Chapter Seventeen

 

Adrian

 

I didn’t see Rory all week. We texted daily, but I feared overstepping my boundaries. Although our messages were plentiful, and he continually expressed concern for my wellbeing, he never once invited me over. On Saturday evening, I paced with my phone in hand, wanting to go see him, but nervous about sounding too needy.

It wasn’t dark yet, but I knew he’d be getting up soon. I wanted to grab coffees and show up like I had the previous Saturday. In fact, I wanted a repeat of the past weekend. All of it. More. One taste of Rory had set me on edge, and I’d jerked off more times that week than I probably had all year—which was a terrible thing when I shared a house with three people who always seemed out to get me.

Deciding to risk it, I locked my room and headed out with the intention of walking to Rory’s. The sun was nearly set, but the heat of the day still hung in the air. I was halfway to the coffee house when my phone buzzed with Rory’s notification noise. I slipped it from my pocket and opened his message.

Are you busy tonight?

A smile broke out across my face as I typed a reply.

Was grabbing coffee and coming over to surprise you. Is that all right?

More than all right, he answered.

In under twenty minutes, I knocked on his door. He was dressed in worn jeans and a plain black T-shirt. His hair wasn’t gelled or styled, and a few longer strands fell into his eyes. He pushed them back and took the tray of coffees before waving me inside.

His curtains were drawn tight around all the windows, and there were no lights on. The darkness was intense, and I stood blind for a minute while my eyes adjusted.

“The sun’s down,” I informed him. “You can open your curtains now.” The moonlight at least helped chase away part of the problem.

He stood silently by his coffee table, unmoving, and I couldn’t make out the expression on his face, so I didn’t know if my statement had upset him. After a pause, he flicked on the tableside lamp instead. His brow was definitely in a state of worry, but I didn’t know if it was my comment or the dim light causing it.

The previous weekend, I hadn’t mentioned Dr. Kelby or her offer, but I knew I couldn’t put it off much longer. If Rory wanted to be part of her study, we needed to let her know before the offer was void. Not that she’d mentioned an expiry date.

We stood silently staring at one another. It was an awkward moment of indecision on both our parts. My heart thrummed a steady pulse, and I wanted more than anything to take the initiative and go to him, but my feet froze. It’d been a long week filled with amazing memories of us together. Did he enjoy it as much as I had?

Rory’s gaze fell to where he’d placed the coffees, his tell-tale signs of anxiety increased. “There will still be a hint of lightness in the sky on the horizon. I know it’s stupid, but I don’t open my curtains until at least a half-hour or more past sundown… To be safe.”

“I’m sorry.”

He shrugged and handed me a coffee. We sat together, but the gap between us felt vast like a canyon had materialized out of nowhere, and everything we’d shared had fallen inside, forgotten. What we’d shared the previous weekend no longer felt real. Had I dreamed it all? Did I do something wrong?

We drained our coffees and Rory rose and pulled back the curtains. Then, he disappeared onto the balcony without a word. I sat alone, wondering if I should go, wishing for at least the company of the cat. Rory had technically invited me over before he knew I was on my way. He wanted me there, but yet, he acted as though something was off between us.

Feeling increasingly stupid, I shot off the couch and found my shoes. Just as I was about to escape, Rory’s voice halted me.

“Don’t go. Please.”

The furrow in his brow and warble in his plea stilled me. When I turned, he stood hovered just inside the sliding door.

“I don’t understand.” So much for all those damn courses in behavioral psychology.

Rory crossed the room and took my hand. His breathing was labored, and his eye contact fleeting. Before I could ask why, he tugged me toward his bedroom. Once we crossed the threshold, he dropped his hold and moved to the window where he pulled the curtain aside there as well. The dark sky was highlighted by a simple slice of the moon which gave the edges of the furniture a silver glow.

When he reached for the lamp on the bedside table, I shook my head. “It’s okay. You don’t have to.”

“No, I do.”

He clicked it on, spilling a dull yellow light into the room where it chased away the remaining shadows. It was then when Rory stilled. His eyes were vacant, and for a moment, I was scared of what was happening. There was no lust pouring off him. Bringing me to his room was not sex-related. He was at war, and the war he was battling was evident on his face and in his robotic actions. I knew enough to wait him out. Whatever had brought him that far was finding the strength to emerge.

