Chapter Twenty

 

Rory

 

“I’m nervous.”

“You’ll do fine.” I knocked Adrian’s hand away from his tie when he went to fix it again. “And you look amazing, stop fidgeting.”

He sighed and stared down at himself. “I look like a dork.”

“You look professional.”

He wore navy slacks and a pressed button-up and tie. The dark colors striping his shirt highlighted the frames of his glasses, and I smiled. He saw nerdy; I saw sexy. His thick brown hair was tamed and fixed off his face in a gentle swoop to the side. It wasn’t the way he usually wore it, but he’d informed me his father was particular about his looks, and the controlled, messy way he preferred his hair wasn’t acceptable.

The room was washed in a dim yellow glow that radiated from the only light in the living room. It wasn’t often I put it on for my benefit, but that day I had. It picked up the dark specs of color in Adrian’s eyes, and I wanted to see them the best I could. When we stood close, I could almost make out the lighter brown interlaced with the chocolate when he tilted his head just right.

“I never much liked public speaking. It’s always been that one part of school I could do without. Now, I’m doing it voluntarily. Why did I agree to this?”

“You’ll do fine. I wish I could be there with you.”

That rotting feeling in my gut that I’d been suppressing for the past few weeks intensified. It pissed me off that I couldn’t walk out the door and join Adrian at his award ceremony. The previous day, the irritation at my limitations had grown enough, I’d chanced cracking the curtains to see if maybe my reactions were truly imagined or perhaps they’d simply gone away.

They hadn’t.

I’d given myself a full day of issues, and Adrian had torn a strip off me when he’d found out.

Stuff like this doesn’t just disappear, Rory. Why would you do that to yourself?

It was like pulling a muscle or having a sore throat. It only hurt when you moved a certain way or swallowed, but you couldn’t help doing those actions repeatedly just to be sure they were still a problem. Every now and then, I had to check to see if I still couldn’t handle the sunlight.

It was eight thirty, and Adrian’s parents would be in town around nine. Once they arrived, he’d be leaving for the day. The awards ceremony was at ten, and his personal presentation was happening at two in the afternoon.

“I’ll keep my phone on and turned up. Text me after the awards, or call, I want to hear how it went. I want to be involved any way I can. Don’t worry about waking me. I’ll be up.”

“I will.”

What I didn’t tell Adrian was that I’d talked Krew into attending his presentation in the afternoon. He was going to stream me the entire thing so I could be there in the only way possible. It was my surprise to him. When Adrian opened the floor for questions at the end, I’d begged Krew to get his attention and give him a message. Krew was instructed to deliver Adrian a kiss from me—on the cheek, or I’d beat his ass—and tell him how amazing he’d done and that I’d seen the entire thing.

I worried a little that it might be too much, because Adrian had claimed to be only a little out of the closet, but over the past few months, he’d expressed on many occasions he didn’t care who knew he was gay. If I were able to be out in public during normal hours, he’d happily have me by his side.

Adrian’s parents picked him up outside the building a short time later. I’d asked him not to invite them up. As much as I would have been okay meeting his parents, it wasn’t a day for explaining why it had to happen in shadows. The more the wall of limitations stopped me, the more I felt the urge to seek help from that doctor Adrian had mentioned.

Even though the process of immersion therapy frightened me, staying within such finite boundaries with Adrian was proving to be worse. Maybe… maybe I could at least try.

I settled on the couch with a mug of coffee, hoping it would help me stay awake so I could work through Adrian’s day with him. Even though I knew I wouldn’t see him until late in the evening—after his parents were through with him—I knew how important a day it was for him.

I shot a quick message to Krew to be sure he wasn’t slacking.

You’re still good to go for later, right?

His response took a few minutes to come through, and his crankiness was clear as day.

It’s not even ten a.m., bitch. Let me fucking sleep or I’ll have bags under my eyes, and then I’ll be sending you my make-up bill. That shit’s expensive.

I chuckled and pulled up Adrian’s contact instead.

Are there a lot of people there?

I lit a smoke while I waited for an answer. He’d told me his dad wasn’t a fan of him goofing on his cellphone, so if he didn’t respond right away, that would probably be why. Adrian’s dad sounded like a tough nut. Strict and more concerned about his son’s future than his happiness. I kept my opinions to myself because, regardless, Adrian seemed to lean on his parents.

