Ricardo looked at the photographs in front of him, disgusted with what he saw. He had been trying to get back to taking his own photographs, wanting to open up a gallery in Detroit. He wanted to work with Dee again for a shoot, though she didn’t seem very interested in being his subject again. He had been taking various pictures throughout the city, still not finding what he was looking for in the photographs.
When he was stuck last time, he turned to Dee and Keisha, finding a pretty good source of inspiration in the creativity that poured out of the mind of a little girl. Ricardo hadn’t been stuck like that in a while. He wanted more than anything to go back to the way things were before he met Dee, but at the same time, he couldn’t pretend like his life wasn’t better with them there.
It was just different, and he didn’t adjust to major life developments that well. He liked his independence and privacy, one of the reasons he was so scared and skeptical about growing a relationship with Dee. He liked his solitude and his lifestyle. Thought it might seem selfish to other people, it’s what he wanted and what he liked. He had only wished he didn’t have to hurt Dee so much in the process.
Since the fall campaign had ended, he hadn’t managed to take a decent photograph. He knew what was missing but didn’t want to admit that it was Dee. The city was filled with inspiration, and with all the skills and techniques that he had, Ricardo hoped that he would be able to find what he was looking for in his next exhibit. With everything he was going through personally and romantically, he started to realize that he might have to do more than just blow Dee off. He had already missed Keisha, even though she wasn’t even gone for more than a few days.
He didn’t agree to any projects and instead wanted to start doing his own work, so he would have more time to spend with his family. The added pressure of coming up with something made Ricardo want to distance himself a bit from Dee. It was hard to have so many limitless options, the world waiting to see what his next move was. Part of him blamed that pressure on Dee and Keisha, wanting to do something to make them both proud and get the support from his girls that he needed to keep going.
He hated everything he saw. All of the pictures he was taking lacked something, and he didn’t really know what. He needed to figure that out before he could move on.
Most of that was because he hated himself. He was certainly afraid of failing. No matter how much money he made, it was never enough to silence the self-doubt and make himself hate himself any less. That was something he clearly saw that him and Dee shared. They couldn’t get past the thoughts in their head to let them really fall for each other.
Had he been in love with Dee? He didn’t know. He had trouble knowing anything. One thing he knew for certain was that he hated the photographs he had taken. He ran out of the office and threw them over the edge of the stairs. He ran into the bathroom and looked for anything that he could find that would help him destroy the photographs. He found a huge bottle of bleach, opened the top, and dumped it all over the pictures a story below. The bleach splashed everywhere besides the picture, and part of it got on one of Keisha’s dolls. He walked down the spiral staircase to scope out the destruction he just caused.
The photographs laid on the ground, bleach spots appearing on the plastic surface. It felt therapeutic to destroy something he had worked hard on, and a little symbolic that he had used bleach. He looked at the couch, remembering the destruction that Keisha had also caused. He was like that little girl more than he wanted to admit. They were becoming similar people, Ricardo learning just as much from her as she was from him.
Had he done something terrible? He left the mother of his child alone, but only because he couldn’t handle the fact that he was probably falling for her. Ricardo didn’t know what to think. He wasn’t a confused kid in love anymore, and this time, there was an actual child involved. Two, in fact. All of the morals of the situation and the pressure to do what was right clouded Ricardo’s thoughts, making it harder for him to figure out what he actually wanted from this relationship and from Dee instead of doing what he thought was the right thing to do.
He had a lot of pressure to step up and be a man, but his entire life he tried to reject the ideas of what society thought of him, never doing something just because someone else expected it. Had he sabotaged his relationship with Dee in a blind act of rebellion? The fact that both him and Dee weren’t thinking straight about the situation only proved that they likely were falling for each other after all. Ricardo hadn’t felt like that since he had met his little son Pablo.
Ricardo went to the liquor cabinet and opened a bottle of rum. He looked at the kitchen counter to see a ticket back to Spain left by Anastasia. It was where his first home was, but Ricardo was feeling lost. He didn’t want to go back to L.A. even though that’s what he told Dee. He didn’t want to go back to Spain either. He just didn’t want to be there, in that moment.
Ricardo was hurt and confused and confused about his hurt. He hadn’t felt something like that for anyone in a long time. Alcohol seemed to be the way to drown out his sorrows. He had a problem abusing the substance in the past, but it was what he wanted to do to get the chance to stop thinking about Dee for once. It would be easier to just temporarily forget she existed instead of worrying about her.