Wordlessly, Rory reached for the hem on his T-shirt and pulled it over his head, dropping it to the ground beside him. His shoulders heaved with each strained breath, and his focus was somewhere far away. The moment I knew what he was doing, I froze.

“I spent all week thinking about us. What I wanted. Where we could take it. How much I’d shared, and how much I’d held back. No one has ever seen the full extent of the damage that was done to me. Not my doctors, not my mother, not even Krew.”

“You don’t have to show me.”

His eyes lifted. “But that’s just it, I already have. There is physical damage—which those people have all seen—and then, there is this.” He tapped his temple. “I’ve never let anyone see the scars up here, but last weekend, I tore down that wall and let you see everything. I don’t even know why I did it, except, I’ve never felt more at ease with anyone before in my life. You don’t judge me, you don’t pity me, and in some ways, you understand.”

I held my breath. There was something profound about Rory’s speech, and I feared even breathing might frighten him off if I wasn’t careful.

“You do something to me, Adrian. You make me want to open up, allow myself to be vulnerable again, and take that chance. Trust. So, I asked myself, if I was so willing to let you see the damage inside, why was I so afraid of letting you see the damage outside? When I had you on my bed last weekend, it was a barrier I didn’t enjoy. So, I’m taking it down.”

With those final words, he turned and let his chin fall to his chest. His shoulders no longer heaved, but he trembled. Goosebumps rose across his bare skin. His fists remained clenched at his sides.

The extent of the scarring across his back was intense. Perfect rows where the transplanted skin had been applied stood out. It was shinier than the rest of his skin, even in the dim light, and a different complexion. The damaged areas were primarily across his shoulder blades, but there was a patch on his lower back that disappeared under his jeans.

I moved to him, rested my hands on his hips, and kissed his shoulder. He stiffened before making a concentrated effort to relax. It was hard for him, and I wouldn’t devalue what he’d shared by telling him it didn’t matter and that I saw beyond the scars—even though it was the truth. Because to Rory, it mattered a whole lot and he couldn’t yet see past the damage of his past.

“Thank you.” What he’d given me was a gift. A piece of himself no one else owned. He’d torn down all his defenses and laid himself unguarded at my feet.

I pulled him against my chest and linked our fingers. It was a far more intimate moment than anything we’d done the previous week, and I wouldn’t let go until I knew he was ready. Rory might act tough on the outside, but the more I saw him, the more I understood all he’d held locked away from the world.

The tender moment shifted when Rory turned in my arms and took my face, pulling me into a kiss. My blood heated instantly as our tongues twined together, and he worked me out of my clothes. All of my clothes. It was the first time we’d been completely naked together.

We fell onto the bed, and I was grateful when Rory took control. It wasn’t in my nature to lead, especially when it came to sex since it was all so new to me. His hands and mouth were everywhere at once. He sucked my nipples, licked a trail down to my navel, and palmed my balls as I tried not to squirm.

Having shared what he did, our bond had strengthened.

More than anything, I wanted him to fuck me, but that was a line where Rory seemed hesitant.

He licked lower, circling the crown of my dick before sucking me into the back of his throat. Lifting my head, I watched as he set a steady pace. The moans escaping me were out of my control. He took me to the brink then pulled back right before I toppled the edge, then, he focused on my balls as I calmed. Over and over, he sucked me until I could do nothing more than blubber and whimper, begging for release. Still, he denied me.

“Have you ever had anything in your ass?” he asked as he lifted off me with a pop.

My mind was clouded and buzzing, but I shook my head as he sucked a finger into his mouth. The anticipation of what he was about to do set me on fire.

“Try to relax.”

Oh, God, was this it? Was he going to fuck me?

His mouth was back on my straining erection, licking and sucking a slower rhythm. The wet finger circled my entrance, and I automatically clenched. He didn’t apply pressure until I relaxed again, then he edged it inside little by little.

It was weird and uncomfortable at first, but his action on my dick provided enough distraction to keep me relaxed. When he sunk the digit in farther, a zing of pleasure shot over my entire body making me arch off the bed with a cry.