The auditorium is full! I get the feeling it’s going to be a long ceremony. Awards things are always boring.

I laughed and typed out a reply with my smoke balanced between fingers.

You’d know, Mr. Smarty Pants. Never been to one.

My phone was silent for a long time. I finished my smoke and got up to refill my coffee before it pinged.

Gotta go. It’s starting and Dad’s glaring. I’ll text you after. <3

My focus was drawn to the little heart emoji. Every time I saw it, it warmed me up and sent my heart fluttering out of control. I felt things for Adrian I’d never felt for anyone before, but identifying those feelings stirred my anxiety to life. Facing the truth of where we were headed was part of what held me back in the bedroom. I knew once we crossed that road, I wouldn’t be able to deny it or pretend it wasn’t happening.

My phone remained silent for a long time. Krew slept, Adrian was probably receiving all his high-achievement awards, and I grew bored. I worked for a while on a web page I had nearly completed, drank through a number of coffees, and smoked too many cigarettes. When my phone pinged at ten to twelve, I smiled, knowing Adrian was probably on his way to a luncheon and had time to talk.

The text was a picture of him and his folks, Adrian between them holding more than an armful of awards. His smile was radiant. The accompanying message simply said, Nerd alert!

I laughed out loud and shook my head. I loved that he could make fun of himself, but it also bothered me because I’d seen him make those same comments in a negative way.

I shot him off a text, asking if he had time to call. In less than a minute, my phone rang.

“I only have a few minutes. Dad’s talking to the dean of the psychology department, and Mom’s in the washroom.”

“That’s an armload of awards you got. I’m proud of you, Adrian.”

I could tell he was smiling. “Thank you. I’m kinda freaking out about later. If there are as many people in the lecture hall as there were in the auditorium, I’ll probably faint.”

“No, you won’t. You’ll do great. You probably have that whole speech memorized by now. Besides, you’ll be talking to kids fresh out of high school. They’ll look up to you. It won’t be like other times.”

“I know.”

The energy was gone from his voice, and I sensed his nerves had taken hold. I wished I could squeeze his hand or hug him until I knew he was okay. The distance between us felt vast, and a seed of anger grew. It was entirely directed at myself. I hated my limitations.

“I’m going to call that doctor,” I said, my voice barely audible. “I hate not being there for you. I hate not being normal enough to meet your parents. I thought I was fine with my adaptations, but this isn’t fine, and it isn’t fair.”

“You know I understand. But, I’ll be there for you if that’s what you want to do.” There was so much commotion on his end of the line, I almost didn’t catch what he said. “You won’t be alone, Rory.”

I knew I wouldn’t. Adrian had been nothing if not an advocate for my healing. But, of course, he would be, that was how we’d met. It was who he was.

“Good luck this afternoon,” I said, moving us away from that topic, even though I’d brought it up. “I know it will go well. It was such an amazing idea having all those students talk in interviews about their experiences in the program. You did well.”

“Thank you.” He sighed. “I have to go. I’m getting glared at. You should get some sleep. This is late for you to be up still.”

It was noon, and he was right, but I didn’t care. “Go do your thing. Text me.”

We hung up, and I instantly pulled up Krew’s number again.

You have 2 hours to make yourself beautiful and to get your ass to that lecture hall. You’d better be up.

I breathed a sigh of relief when he messaged right back.

Bitch, I’m always beautiful. I don’t know what to wear.

Knowing Krew could get eccentric when he was going out, and I didn’t want him making Adrian uncomfortable, I told him very specifically my opinion, even though I’d never given two shits in the past how Krew dressed.

Jeans and a nice shirt. Nothing that shows your navel. No make-up and no heels. Got it?

A half a minute later, I was rewarded with a barfing emoji.

Is this a funeral? WTH?!?! Can I wear pink at least, or am I restricted to black?

I could see Krew in my mind, standing in front of his closet in a tight pair of fluorescent, bikini-style underwear pouting at his wardrobe. He was so over-dramatic.

Pink is fine. Just remember, this is a college lecture hall, not a gay nightclub.

