I haven’t heard from Zander in a long while. I have mixed emotions on letting go of someone so powerful in my life and so attune to what I’m feeling. I intentionally ignored his texts and his calls, but not because I really believed anything I said to him.

I know he loves me. And I know part of me loves him. It’s not because he has money or because he’s confident or a sex god. What keeps us apart is that he refuses to become emotionally vulnerable! He has no concept of what it means to trust somebody and to give of himself. It’s all performance with him, it’s his raging narcissism that drives every decision he makes.

I’ve talked to my parents about our troubled relationship. They seem to have this strange idea that I’m rejecting Zander because he’s not “Catholic” enough. I don’t argue them. But Jesus, talk about a failure to communicate.

“Maya, we understand. And we’ve talked to Zander, too. Zander needs someone more like him and you need someone more like you.”

“Maybe you’re right, Mom…”

“You need another man who has a good heart. And who’s not so worldly wise.”

“Well…”

“And another virgin like you are! Zander is the type of guy who might try to steal your virginity!”

I give Mom a look and shake off my incoming headache. “You’re right, mom. Totally.”

I know I can’t talk to Zander about this. Zander is completely self-absorbed and will make the conversation all about him. But this isn’t ABOUT him, I wish I could make him understand that. Ignoring him is the only option. I just need him to go away, to let me be. To let someone ELSE talk to me, someone else besides him.

And yet my list of cool people who I can actually talk to—that is, people whom I haven’t had sex with, and who don’t just lecture me about God—is surprisingly empty. I regret that I slept with Renee and Zander and can no longer consider either of them an impartial listener. I even tried to do the unthinkable and phone Billy. But he refuses to pick up. I guess Billy really is a man of his word. He kept his promise to Zander, took his money and ran.

I suppose I could reach out to one of my old high school friends, or a friend of a friend from church. But dammit, I really don’t have anything in common with those people anymore. They think they know me…but they only know one side of me, one 2D version of me that doesn’t even exist anymore. They have no idea who the present me is!

Maybe what I need is to talk to someone completely oblivious of my life and what I “ought” to be doing. Someone whose interest in me is minimal, completely ignorant, and emotionally bereft to the point where he really doesn’t care about my existence one way or the other—or anything outside of my womanhood.

Speaking, of course, of Antonio, a man who sort of knows me…in that we both fucked madly in a spontaneous threesome in a VIP room. Ironically, this man who only knows how supple my breasts are and just how wet I get when two big guys manhandle my vagina, IS the only man who best understands the Maya of the Present.

Or at least he understands her as well as I do.

I wait patiently at the bar as I watch Antonio hassling the bartender and talking frantically on the phone. He hasn’t seen me yet, but I like the idea of just observing him. We shared something intimate together, something that will never happen again. A “you had to be there” moment that was a small miracle. I don’t regret it…but I can’t quite reconcile what happened and what it means. To know that I once fucked somebody who hardly remembers me now is an erotic thrill. A tingling sensation comes over me. I know his secrets. I know how he loves. I know his weakness, his unspeakable preferences.

Oh yes, and I also know he loves money. Like everyone else who Zander Troy controls, manipulates, and “loves”.

“I told you I wanted that marble at the price they listed!” he yells to his cell phone. What a surprise…the bastard lost his strong Italian accent. Now he talks just like any Italian buffoon born in the states. “No, you tell him I’m the client! I’m the one at his doorstep. We made a deal, Ricky!”

“Hey,” I say, finding his distracted eyes.

“Hey,” he says rudely, not even recognizing me. “I can’t go now, Ricky. I’m needed here at the bar. I swear to God, I will kill you if I don’t get that shipment in by tomorrow evening. Everything is riding on this…this…”

He stares at my tits popping out of my sexy, low-neckline plunge dress. And suddenly he remembers Did I suck on those nipples?

“Oh,” he says, finally meeting my eyes and remembering our unspeakable affair. “Gotta call you back.” He hangs up the phone and smiles…awkwardly.

“What happened to your accent, Tony?”

“Uhhhhh…” He starts faking it again. “I am a so happy to see you!”

“Oh, cut the shit. Just tell me. Why the accent? Was that Zander’s idea?”

