Gabe closed the front door and gently leaned his back against it, looking down the hallway of his home.

It was so quiet.

He inhaled very slowly, fighting the lump rising in his throat. This was for the best, he knew that. It didn’t make it much easier. But if he kept reminding himself this was ultimately what he wanted, he might be able to keep it together.

Dusk was settling and the house was gloomy, so he turned on every light as he moved through the rooms. He thought it might bring some warmth, some life to the space. All it did was highlight what was missing.

Lewis hadn’t taken much apart from his own, obvious possessions. His side of the wardrobe was bare, his tennis racket was gone from the spare room, his toiletries from the bathroom. They had agreed who would get what of their mutual items in emails devoid of personality over the past week.

Those messages had summed up their relationship in its dying days. No passion or anger or hurt. Just sad acceptance.

Lewis had always loved the Francesca DiMattio painting, so Gabe had been happy to let him take that. Lewis had tried to buy his half from him, but Gabe had argued he was keeping so many other things it balanced out. Even if money was a bit tight, it felt petty to demand payment for a work of art that had once brought them both joy.

Money seemed so trivial as he sat on the bed, their bed. He ran his hand over the comforter and decided one of his first tasks tomorrow would be to replace the bedding. They hadn’t had sex in so long, but there had been many happy moments between these sheets. He needed a fresh start.

Gabe let out a shaky sigh and looked at the ceiling, blinking back the tears that threatened to fall. He and Lewis weren’t the same people they’d been in their early twenties. Over the past five years they’d changed to want different things, to have different dreams.

Gabe snorted and stood up, running his hand through his hair. That wasn’t true. Gabe had always known what he’d wanted. It was Lewis that had outstripped him, reaching higher and higher with his career. There was only so much a town like Greenwich could offer him, and only so much even its biggest law firm could offer in interesting cases. Lewis was meant for greater things. It was no wonder the bright lights of New York City had lured him away eventually.

He’d been a fool to think their love would be enough reason to stay.

It made Gabe wonder if it really was love. Wasn’t love supposed to be all-consuming? Move heaven and earth? Light up the night’s sky and all that other poetic stuff? Gabe wasn’t sure.

He had certainly loved being with Lewis. He was one of those guys that always had to be in a relationship. He didn’t see the point of messing around with people if he didn’t picture a future together. Lewis had been smart and hot and great in bed. He earned good money and was never shy about treating Gabe to dinner, concert tickets, weekends away, whatever he wanted. It had been so wonderful.

But…had there been something missing? That special spark? Was that why it hadn’t been that hard to slip apart?

He touched one of their framed photos standing on the dresser in the landing. They had experienced so much together, and now it was over.

They didn’t share that many friends. Also, the breakup had been amicable, so Gabe wasn’t looking at a drastic reduction in his social circle. But his friends had all liked Lewis. Probably all assumed they would get married someday soon. He didn’t really feel like reaching out to any of them that evening.

He didn’t want to be alone either. He could always hit the gym or climb one of the walls at the community center. But that wouldn’t entail much meaningful human interaction. There was Paddy’s Irish Bar down town. He worried though that if he started drinking, his emotions might skew his judgment. He didn’t fancy getting wasted or the hangover that would inevitably follow.

Scrubbing his face, he finally walked into the kitchen and looked at the empty spot on the floor. He knew exactly want he wanted to do, and who he was missing the most. At the lack of dog bed, he gave in and allowed some of the tears he’d been forcing back to fall.

All he wanted right now was to bury his face in Max’s warm fur and take a walk around the park. But Max would be settled in his new home in Manhattan by now. He’d have the whole of Central Park as his backyard.

Gabe sat down on the cold tiles and leaned his head back against the wooden cabinet. How many hours had he sat here as a child and kept his mom company while she cooked and baked? Or his dad when he had enough time to make them his secret recipe ribs?

This house was made to be filled with love and laughter. But for the first time in thirty-five years, it was hollow.

