Dee walked in the door to silence, assuming that’s what she was going to get anyways. The baby shower ended before the sunset, but people had still stuck around, starting to crack open beers. Dee figured it’d turn into a party, but it seemed everyone was already in bed by the time Dee had arrived at the house. She spent some time crying in bed, took a shower, and packed things for her and Keisha, not saying anything else to Ricardo before she left. It hurt knowing that he was fine with just watching her walk out the door, but if that was the man he was, then she was glad she found that out sooner than later. Still didn’t feel soon enough, but she couldn’t be too picky.
Dee looked around the house, liking that it was small and humble. She had forgotten what cozy places had felt like the past few months, hopping around fancy restaurants in the city and spending her time in the massive and open loft. Even though the house was smaller than what she was used to now, she was still feeling lonely walking into the dark home. She was happy she hadn’t given her keys back yet, wondering if she would have been locked out of the house. If it was this lonely at the house filled with people past dark, what was it going to be like at the house Ricardo had built for her? Was she going to be living there alone?
That would certainly be nice, but at the same time, she didn’t want to be a single mom anymore. She was excited to decorate the home and help it grow to her taste, creating a sanctuary for her children and her family. At the same time, she didn’t want to do it alone. Ricardo was pretty skeptical about their relationship for a while, never giving her a clear answer. She had just hoped that meant they were taking things slow, not that he was slowly trying to distance himself from her.
She felt so good with Ricardo, but something was just a little off. That doubt weighed heavily on her. Part of a true relationship was trust and knowing that the other person was there for you and always going to be there for you. She knew that Ricardo was always going to be there for her kids, but that didn’t mean that he would be the support system she was looking for.
Dee set her stuff down by the stairs and walked to the fridge, excited to eat some leftovers from the party. She saw a beer sitting in the fridge, wanting more than anything to crack it open. She remembered that even after she gave birth, she’d still have to wait until she was done breast-feeding to have a beer again. She filled a plate with whatever she could find and made her way into the living room, seeing if there was anything worth watching left on nighttime TV. It was hard for her to stop thinking about Ricardo, unfortunately.
He wasn’t an easy person to get to open up. He was even harder to try and understand. Dee was very to the point and liked to lay things out there. It might take her a while to get there, but once she was ready to open up, she was willing to spill all of her feelings. As she shoveled cake into her face, she heard the front door jiggle.
Sydney and Janet came stumbling in. Dee realized that they hadn’t been asleep, but instead, they must have gone out after the baby shower. Dee didn’t expect anything less from the two party girls.
“Sis what are you doing here?” Sydney said. Dee started crying, feeling overwhelmed by the reality of the situation. “Oh my gosh, what’s wrong?”
“Sweet girl what happened to you?” Janet asked, sitting down next to her crying daughter. Dee could smell the alcohol on the two, but she figured now was the best time to unleash the truth.
“Mom, I have to come home,” Dee said crying. She was pregnant and with a child already, no idea what the future held. “He doesn’t love me.”
Dee was hysterical at this point. Sydney had come to sit next to her on the other side, both women holding Dee and doing their best to keep her from sobbing any harder. Dee started to worry about putting that much stress on the baby, but at the same time, it felt good to get everything out. She felt like she had been holding too much in during her and Ricardo’s time together.
“I knew he’d just use you up,” Janet told her first daughter. “You always let these men use you.”
“Me? I let men use me? What do you do with them Mom?” Dee said. She was getting upset that that was her mother’s reaction. Like it was somehow Dee’s fault that Ricardo didn’t want to marry and start a family with her. Ricardo hadn’t used her for anything. She felt like part of her used him, though she certainly felt real love for the man and father of her child.
“Child don’t drag me into this,” Janet said, pulling away from Dee a bit. She was annoyed that her mother always knew how to turn something into a personal attack, and she figured out it was probably best to avoid having this conversation with her drunk mother who was probably looking for a bit of a fight.
Her mom wasn’t too far off, however. She was on the right track to follow in her mother’s footsteps. Would she be her age, have three different kids from three different men that left her and living with her grandmother? She’d have the house, but that didn’t mean that she wouldn’t be alone. Ozzie wasn’t around because he died, but if he hadn’t been shot, would he still have wanted to be with Dee? She started to wonder if it was possible for anyone to love her besides her family members that had to do so unconditionally.
Dee certainly loved her mother unconditionally, but she didn’t want to end up like her. She prioritized men too much, forgetting to take care of herself and her children. Dee did not want to be that person, hoping that her children would always come first, then herself, then the man in her life. She had put too much pressure on Ricardo. She became dependent on him, not standing up for herself and getting what she expected from him.
