Chapter Twenty-One

 

Adrian

 

“Okay, I’d like to move on to the next section of my presentation. In taking psychology, you will quickly see that there are a vast number of directions it might lead you and career possibilities available. Choosing, or at the very least, understanding the paths that are in front of you will help you select the appropriate courses to help you achieve your goals.”

The countless number of eyes all looking at me on stage was unnerving, but I’d captured their attention, and my confidence was growing the longer I talked.

“I’d like you to meet a few fellow students who have all chosen different areas of study in the psychology department. Each of these students will explain their chosen career paths and help you understand the actions they’ve taken to make it happen for them.”

As I finished my final spiel, a flash of pink caught my eye at the back of the lecture hall. A man stood with his phone clasped to his ear as he darted toward the back of the room. The distraction was brief, and I smiled at the audience as I indicated to the screen behind me.

“I’m going to play a short video and let you meet a few senior students who will tell you about their experiences.”

As I reached for the mouse and clicked the play button, the man in hot pink raced back into the room with a look of panic on his face. It was then I realized I knew him. Krew? Why was Krew at my lecture?

As my confusion rooted, he ground to a halt, gaze fixed behind me on the screen. The look on his face made me glance back to see what was wrong.

That was when my world imploded.

First, I was confused. I’d played my videos enough times my brain knew what it should be seeing, so when it was different, I didn’t immediately process why. It was a bedroom. My bedroom. I was seated at my desk. My brow furrowed as my heart throbbed steadily harder and faster as the pieces clicked into place. Heat engulfed me as I saw what I was holding in my hand and understood exactly what I was watching.

All I could do was stand there dumb. The reaction center in my brain didn’t kick in until a roar of noise erupted behind me. People. Talking. Laughter. And then, like a cannon being fired across the stage, a smear of pink collided with my laptop sending it flying across the table and crashing to the floor.

The video played on.

Tears flooded to the surface as the horror of what was playing out for an audience of over a hundred future students became real. Krew began yanking cords until the projector went dark, but it was too late. The brief bit of video that had played out was enough to send the audience into a steady rumble of chatter and commentary.

When Krew stood, clothing and hair in a state of disarray, he turned from the dark wall screen to me. The laughter slowly growing in the audience matched the volume of the blood pulsing through my ears. I needed to get out of there before I threw up on the stage and made everything worse—if that was possible.

Ignoring Krew’s calls, I darted out the side door of the lecture hall. My vision blurred, and I knew my tears weren’t being held back. Tightness clenched my chest like everything inside me was being pinched in a vice. At the first bathroom I came across, I shot inside and locked myself in a stall.

When I slid to the ground, everything that had happened caught up with me, and I choked on a steady stream of uncontrollable sobs. I buried my face in my knees and wished I could disappear. How would I ever be able to face anyone again?

The bathroom door banged open, and I startled, sucking in a shuddering breath and trying to remain as quiet as possible.

“Adrian? Doll, it’s Krew. Baby, oh my God, are you in here?”

He paced outside the stalls, and when his sequined shoes stopped outside my door, I couldn’t contain the wracking sobs anymore.

“Baby, baby doll, open the door. Sweetheart, let me help you.”

“What are you doing here?” My words were broken and barely audible. I sniffled and choked again as my lungs convulsed in their desperate need to gain more nourishment.

I could tell Krew had crouched down by the door, his voice when it came was more level with my head. “Sugar, Rory wanted to be here so badly with you today that he sent me, so I could video you up there. He hooked up a live feed on a private channel, so he could watch from home. It was supposed to be a surprise. Baby, we had no idea this was going to happen. Rory is losing his mind. Can you open the door?”

Oh, God, Rory saw it too? Never mind disappearing, I wanted to die. The world could open up an enormous crater and suck me in for all I cared. There was no way I’d ever live this down. The entire campus would know. My parents had been sitting front and center. I couldn’t even scale the mountain of mortification and shame growing inside me.

“Please leave me alone,” I whimpered.

“I’m not going to do that. I can sit out here until you are ready to talk, or you can let me in, so I can take care of you. You’re Rory’s man, sugar. Which means I’m not walking away no matter what you say.”

It was another long stretch of silence with me hiccupping and doing my best to pull myself together before he spoke again.

“Sweetheart? I’m going to call Rory back, okay. I kinda hung up on him in the chaos. I’m surprised he isn’t jumping down my throat trying to find out what happened.”

