I run my hands through my hair. It feels abrasive, instead of silky, thin instead of its normal thickness. I look in the mirror and notice the dark rings under my eyes. “God, I’m disgusting. In every way,” I tell myself. This whole thing… it’s weighing on me bad. I hate knowing how this is all going to end. I loathe thinking about it, but I can’t stop myself. I’m panicking. I’m going to go to prison. I’m going to lose everything, including the chance to get away and live the life of my dreams.

How could this be? Why are Craig and Elroy fucking everything up? I should have never trusted two men to come up with a steady plan. Of course there would be some shakiness to all of it. All I can think is, “This is fucking bullshit.”

I almost fucked that man. I almost let him grapple with his innermost desires. Worst thing is, I think I actually wanted it. I think I wanted his hands to touch me, to grab me, to pull me in deeper. It’s that look in his eyes that does me in. He looks at me like I’m a treasure, like I’m a cut above the rest. I’ve never really felt that before, but now I have the chance to pursue it in the most fucked up way ever.

I shouldn’t do it. I mean, I couldn’t even go through with it. How could I? But I deeply wanted to. God, I’m so fucked up. I’m not a girl that plays games? Fuck, I play the best games and it always starts with myself. My own battles… it’s just not right. I’m not right.

Craig calls the new burner phone that I bought earlier this morning. “What’s the word?” he asks me.

“Nothing,” I sigh. “What do you want? Do you have a plan?”

“We have something cooking up,” he says. He mumbles something to Elroy in the background and then says, “45 minutes outside of town. There’s a small local place. No CTV.”

“Security? Police?” I say, turning my head in paranoia to see if anybody could be listening or watching me. I’m in my house. I don’t know how it would be possible, but I don’t want to take any chances.

“Of course, some security. Nothing we can’t handle,” he says. “Police will get there fast, no doubt. We’ll have to get a vehicle.”

“Why can’t we go at night like last time?” I stupidly ask. Of course, we can’t. We have no materials left since the first hit.

“You know why we can’t. That took months of planning, months of buying the right stuff,” he says. “No. This time, we do it the old school way. In and out. 90 seconds or less. Hopefully less.”

“I don’t have a good feeling about this,” I say. “Not at all. It makes me sick to think about.”

“We’ll be fine,” he assures me in a calm voice. “You’ll do great. Just grab what you need to grab, while I do the yelling. In and out. Remember.”

“We need to meet,” I say. “At least, go over things better.”

“Sure thing,” he says. “Hey, listen. I saw you with that Marshall guy.”

When he says that, I take a seat, quickly. I don’t know how he’s going to react. He’s already expressed to Elroy in the past that he thinks I’m too wild, too crazy. What’s he going to think now?

“Yeah?” I try and keep cool. “Nothing to worry about.”

“Then what are you doing? Are you sabotaging us? There’s people I’ll let know. I’ll bring you down with us,” he says.

“Keep your enemies closer,” I say. “Anyway, it’s not like anything crazy has happened. He thinks I’m just another cute girl at the bar.”

He sighs loudly and talks to Elroy again. Finally, I hear the phone switch over. “Craig wants you done.” It’s Elroy’s voice.

“Yeah, well. What do you want?” I ask him. Elroy’s had a crush on me since, well, forever. But he’s not like Craig. He’s a standup guy. I just don’t like him in that way. Elroy will have my back on this. I know he will.

“I want you to come to your senses, girl,” he says. “This isn’t a game. It’s life or death.”

“I wouldn’t say it’s that extreme,” I argue.

“No? I think it’s worse. We could go away for a very long time, V,” he says. “You really want to get out and see that the world’s changed, that you could have had kids but missed the chance, and that you could have lived a real life if you just chilled out?”

“I didn’t have a fucking choice, okay? He came at me at the bar,” I tell him. “What was I going to do? Tell him to fuck off? I was scared. I was scared for my goddamn life.”

“You should have kept your mouth shut and kept walking. He’s just another horn dog who wants to fuck you. Big deal. There’s no need to talk to the man,” he says. “What did he want anyway?”

“Exactly what you just said. He wants me,” I say, shielding my eyes. The whole thing is just so stupid. I can’t believe I’ve gotten myself into this mess.

“Now he’s going to do everything in his power to keep his eye on you. You really think he doesn’t know you’re involved in the hit? Really?” he presses me.

“Just let me deal with this. Your secret’s safe with me. You have nothing to worry about,” I plead. I place my head against the table. “Look, just leave me alone. And don’t call me on this number again. Goodbye.”

“V! Wait, I—” I hang up the phone.

Do I really like this... this… cop? No. I don’t like him. But now I’ve done myself in. I’ve given into the idea of the unthinkable and now I have to keep him close, especially after this next job. I need to make sure he has no idea what’s going to happen next. I think I’m about to make the worst mistake of my life.