The idea of Zander chasing me has me all horny and brainless lately. I’m at that point where it doesn’t matter that I know this relationship is going to be toxic. I just want the adrenaline, I want the intoxication. I want all the drama and hurt feelings that come with the reluctant orgasms. It’s all part of the delirious package, the contract I sign to experience dangerous sex. I’ve had this cross of virginity taken from me and now all that’s left is a demon inside. Craving more sin, craving the perversity that was promised if I swayed from the path of righteousness.

“It’s been a long time,” the priest says, recognizing my voice, which is now tainted with guilt, throaty with worldly wisdom and moral stains that can never be wiped clean.

“I’m here to confess.”

“You went chasing after the world. Most people do reach a dead-end at some point.”

“Yes. But that’s not what I want to confess.” Why would I? I’ve never been happier chasing the world, the world in the elusive decadent billionaire. The Devil himself, Zander Troy. An addiction I have yet to fully embrace.

“I’ve acted selfishly…I’ve hurt other people. I want to repent for that.”

“Who did you hurt?”

“My friend. My heart blinded me to how stupid I was acting. It was a stupid fight over a guy. I owe her an apology.”

“Have you spoken to her?”

“No. I cut her out of my life entirely.”

“Then maybe you should go to her first before confession.”

“I know…I just…part of me still feels jealous. Part of me still hates her.”

“Are you in love with this man now?”

“No,” I answer quickly, all too aware that this can’t be love, whatever this obsession is.

“But you regret that your escapades cost you a valuable friendship.”

“Maybe. Something like that.”

“Maybe by avoiding a conversation with her, you’ve only complicated the situation further.”

“What do you mean? She’s not with him either. He left her and then I shunned her for stabbing me in the back. Now I want nothing to do with him. That’s it.”

“Mmm-hmm,” the priest says tiredly. “Youth. How unfortunate that even I, in my old age, understand the secret motivations of your friends even better than you do.”

“What?”

After a strange clairvoyant moment with the priest, I decided to confront Zander in his office. He had obviously been slacking all day, legs up on his chair and surfing the Internet on his tablet.

“I thought we broke up?”

I stare at him in quiet resentment. “Just answer me one question honestly. I promise I won’t get mad.”

“I’ve never lied about anything. Go ahead.”

“You’re still fucking Renee, aren’t you? Even after our affair, you were still seeing her.”

“No. But I intend to see her.”

I stare at him, tongue in cheek. Silent stewing resentment…jealousy…but not anger. After all, he’s not lying. I can only be so catty in a situation like this.

“I’m going to fuck her.”

“Why?”

“Because you made it clear we’re not together,” he says, his eyes staring me down in vengeance. “Perhaps we were never together, nothing beyond a few dates where we both got what we wanted.”

“You got a hot young body and used me.”

“Yes and you used me. We used each other. We traded sex for sex. Are you here to tell me you’re in love with me?”

“No,” I answer sharply. “I don’t believe in love, Zander.”

“That makes two of us.”

“So go ahead and date Renee.”

“I am going to. And I don’t need your permission.”

“Good, well I guess that’s all. I have a date too.”

“Couldn’t care less.” He shrugs. “Oh, but…I do request one thing.”

“What?”

“I want you to apologize to Renee.”

“WHAT? Why would I do that?”

“Because you shunning Renee hurt her feelings immensely. The last conversation we had, YOU were all she talked about. She was very upset at the way you treated her. I want you to apologize to her.”

“I’m not apologizing to her. Girlfriends don’t do that to each other.”

“I’m telling you to apologize,” he says with a glower.

“Oooh, so scared, big daddy. But no, I don’t give a damn. I’ve lost interest in the both of you. Have a good life.”

“Then allow me to apologize first. I’m sorry I slept with your friend. I’m sorry I crossed the line. Now, please, apologize to her. Let’s keep this cycle of goodwill going. This kind of thing could change the world, you know.”

“Yeah, Zander, I’m sure you do think your dick is the thing that’s going to change the world. But no.”

“Just talk to her. You don’t have to apologize but I want there to be peace. I don’t want my relationship with Renee tarnished. I don’t want you to be the only topic of conversation.”

“Your relationship with her? How long have you liked her?!”

