Make that the last time you lie to me

What the fuck have you been doing

I wish I never met you

I want you to think of me every time he fucks you

What the fuck have you been doing

Your baby is fine

What the fuck have you been doing

Save Flick over me

…Kill Me

My eyes flew open as I gasped for air, and my hands immediately went around my neck. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe. Why couldn’t he let me breathe?! Safeword. What’s my safeword? I couldn’t say my safeword. My eyes widened as Grayson loomed in front of me, and I felt my legs flailing. His face immediately filled with concern. He was talking. What was he saying? What was he saying?!

His hands moved on top of mine, and his voice became clear. “Emmalin. Let go of your neck.” With a gentle, yet firm grip, he moved my hands from my neck and slowly sat me up.

I was frozen as I stared at him. He gently shook me. “Baby, breathe.”

I finally gasped and out came a river of tears.

After a few deep breaths, my breathing started to return back to normal. Grayson's hands never stopped touching me, not once. I felt myself cringing with him touching me. I removed myself from his grasp. His hands dropped, and his shoulders sagged.

"Can we talk?" he asked quietly.

I shook my head as I stared at my hands. "I need to get ready for class." That was a lie and we both knew it. He knew my schedule better than I did.

He gently grabbed my hand. "It's Thursday. You don't have class until eleven." Before I could reply, he continued. "We need to talk Emmalin. You experienced sub drop, and you weren't aware of it. You were by yourself when it happened and..." He stood up and started pacing the room. His face a mixture of anguish and sorrow. He abruptly stopped and faced me.

"I shouldn't have done that. That was a side of me that I haven't shown since..." his voice cut off. "I saw the redness on your skin. Why didn't you tell me you started self-harming again?" I prevented myself from flinching as his voice started to rise and his hands clenched into fists. "We talked about that, Emmalin. You come to me! Anytime you’re having those thoughts again, you come to me!"

My eyes watered and I suddenly pushed him away from me as I got up from the bed. "It was an accident. I stood under the hot water longer than I should have, because I was soothing my muscles. You try carrying a diaper bag, a purse, a laptop, and a baby all at once. Because you haven't, I've been doing it all by myself while trying to keep up with classes!"

"Going back to school was your idea, Emmalin. I told you from the start, I didn't want you doing that."

I sniffed, wiping a tear away. "Because I wouldn't have time for you. Because I wouldn't have time for your needs, right?"

His brow furrowed as he stepped forward grabbing my shoulders. "No! Baby, no. I support you a hundred percent going to school. But you're trying to do it full-time and work full-time and be a full-time mom." He sighed as his head pressed against mine. "You're tiring yourself out.

"I need something for myself, Grayson. This is something for me. Something that I earned, all on my own without someone paying my way for it or just handing it to me."

He softly smiled. "Baby, you're the last person who's ever had anything handed to you. Everything you've ever had, you've worked for. I give everything I can to you now, because you deserve it." I tried to look away, but his hand under my chin stopped me. "I want to, and it's my right." His voice was sterner.

"Besides," he spoke more softly. "You gave me something that's priceless. Two somethings in fact -you and our daughter." I felt myself tearing up. I could barely give him a daughter. He guided me to the bed and laid me down, and started to part my legs, but I quickly shut them.

"What are you doing?!"

His face turned ashen. "I was really rough on you last night, and you bled quite a bit. I didn't even realize it, until I was done. I just thought you were really wet. I didn't get to check you over last night. He reached for me again, but I kept my legs closed. Rolling his eyes, he said, "I'm quite acquainted with your pussy, Emmalin."

"But that's...different.” I kept my knees together as he stared at me.

He sighed. “You can either let me do this, or I can tie you up.”

I sharply exhaled. “You’re ridiculous!”

“I know that, and you know that, so there’s no reason to be surprised now, is there?” I fell back against the pillow as he slowly spread my knees apart. I laid there trying not to think about my husband all of a sudden turning into a doctor and examining me. I sighed as I peered down at Grayson’s head, studying me like I was an exhibit.

“You’re a little red. Any tenderness?”

I took a deep breath. “No, are you finished?” Asshole was probably enjoying this. Suddenly, I jerked as air was lightly blown on my clit. His thumb began to lightly circle my clit. My head shot up. “Is that part of the exam?”

His eyes met mine. “I’m just making sure you’re not sensitive.” I squirmed as his thumb rubbed faster, and he blew again. I bit my bottom lip to keep myself from moaning and sunk into my pillow. My eyes shot open when his tongue lightly flicked my clit. Before I had time to speak, the lightly flicking quickly turned into sucking.

“You can’t fix us with sex, Grayson,” I panted out. He rested his head on my thigh and sighed.

He was quiet for several minutes before he spoke. “So, we are broken?” It was rare when Grayson spoke with anything but determination. This time he spoke with doubt. As if he himself was unsure of anything for once in his life, and he almost didn’t know what to do with those feelings.

I shut my eyes. Were we broken? What exactly was going on with us? One minute everything is fine and perfect, and the next minute, not so much. Has it always been like this, or were we just both blind, because we were so wrapped up in each other. “We’re not broken Grayson, we’re just…a little scratched.” I swallowed the lump forming in my throat. “But, I don’t want us to be scratched. I want us the way the way we were,” I whispered.

He placed another kiss on the inside of my thigh before crawling his way up my body. “I love you so much, you know that, right?” I nodded as he wiped away a tear that fell. “You are my life, Emmalin. I would do anything for you, you know that.”

“What do you need that I’m not giving you?” I whispered it, because saying it aloud made me feel even more unsure.

His body stilled at my question. “You give me everyth-”

I cut him off. “No, I don’t. Not if that other side of you came out. What do you need? Do you need to…” My voice faded, as I met his gaze. “Do you need to hurt me?” I couldn’t even say it above a whisper, because it felt so damning.

He quickly moved off of me, as if my words had scoured his skin. He sat back on his haunches with his hands on his thighs, shoulders sagged. “I don’t need to hurt you,” he finally whispered out. Before I could say anything else, he quickly moved off the bed and half mumbled, “I’ll be back.” The next sound I heard was the dinging of the elevator.

I was quiet as I stared at my hands, not even remotely sure what just happened.