Keisha was his chance to have a daughter as well. He had never met a child that was so bright and wise. After Pablo, he thought he never would have kids again, and he didn’t mind too much. His own thoughts and creativity were a little too much for him to handle, having to be responsible for another brain’s development being just a bit too much for him to handle.
Ricardo lay on the long white couch, doing the best he could to push the thought of Dee out of his mind. He just wanted to focus on photography, but with Dee’s face constantly swimming around his mind, he wasn’t sure if that would be possible. He felt something on his back and reached into the cushion, pulling out a doll that shared an eerie resemblance to him.
*****
Dee held Keisha as she cried harder than she had for a while. It was the end of October, and for a Halloween trip, they stayed at a water park. Ever since they got back, Keisha had been feeling sick and lethargic. Dee worried she caught something from the water or one of the other kids that had been playing at the park. Now was not the time to have to deal with such a stressful situation as she was due any day now.
“What’s wrong with her?” Sydney asked. Keisha was crying hard on the couch, and so was Dee as Sydney walked in with Roman, getting home from her boyfriend’s house. Keisha had been crying for an hour now, Dee wondering if she should take her to the hospital.
“My, my ear,” Keisha cried, holding her ear.
“I think she has an ear infection,” Dee replied. They had gone to the water park last week and Keisha wasn’t very good at going under water just yet. She had water trapped up there and likely got an infection. Dee had gotten her some medicine, but Keisha was crying, Dee wondering if the stress of the situation was making it worse for her too. She felt lost and hopeless.
“I have to go to work. I can try to pick something else up on the way home,” Sydney said. “Grandma’s out with a friend, can you watch Roman until she gets back?”
“Sis for real?” Dee asked, not sure how she was going to take care of Keisha as well as Roman.
“I’m already late, I really can’t afford to lose my job just yet. Grandma will be home any time, please sis?” Sydney begged. Roman could probably just play while Dee tried to help calm Keisha.
“Go, go on,” Dee said, doing her best to keep it together even though she was feeling so hopeless and alone. She was getting a glimpse into what it was going to be like with another kid running around while she tried to take care of one. It seemed like having two kids was more than just twice as hard as one. Not only did she have two different kids to take care of but trying to manage the balance between them seemed like a third child altogether.
Janet was still at work and Jordan was at a friend’s house. He was barely around anymore, and Dee couldn’t even remember the last time she saw her brother. He would have been at least helpful for the moment. Dee considered calling Ricardo to help out, but she didn’t want to speak to him again just yet.
Roman started messing around with the TV, turning the volume up way too loud.
“Roman baby please don’t do that right now,” Dee begged. Roman didn’t listen and had turned it to a music station, blasting rap throughout the house. “Roman turn that off now!”
Dee got up and left Keisha sitting there crying for a moment while she chased Roman around the living room, trying desperately to get the controller back from him. “Please honey!”
Roman just laughed while Keisha cried, and the TV blasted. Dee had handled both kids before in worse situations, but her mind wasn’t all hers at the moment, making it difficult to try and regain control.
“Mommy help!” Keisha said, crying and grabbing her ear. Roman turned the TV louder, despite Dee’s attempts to shut it off from the actual TV. Roman was getting too smart for her and she feared what trouble he was going to cause as he got older and larger.
“Child what is going on in here?” Nancy asked as she walked in with an arm full of groceries. She set the bags down and Dee fell on the couch and cried.
“Child, you better put that remote down right now,” Nancy said to Roman very sternly. He did exactly what she asked and sat down on the couch next to Keisha. “Oh, baby girls, what happened to y’all?”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with her. She’s been sick all day,” Dee said, tears streaming down her face.
“Is she sad?” Roman asked.
“We’re all sad baby,” Dee told Roman, putting her arm around him. He was annoying but there was no denying he was pretty adorable.
“She just needs to relieve some pain. I got some medicine in the cabinet that will help clear that up right away. First let me get her something for the aching,” Nancy told her. Dee was relieved to have someone there to help her. Normally she wouldn’t be such a mess. She managed to raise Sydney and Jordan and would watch Roman when she had Keisha if Sydney needed her to. It was all hitting her too much, the reality of being a single mother to two small children really setting in for Dee.
“There there sweet girls, it’s OK,” Nancy said. She ran hot water over a towel and placed it on Keisha’s head.
“What’s goin on baby girl?” Nancy asked sweetly. “I’ve never seen you like this child.”
Dee normally was a strong and reserved girl, but what she had been through with Ricardo had really made her feel like she got hit by a bus. She didn’t even know if being with him would be enough to help relieve that anxiety anymore.