“Holy fuck.”

Rory chuckled around my erection and tapped that spot again. My orgasm instantly surfaced, and one more thrust of his finger and I was done. The pleasure encompassed my entire body, rolling over me in waves, and left me limp and breathless.

Rory crawled up my body and kissed me—an action I could barely return.

“I’m guessing you’ve never met your prostate before.”

He guessed correctly, but I didn’t need to tell him since my cheeks flamed, and he could read the answer on my face. Sure, I’d read all about it but never got the nerve to investigate.

“That was pretty awesome.”

“It gets better, believe me.”

I didn’t mean to be impatient, but I was dying to know all about better.

When my limbs regained their function, I rolled Rory to his back and returned the favor, minus the prostate massage since the act of giving head was still new and awkward. Rory never made me feel like I was doing anything wrong. He had no inhibitions about guiding me, either.

“Use your hand, too. Stroke me at the same time.” I did, and his fingers dug into my shoulders. “Ah, fuck, yeah, like that.”

It was wet and sloppy but hearing him respond only made me work harder to bring him to his peak. I’d always been a perfectionist with school; blowjobs were no different. It was my goal to always improve. I wanted to know what turned Rory inside out then kick it up a few notches from there.

Rory’s flavor leaked into my mouth—a preview of what was to come—as I sucked him closer to release. The heady tang of his semen made me hum with pleasure. I loved the way he tasted and milked him for more until his muscles went rigid, and he gave me his full offering.

We lay together in silence afterward, bare skin to bare skin. My mind wouldn’t settle. It was a tangle of lust and satisfaction… and worry.

Too many things scrambled in my thoughts. I wanted to talk about therapy options but didn’t know how to bring it up. For the umpteenth time, I wanted to encourage Rory to actually, really and truly fuck me but didn’t want to sound needy. Part of me wanted to unload my own troubled past, but I didn’t want to take away from what he’d shared.

Post orgasm bliss hadn’t much worked to calm me down, but I stayed quiet and enjoyed our connection instead of ruining it with talk.

“Krew invited us to go to Bottoms Up tonight. He said they’re having a local band in or something.”

“That man got me drunk last time we were there.”

Rory chuckled. “I’ll keep him in line. No more Krew specials. Interested?”

“Sure.”

We cleaned up and were out the door within twenty minutes. It was eleven thirty as we turned onto the main street of downtown Dewhurst. It didn’t surprise me when Rory put on his sunglasses. The streetlights and nightlife made everything brighter than the dark alleys we took to get there. If we ever did work on immersion therapy, step one might be leaving those shades behind.

Just as we were about to enter Bottoms Up, a familiar voice rang out behind us.

“Adrianna! Wait! Don’t go in there. That’s not the library.”

It was followed by snickering. Lots of snickering.

I bristled as I turned, knowing Calvin’s voice before I even looked him in the eyes. He was surrounded by a handful of people. Dylan was the only other guy I recognized.

They weren’t worth my breath, but as I turned to follow Rory inside, intent on ignoring them, I collided with his chest. The look on his face was pure venom. He removed his shades, and the fury in his eyes was hotter than the surface of the sun.

“Is that them?” he asked, his voice low and eerily dark.

He shoved his glasses into my hand as I answered. “Let’s just go inside.”

“Adrianna, is that your girlfriend? How come you didn’t tell us you were dating? She’s cute.”

Everything happened in a flash. First, Rory’s entire body tensed, then, he was gone. He shot around me and slammed Calvin against the wall of the building before I knew what was happening.

“Say that again, you fucking piece of shit! To my face.”

“Rory!” I went to intervene, but all it took was one look from Dylan to still my advance.

Cold fear surrounded me, but Calvin wasn’t intimidated. The smile that filled his face was just as menacing as Rory’s anger. “Are you Adrianna’s little bitch? We know he’s a faggot.”

Rory slammed him into the wall again and planted his face directly in Calvin’s. “I know all about you and your little games, asshole. Consider this a warning. You lay one finger on him, I’ll break it off. Your little posse won’t be able to save you.”

Calvin’s back met the wall a third time, and I cringed at the force. Rory and Calvin were in a stare-off, but it was clear Calvin was the underdog. I shifted my gaze from them to Dylan and the group of friends they were with. Dylan met my eyes and sneered.

