again, but it wasn’t unusual. Adrian knew he was welcome anytime, and there was an unspoken agreement that he’d come over on Saturday if not before.

I crawled into bed with trepidation in my heart. In six years, I’d never felt more limited or contained as I had in the past few weeks. I’d told Adrian I’d adapted to my life, but that was before he’d shown up. It wasn’t all about me anymore, and what good was there in having a boyfriend if I couldn’t be there for him when he needed me?

His awards ceremony was coming up in a month. It was an all-day event. Not only was he putting on a presentation for new students, but his parents were coming to see him receive his awards. I knew he wanted me there, but I also knew he’d never voice that desire in a million years. It wasn’t even an option.

Where did we go from there? My barriers had become his. What kind of relationship could we develop if I could never meet his folks or attend functions which were important to him? At the rate I was going, I’d be locked away for the rest of my life.

I pulled my phone off the bedside table. It was just after ten, and I hadn’t slept a wink. Adrian would be at his interview, probably filming. I hoped it was going well.

Crash at my place after work? I was hoping we could talk about something.

After I sent the message, I dropped my phone beside me. I didn’t expect a response anytime soon. Closing my eyes, I tried to imagine life back in the real world, under the midday sun, doing things normal people did. Heat prickled my skin, and a lump lodged itself in my throat. It seemed impossible. What could that doctor do that would make the fear go away?

My phone pinged as I thought about those seemingly impossible avenues.

Stay awake. We can talk before bed. I’ll need to set the alarm and be gone by 3. I’m meeting with another student tomorrow at 4.

I typed out a confirmation and hesitantly added a heart emoji before sending. It felt right but made my heart trip over itself. Adrian had my world upside down. For once, I wanted my future to be bright, not comfortably dark and miserable. And maybe, I wanted Adrian to be a part of it.

 

* * *

 

I pulled the curtains tight around all the windows before flopping down on the couch beside Krew. Sunrise was imminent, and I’d finished my last cigarette on the balcony just as the sky had taken on a tint of cobalt. When I knew Adrian was coming over, I avoided smoking in the house. While he was present, I tried going without altogether, but it was too difficult most times because he stayed more than a few hours.

“What time is he done at work?”

“Seven.”

Krew flipped through a few channels on the television as he yawned. “I’m guessing the minute lover boy is here, I’m out the door?”

“You’re welcome to crash on my couch, but I can’t promise you won’t hear things you don’t want to hear.”

Krew crinkled his nose and hugged the throw pillow he was snuggled against tighter as he shoved his sock-covered feet against my side. “Listening isn’t half as fun as participating.” He arched a brow and smirked. “Any chance he’s into threesomes, sugar? Turns out they are loads of fun.”

“I don’t share.”

“Aww, that’s Kindergarten 101. Did you fail? Everyone is happier when you share.”

“I withdraw my couch offer. You can fuck off when he gets here.”

Krew blew an air kiss before turning his attention back to the TV. “Love you, too, doll.”

While I waited for Adrian, I plugged away at a few web-projects I had lined up. Krew fell asleep, so I turned the TV off and sat in the dark with only the illumination of the laptop screen. With the dim settings I used, it was sometimes difficult to get the right color combinations. As artistic and user-friendly as my creations tended to be, that was where my clients always requested corrections. On occasion, I turned up the brightness to view it as my customer would see it, but I’d been doing that less and less lately. It was a testament to my downward slide.

My mind drifted numerous times to Adrian, his roommate issues, my own mountain of problems, and the offer that came from some doctor he’d met.

It was twenty after seven when a light knock sounded. Krew didn’t stir, so I shoved my computer on the coffee table and crept to the door to let Adrian in.

His smile beamed then faltered when he saw Krew.

“He came over after work. I thought he was leaving, but he crashed. Is… Is that okay?” I wasn’t sure why I felt the need to ask, but the look on Adrian’s face rang of irritation. Hurt.

He kicked off his shoes and dropped his shoulder bag to the ground beside the door. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

I couldn’t answer that. Maybe it was my own guilt for not having shared the depths of Krew’s and my friendship that was making me see things that weren’t there.

“Any problems today?”

Adrian shook his head as he studied Krew before finally meeting my gaze.

“Are you hungry?” I asked. “I can make you something to eat.”

“No, I’m tired. Can I use your shower? Then, we can talk,” he glanced at Krew again, “in your room.”

“Yeah.”

Adrian showered and found me in bed. He’d put on only a simple pair of briefs that I knew were tinted pink thanks to his jackass roommates. The lack of light hid that fact, but my anger stirred nonetheless. He closed the door behind him and slipped under the covers, bringing his body in contact with mine. His damp hair stuck out all amuck like he’d toweled it dry but didn’t bother with a brush.