First seeing him in the Bahamas had flashed before her eyes, when everything was simple and easy. There weren’t real-life stresses getting in the way of their relationship. They had fun when times were good, and it was almost enough for Dee to want to forgive him for not telling her that he loved her. At the same time, she realized that if they couldn’t make it through the tough stuff, maybe they weren’t meant to be together after all. She still thought of him and his deep eyes every time things got a little hard, and that had to mean something.
“I’m falling apart,” Dee cried. “I can’t do it on my own.”
Dee had thought when she moved in with Ricardo that her life was going to change for the better for the rest of her life. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case, and she only ended up leaving with even more stressors. He had still given her a son, and she was beyond excited to meet him. At the same time, she wondered where her life might be had she just told him to go away at the convenience store, never actually going in on a real relationship with him.
That thought stung too much, and instead she turned her focus on Keisha, who had stopped crying and fell asleep with the hot towel on her ear.
“We should flip her over to let it drain. I’ll get the medicine,” Nancy said as she got up to go to the bathroom. Roman had completely zoned out and was watching the dancers on the TV. Normally Dee might turn off something like that, not wanting him to see the almost nude dancers throwing money around. At the same time, she was relieved that he was being quiet and not bothering them anymore.
Dee certainly had it in her, but right now, she was feeling broken. She was sore, tired, hormonal, and stressed. Ricardo wouldn’t necessarily help this situation, but she wanted a partner she could lean on in a time that wasn’t going so great. As she sat there and watched the dancers throw money across the screen, Keisha sleeping next to her, she realized it wasn’t that she needed Ricardo there to do it. She could have helped out Keisha herself, she was her mother after all.
She had simply just wanted Ricardo there, and that was so much more. He would have been able to keep her calm, and instead of telling her what to do, he would have been able to remind her that she knew exactly what to do on her own. He was kind and patient like that. Needing someone was one thing, but Dee didn’t need him to live a happy life. It was like frosting on a cake. It wasn’t necessary to make the cake taste good, but it certainly helped it to taste better. She hadn’t even texted him since she left, not sure what to even say.
She opened her phone and pulled up their messages, the last conversation they had being Ricardo asking what kind of ice cream Dee wanted from the store. She smiled, remembering that night when she couldn’t satisfy any of her cravings. She texted, “I love you” in the outbox, deciding to delete it before pressing send, shutting off her phone and turning her attention back to the TV.
*****
Ricardo lay on the desk as he heard someone knock on the door. He liked laying on the desk, as it made him feel like a project himself. He hoped by laying there, he’d gain some insight into what he was supposed to do next. He was feeling lost and still hadn’t left Detroit, not sure what he wanted to do about Dee and his unborn baby. Now that it was getting closer to the due date every second, the baby could really come anytime within the next couple of weeks, Ricardo realizing it was probably best for him to just stick around.
“Dee?” he asked, getting excited and running towards the door. He was afraid to reach out to her, wondering if she would just turn him down after how he had treated her. He was still unsure about what he wanted to do next, but he had certainly hoped to see Dee again soon, at least.
“It’s me,” Anastasia said with a sweet tone, Ricardo disappointed that it was her knocking on his door. “I saw that you didn’t take the flight I booked you and you haven’t been answering my texts, so I figured I’d just come and check on you.”
“I’m fine,” Ricardo told her, laying back down on his desk. He clearly was not, but Anastasia was not who he wanted to see. He partially blamed her for Dee leaving, wondering if she hadn’t snooped and painted the nursery if Dee would have left in the first place.
He knew that they still needed to have a conversation about their status, though Ricardo really wasn’t sure what that was exactly just yet.
“I don’t understand why you’re still so upset about her leaving,” Anastasia said with an evil smile. His next child was due any day now, how could he not be upset that she left even though he wasn’t able to admit that he loved her when she asked?
Anastasia saw that there was a half-drunk bottle of rum along with a few glasses scattered around his desk. It was late at night, Anastasia probably coming straight from a mid-day flight from L.A. Ricardo thought it was strange that she had flown all the way there to see him, but he really hadn’t given it all that much thought, focusing mostly on his misery in Dee’s absence. She poured him a glass of rum and one for herself as well.
He reluctantly took it, even though he had realized that there wasn’t any alcohol that could actually numb his pain.
“One less child,” she said, clinking her glass against his. She smiled as she threw the liquor back. What on earth did she mean by that? One less child was the worst part of the split.
