Epilogue

 

Rory- One year later

 

Progress was slow. Numerous times over the past year, I had huge setbacks that sent me into a state of depression and had me diving in my closet and drawing the shadows around me once again.

But Adrian never gave up on me.

Every excursion into stores or restaurants challenged me. I relied heavily on my sunglasses and wouldn’t take those steps without them in hand. Over the winter, I lived in a hoodie so I could draw the hood up anytime I was overwhelmed.

It took until late spring for me to finally find a comfort level with all artificial lighting. My lamps at home all had sixty or one-hundred watt bulbs in them now, and Adrian and I ventured out nightly to practice with the intense fluorescents in public buildings. We tried out the twenty-four-hour grocery stores, all night cafes, and anywhere else we could think of.

I had yet to expose myself to sunlight, but I was close. I kept my blinds open longer in the early pre-dawn light and had slowly grown accustomed to seeing the glow on the horizon without freaking out.

In early October, Dr. Kelby gave me the green light to take another step forward so long as Adrian was by my side monitoring me.

Today was the day. I was nervous but determined. I knew if I showed too much anxiety ahead of time then the whole thing would be halted, so I distracted myself with Jackson, Adrian’s cat, while I waited for him to get ready.

Officially, we still didn’t live together. Adrian didn’t want to ruffle feathers with his family since they’d become more supportive, so we kept my apartment for show. In reality, I spent every night at Adrian’s. I had yet to formally meet his parents, but they knew and understood my challenges and hadn’t pushed the issue.

“Are you ready?” Adrian asked as he exited the bathroom.

He had on a pair of jeans and a dark hoodie that made the frames on his glasses stand out.

“As I’ll ever be.”

I stood from the floor and pushed out a long breath. My heart raced, but otherwise, I wasn’t awful. I snapped up my sunglasses and smokes from his coffee table, knowing I’d probably need both before we were through.

Although I’d wanted to quit smoking, Dr. Kelby had warned me about causing myself too much added stress. It had the potential to set back my progress. It wasn’t that she condoned my smoking but taking away all my crutches too soon was dangerous. For Adrian’s sake, I’d cut back significantly. I no longer smoked in the house and only took to the habit when I was craving badly, or outside stresses pushed too hard.

Someday, like my fear of the sun, I hoped it would be a thing of the past.

We wandered down to the street and walked the few blocks toward my apartment and the water’s edge. It was still dark, but morning was on the horizon. The sky in the east was getting lighter, and I knew within the hour the sun would crest the horizon. If I succeeded, it would be the first time in seven years I would witness a sunrise.

I clung a little tighter to Adrian’s hand the closer we got to our destination. We’d chosen the same spot we’d gone to many times in the past to watch the stars. It was nestled against the river, and the perfect place to view the dawning day.

Once we were settled on a boulder near the shore, Adrian rubbed my back while I fiddled with my sunglasses in my hand, fighting the urge to put them on already. The horizon was taking on color, and the sky above had gone from black to dark cobalt, to a pinkish violet hue I knew Krew would love. Every minute that ticked by showed a lighter shade as the world slowly came alive.

We didn’t share words. I couldn’t. It was taking all my concentration to remain in the moment and remind myself that I couldn’t be hurt by the sunrise.

Even though my logical brain knew it was ridiculous, I’d lathered up in such a thick coating of sunscreen before leaving the house that all I could smell was coconut. There was absolutely zero chance of me burning. I repeated that assurance inside my mind over and over, not allowing the panic to rule me.

The first rays of sunshine broke the horizon only twenty minutes after we arrived. My heart spiked, but I reminded myself to breathe. Adrian whispered a steady stream of reassurances when he noticed my elevated panic.

“There is always an escape if you need it. Just remember, you’re safe. I’m here to help you through this.”

I opened the arms of my shades and held them at the ready but kept my gaze fixed on the horizon. The mixture of colors was enough to distract me. The reds, oranges, and yellows were beautiful. A palette so vibrant, I didn’t know my dark world had been missing it. A sheen of sweat pierced my brow, and the jitters from the inside became trembles on the outside.

“How you doing?” Adrian asked, noting every physical change in me.

“I’m… It’s… okay. I’m okay.”

Words had always been difficult to form at times like those, but I wanted to prove I could stay clear-headed and in control, so I pushed myself to say more.

“I forgot… how beautiful… this could be.”

Slowly, inch by inch, the sun made its appearance. The day took shape, and the darkness retreated more. It wasn’t just physical. With every step forward, the horrors of my past retreated as well. I was empowered. I was in control, and I would get better, even if it took years to conquer.

My hands shook, and when the sun had risen less than a quarter above the horizon, I knew I’d gone far enough. I slipped my glasses on and tugged my hood in place. Adrian rose immediately, taking the cue, and helped me stand. The tremble in my legs was intense and coordinating my limbs to walk away took effort, but I managed. I was not frozen, and I could get away.

At my apartment, I collapsed on my couch with relief and squeezed my eyes closed. Adrian joined me and wrapped me in his arms, kissing my temple and waiting as I regained control.

“You did amazing. I’m so proud of you.”

After another few deep breaths, I opened my eyes and peered deep into Adrian’s contented smile. Brushing the hair off his forehead, I gave him a soft kiss.

“I love you,” I whispered, the strength in my voice still compromised.

Adrian stilled and studied my face as though he hadn’t quite heard me right. For over a year I’d never returned the sentiment out loud. Not with words. Saying it was as terrifying as standing in the sunshine, but today I’d conquered that fear, and it was time I conquered another.

“You’re everything to me, Adrian. You’ve been the sole light in my dark world for a long time. Thank you.”

His lips found mine, and we kissed. He didn’t need to say it back, he spoke with his heart just as I had been doing for over a year. He brightened my life more than the sun ever would, and I loved him more than words could express.

 

 

 

The End