“I liked her from the moment I first met her. But I LEFT HER to be with you. Out of respect for YOU. Now that we’re through, I’m going back to her.”

“Oh really?” I say, folding my arms. More annoyed than actually hurt. “You’re going to have a serious relationship with HER? With a slut like Renee?”

“She’s not a slut. I’ve liked her from the very beginning. And who says that I’m not looking for a serious relationship?”

“Oh bullshit,” I say with a harsh laugh. “You will never be in a serious relationship.”

“Yes. I will. And I plan to. Renee might even be the one I’m looking for.”

“Oh, yeah right!” My jealous instincts take control over me. Strange, especially since I don’t care. But just the idea of him and her together is grating on my nerves. “No, Renee isn’t the one you want, trust me.”

“Why would I trust you? You’re the one who made it clear that we’re finished, Maya. You’re young…I imagine some day you will mature to the point where you understand how a thirty-year-old man feels about loveless sex.”

I send him an evil glance. “Fine. I forgive her. Just both of you, stay the hell away from me. Okay?”

He’s unsatisfied. But I’m tired of dueling his monstrously dark eyes. I just need some time away from him. Maybe this is some weird virgin hangover thing, but all I feel is revulsion at this man and his inability to just keep his hands to himself for more than three days.

Back at work. Renee has been staring at me all day. The last two weeks, we’ve been avoiding each other. I told her what I thought about her then and I cut her out of my life. Now, I’m sure she’s aware that I had a “talk” with her new boyfriend. I’m sure she wants to get my opinion on it but is too chickenshit to actually say it to my face.

I know…I shouldn’t be so butt-hurt about this. I was the one that ended it with Zander first. He basically dumped Renee for me…which was cool. Although I seriously doubt he “dumped her” in the official sense. Having sex is just a bodily function for Zander Troy. He doesn’t believe in relationships. I was the ONLY “relationship” he’s had, probably in months…maybe years.

But I had no choice but to break away. Giving me a threesome of hulking men just days after I lost my virginity was a bit much. Sure, I came. Sure, I have no regrets and it was fucking awesome. But dating that freak is like downing hard whiskey. You don’t do that glorious shit every day…just sometimes on the weekends.

I really have no idea what my future is. Is my destiny to date a lot more guys like Zander before I settle down with a guy like Billy, realizing the futility of loveless sex?

God, I have five more hours of this filing and stamping shit here at the tax office. Time to just zone out and pray for the end of the day…

My eyes open wide as Renee stands in front of me. I’m seated, halfway daydreaming. Not sure if she’s going to smack me or lecture me. I shake my head, snapping back to reality. Oh, crap it’s already quitting time.

To my surprise, she plops a bottle of scotch on my desk.

“You can’t have that in here!” I say, looking around the room.

“Relax, they’re all gone. Want to go to a BYOB restaurant and talk about it?”

“No, I don’t,” I say passively.

“Then just come for the fucking dessert and free scotch.”

I sigh deeply. “Fine.”

Renee drove me over to Palano’s and, indeed, brought the scotch. We were definitely going to need a few drinks to reconcile all that had happened…and to salvage whatever was left of our friendship.

I watch in equanimity as she pours us both a drink.

She looks at the dessert menu, while I silently shake in seething anger. I want to scream…I want to curse…but God, the tiramisu looks really good!

I shrug my anger off and join her at looking at these other recreational drugs, the chocolate, calorie-filled variety.

“Take a drink,” she says. “You’re so goddamned sober all the time.”

“So are we going to talk about this or what?”

“Take a drink first.”

“Fine!” I gulp down a shot and the burn shakes me up. “Mmm…”

“There. Now do you hate me a little less?”

“Uhhhh…” I take another shot. “I don’t hate you.”

“Really?” she asks.

“The truth is…I can’t admit the truth now that I’m tipsy…”

“Yeah and after you selfishly sucked Zander’s cock for yourself.”

I glare at Renee until we both giggle.

“Admit it,” she says. “You were just really mad at me because I had sex with him before you did. And you wanted him.”

“No…”

“And now that you’ve had him, you don’t hate me as much. We hated each other, we both got laid, now we’re over it.”