“Keisha is a very sweet girl,” Ricardo shot back at her. His face showed a clear sign that he was upset with what Anastasia had said. He set his glass down without taking a drink, walking out of the office so as to get away from her. Although he was her boss, Anastasia still held a certain power over him. Of course, he had thought what it might be like to pursue a relationship with her, but she was much too young for him, and he wasn’t interested in a vain person that was obsessed with wealth and fame. Dee’s modesty and desire to remain humble and out of the spotlight was certainly something that had attracted him to her in the first place.
Anastasia’s remarks and certain things she did made her seem desperate. She was incredibly organized, articulate, and knew how to get what she wanted, the reason that Ricardo had kept her around that long in the first place. Now that he wasn’t working on anything, and with a child on the way, he thought about just taking a year off to clear his mind. He wondered if he should tell Anastasia that right then, as he saw her walking down the stairs and over to him at the kitchen counter. He had been picking through a few nuts, bored and depressed, not sure what to do or how to get her to leave.
“I don’t like seeing you this upset. I know you like to be alone, but I want to do something for you,” Anastasia said seductively. Ricardo hadn’t seen her like that before and felt that she was coming onto him a bit, something that he had almost no interest in.
“I’m fine, I just need time to think,” he told her, getting a glass of water. When he turned around from the sink, Anastasia was standing incredibly close to him, trapping him against the counter a bit.
Anastasia leaned in and kissed him, Ricardo immediately pulling back.
“What are you doing? Are you crazy?” Ricardo asked in disgust. He started to realize that he might be the crazy one.
“No, you’re the crazy one. Come on, look at me?” Anastasia said with an attitude. Sure, she was conventionally attractive, but an attitude like that immediately turned Ricardo off. “You really want to go back to that girl that already has a kid and another one on the way? Come on Ricardo, I know you. You’re no family man.”
“I am the crazy one,” he told her. Not because he didn’t kiss her, but because he was self-destructing. He was happy with Dee and Keisha. He was excited when they came home and always looked forward to spending time with them. He had avoided the family life as much as he could, never pursuing starting a family of his own. Ricardo was realizing that wasn’t because he didn’t want that life, but felt it was because he didn’t deserve it. Ricardo was too hard on himself, and that critical thought allowed him to be a talented artist, but at the same time, he self-destructed a lot.
“Do you really want to be changing diapers forever? Ricardo, we could travel the world together!” Anastasia told him. Ricardo had already traveled the world, and while changing diapers wasn’t the most appealing activity to him, he would still do it every day if it meant he got to spend his time with his girls and his sons. He was offended that Anastasia had kissed him, but if she hadn’t, he might not have realized that Dee and her family was what he wanted all along.
“What am I doing? I threw it all away for nothing,” he said, setting his glass down. “I have to get out of here.”
Ricardo grabbed his coat and walked out of the apartment, knowing that he needed to go straight to Dee’s. He didn’t know the address, but he had driven by before and Dee pointed it out, hoping that he would be able to remember which one she lived in.
“Where are you going? She’ll never be able to give you what you actually want!” Anastasia cried as he ran out the door. Ricardo knew that by leaving, he would be on his way to get everything that he did actually want, Anastasia having no idea who he really was.
*****
Dee woke up in bed with a sharp pain in her stomach and her bed wet between her legs. She had that familiar feeling before and knew exactly what it meant. She looked over and saw that Sydney wasn’t there, now wanting her mom more than ever.
“Mom! My water broke!” Dee yelled from the other room. Sydney was staying at her boyfriend’s with Roman and Marge took Keisha for the night to give her a little break in her final days of pregnancy. She started standing up, realizing that the baby was coming quick. She felt further along already than she was with Keisha, not having that bad of contractions yet either.
She and her mom hadn’t been getting along the greatest since she was staying with her grandmother again, but right now, she needed her mother. She needed the woman that brought her into the world help her bring another grandchild in.
Dee wasn’t expecting for another two weeks, but with the baby at already 8 pounds, she wasn’t too frantic that it was a dangerous situation. Keisha was born a week early, and her doctor had told her this might happen. She figured the baby was just as excited as she was to meet her, not able to wait inside her belly much longer. Dee instantly remembered that simultaneous feeling of happiness and fear all at once, the feeling that came along with being in labor. She was scared, of course, but she couldn’t be more excited either. She was about to meet the next love of her life, something not everyone would get to experience.
“What’s going on?” Janet and Nancy said, coming through her door. Dee stood there with wet shorts, and both women knew exactly what was going on.
“It’s happening,” Dee told her mother.
“Oh my! Get in the car, I’ll drive you to the hospital,” Janet said, grabbing Dee’s hospital bag she had packed and waiting by the door.