I squeezed my arms tighter around my knees, and shook my head, even though Krew couldn’t see me. What would Rory say? The heavy sobs had stopped, and my tears streamed silently down to my chin where they dripped onto my lap.

Krew was silent on the other side of the door. Too silent. Why wasn’t he talking to Rory? Had he called him?

Krew sighed. “He’s not answering. I don’t understand.”

“Because he probably saw what everyone else saw and is embarrassed to call me his boyfriend.”

“Adrian, sweetheart, I’m gonna say something right now, and you are going to listen to me and understand that I’m saying this in the nicest way I know how. Your little nerdy glasses, prep-boy clothes, and big-ass brain thing you have going on? Well, Rory loves that about you. It tickles some little part of him I could never reach. Rory wouldn’t care if you had one friend or a hundred. He wouldn’t care if you were some highly renowned doctor or a street musician. He wouldn’t care if you wanted to hold his hand in public or preferred to stay closeted your whole life. So, I can tell you, he won’t care that you had a little fun with a dildo on your own time. Do you know why?”

“He already knew about the dildo,” I mumbled.

“See. Now, I asked you a question. Do you know why he wouldn’t care, Adrian?”

“Why?”

“Because he loves you. And, just so you know, I’m earning myself a huge ass-whooping telling you that, and, girlfriend, I’m into all kinds of kink, but I do not like my tushie reddened.”

I laughed even though I didn’t want to, but the weight of Krew’s words hung in the air. “You’re wrong,” I whispered. “He doesn’t love me. I bought that dildo because he wouldn’t fuck me. I’m still a virgin, no matter what he says, and he won’t cross that line.”

Krew was quiet for a long time. He didn’t know that about us, and what I’d said was the truth. Even Krew couldn’t deny it.

“Adrian, unlock the door. I need you to look at me.”

I sighed and reached up to unlatch it. Krew opened it and knelt in front of me. He pried my face up so I’d look him in the eyes. I knew mine were swollen and red, but he was persistent.

“Baby,” he wiped away the tears that were still falling. “Can I tell you something?” I nodded, and he continued. “If Rory hasn’t gone there with you, it’s because he’s terrified. He’s never given his heart to anyone. People have been cruel to him his entire life. I think he’s afraid of what your connection is doing to him, so he’s holding back. I’m telling you, the man I heard on the phone a little while ago was beside himself because he couldn’t help you. I’ve never heard him so afraid or so heartbroken.”

“Then why isn’t he answering his phone?”

Krew’s perfectly sculpted brows furrowed. Even in the middle of chaos, the man had the audacity to look perfect. “I don’t know. But, maybe we should get out of here. He’s probably out of his mind worried.” Krew’s face changed as he looked down at the ground. He scrunched his nose and shivered dramatically. “Besides, I can’t believe I’m kneeling on the floor in a public washroom. I’m going to have to burn these jeans now. Eww.”

Reluctantly, I allowed Krew to pull me to stand. He fussed, straightening both our clothes for a minute before taking my face between his hands. “Are you okay, sweetheart?”

New tears welled, and I shook my head. I didn’t think I would ever be okay. “Like it wasn’t bad enough being humiliated in front of the entire college, but my parents saw the whole thing, too. They were in the front row. They’re probably out there looking for me.”

Krew’s face fell, and his bottom lip jutted into a sympathetic pout as he pulled my head down onto his shoulder, and I continued to cry. “Life is a cruel bitch, isn’t it? You and Rory don’t deserve any of this shit. What do you want to do from here, doll? Do you want me to take you home?”

I sniffled and tried again to steady myself. “I just want to get out of here. I need to see Rory.”

Krew pulled back and fished his phone out before trying Rory again. He clicked it to speaker, and it rang a half a dozen times before his voicemail kicked on. He hung up and tried again, the furrow in his brow deepening.

“Why isn’t he answering?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” Krew mumbled, pocketing his phone. “I don’t like it.”

“I want to go see him.”

“Me, too.”

Krew worked to shake off his concern, but I saw it lingering under the surface. Rory was his best friend, and for once, I felt ashamed for my misplaced jealousy. “Let’s clean up your beautiful face and get out of here.”

He moved past me and pulled a paper towel from the dispenser. After wetting it and removing my glasses, he smoothed the wet cloth around my eyes and dabbed at my tear-stained face. More slipped down my cheeks as he worked, but he brushed them away without comment before returning my glasses.

“Smile, lovey. It’s not the end of the world. We’ll get through this.”

I didn’t respond. It felt like the end of the world.