It was automatic to draw him in, kiss him, and explore his body. All discussions I’d planned disappeared when his shower-warm skin pressed against me. The scent of my body wash hung in the air. It smelled nice combined with his own personal scent.

I sought his tongue, kneaded his round ass through his underwear, and rolled on top of him, greedy for more. He matched my hunger, taking all I offered, rocking into me and moaning such sweet sounds into the room. Then, he broke our kiss unexpectedly with a frown.

I was about to tell him talking could wait when his words flew out first. “Does he stay over often?”

I blinked, initially confused. “Krew?”

He nodded, the tension from when he’d first seen Krew on the couch returned.

“Sometimes. He comes over after work. Likes to watch movies but ends up falling asleep on occasion. Why?”

Adrian shrugged and looked as though he was going to dismiss it until, “Have you slept with him?”

My erection flagged. “Yes,” I said, rolling to the side. “But not since you and I… not since I first met you actually.”

Adrian rolled that around his head and nodded. He wouldn’t look at me, and I couldn’t tell his level of upset or if he was at all.

“Did you date?”

“No. We’re friends, like I told you. Sometimes, things happened, but it wasn’t… intimate or anything. Just… a means to an end. Uncomplicated release. A…” Fuck, I didn’t know what to call it.

“Fuck buddies?”

“Yeah. You can call it that. Krew’s not my type. I’m not his type either. It could never be more than what it was.”

“Okay. I was just… curious. He… He just seems like the better option. He’s comfortable in his own skin. Very openly gay and proud. I’m… not. I’m just awkward and nerdy.”

“And Krew can be annoying as fuck. I love him—as a friend—but believe me, I could never date him. He’s… too much.”

Adrian chuckled and skated his fingers over the tattoo in the middle of my chest. “Sorry I asked. I didn’t mean to ruin the mood. It’s been on my mind. A lot. I can tell he’s important to you, and I guess I just needed to ask the obvious.”

“I should have explained before. He’s just a friend. There is no more ‘with benefits’ happening any longer.”

Adrian shook his head as though ridding those thoughts from his mind then met my gaze for the first time since he asked about Krew. “You wanted to talk to me?”

It was my turn to be uncomfortable. “Yeah.” I lay beside him, and he rested his head on my shoulder, his damp hair tickling my chin. His fingers continued their journey over my abdomen in slow, tantalizing circles that almost tickled. “What… what kind of things would this doctor do to help me? Is she going to pump me full of drugs if I go see her? Is that her answer?”

Adrian raised his head and caught my eye. There was a light in his eyes, and he smiled before repositioning himself, shifting closer and wrapping a leg over mine.

“I doubt there will be any drugs involved, actually. Your anxiety is situational. You aren’t in a constant state of panic all the time so it wouldn’t make sense. When I spoke with her, she agreed that you may respond better to immersion therapy.”

“What the hell is that?”

“Basically, an extremely slow integration into a lit world. Re-introducing you to sunlight over time.”

The hairs on my arms rose. Adrian noticed and rubbed a hand along my skin. “Not all at once. It would happen quite slowly. Probably starting with artificial light and working up from there.”

“Why can’t you help me with that? You have schooling behind you. You seem to know what you’re doing. Why would I need to see this lady?”

Adrian propped himself on an elbow and looked down at me. “It’s not that I couldn’t, but we’d be more likely to hit barriers because of our relationship.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, you would probably want to guide the process, and I’d probably cave and let you because my feelings are compromised, and I won’t always be able to look at it logically.”

I laughed and quirked a brow. “Are you saying she’s going to be a heartless bitch?”

“No.” Adrian smiled, and his fingers went to the shaved sides of my hair where they danced a gentle dance. Always touching me. “She seemed really nice. She has other phobia patients, so I feel like she’d be really sympathetic. I… I want to be a part of it. Helping you. But, I need to be more detached. Involved, but more or less a support than the one guiding your therapy.”

“For educational purposes or because you care?”

He scowled and flicked my nose. “Because I care, stupid.” Then he shrugged. “And I could learn a lot from her, too.”

“I knew it.” I wrapped my arms around him and rolled on top of him. “You’re using me for your own personal gain.”

Adrian laughed and struggled under my weight, but it quickly morphed into more kissing. Tense conversations were forgotten as we lost our underwear and fell into a rhythm of heavy rutting and making out. Every hair on my body came alive, every sense awoke anew with Adrian beneath me.

His pleasured sounds pierced the early morning as I took us both in hand and worked us through our orgasms. When he gasped and threw his head back, I latched onto his exposed neck and felt his hot seed spill between us. I was soon to join and groaned against his shoulder as the waves of pleasure washed over me.

Our labored breathing calmed as we lay together, shuddering with the final ripples of orgasm. Adrian stroked over the scars on my lower back, and I tried not to tense.