“Call him off, Adrian.”

I didn’t know what to do. Calvin had brought it on himself, and part of me was thrilled to finally see him get a taste of his own medicine. Whereas I might have tucked tail and run, Rory wouldn’t stand for it. My heart thrashed as I stood frozen to the spot. Eventually, Rory released his grip on Calvin’s shirt and stepped back. A crowd had grown, and a few people hovered by the entrance to Bottoms Up, probably having caught the fight through the window.

Calvin had lost his cocky edge as he smoothed his shirt back in place. Rory leaned in close and spoke in a harsh whisper anyone within a ten-foot radius could have heard.

“You better not give me a reason to come knocking on your door.”

Calvin shoved Rory aside and disappeared down the road in the opposite direction with the rest of his gang. The buzz in the street dissipated, and Rory approached. I handed him back his sunglasses, but instead of putting them on, he pocketed them and took my face between his hands. His fury had shifted to concern, and my breath caught in my lungs at its intensity.

“You can’t live there. Was that one of your roommates?”

I nodded. “Bullies thrive on your anger. It’s best you ignore their actions because it takes away their power when they see you don’t care.”

“Yeah, and how’s that working out for you?”

I lowered my eyes. “Not so great.”

“Adrian, if those are the kind of shitheads you’re living with, you have to move. Look what happened to me. People are getting worse, not better. In this society, they think they are invincible. They’ve become fearless. Bullying is out of control.”

“I know!” I pushed out of his hold and pivoted, unsure where to put myself. “I’m trying, okay?” I stared at the tinted windows to Bottoms Up, hearing the band easily, even from outside. “Can we go somewhere else? I’m not in the mood for this now.”

Rory took my hand without question, and I followed him. I didn’t pay attention to what direction we went. My mind was a clutter of noise as I tried to determine what might happen since Rory intervened with Calvin and Dylan. Would things be worse now? Better?

Before I knew it, we’d reached Angels Park, and Rory guided me to a bench at the far side of the play equipment. He didn’t release my hand, and he didn’t speak, but his emotions were still peaked.

“Did you know,” I started, “the most common causes of bullying are physical appearance, race, disability, gender, religion, or sexual orientation?” I didn’t wait for an answer. I didn’t want one. “Did you know it’s more common for people to be bullied on school grounds than off? That boys are at a higher risk of physical bullying than verbal? Statistically, people who are bullied are at a higher risk of depression or have negative health effects. It's also the leading cause of teen suicide.”

“I get it, you’ve read your ass off about all this.”

“I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology, and I still can’t fight the current. No matter where I go, what I do, or how I act, I have a target painted on my head the size of the moon. I left high school behind four years ago, yet here I am battling two of the worst bullies I’ve ever had to deal with. What’s worse? I live with them.”

“How bad is it?”

I sat forward and toed at the dirt under the bench. I couldn’t see it, but it felt like sand.

“I avoid them for the most part. I put a lock on my bedroom door for when I’m gone because they were taking my things and invading my space. I came home once to find strangers asleep in my bed. They’ve always called me Adrianna, but I’ve been hearing that since kindergarten, so it isn’t something new. Thank you, Mom and Dad, for giving me a girl’s name. It’s mostly verbal teasing, and I can ignore that. Sticks and stones, you know? Calvin put red panties in with my laundry and made everything pink. They uploaded a virus to my computer.”

“They put a leaking beer can in your lunch to try and get you fired.”

I shrugged. “I try to stay out of the way. Hopefully, I can get out of there soon. If my dad would listen, I’d move, maybe room with other students, but he only cares about my grades. The rest is trivial.”

“Maybe—”

“Let’s drop it. I do what I can to get away from it, and right now, I just want to enjoy some time with you. I’m sorry they messed up our night.”

Rory linked our fingers, and nothing more was said. The leaves rustled high up in the trees, and a dog barked somewhere far away. Rory fidgeted. I’d have guessed he needed a smoke, but he worked hard to avoid such things when we were together. It wasn’t always possible, but I recognized the effort.

“How is your presentation going?” he asked after a while.