“Uhh…Zander said every virgin fools around with a foreign guy at some point in her life. Something about how all men are the same but some have funnier voices than others. And girls like funny voices. I don’t know, it was his idea. For as much money as he paid me, I would have pretended to be Sophia Loren.”

“I know everything now. How my boyfriend set you up, paid you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t even realize—you’re the owner of this bar, aren’t you?”

“Yeah. What can I say, I’m a working man. We’re all bitches for guys like Zander.”

“So I’ve heard. Did you at least enjoy it? What we did together?”

“Yes,” he says reluctantly.

“Gee, don’t over-flatter me, Tony. I hate nice guys, ya know.”

“I’m sorry! Uh...yes, I enjoyed it,” he says nervously. “But having a threesome with my highest paying client’s girlfriend…is…well, slightly more nerve-racking than performing a live sex show. If you get my drift.”

“Ah, I see. Well, at least you didn’t have any erectile dysfunction problems. I mean, look on the bright side.”

“Well yes, I’m grateful for that!” He laughs nervously.

“Can we talk somewhere private?”

“I—?”

“Not about sex. Don’t worry. I’m not here to force sex on you and make your life sooo very uncomfortable.”

“But I’m assuming it’s about Zander.”

“Don’t we all get it by now? The whole world revolves around Zander Troy.”

Tony nervously paces around the VIP room holding a drink—the same room where he stuffed his cock into my mouth and defiled my once-virginal tits. I can’t wipe the grin off my face, which only unnerves the poor guy, who just tries to make his customers very happy.

“Uh…this is awkward.” He points to the pool table…

“Tony, you talking about it only makes it more awkward.”

“Right. Moving on. Can I pour you a drink?”

“No. Why do I feel like the mobster’s girlfriend whenever I talk to Zander’s people?”

“Zander isn’t a violent man. But he has more money than he knows what to do with. And certain people around him, well…let’s just say they have no problems with violence.”

“Really?”

“I like Zander!” he assures me. “I’m just saying…I hope he continues to walk in the opposite path of his father. Then maybe he’ll leave the world in better shape than he found it.”

“Yeah, I kind of get the feeling that his father was a prick. But what can you do. Every generation is only slightly better than the last one.”

“How is Zander?”

“I don’t know,” I say reluctantly.

“You haven’t talked to him since…”

“Not really. I mean…I basically told him it’s over.”

“Oh, I see.”

“Am I right or am I wrong?”

Tony shakes his head.

“Just be honest, Tony.”

“Honestly, I don’t care. It’s your life.”

I nod…until Tony finally relaxes a bit and speaks from the heart.

“I mean, you want to be in a relationship where the guy calls all the shots? Where he must know where you are at all times? Where he’s traveling halfway across the world and you can only pray he’s not cheating on you with some hot stewardess? I wouldn’t marry the guy. What else you want to know?”

“I guess stupid questions…”

“Right!”

“I’m sorry for troubling you, Tony. And yes, it really is sad that you’re the closest thing to a platonic friend I have right now. Which isn’t saying much. I used to talk to a priest. But he just tells me that I’m no longer ‘innocent’ now.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, the conversation went something like…”

“Bless me, Father, for I’ve sinned.”

“Now what did you do?”

“Umm…I probably shouldn’t say.”

“Why are you in confession then?”

“It’s not about my sin. It’s about the emptiness in my life. I feel like I can’t make the right decision…and like I don’t have anyone to confide in.”

“Confide in me. Tell me what dirty things you did.”

“Father? I don’t think that’s appropriate conversation!”

“I’m a priest! And I know you’ve done something bad, I can sense it in your voice. God knows.”

“How dare you! I’m not telling you my private life! You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Father! And in the house of God! What’s the matter with you!”

“Huh,” Antonio says. “Well that is kind of what he does, listen to confessions.”

“Yeah, but ew? Just creepy.”

“Okay, go on.”

“Anyway, my parents are also out of touch with reality. They really don’t understand the real me. And it kind of sucks. That they see me as the same innocent little girl…and part of me, you know, doesn’t want to disappoint them. Part of me still feels that way, you know?”

“Right…”

“And of course, talking to my friend Renee is just…so weird and I don’t even want to get into all that. My other friend Billy won’t return my calls. All I wanted…”

I tear up and cough my way through the next sentence, stopping myself from crying.