“Well, first of all, it wasn’t just sex with us. I was…I was…”

“What?” Renee interrupts. “In love with him? Not like all the other girls, but really starting to feel something special with him? Yeah…that’s what every girl thinks, honey.”

I listen nervously, covering my mouth.

“And then you gave up on him. Like all the other girls. Because Zander has no rock bottom. He has no sense of empathy for anyone.”

“Then why are you seriously dating him?” I snipe back.

Renee laughs quietly. “Zander thinks we’re seriously dating. I’m not that stupid. I know he’ll get bored of me eventually. But why not tag along for the ride?”

“Are you in love with him?”

“I do understand him. The fear of commitment. The non-existent emotional intimacy. The empty soul inside that only comes to life when there’s drugs, parties and fucking? Maybe I understand him so well because we’re the same.”

“And you realize he’s going to break your heart one day? I mean, Jesus, Renee…don’t you have any self-respect? I wouldn’t do that to my own heart.”

“You have a heart, Maya? Good for you…but speak for yourself.” She downs another shot of whiskey and smiles.

It was hard making up with Renee, at least at first. Petty feelings of jealousy still poked at me. She was dating my ex-lover. She was making out with the guy who not too long ago professed that he loved me.

But then I reminded myself that being illogically jealous was such apelike behavior. Who cares if she was fucking my ex? He wasn’t even my ex, he was just my Valentine’s Day gift, so to speak. A gift I gave myself. The fact that I broke things off with him just proved that I knew we weren’t compatible in the long-term. It was the logical thing to do, the feminist thing to do. Sure better than being all cutesy and sending him smoochy texts all day and begging for his attention!

I’m a proud woman. Maybe I’m not a virgin anymore but I still consider myself special and so I am deserving of a special man. Someone who appreciates the honor of being with me. Someone who is completely satisfied being with me and just me. And he doesn’t lust after any of my friends, for starters!

Renee and I have tried to be friends again and it’s worked—with some reservations. I made it clear I don’t want to talk about Zander. I don’t know exactly what it is that he and I have together, but it’s not friendship and it’s not a relationship. I prefer not to think about him at this stage in my life. Renee agreed to those terms and so, with that golden rule in mind, we actually started hanging out on Saturdays again.

For some reason, Zander was never available on Saturdays which left Renee with nothing to do. She crashed over my place, kind of like the way things used to be before.

Just talking, drinking, and complaining about men—with the exception of her “boyfriend” of course. Zander is the last thing I want to hear about.

I pour myself a glass of brandy and listen to Renee griping about her go-nowhere job, her grim future, and, of course, her general view of the opposite sex based on no one in particular.

“Guys are unfaithful by their nature. I mean, I don’t want to say anything but…”

“But what?” Renee says with a sarcastic grin.

“I’m not saying anything,” I say in sarcasm.

“Just because my boyfriend, who shall not be named, goes out on Saturdays doesn’t mean he’s cheating. I mean, he’s a businessman, he’s got things to do and places to be.”

“Or people to do…”

“Nope. Not at all concerned about that,” she taunts back. “You know you’ve met an honest guy when you walk into his bedroom at three o’clock in the morning and ask him what he’s doing and he replies stoically…”

Renee tightens her face and stares at me straight, imitating the man we both hate to love. “Well, darling, I was pleasuring myself. Why?”

“Now that is an honest man.” I laugh.

“I know, right? Even I was like, ‘Jesus, dude. Lie once in a while.’ But yeah that’s just one of those things I know about Zander. Maybe that other women don’t know…that he’s not the kind of guy to cheat. He’s the kind of guy to tell you he’s going to sleep with someone else and that’s that. There are no secrets with him.”

“Well…you’re damn sure about that.” I frown and take another gulp from my glass.

Renee looks at me sheepishly, realizing I still have issues. Of course I do. Maybe that’s my own fault for dating a billionaire psychopath.

“Do you ever feel guilty?” Renee asks me, unusually frowny, as if she’s in deep thought.

“Guilty? For what, for Zander?”

“For any of it. You were raised Catholic, weren’t you?”

“Yes. I still go to confessional once in a while,” I say with a slinky smile.

“Oh my God, did you tell the priest about Zander?”