He didn’t respond, but twenty minutes later, I received a selfie of Krew posing in front of a mirror. He wore black skinny jeans and a hot pink, form-fitting button-up which was barely buttoned up. It showed half his chest, and as defined and beautiful as Krew was with his smooth lines and curves, it wasn’t acceptable. His hair was perfectly styled, he’d obviously added liner, and his flats were sequined with the same pink colored jewels.

Do up three more buttons and you’re perfect.

I stared at my phone, knowing exactly the reply I’d get.

I’m already perfect. Fuck you. I’m not fixing anything.

I sighed. It could have been a lot worse.

Do you remember how to set up the live stream for me?

Again, I envisioned Krew’s eye-roll.

Yes. I may not be a techno wizard like you, but I can be taught. BTW, does Adrian know you are just as big a nerd as him?

I ignored that comment.

Text me when you get there.

The waiting was endless. I was tired and struggling to stay awake but determined to be part of Adrian’s lecture.

Krew’s text came at ten to two. He told me he’d found himself a spot near the back of the hall at the end of a row so he could have a clear angle of Adrian up front. I’d told him to try and blend in, but knowing he’d practically worn a highlighter, I was sure Adrian would pick him out long before the presentation was over. I just hoped Krew’s presence didn’t make him more nervous.

I sat my laptop on my knee and waited for Krew to go live. It was a private channel I’d set up strictly for that purpose. When the packed lecture hall appeared on my screen, I cringed, knowing Adrian would be shitting bricks with that many people in attendance.

Krew turned the camera angle to face him. The motion was nauseating. He fluttered his lashes and made kissy faces at the camera.

“Here we are a-la-college lecture hall waiting on pins and needles as Adrian… whatever his last name is… takes the stage.” He looked somewhere off camera before refocusing on me. “Can you hear me okay? Can you see? Helllooo… is this thing on?”

I shook my head at the diva and typed a message to him letting him know all was fine.

The angle returned to the front of the hall, the excessive jerking and waving movement finally smoothing out. When he focused and steadied his arm, I saw Adrian’s laptop waiting for him next to a podium, and there was a screen in behind which had been pulled down where I knew his video clips would be shown.

Just as Adrian walked out on stage, my phone rang. I checked it, but the number showed up as unknown, so I let it go to voicemail. Adrian fixed his glasses and shyly smiled at the audience.

“Good afternoon, fellow future psychology students. My name is Adrian Anderson, and I’ve been asked to…”

My phone rang again. I cut my eyes to the screen and found it was the same unknown number. Snapping up my phone in irritation, I connected the call and growled, “What?”

“Are you Adrian’s boyfriend?”

“Who is this?”

“Are you?”

I turned down the volume on the stream as Adrian addressed the audience with a nervous smile plastered to his face. Then, I listened as the caller breathed into the phone, waiting for an answer.

“I am. What the fuck do you want?”

More breathing, and then, “You need to stop the presentation. His video file has been corrupted. I’m not responsible, but I know who is, and I can’t stand by and do nothing this time.”

I shot off the couch and spun in place. “What the fuck are you talking about? Who is this? Compromised how?” I yelled.

“Stop the presentation. Trust me.”

The line went dead. My hand trembled as I stared at my phone, cold dread seeping through my veins. The thrashing of my heart echoed in my ears as the room went out of focus. What the fuck was going on?

As though answering my question, my text noise sounded, and whoever it was who’d called, sent a video with a short message that simply said, “The audience will see this instead.” Something in my gut told me I didn’t want to watch it, but I robotically hit play.

A poorly lit room appeared; one I’d never seen before, but I knew right away it was Adrian’s bedroom at his home. The angle looked down as though the camera had been placed above on a high shelf. It showed a desk in one corner and a full view of a bed off to the side. Adrian sat in the desk chair holding something in his hand.

My stomach dropped when I realized what it was. Adrian was palming his dick through his pants which drew my eye to his obvious erection. Bile climbed my throat just as he spoke.

“Okay, you aren’t Rory, but I’m going to pretend that you are.”

He studied the dildo in his hand, and his tongue poked out, licking it once before he made a sour face.

“You don’t taste like Rory. For the record, you taste like new, out-of-the-box rubber. Or silicone in this case. Gross.”

My knees went out from under me, and I fell heavily onto the couch. The air in my lungs burned hot. When the video continued, and Adrian dropped his pants and moved to his bed, I mashed my finger on the stop button. I’d seen enough. Oh God, I’d seen too much. That was an extremely personal, private moment. What the fuck did the anonymous caller mean?