“It’s going well. I think I finally know what I’m going to do for it. I was considering eating up some of my time by making a video I could play. I thought I’d interview a few psychology students and have them talk about the different branches they’ve taken in the field. You know, let them give their perspective. I put a notice up on the psychology bulletin board asking for volunteers already. I’ve also prepared a standard few questions to ask them, so it keeps everything linear and equal.”

“Only you.” Rory squeezed my hand and pulled me against his side. “That sounds really cool.”

“And then I don’t need to be front and center through it all either.”

“Smart.”

I hesitated, then blurted out what had been on my mind for over a week. “Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot.”

“Are you interested in therapy?”

Rory’s muscles tensed, but he didn’t release me. “I manage fine.”

“There are ways to get your life back, Rory, and people willing to help.”

“I’ll tell you what I tell Krew when he gets on this rampage of trying to save me. Help isn’t available for people like me. I can’t go to appointments in the daytime, and even if they were scheduled at night, brightly lit buildings and I clash. The best option was your work, but I’ll be honest, this,” he squeezed my hand, “appeals to me more. I’ve survived with my own adaptations. It’s not killing me to live in the dark.”

I shifted to face him, folding a leg on the bench. “What if there was a psychiatrist willing to meet with you at home? Someone who specializes in severe phobias?”

He stayed silent, so I kept talking. “Here’s the thing. I was reading articles, trying to find information to help with your therapy. To learn more. I came across a local doctor who wrote an article in this journal about phobias. I went and met with her for advice. I didn’t share your name, just told her a bit about your case.”

Rory bristled, so I kept a firm hold on his hand.

“She’s doing a study. It’s entirely phobia based. She’d like you on her caseload. She’d even come to your house.”

“Why did you do this?”

“Because you’re locked inside this world where you can’t escape. Maybe it seems okay so long as you play by your self-imposed rules, but you’re missing out on a whole lot, Rory. You rely heavily on other people.”

Rory shook his head. “I don’t think so. My system works fine. I didn’t want to see you, but Krew pushed it. It’s not like I have out of control anxiety or anything. I just have limitations. Lots of people do in this world. It’s not a big deal.”

“What about this.” I tapped his temple, and he swatted my hand away.

“It’s fine. I can handle it.”

“Rory—”

“I can’t afford a psychologist.”

“She’s a psychiatrist. They are fully covered.”

“And how long is her waiting list?”

“She’d take you immediately if you agreed to be part of her study.”

“So what?” he snapped. “I’m a fucking animal now? I go and tell my sad tale, so she can poke me and throw drugs at me and write about my story so anyone and their dog can read it? No fucking thank you.”

I clamped my mouth shut. I’d pushed too hard. Rory dislodged his hand from mine and tipped his head to look at the canopy of trees overhead.

“I’m sorry. I-I was just trying to help.”

His breathing was the only sound in the dark night. “I don’t want the world to know my past. It was hard enough telling you. If that’s the deal I need to make to meet with this woman, it won’t work. I don’t want to be some lab rat.”

There would be no explaining how a study actually worked while he was upset, so I tried a different angle.

“I’m sure she would change your name for confidentiality reasons if you asked.”

“Adrian,” he glared through the dark, “I said no. Let’s drop it, okay?”

That was two dropped subjects in the span of an hour. Great. Why couldn’t we hold onto those good feelings we’d shared earlier and leave reality behind for a while?

“We need to go on a date,” he announced.

“What?” My shock made him laugh.

“A date. Isn’t that what most people do when they start seeing each other? They have date nights. Get to know one another.”

All I could think of were the multitude of limitations in front of us because of Rory’s sensitivity to light. I didn’t know if a restaurant would be too much. Probably.

“Like what?”

“We should go to the movies.”

“That won’t bother you?”

“I’ll bring my shades. If I’m too uncomfortable, I’ll put them on. I watch TV at home sometimes.”

“Oh… That would be fun.”

I’d never been on a date.

“I’ll make us dinner beforehand, too. I don’t cook really, but I order a mean pizza.”

“I love it.” I leaned on his shoulder, and he kissed the top of my head. “When?”

“Tomorrow night. If you aren’t too busy.”

“I’m all yours.”