Ring, ring, ring…

My phone is vibrating and it won’t quit, and guess who’s calling? Bingo! It’s that asshole who put a baby in me, Colt. After about twelve rings, I deny the call and put my phone in the kitchen drawer.

“There,” I declare out loud to myself. “Now no one can answer or deny any calls.”

I walk to my room with a bottle of wine and sit down. The wine bottle isn’t even open. In fact, it’s completely sealed shut. I don’t particularly want this baby, but I don’t want to fuck anything up either, so the wine is there for symbolic purposes only. It’s there to show the world just how fucking depressed I am.

A baby. A baby?! Yes, a fucking baby. In my belly. Right now. The whole idea sends chills throughout my body. I’m not supposed to be a mother yet. But your mom was only twenty-one when she had you, an inner dialogue springs inside my mind. Yeah, but she was a hack of a mother, if there ever was one.

Ugh! I start to tear up, so I turn on the television. On the screen is some war classic movie and it actually makes me tear up even more because it reminds me of Colt. Dammit, I don’t know what to do. I’m completely lost. I thought that Elijah’s going away could bring us together. Well, it did. Only, not in the way I had intended it to.

I turn the TV off and decide that nothing is going to get me to stop feeling bad. So I decide to do something weird. I head to The Cat’s Bag, my sister’s hole in the wall bar.

When I get there, an unfamiliar face is working. It’s some older woman who looks like she smokes about three packs a day, while drinking lighter fluid and whisky. I have no idea where Julie found her, but when I walk in, she already knows who I am. “Hey! Julie’s sister, right?” She exclaims out of the side of her mouth. She’s got a thick Boston accent.

I give half a smile. “Yeah. That’s me.”

She slams her fist onto the bar and cackles loudly, “Ha! I knew it! She talks about you all the time. You’re practically the apple of her eye, you know that?”

“Sure,” I mutter, not even really listening. “I love Julie too.”

“Hell yeah you do,” she smirks. “So. What’ll it be?”

I laugh because, even though I came here, I can’t really drink anything because I’m still pregnant. So what the hell am I even doing? “I’ll take a water. Extra ice,” I say boldly.

The woman just looks at me as if she’s waiting for the punch line of a really funny joke. Only it never comes. “You serious? Lena, we don’t do water here,” she says. “Come on. Pick something nice and expensive. It’s on the house.”

“I can’t drink,” I tell her. “Because I found out today that I’m pregnant with some asshole’s baby.” She cringes when I tell her this. I shouldn’t use the word asshole. He’s not an asshole. He’s just a little overbearing right now. A little too presumptive. And I sure as shit don’t want his baby! Yet… Oh, fuck. Did he really tell me that he loved me last night?

“You’re pregnant?” she asks me. “Shit, what’re you doing in here? You gotta leave if you don’t want your baby to come out lookin’ like a mutant.” This makes her laugh to herself.

“Just give me a Shirley Temple. On the rocks.” I wink.

“Pfft.” She shakes her head at me, but then gives me a reassuring smile. When she hands me the drink, she says, “You’re gonna be fine, doll. Trust me. A baby is one of life’s good things.”

“Yeah? And how would you know?” I ask, fingering my drink to get the cherry from the bottom of the glass.

“Because I’m a fucking mom, that’s how,” she says. “And I’m a damn good mother too.”

“Sorry,” I say. “I shouldn’t assume. I didn’t know.”

She chuckles. “Yeah, well. I don’t come off as too motherly I guess.”

“Actually you do,” I laugh.

“Thanks. If there’s one thing I know in this life, it’s that I love my children. I’ve got three boys. They’re insane little monsters,” she says, smiling to herself. “But they’re my little monsters and I’ve been through everything with them.”

I take a sip of my Shirley Temple and taste the sugary carbonation bubble against the back of my throat. “What happened to their father?” I ask. She scowls at me. “Sorry, is that too personal? We can talk about something else.”

She laughs and slaps my arm. “I’m just messing with you! He’s around. He runs a successful yoga studio thirty miles away. I bet you didn’t see that coming. Me, having children with a yoga-man, but weirder things have happened,” she laughs. “We’re not together anymore though. No, we’re best friends though. And he’s a great father to them. Tell me, doll. You seem unsure about all of this and I bet that’s why you came in tonight. Who’s your baby-daddy?”

I want to say he’s an asshole, or a bastard, or that he’s an anger-driven war hero. But he’s none of those. He’s actually the opposite and I know he’d do a lot for me. I just don’t know if I’m ready. I sigh and rest my head on the bar. When I lift my head up, she shrugs her arms and says “Well? I’m waiting!”

“Um, he’s a Navy SEAL,” I say. “And you know, he really likes shooting guns.”

“Oh, that’s hot,” she says. “Tell me more.”

I laugh and continue. “Yeah, but he’s a bit deeper than that. Like, he loves to read books and he actually welds as his hobby. He makes this unique art, but refuses to show anyone.”

“Oh, an artist too? Even hotter. But he’s probably damaged goods, huh? Is that why you don’t trust the guy?” She asks me. “Because if he’s not, I don’t know why you don’t just have his baby right now. He sounds s-e-x-y.” She starts shaking her hips like Shakira and I can’t help but laugh for once.