She hated watching her mother let men walk all over her, not wanting to deal with a real adult relationship. Sleazy guys came in and out of her life, but it seemed like that’s all that had any interest in the single mother of three different kids from three different fathers. She wasn’t even sure who the father of Jordan was, potentially being two different men that wanted nothing to do with Janet. Dee got anxiety again thinking about her next child. Would this be it for her? Would she be able to find another man that would take on two of her kids? Dee didn’t want to start over.
It wasn’t even that she was scared of dating again, she just didn’t think that she would be able to fall for someone other than Ricardo. For that, she felt like she was in love with him. Her heart hadn’t ached that much in a long time, realizing it was likely because it was broken by someone she had given it to.
“I’m just going to go to bed,” Dee said, walking upstairs to her bed, leaving the plate of food on the table and the TV still running. Sydney looked angrily at Janet, mad that she made Dee feel worse than she already had felt.
She walked upstairs, glad to see that her bed was in the same place, still with the same sheets and blankets on it as well. She thought that she’d never have to sleep on that bed again, but here she was.
Dee knew that she would always be taken care of, but it wasn’t the money that scared her. That used to be her biggest stressor and priority. Now that she knew she wouldn’t have to worry about that, other anxieties set in and she couldn’t seem to shut her brain off if she wanted to. Being alone was something that started to scare her more than being broke. She just didn’t want to have to see another child grow up alone like she did Keisha. When she took her first step, said her first word, and did anything else that seemed like a milestone for a toddler, Dee was alone. She didn’t have someone there to laugh and celebrate with her when Keisha learned something amazing.
She had her mother, grandmother, Marge and Sydney, of course. It’s not like they weren’t enough, she just wanted to have someone next to her all the time, reminding her that she wasn’t alone. Another parent to help her through the tough stuff and to celebrate the fun things.
She didn’t want to have to discipline alone. That was another part that scared her about being a single mom. She saw so many women with two or more kids in public that would yell at their children, clearly stressed out from being overwhelmed. She didn’t want to turn into that person. She wanted to be a happy mom, the kind that walked hand in hand with their toddler and the father down the sidewalk, not a care in the world. She started to wonder if that would ever happen at all for her, let alone just occur with Ricardo.
She didn’t want to be the one to wake up every single time the baby cried at night. Having Ricardo step in to help out with Keisha in the mornings and at night was a dream come true, especially during the uncomfortable periods of her pregnancy. What was she going to do when she woke up every morning and had a baby to feed as well as Keisha to get ready for school? She would have Sydney in the apartment above the garage, but still, that wasn’t the same as waking up next to someone that offered to change the baby’s diaper when it cried. How could she breast-feed a baby at the same time that she had to prepare a meal for another one?
Dee started to realize that her dreams of returning to law school might not be possible as a single mother of two either. She knew now that he was gone that she loved Ricardo, but she was also starting to hate him. How could he do this to her? To Keisha? What was she going to tell her daughter while they stayed with their mother? She’d certainly ask about “Rico” wondering where the man that started to become her father had gone. She knew that Ricardo had to spend time with his son before he went to college too, but Keisha had become dependent on him as a caretaker as well, the absence potentially being a harmful and confusing concept for the little girl to grasp.
He might not have been ready for the family life, but she wasn’t ready for the lonely life. Just having someone there to watch TV with and do nothing was the best part about a relationship. Having a warm body to hold her while she fell asleep and a beating heart to wake up to was a reminder to Dee that she was loved and deserved to be treated that way. Now that he was gone, she wondered what flaw in her had led him to leave? Thinking like that was not good for Dee, as Ricardo was the one with the inability to commit. Dee was still hard on herself, wondering what she could have done differently to keep Ricardo around.
She was ready to have someone to share the experiences of watching a little human grow. Seeing Keisha grow into a little human was the most amazing thing Dee had ever witnessed. She had habits that reminded her of Ozzie, however, making her only miss him more. It was hard to get over his death, knowing Keisha would never get the chance to get close to the person that made half of her. She didn’t want to look into the eyes of her and Ricardo’s son, getting reminded of his face and his actions, only to think about how he wasn’t there for her constantly. She loved Keisha, but she was still a partial reminder of what she lost whenever she’d see a bit of Ozzie in her facial expressions or other mannerisms.
All she wanted for her daughter was something that she didn’t have as a child. She was surrounded by strong women that loved her, but Dee certainly wanted to get to know her dad. She would refer to him as a sperm donor, making sure everyone knew that she didn’t care about her dad all too much one way or another. The truth was the opposite. She wanted to get to know him, talk to a person that shared her blood, and hopefully figure out a little bit more about herself than she was able to before she met someone she shared a bloodline with.