“Nooo, noo. No names. I just sort of confess things sometimes. Not because I actually believe God cares about any of this, but because I just sort of…enjoy confessing kinky shit. It’s like, it reminds me that this has really happened. It’s not a memory. It’s a part of me. It will always be. Somewhere in the universe. Do I sound drunk?”

“Lil bit,” she teases. “But you don’t feel bad about what happened? With me or Zander?”

“I’ve put it behind me. I’m not quite sure how to reconcile it. Like, whether I had love for him or not. I think maybe we could have loved each other…but I don’t really think he’s capable of love. Maybe that’s why I left and stopped chasing him so much.”

“Maybe he feels love,” Renee says, a little too optimistically, if you ask me. “Maybe just in a different way than other people do, you know?”

Keep telling yourself that, my face answers…but my lips stay quiet. “I’ve been thinking of dating again. Just because things didn’t work out with Billy doesn’t mean I’m disqualifying all nice guys. Maybe I just need another Billy type, you know, a good guy, a sweet country-bumpkin type. But obviously not so obsessed with chicken jokes.”

We both laugh.

“Yeah, you should totally do that!” Renee says, probably loving the idea of me dating outside my network of friends and getting farther away from her business. Less chance of me stealing her boyfriend or some jealous shit like that. Don’t worry, honey. You can have him. I outgrew Zander a long time ago.

“Well I better get to bed,” Renee says. “Zander said he might call me late tonight anyway. Don’t want to miss his call. Oops…sorry, I know I’m not supposed to talk about him.”

“Don’t worry,” I say with a toss of my hand. “Believe it or not, it’s not really bothering me anymore. I think I actually am okay with it. Or at least, you know, going in the direction of being okay with it.”

“Good.”

“Say, you want to sleep here tonight? You kind of had a lot to drink.”

“Oh my God,” Renee replies. “You are just trying to seduce me, you dyke.”

We crack up laughing. “No, idiot. I’m just worried you’re going to drink and drive and end up on one of those bad afterschool specials. Friends don’t let friends drive drunk!”

“Don’t ever tell me to stop drinking,” she says, doing a bad Nicholas Cage imitation.

“All right, see you later. Don’t run over any deer, you psycho.”

“See ya, Maya.”

I wait until Renee leaves my apartment and then pour myself another glass. Best friend who stole my ex-boyfriend still dating my ex-boyfriend but I’m okay with it. Ugh, I need to stop calling Zander my ex-boyfriend. We were just fooling around. No wonder guys hate getting involved with virgins like me. Er, virgin like I was, I should clarify. We take everything so goddamned seriously.

A frantic knock at my door wakes me up. I look over at the digital clock and see it’s two in the morning. This can’t be good.

I slowly, groggily, walk to the front door. I see Renee through the peephole. She’s bouncing around back and forth, looking back at me and flailing her arms. This is definitely not good.

I reluctantly open the door, my adrenaline rising, figuring this could only be bad news.

“What? What’s wrong?” I say, opening the door and closing it behind me.

“He broke up with me,” she whines.

“Oh…”

As in OH. You slut, you woke me up from a good night’s sleep for this? You got me all anxious and hyped up just to tell me something I already knew…Jesus!

I rub my hand through my hair, trying really hard not to tell her I fucking told you so.

“What happened?”

“He did that THING,” she says hatefully. “That thing where he announces that we’ve broken up.”

“Ah.”

Cute…because that’s exactly what I did to Zander. I almost smile at the thought. I definitely beat the billionaire egomaniac at his own game.

Renee shakes her head and grits her teeth. “He said…the bastard actually said…that the spark isn’t there anymore.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah?!” Renee barks back. “That’s a terrible thing to say to a woman!”

“Oh, I see. Yeah, he really can be a jerk.”

“And I know what you’re thinking,” she snaps. “That I had this coming. That, of course, Zander the Great was going to get bored of me. You don’t have to say it.”

“I wasn’t going to,” I say softly, actually feeling bad for Renee, who’s almost to the point of tears.

“I always do this to myself,” she whines. “I go after these guys, the same fucking guys every time. Emotionally vacant, walking dickheads. And every time it ends the same way. With me hoping against all odds I can change him. That I’ll be the one that wins his heart. And every single time, they laugh me out of the room. It’s never me. Never me.”

I frown back at her. “Do you want a drink?”