Once Krew chucked the paper towel in the garbage, he took my hand and guided me to the door. Only when he unlatched the bolt did I realize he’d locked us in. For all the mixed feelings I’d had for Krew, he’d become one of my favorite people in the past five minutes, and I no longer felt any animosity toward him. I was grateful Rory had such an amazing friend.

I stiffened as he pulled the door open and checked the hallway. What was I walking out to? Would I be greeted by a wall of laughter? Pointed fingers?

The rumble of voices grew, and my heart tripped and slammed. Krew tugged me into the hall, and I kept my head down and followed, wishing and praying I was anywhere but there. As he went to slip past the lecture room where I’d been speaking, the roar of my father’s voice caught my ear.

Lifting my head, I saw him and my mother in a heated conversation with the dean of the psychology department. Two college security officers surrounded them, too, along with a number of students who were lingering and eavesdropping.

I must have stalled, because Krew, calling my name, drew me from my head. “Adrian?”

“My parents,” I whispered, not taking my eyes off them.

He followed my gaze and then looked back, his perfect lips drawn to one side. “Do you want to talk to them?”

I shook my head, wishing again I could disappear. The sudden feeling of a million eyes on me made me grip Krew’s hand tighter. It was like swimming in a tankful of sharks, and you knew at any moment you would become their next meal.

“This way, babe.” Krew gave my hand a tug.

We were about to head back the way we’d come when my mother looked up and caught my eye just before I turned.

“Adrian!” she cried out, the emotions in her voice cutting into the crowded hall.

Then, everyone in the vicinity turned and stared. It might have been my imagination, but I could have sworn the whispers around me intensified.

My parents, the dean, and the two security men approached. The men in uniform encouraged people to move along and clear the area. The crowd slowly and reluctantly dispersed. I stood frozen, utterly unprepared for a confrontation with my parents of all people. It was one thing to be humiliated in front of peers, but for my parents to see my sexual adventures on full display was a whole new level of shame I’d never felt.

My father’s gaze remained pinned on Krew after he observed our joined hands. He knew I was gay and probably assumed Krew was my boyfriend. It didn’t feel like the proper time to correct his assumption, and I wasn’t strong enough to let go of Krew and confront him on my own. The displeasure on my father’s face radiated clear.

My mother yanked me into a hug, dislodging me from Krew as she smothered me to her chest. It was suffocating, and I wasn’t sure how to react. When she released me, I sought Krew’s support once again. They could believe whatever they liked. I needed him.

It was my father who spoke. “We’re leaving. Adrian, go get in the car with your mother. Now.” His eyes never left Krew’s, and he snarled, “You, young man, stay away from my son.”

“No,” I stammered, working and failing at keeping a steady tone.

The burning fire in my father’s gaze turned on me. “You have disgraced me and embarrassed your mother and our name. We will not have this discussion here. Go.”

My anger flared. “No! You’re disgraced? You’re embarrassed? What about me? That was a huge violation of my privacy, and all you care about is how it made you look?”

“Adrian, sweetie,” my mother interrupted.

“No! I was just humiliated in front of over a hundred people, and all he cares about is himself. He doesn’t care about me. He never has. I’ve been torn down daily by bullies my whole life, but the only thing he worries about are my stupid grades and how I represent this family. I… I just can’t anymore.”

I squeezed Krew’s hand and tugged him down the hallway.

My father growled behind me. “Adrian Mathias Anderson.”

Ignoring him, I barreled away, shot into the first stairwell I found, and raced down the stairs with Krew on my heels. It was all too much to process at once. I just needed to get away.

Outside, I submitted and allowed Krew to take the lead since I didn’t know where he’d parked. He guided me to his car and got us on the road as the mess of the past thirty minutes surrounded and suffocated me.

Krew parked at Rory’s apartment complex, and we treaded somberly to the elevator. Only as the floor numbers ticked by did I wonder if I was making a mistake going to see Rory. He’d seen as much as the audience and refused to answer his phone when Krew had tried calling afterward. What if I’d embarrassed him as well?

Probably sensing my disquiet, Krew rubbed my back and pushed the hair from my eyes. “We’ll sort it out, doll. Try not to fret.”

Easy for him to say. It wasn’t his private life on the screen earlier.

When the elevator doors opened on the tenth floor, we immediately noticed there was a commotion at the end of the hallway right outside Rory’s apartment. Two police officers stood with another man in deep conversation.

“What the hell?!” Krew picked up his pace and nearly ran down the hallway.

I fled after him, my heart returning to my throat.