It broke her heart that Keisha would have to go through the same thing she did, wondering if her son was going to have to as well. It was a frustrating and hopeless feeling. She wanted to try and figure out how to get Ricardo back, but at the same time, she also didn’t want to have to fight for someone that wasn’t willing to fight for her.
Dee couldn’t sleep and decided to step outside to get some fresh air. She was feeling hot and stressed, uncomfortable even more in the twin bed she had to sleep in now back at her grandmother’s house.
She saw that Sydney had fallen asleep watching TV, picking at the snacks Dee had left on her plate. Her mother must have gone to bed. She stepped outside, looking at the beautiful city lights visible from the backyard. She remembered what Ricardo had said about Detroit as well. She knew that he didn’t want to live there, so that was something that she had to consider when she was thinking about their relationship. Even if they were mutually in love, would she feel OK making him love somewhere that he wasn’t totally in love with?
Ricardo had certainly seemed to warm up to the city, but at the same time, he would still make comments here and there about the state of the city or mention something that L.A. had that Detroit didn’t. She told herself this was just because he missed his son, but Dee also knew that if it weren’t for her, Ricardo probably wouldn’t have ever gone to Detroit in his life. Now he owned a loft as well as a house. Would she ever even see Pablo again? He was going to be the big brother to her baby, but how often would they really all make the effort to get together if Dee and Ricardo weren’t in a relationship?
Perhaps Dee was just feeling overwhelmed because she hadn’t co-parented before. Still, it was getting to be a bit much for her pregnancy, but she didn’t know how to escape. She wanted to not be stressed and keep cool and calm for her baby but shutting her brain off wasn’t an option.
“Honey, why you out here crying?” her grandmother asked sweetly as she made her way to the back porch through the kitchen door.
“Sorry, I didn’t think anyone would be up,” she said.
“It’s OK baby, your mom woke me up when she got into bed. Did you forget something here?” Nancy asked.
“No,” Dee said, starting to cry again, “I’m going to have to stay here again, if that’s OK. Me and Ricardo, we’re not really working out.”
“Oh honey, I’m so sorry,” Nancy said as she put her arm around Dee.
“I could have stayed there but I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to be in that house where he was, and his assistant was,” she said.
“You think that they were up to something?” Nancy asked. Dee didn’t really know how to answer. She didn’t think Ricardo had any interest in Anastasia, or at least he was good at hiding it. She still didn’t like the idea of her prancing around the apartment in high heels and short skirts.
“I don’t want to assume so, but I don’t know if I could trust him. He doesn’t love me Grandma. Do you know how bad that feels?” Dee asked crying.
“I know baby, I know,” Nancy said, hugging her crying daughter. She wasn’t sure that there was anything worse than loving someone but not feeling it back.
“You can’t let that stop you from loving your babies though. You still got plenty of people that think you’re the greatest woman on the planet, and don’t forget it,” Nancy told her.
“But I want him, I want him to love me.” Dee started crying. She felt like a little kid again that had bruised their knee and gone running to grandma. She just wanted Ricardo to love her back and tell her that everything was going to be OK. She wanted to be wrapped in his arms, hearing from him how he was going to take care of her and their little family.
“One thing I know for certain is that you are a strong group of women,” her grandma said sweetly. That was true. All of the girls had been through a lot and they were all still standing.
Breaking away from Ricardo seemed to be a bit of a good thing. She realized she was too dependent on him. She shouldn’t have to look to a man to get validation. She was worth it on her own. If he didn’t want her, that was his loss. She could tell herself that, but deep down, she was still breaking inside.
Her entire life revolved around this man and her children. Of course, they were her world, but she couldn’t forget about herself. She had to remind herself that she was still a strong and independent woman that needed to stop relying on what other people thought for her happiness. Still, now didn’t seem like the time to change her life around.
“I’m sorry Grandma,” Dee explained. “I’m just extremely hormonal.”
“No matter what happens, you’re going to have a beautiful little boy soon to hold and kiss and call your own. That’s all that matters,” Nancy said reassuringly.
“I know, you’re right,” Dee responded. She just wanted her little boy there now, knowing that once she got to finally meet him, she would feel so much love that she would forget about how badly Ricardo treated her, at least hopefully.
“No dumb photographer can make my grandbaby cry,” Nancy responded angrily. Dee laughed and headed inside, realizing that sleep was the best thing for her sore and puffy eyes. She wasn’t going to bed next to Ricardo, and she wondered what he was doing back at the loft at that moment.