She changed her pants as quickly as possible, not caring that her mother and grandmother were standing there watching her strip down. “OK, I’m ready,” she told her mom, walking down to the car. The hospital she was going to have her baby at was about twenty minutes away, and Dee knew that she could make it that far.
At first, she felt oddly calm, but now she was starting to feel scared knowing that this was it. She was about to meet her little baby boy, something she didn’t know until now would ever happen. She got in the car and realized she would need to call Ricardo. She didn’t even know if he was in the city at the time.
“Ahh!” Dee yelled as she felt a major contraction hit her. She pulled out her phone, trying to find Ricardo’s number to call him. Janet backed out of the driveway, Dee sitting in the back, so she could stretch her legs.
“Man, people are crazy,” Janet said, referring to a man that was walking in the middle of the street. She honked, and the man looked right into their headlights.
“Wait Mom, that’s Ricardo!” Dee said. She was confused and looked at her phone. Had she already called him? She wasn’t quite sure what was going on.
“Ricardo, what are you doing here?” Dee asked, wildly confused.
“I was looking for your house! I couldn’t remember which one it was. Hi Janet,” Ricardo said, a smile stretched across his face.
“It’s happening now!” Dee shouted.
“I know, and I’m so excited! I’m so sorry that I made you wait this long, but it’s time to tell you that I love you!” Ricardo shouted in the middle of the street, him clearly not realizing that she was talking about the baby.
“No, our son! He’s coming out of me!” Dee shouted.
“What?” Ricardo asked, him being the confused one now.
“Get in the car lover boy!” her mom yelled at Ricardo out the front window as she beeped the horn. They needed to get on the road fast. Ricardo opened the back door and hopped in.
“I love you Dee,” Ricardo said, not afraid to let his true feelings out. “I’ve always loved you, I was just so afraid.”
“Ricardo, I’m scared,” she told him honestly. It wasn’t easy for her to open up either, especially when she was in labor. “I love you too though. I love you so much it hurts Ricardo.”
“I’ll be right here. I’m not going anywhere,” he reassured her. Dee was feeling so much better knowing that Ricardo was currently her support system.
“You hurt us. How can I trust you again,” she yelled before she let out a scream, feeling the contractions hit her hard.
“You and Keisha are everything that I’ve ever wanted,” Ricardo said, his face filling with tears now too. “I’m not me without you two anymore.”
Keisha wanted to keep talking, but she also was in a lot of pain. She started crying and leaned in to kiss Ricardo, feeling like everything had fallen into place. If only it had done that sooner, Dee might have saved herself a lot of agony.
“Just breathe Keisha, I’m here for you,” he told her, holding her stomach and kissing her cheek. She squeezed his hand, feeling the labor pains radiate from her knees to her heart. She kissed him back, sweating and nervous but feeling his hand squeeze hers was a reminder that they were in this together. She saw Ricardo again, the same one that had been there when she first moved in. When he was so inspired and clearly in love that Dee thought she had died and gone to heaven.
“Uh oh,” she heard her mom say from the front seat.
“What?” Keisha screamed.
“I’m running out of gas,” Janet said as the car slowed down. Dee didn’t want to panic, but there wasn’t much else to do.
Janet pulled the car to the side of the road, getting out to start flagging someone down.
“What are we going to do?” Dee yelled.
“It’s fine, I’m not going to let anything happen,” Ricardo told her.
“That’s all I want to hear you say,” Dee said back. She was in a lot of pain but being next to Ricardo filled her with love. Her body felt like it was on fire, ready to push a baby out. She had been through that experience before and knew that she didn’t have long before the baby came.
“I’m calling 911,” he told her as he pulled out his phone. Dee was just wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt. She saw that her mom had managed to flag someone down and held Ricardo’s hand for a few moments as she felt the worst contraction yet.
“It’s happening! He’s coming!” Dee said as she felt her baby trying to make his way out. It was a big baby already, but having already had a child, Dee was lucky enough to not feel the pain of pushing him out as much as the first time. As soon as she saw that mucus covered face, she didn’t feel anything at all other than love. Looking into his mouth gasping for air and his eyes still closed, Dee felt connected to something greater than her and Ricardo’s love. Their passion had transcended into this little boy, and there he was, screaming and ready to be alive.
Ricardo took his shirt off and scraped out as much mucus from his face as possible as Dee held him in her arms. She patted his chest a bit as he lay on her chest, and eventually, he started crying. Hearing that scream was the greatest noise that Dee and Ricardo ever heard.
Ricardo held Dee as she held their baby. Behind them, the sky filled with ambulance lights, the car filled with love.
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