“Fuck, you feel good,” I whispered as I nuzzled into the crook of his neck. “I can’t get enough of you.”

“Then why won’t you fuck me? Why do you hold back?”

I breathed him in, not lifting my head while I thought of a truthful answer, one that made sense. I wanted to. So badly. The answer was complicated and yet so simple at the same time. I didn’t want fucking. I’d done that plenty, and sure, it felt amazing, but with Adrian, I wanted so much more.

Slamming into him and chasing our releases might be fine sometime down the road, but that wasn’t the first experience I wanted to give him. I wanted it to be slow and meaningful. Tender and gentle. I wanted Adrian to feel special and… loved. But my heart wasn’t ready yet. I was scared. I’d never given my heart to anyone, and trusting had failed me too many times in the past.

So, I lied. “It can be painful the first time. I want you to get used to my fingers before I try something more. I don’t want to hurt you.” I don’t want you to hurt me.

He was quiet. Too quiet, and I feared I’d hurt his feelings.

“Are you mad?” I asked when more minutes passed in silence.

“No.”

“I just want it to be perfect when the time comes.”

“I get it.”

I shifted off him and reached for the tissues beside the bed to clean us up. We lay facing each other, the faint glow of morning barely evident from around the edges of my blackout curtains. It was enough gentle light to show the curves of Adrian’s face. The slope of his nose, the plumpness of his perfect lips, the curve of his jaw. He smiled as I watched him and ducked his head, drawing his bottom lip between teeth.

“So, I kinda did something outside the box,” he said.

“What’s that?”

“Promise you won’t laugh?”

I tilted his chin up and used my thumb to remove his abused lip from his teeth. “I promise.”

“I did some online shopping a few weeks ago… the day after you first… you know… used your fingers.”

“You mean introduced you to Mr. Prostate.”

I didn’t need to see the blush, I knew it was there. “Yeah. That. I liked it. A lot.”

“And let me guess, you bought yourself a little treat so you could experiment with your new-found friend.”

“You’re laughing on the inside, aren’t you?”

I chuckled. “Are you embarrassed?”

He shrugged and traced the outline of my tattoos on my arm. “Kinda. I’m not a prude or anything. That’s not why I haven’t had sex before. I’ve wanted to experience it since I was fourteen, but I haven’t… experimented much on my own. Jerking off to porn is about the extent of my wild adventures.”

“So, what did you buy?”

He laughed and rolled onto his back, covering his face with his hands. “A dildo.”

“Nice. And…” I nudged him when all he could do was keep his face buried.

“And I haven’t tried it yet. It’s still in its package. It came a few days ago in the mail.”

I pried his hands away from his face and kissed him. My own smile wouldn’t be restrained. His shyness and embarrassment over something so natural was cute.

“Try it. Trust me, you’ll love it. It will also help you adjust to having something bigger in your ass.”

“I can’t believe I just told you that.”

“Are you ashamed?”

“Mostly mortified.”

I laughed and rolled to the far side of the bed. Inside the bedside table, I pulled out a dildo and tossed it at him. “Does it look like that?” I rooted through and found another, one with a prostate massager, and threw it over my shoulder as well. “Or that? Or maybe…” I pulled out two more of various sizes I’d bought over the years and added them to the growing pile beside him. “One of these?”

“Oh my God, how many of those do you own?”

He was laughing uncontrollably as I started throwing butt plugs and cock rings on the bed as well.

When my bedside drawer was empty, I took his smiling face and kissed him. “Nothing to be embarrassed about. See?”

We laughed as Adrian picked through my somewhat crazy collection of sex toys, making commentary the entire time.

A loud pounding on the door startled us both, and a whiny Krew sounded from the other side. “Oh my God, shut up. Some of us need our beauty sleep.”

Adrian and I clamped our mouths shut as we heard him storm back to the living room.

“Did he stamp his feet?” Adrian asked in a whisper. “I swear he had a mini temper tantrum out there.”

“Knowing Krew, it was foot stamping, sulking, pouting, and arm crossing. The whole shebang. He’s dramatic and extremely high maintenance. Like I said, I love him, but I could never date him. God help the man who settles down with him.”

Adrian chuckled, and we both looked down at the mess of toys on the bed. “I feel less stupid. Thank you.”

“Good. Don’t be afraid to try it. It will be good practice for when I wanna shove this inside ya.” I took his hand and pressed it to my semi-erect dick.

“I think you’re nothing but a tease. Maybe me and my dildo will become best friends. Who needs this anyway.”

I chuckled and groaned when he gave a squeeze. “Believe me. The real thing is much better.”

Despite Adrian needing to be up early, sleep was a long way off. Krew would just have to suffer through the noise because neither of us were concerned over our volume, and besides, I’d warned him.