“Hello?” I say, grabbing the phone impatiently and grumbling to whoever DARES to interrupt my meeting. I’m busy! This better be good…

“Hey, buddy boy! It’s David. How’s the king of the Troy Empire? Any more rich and famous and you’d be Trojan Prince Paris from Homer’s Iliad. Which I say only because I saw the great film ‘Troy’ by Wolfgang Petersen and starring Brad Pitt before he got all crusty looking.”

“Kind of busy right now, David.”

“Ohhh, good for you. Getting a good night’s rest so we can review next year’s projections of Troy Jewelry tomorrow? Smart thinking.”

“Well…no, actually. I’m really busy on other pressing matters.”

“Well, I assume you’re not talking about the merger between Maxfield and Bergam. That’s very hush-hush and it’s somewhat presumptuous to be brainstorming that now.”

“NO, David. No, it’s not about business!”

“Why, that’s the most absurd thing you’ve ever said! Everything is about business. Even begrudgingly making love to your wife is taxable if you know the right people.”

“David, I got to go. We’ll talk about this tomorrow.”

“Some of this stuff can’t wait, Mister Troy! We’ve got deadlines you know. February 14^th is Valentine’s Day and your greeting card company really needs the okay on some new risky ventures in Europe.”

“Tell them to go fuck themselves!”

“Is that you want the greeting card to say?”

“Why are you harassing me, David? Can’t you tell I’m busy?”

I sigh as David hears the background noise. Some frolicking young women who have just found my master bedroom and are playing with all the toys.

“Are you going to give us the grand tour, Mister Troy?” Tara sings.

“Yeah, baby! Your wives are waiting!” Denise says.

“Wives?” David says, that sarcastic burn in his voice. “Did you get married over the weekend?”

“Not legally, no. But these girls Tara and Denise said they’re into threesome marriages. Like polyamorous love. We’re actually dating without having sex for a while. But if all goes well, we’re thinking of marrying each other in a three-way marriage. I think I’m digging it, David. They make me feel young again.”

“You know that’s not legal, right?”

“Yeah, but Trump’s dictatorship can’t last forever. Come on, David. YOU’RE the one who told me to get over Maya and get on with my life. And I think this is the best I’ve felt since Maya and I said goodbye. We’re just happier when we’re not in each other’s lives.”

“Why did you break up with Maya anyway?”

“Seriously, David? You want to ask me questions about my ex while I’m fixing to have a threesome marriage? What kind of a monster are you?”

“She dumped you. Got it. And did you ever ask her why?”

“Because she gave all sorts of ridiculous reasons. The simple truth was she didn’t want me. The end. Respect her decision.”

“And what did I always teach you about believing the first thing a salesperson tells you? It’s usually bullshit. She’s bluffing. She’s waiting for you to go sweep her off her feet and convince her to say yes with some of that magical poetry that comes so naturally to a man with a working dick.”

“She’s not, David! I seem to be the only one to get that…”

“What was the last thing she told you?”

“I don’t know,” I say tiredly, eying my two future wives who are now pillow fighting on my bed in their bras and panties. “Something about how it’s time to stop searching and time to start living and enjoying a family. Some Hallmark bullshit.”

“There you go. She’s preggers. And she’s afraid to tell you.”

“What? That’s stupid. She’s not pregnant!”

“Why else would she say ‘enjoying a family’? She doesn’t want to commit to you, good lad, because she is with child. No sane woman talks about having a family with her boyfriend unless she’s already answered the call of duty.”

“David, two girls want to have sex with me right now and it’s totally based on my personality and our strong mental connection. No liquor, no drugs. Nothing to do with money! That’s pretty special if you ask me.”

“I’m just telling you what I know, buddy boy. If you really want this girl, she’s still available. But that sale ends soon, if you understand the marketing lingo. Soon enough, she’s going to be a single mom and her standards for love will change dramatically.”

I shake my head…until I start blinking in doubt. Could she have…would she have…oh God, I did come inside of her, didn’t I?

“David…even if this is true…how in the hell would you know all this?”

“Because I’m a fixer of problems, Zander. It’s what I do. And I think the most efficient way to guide you to happiness is to point out the elephant in the room that everyone else sees, but you still seem to be missing.”

“Which is what?”

“The girl loves you. You just can’t see it.”

“Well, if she was pregnant, why didn’t she just tell me?”

“Maybe, sweetie, because you bird-pooped on anything having to do with children, marriage or commitment!” David roasts me back. “Or maybe because she’s just so deathly afraid of rejection, she would rather suffer in silence than have her heart handed to her by such a voracious raptor as Mister Troy.”

“Oh God. You…you think that’s what it is?” My face falls and a sickening feeling rises into my gut, passed my swelling heart, and up into my throbbing head. “You really think Maya’s in love with…and she’s carrying my…my…”

“Your bastard son? Yes, yes, I do.”

“Oh God. I’m going to be a father? I’ll be someone’s dad? That’s something no other woman has ever offered me. That’s…that’s…more than I deserve. This is the best deal that’s ever come across the table. This is a…dream come true!”

“Well you might NOT be a father if you keep rambling about it or have another orgy with those gold diggers rather than getting your ass down to her apartment.”

“Okay…okay…I got to go! I got to go!”

I sing out in unrestrained happiness, filling the room with my quivering voice. My hands are waving up and down and I feel like light is protruding from my chest, comic-book-villain style. I have to ask her. I have to take that chance. I have to get out of here!

I run into the living room and grab my coat. Still carrying the phone, I slam the door behind me. I have to take my own car…I have to get to Maya’s house right now!

Oh shit. I hurry back inside my bachelor pad with a squinting and teeth chattering face. I just now realized I still have to get rid of Tara and Denise, who I’ve treated very rudely. Shit, I hope they don’t start protesting my public appearances.

“Oh, sorry…” I say to the girls, still holding the phone, still only wearing my plaid flannel pajamas. Damn…I guess I should get dressed into something a little sexier before I go meet the love of my life.

They tilt their head at me in judgment.

“So sorry. David, what am I going to do with Denise and Tara?”

“Well,” David says with that grinning snarl of his. “Ask them if they have grandpa issues. And if so, I’ll be right over!” David laughs like an evil old pirate, still managing to put a grin on my face even when I’m this close to bursting into tears.

That David…how he’s such an expert in reading people and discovering the hidden meanings in words. How he does it, I’ll never know!