“He’s pretty sexy. And it’s weird because he’s not really damaged. I think I’m probably more damaged than him. He’s, uh, seen a lot, but he doesn’t really carry any blame,” I tell her. “He’s protective, you know? He won’t back down from a fight and won’t let anyone hurt the ones he loves.” Love. There’s that word again.

“So what’s the issue?” she asks. “He sounds like a great guy.”

“Well, he is. He’s a really great guy,” I say. “But that’s sort of the problem.”

She pours herself a shot and says “I don’t think I get it.”

“Well, if he was a douchebag, I could just kick him to the curb. I wouldn’t have his baby. It would be an easy choice, you know?”

“But since he’s actually one of the good ones, it puts me in this stupid position where I have to choose between a rock and a hard place. I never thought I’d have children. My sister is hard enough to take care of. I always thought I’d fall in love with someone and just travel the world or something.”

“You can still travel the world, Lena. You don’t need to let a child dictate what happens in your life. Shit, I think my kids would have loved it if I took them on more trips. Instead, I’m holed away in here every night,” she laughs. “But I understand, honey. Having a kid is a big deal. It may be a wonderful thing, but it’s also tough.”

“Ah! I just don’t know what to do,” I groan. “I feel like my life has completely fallen apart. First I have to deal with a crazy ex-boyfriend, then I lose my job, and now this.”

“Things work in threes, don’t they?” She asks. “Just go talk to him. Let him say what he needs to say and hear him out on the subject. Who knows? Maybe you two can work something out. If you had a good thing before, there’s no use in throwing that all away.”

I finish my drink and smile. “Yeah. I guess you’re right,” I say. “I just wanted to hear someone tell me that was the right decision.”

“There’s no right decision,” she laughs. “You can try your damn hardest to make one. It doesn’t mean you will, but at least you tried, right?”

I nod. “Yeah. I guess it’s time to go home and sleep,” I say. “Tomorrow is a new day.”

She smiles. “Onward and Upward. That’s what I always say.” She winks as I leave a tip and walk outside.

The night is nice and breezy, so I decide to walk home instead. Besides, it’s good for me to get as much alone time as I can right now. All my thoughts about Colt are absent. There’s only me and the night sky.

Families are leaving the restaurants and headed home. Men walk arm in arm, hand in hand, with their women. Some have children, while others don’t. None look happier than the other, but there’s a certain added warmth to the ones who have laughing children playing around them like little angels.

“Lena?” A voice cuts through my solace. “Is that you? How’re you holding up? I heard about what happened.”

It’s Bowen and he’s with his wife and two kids. They look… joyful. “Which part did you hear about?”

He laughs. “Well, the whole Elijah thing. Did you get your job back?”

“No, but I didn’t exactly ask for it back. I was sort of the one who quit in the first place,” I say. “So I’m out of a job for a bit, I guess.” I try to laugh.

His wife smiles and extends her hand. “I’m Arianna. Bowen’s wife,” she says. “I swear, after being married for eight years, you’d think he’d be better at introducing me. The wild child over there is Joseph and that elegant young lady is Sammy. Say hello to Lena, guys.”

“Hello!” They both yell, barely paying attention. They’re running around, playing a game of freeze tag.

“They’re crazy,” she laughs. “But I love them.”

“You have a wonderful family,” I smile. I’m jealous of what they have. It seems so nice. I put my hand on my stomach and close my eyes for a brief second. Could I ever have something that nice? Is it real or is it some part that married people play out?

“Thanks,” Bowen says. “They’re a handful, but I do love them. So, how’s Colt? I haven’t seen him in a bit.” He’s lying. He saw him the other night. But I guess he hasn’t told his wife that he and Colt broke into the local paper’s office. I wasn’t about to be the one to throw him to the doghouse.

“He’s good,” I say. “But we’re kind of not seeing each other anymore. Or… right now.”

“Oh,” they both say it at the same time and I realize how awkward this conversation is going.

“Yeah…” I mutter.

“Well, he’d be a moron to pass you up. You two worked so well together,” Bowen says. “Anyway, I hope to see you around, Lena. You’ve really changed the man into a better person. Have a good night, okay?”

“Thanks, you too,” I say. “It was wonderful meeting your family.”

I smile nicely and continue my walk home. You’ve really changed the man into a better person. The words hit home. The thing is, I feel like he has changed me into a better person as well. It’s either that, or he’s made me reckless. Still, I needed to be a little reckless for once in my life, didn’t I?

When I get home, I look at my phone. Nine missed calls, four voicemails, and about 800 text messages, all from Colt. Oh, jeeze.

I have no idea where Julie is, but she’s probably mad as hell at me for making a scene in the hospital. It’s a bit ironic since she’s the queen of making scenes, but I guess she holds me to a higher standard.

I’m still confused as hell. I still don’t know what I want to do. But tomorrow I’m going to see him. I’m going to talk to Colt. If we break up, we break up. Things happen. But I need to at least hear his side. Tomorrow is a new day.