Slowly, I turned my head to the live presentation Krew was busy filming for me.

I zeroed in on Adrian before hitting the volume button to determine what part he was at. I’d seen him practice enough times, I knew each part well. Fuck! Within less than five minutes, he’d be running the first video clip.

I returned my gaze to the paused video on my phone.

I couldn’t breathe. The world faded around the edges, knowing what would happen and the humiliation that would follow something like that.

Oh, fuck!

With shaking hands, I called Krew, not knowing if he’d silenced his phone and would even notice since he was busy recording for me. It was like watching an imminent disaster you were unable to stop.

As the phone rang, I watched the feed. The camera jiggled and tipped sideways before straightening. The call went to voicemail. I dialed again.

As it rang, Krew’s voice hissed on screen. “What the fuck? I’m filming. Stop calling me, I can’t do both.”

Again voicemail.

“Pick up the fucking phone!” I screamed at my laptop.

Adrian was explaining the video segment of the presentation. We were minutes from him hitting play. I didn’t know if the threat was real, but I couldn’t chance it. Not with what I’d seen. Oh, God, Adrian would die up there of humiliation.

I felt too hot, and my teeth rattled as I tried a third time. It rang and rang and rang. Finally, the camera jolted, and the lecture room spun out of focus so fast I had to look away from the screen. Then, the feed died. My laptop went blank, and Krew barked in an overly loud, harsh whisper into my ear.

“What! How do you expect me to record a damn video and answer the goddamn phone?”

“Shut up! Listen to me.” My voice broke, the lump in my throat was hard to talk past. “You have to stop Adrian. Don’t let him play the video.”

There was shuffling before Krew spoke. “Hold on, I’m sneaking out, so I can talk.”

“Don’t! No! Krew, stop the goddamn video. Don’t let him play the video.”

“Excuse me? What the fuck? What do you mean? Why?”

“Krew!” My voice cracked, and I paced, teeth clenched so tight they hurt. “Hurry. Just stop him. Distract him. Don’t let him play it.”

There was a pause, empty air on the line before the murmur of an audience filled the space.

“Oh my God!” Krew gasped audibly, and I knew it was too late.

“Fucking stop it, Krew! Now!” I screamed.

My heart was out of control, and my vision blurred. All I could hear was commotion on the line, and I had no idea what was going on. Then, there was a loud crash, an eruption of people’s laughter and murmurs, and Krew’s far away voice calling out to Adrian.

If I clutched my phone any tighter, I was sure to snap it in half. Without a second thought, I bolted out of my apartment, screaming Krew’s name into the phone, trying to get him to tell me what was happening.

“Rory,” Krew was out of breath, and I’d never heard that tone in his voice in all the years I’d known him. My stomach dropped. “Rory, this is bad. It’s… shit… I’ll call you back.”

The line went dead, and the roar of anger that left my throat was inhuman.

Ten flights of stairs passed in a blur. When I reached the bottom, I burst out the back door of the apartment without a thought, and the magnitude of what I faced when I’d gone two feet was like a solid punch in the face. I repelled as though I’d been physically hit. Blinded and instantly frozen from shock, my back clipped the door as it fell shut.

Heat prickled up my nape, across my arms, over my cheeks, and swam like lava through my veins. Sweat beaded at my temples, and then, I was on fire. It hurt. Everywhere. My desperate attempt at getting to Adrian became a wash of distorted, roaring noise in my ears. I couldn’t think or process simple actions. I couldn’t fucking move or act.

Everything swam out of focus, circling and spinning faster and faster. And burning. My skin was so hot I felt blisters rising, heard the horrid sound of sizzling flesh and the acrid smell of singed hair. I was consumed by flames. Even the air in my lungs was intolerably hot making it difficult to draw breath.

I needed help. I needed to get back inside, but I couldn’t move. Pulling words to the surface was futile. Nothing came out sounding right. I slurred and stuttered desperate pleas for help but couldn’t manage even an audible cry.

Fear. Fear took over. It pulled me into its clutches, wrapped itself around me until every breath I took was like pouring gasoline onto an already blazing inferno. Reality left me and was replaced by something resembling insanity. I couldn’t fight it and became its victim as it consumed me whole.