“I told you. I found him out back. He was seriously fucked up. I got him inside, and within a second, he fled upstairs and locked himself inside before I could stop him.”

One of the officers took notes on a flip pad while the other stood with his arms crossed.

“What’s going on?” Krew hollered when he was nearly beside them.

“Where’s Rory?” I added.

The officers turned, and the man darted his gaze between us.

The officer with the pad and pen pointed his writing utensil at Rory’s apartment door. “You know this man?”

“Yes. What’s going on?” Krew took a defensive stance with a hand on his hip and a snarl on his lips. On anyone else, it might have looked intimidating, but it didn’t quite hit the mark with Krew. Officer number two didn’t think so either. He scanned Krew and fought a grin as he turned to his partner who explained.

“This man here put a call in. He says your friend had some trouble outside a short time ago. He’s concerned for the man’s wellbeing. Claims he was acting funny.”

I tried the door and found it locked. Panic rising, I pounded a fist on its surface, calling out for Rory as Krew dealt with the officers.

“I told you,” the stranger said, his voice rising. “Break his door down. He was fucked in the head.”

“As I explained,” the officer with the note pad cut in. “Unless you feel he is a danger to himself, I can’t break down random doors.”

“He’s not a danger to himself.” Krew rolled his eyes, and he searched up his keys from his pocket. “Rory’s fine. What this guy probably saw was a panic attack. I’ve got this.”

I moved aside, eyeing the officers as Krew unlocked the door.

“It wasn’t a panic attack,” the stranger growled. “I’ve seen panic attacks before.”

“Not all panic attacks present the same,” I informed him. “What happened?”

“I don’t really know. I was coming home from the store, and the guy was on the ground having some kind of fit. He looked like he was trying to stand but he couldn’t. I thought he was drunk at first. When I talked to him, he couldn’t say much more than ‘help me,’ so I brought him inside. He seemed to calm a bit, so I waited him out, and then, he bolted. Dude, it didn’t look like panic to me.”

And Rory’s symptoms might not, but if you got inside his head and knew what he was facing on the inside, it was exactly that. Panic. It wasn’t the time or place to try and explain it to the guy.

Krew went into the apartment and the second officer followed after him. I shook my head at the notepad carrying one before he could follow. “Rory suffers from a severe phobia to sunlight. It’s crippling for him. If this guy found him outside, then even if it didn’t look the same, it was definitely a panic attack. He’s not in danger, officer. He’s afraid. Right now, he’s probably suffering aftereffects.”

The query and confusion in the officer’s eyes was apparent. It wasn’t every day you’d encounter such a phobia, and he probably wasn’t sure if he should believe me.

“Can we get a light on please,” the officer inside asked Krew.

“No,” I shot in the apartment. “Leave them off. Please.”

“We can take it from here, officers,” Krew explained, eyeing both men.

The stranger hovered by the open door, seeming perplexed by the darkness within the apartment and our insistence that it remain that way. The two officers, aglow by the hallway lights, only shared a glance.

“I’d like to speak with this young man and ensure all is well before we leave.”

Krew’s frustration surfaced, and we shared a look. “Sweetheart, Rory will be in his room, probably in the closet. Go find him. He’ll need reassurance. Don’t force him out or you’ll make it worse. I’m going to see these officers out.”

The determination in Krew’s eyes was fierce. All the protectiveness he had for Rory was on the surface, and I could tell he wasn’t going to let him undergo any more stress if he could help it. I wondered how he was going to convince the men to leave, but I didn’t question it as I disappeared down the hall.

Rory’s room was a void of darkness. Only the trace glow of daylight showing around the edges of his blackout curtains gave the room any definition. After being out in the bright day, my eyes weren’t adjusted, and I blinked a few times, trying to see more than outlines and shadows. His bed was vacant, and so far as I could tell, all corners were empty, too.

I approached his closed closet door and rapped my knuckles on the surface before pulling it open. The darkness within was impenetrable like a black hole whose contents I couldn’t make out if I wanted to. It wasn’t a walk-in closet, nor was there much floor space for a grown man to hide, but I knew he was there. When I squatted and reached blindly to touch and feel around, he snagged me unexpectedly making me jump. With a firm grip, he pulled me to his chest and squeezed me in his arms as he buried his face in my neck. Instinctively, I held him. He trembled, his teeth chattered, and his chest shuddered with strangled, broken intakes of air.

His cheeks were wet against my skin. He was crying. His silent despair tore a hole in my heart, and I held him tighter.

“I’m so sorry,” he sputtered. “I’m so sorry, Adrian.”