“All I wanted was to not be alone on Valentine’s Day.”

“Ah kid,” he mumbles, motioning me to sit back down and listen. “I don’t want to get in between you and Zander’s business. But since you’re asking me…all I can think to ask is, what are you running from? You say you’re running away from Zander but why?”

“Because I’m a fucking idiot, that’s why!” I cry silently, holding my head.

Tony stares at me in confusion until I start patting my stomach giving him the message.

“Hungry?”

I snap and frown at him. Patting my stomach again and rolling my head back and forth.

“I still don’t get it. Fat? You’re fat?”

I snap and stomp in frustration. “Pregnant! I’m pregnant, Tony!”

“Oh, you’re…pregnant?” he whispers.

I silently nod my head.

“It’s not…it’s not…” He repeatedly waves his hands, going pale-faced.

I shake my head in spite.

“Oh, thank God,” he says, getting the blood back into his head and laughing in relief.

I sniff in my tears and struggle to speak. “I’ve been resisting him so long. At first it felt right. Then it turned me on, you know, to have a guy like Zander chasing me. But now…it’s just a compulsion. I don’t know HOW to be kind to him. I’m scared to death. And I don’t know how to tell him, or how to tell my parents that I’m pregnant.”

“Are you sure it’s Zander’s baby?”

“Of course I’m sure, dingus!” I snap back. “I knew it was his dick coming a mile away. I just wanted to indulge him in my fantasy. Or, let me rephrase, indulge him in what he THOUGHT my fantasy was.”

“Jesus Christ, we know way too much about each other.”

“Yeah,” I say, twirling my hair in my fingers. “I guess that’s why most people don’t stay friends after they bump uglies.”

“Good point. Well…are you going to keep the baby?”

“Yes, of course! I mean…I don’t know. I always saw myself having a baby, you know, someday in the future. After I married my husband. After I lost my virginity to some ‘special guy’ I would never see again.”

“And Zander was the special guy you thought you would never see again.”

“Yeah. In that moment, I wanted him so badly. I wanted him to come inside me. If it was anyone, ever, for the rest of my life, I wanted it to be him. But how do I tell him that?”

“So tell him!”

“He doesn’t want a baby. He said so. He said marriage and children are not his thing. I don’t want…”

“What?”

“I don’t want to complicate his life. I want to take care of this on my own, regardless of what I decide to do. It’s not his problem. I won’t make it his problem.”

“You have to follow your heart,” Tony says with a shrug. “People will tell you what you should do for hours at a time. But in the end, it’s up to you. You have to live with your decision.”

“And that means what?”

“It means be strong. Stop letting other people decide for you. You have to live with your heart after the fact. No one else does. You do. That’s why people always say, I’d do it again. In a heartbeat! Because they know they couldn’t live with themselves afterward if they didn’t do it.”

“And if it were a normal guy, maybe I would. But Zander…”

“Let me ask you this. What first attracted you to Zander? Was it the money? The fame?”

“No…it was his honesty. Well, I should reiterate. His honesty on camera. And then discovering the real Zander. But…even then he was always honest. To a fault, you could say.”

“So all this time, you’re telling me Zander has been honest with you, even though it’s gotten him in the doghouse. Right?”

“Yeah? So?”

“Why do you think he’s honest with you all the time? Because he respects you?”

“Yes…” I say, after fighting away all my angry thoughts. Zander disrespects women. Zander doesn’t care about people. Zander doesn’t want to be happy. But none of it is true. It’s all the lies I’ve been telling myself. “Zander is a lot of things… a helluva lot of things and not all good. But I know he respects me.”

“So why in the world are you disrespecting him by not giving him the whole truth?”

The revelation shoves me so hard I wake up and my heart sinks. “I…don’t know.”

“Look, I don’t know Zander as well as you do. Maybe you know something about him I don’t. But the least you could do, if you care about him at all, is tell him what happened. And let him speak his piece. Maybe, I don’t know, maybe he’ll be a bastard. Or maybe not. But at least you’ll know for sure then. You can make a decision with a complete mind, right?”

“Right...okay…I’ll do that.”

“Give people some room to surprise you and they might surprise you. Know what I mean?”