“You’re still here, dumbass,” he growled at himself. He rubbed his eyes and pushed himself back to his feet.

It would be very odd indeed if he wasn’t sad over the man he’d been with for half a decade leaving. They had shared so much together, and now Gabe had to remember the things that made him happy by himself.

He’d make more time to see friends now. He still had his job down the library and with all the volunteering gigs he did, he wouldn’t be lonely.

Perhaps it was about time he tried being single for a while? One of the things that drove him and Lewis apart was that neither of them were ever home at the same time. Now there would be no one around to complain.

Deep down though he worried he just wasn’t built to be alone. Maybe he’d get himself a cat? They were pretty self-sufficient, but that way he wouldn’t be on his own when he came home.

He stretched his arms over his head and scratched his short beard. Yeah. Maybe he’d go to the shelter after he’d got the new sheets and see if they had any kitties who needed a good home.

Life would go on. He wished Lewis all the best out in the big city, but he had to give himself the same chance.

He flicked on the radio and poured a glass of orange juice. Now he was on his own, he knew he could drink from the carton all he liked. But still, it didn’t feel right. Rather than focus on that, he enjoyed the tang of the juice and wiped the back of his hand over his lips. He sang along to whatever song it was playing and told himself that he deserved a fresh start. He’d done everything possible to save the relationship, so now it was time to heal and move on.

There would be days down the road that would be darker and harder. But all he had to do was get through each one. Before he’d know it, he’d be through a week, then two. He’d be okay.

With optimism firmly in his heart, he ordered a pizza via his phone, then began the difficult task of taking down his and Lewis’s photos. Five years accumulated a lot of memories, and Gabe knew he would still cherish them in years to come. But he didn’t need to see them right now.

He also rooted through to find anything of Lewis’s that had been left behind. He was adamant that he’d taken everything he wanted. So Gabe made himself be strong and either put anything he didn’t need in the trash, or in a box for Goodwill.

Max’s stuff was harder. They had picked out the golden retriever together when he’d been a puppy; they’d raised him together. But Lewis had become utterly distraught at the idea of leaving him behind, so in the end, Gabe had let him take him. Sadness threatened to engulf him as he thought about hugging him goodbye that morning. But they had agreed that they could try sharing him.

Gabe didn’t really think that would happen. It would be too confusing for Max for one thing, and too painful for him and Lewis to have to meet up every time they wanted to hand the dog over. But in case of emergency, if Lewis couldn’t get him into kennels, Gabe would want him to feel at home here again.

So he scooped up any toys he found and the blanket from the couch and stored them carefully in a closet out of sight. He could get rid of them another day if he felt like it.

By the time his pizza arrived, he had a tidy house and a box full of books, teddy bears and glass ornaments that he hoped would find new life in someone else’s home. He kept his sadness at bay by putting a game on the TV and trying to fill his stomach with comforting hot cheese, bread and meat. He managed about a third of it before his throat clamped too much and his belly began to ache. With a sigh, he put the rest in the fridge for tomorrow.

He probably went to bed too early, but if he woke before his alarm, he could always go for a run. Come nine o’clock, he was done rallying himself and putting on a brave face, even if he was the only one looking. He turned off all the lights, the radio and the TV, rendering the house dark and quiet once again.

The sheets still smelled of Lewis. Gabe was ashamed at his actions, but nonetheless crawled onto Lewis’s side of the bed and hugged his ex’s pillow tightly. His brain knew that this was the right path for both of them. But his heart ached, wondering if Lewis was all right in his new apartment. If he was cold or feeling a bit lost all alone in a big city.

He missed his damn dog more than anything. Neither of them had fallen out of love with Max, but Gabe had tried to be fair, and now he was the one by himself.

It was okay. No one would know a tough guy like him had cried himself to sleep. Just for tonight, he told himself. Tonight it would be okay to cry.

Tomorrow would be better.