“God, no. I’ve been drinking all night.”

“Come on in,” I say reluctantly. She’s in a bad place. I can’t just send her away. But I have no idea what comfort to offer her. “Does he know you left?”

“Does he care?”

“I guess not.”

“I don’t want to talk to him. He already made it clear how he feels about us. That there’s no future. I don’t need any of his apologies anymore. I don’t need to hear that shit.”

“I understand. If he calls I won’t put you on the phone.”

“Good. I have nothing to say to him. I just need to get away from HIM. Away from crazy rich SOBs. That’s what I need.”

“No argument there.”

“But I guess the heart wants what it wants.”

Even if your heart is just really stupid, apparently.

Renee talked her heart out to me for a good two hours and then collapsed in my bed. I didn’t have the heart to toss her out or flip the mattress over and watch her careen onto the floor. I could have slept on the couch…but fuck it, it’s my apartment. I wanted to sleep in my own bed. I know we’re not gay, so there’s no need to be weird about it. We’re just two women sharing a bed…and one of us, obviously, taking up three fourths of the queen size mattress with her long, crazy legs.

Ugh, Renee. You are such a bad hostess.

Just as I begin to doze off…I am interrupted by rude rattling and pounding at the front door. No doubt, the sounds of angry rich men trying to prove a point. I sigh heavily…but Renee is sound asleep. Looks like this is drama I have to endure all on my own.

Wearing only a t-shirt and jeans, I get up to go see who is making all that racket—as if I didn’t know.

I don’t even bother looking through the peephole. I just unlock and open the door, giving a tired and unwelcoming face to Zander.

“Did she come here?” he says, a little jumpy. Unusual for him.

“Yeah. She’s sleeping. She doesn’t want to talk to you.” I close the door behind me, hoping Renee can’t hear any of this.

He suspires as he paces back and forth. He puts his hands in his rich, designer suit pockets. Hearing only what’s relevant to him, fitting into our little world like a dragon trying to live on a farm. He obviously speaks another language than us middle-income apartment-dwellers.

“I just wanted to know she’s okay.”

“What do you mean, if she’s okay, Zander?” I laugh in disbelief. “She’s upset about you. But she’s as okay as can be expected. What, you think she’s going to kill herself just because she can’t have you? Give me a break. You’re not that big of a deal.”

“Maya…you don’t understand. We broke up because of you.”

“What?”

“She was insanely jealous of you. She knew me better than I knew myself. And everything she predicted came true.”

“About what?”

“That I’m still in love with you. That I can’t stop thinking about you. That I care more about you than about her.”

“Stop it.”

“I’ve always wanted you more. You knew that. Nothing changed.”

“But you’re with her now!”

“Because I tried to forget you, Maya. I tried really hard. I pretended like I could move on, but I CAN’T. And how is that fair to Renee? To pretend to be falling for her when in fact I feel nothing?”

“You don’t feel love for anybody. You only love yourself.”

“That’s not true. I’ll admit, I’m not an expert. I don’t love easily. But I know that I what I feel for you is the closest thing to caring about someone I’ve ever felt before.”

“Well, it’s too late.”

“You wanted me. I wanted you. You stopped it, Maya. Not me.”

“YES! And now, out of respect for my friend, it’s time to move on! For all of us. Forget about us. Go screw some whore in your tower. You could have any woman in the world. What are you doing here?!”

I step back and try to go back inside but Zander blocks my path.

“Wait.”

“Wait? For what? This conversation is over. Move the fuck out of my way.”

Zander stares me down. I flinch. His big hulking breaths, his powerful frame is intimidating. I am at the knee just being in his presence. I can instantly feel his desire again, just as alive now as it was the first time he had me. The whole night sky has become darker. All I can feel is naked sexual lust emanating from his every pore. He’s already making love to me with his eyes. He’s making me feel helpless…the same goddamned magic spell he put on Renee, too. This idea that no woman can resist him. That he’s entitled to fuck anyone and everyone he wants.

But I’m not having it!

“Goodbye, Zander.”

He looks miffed. Frowning, exhaling in violent emotion.

No.

He suddenly lunges out and puts his hands on my face, bringing my lips to his. He kisses me with fire, with everything he has left in that empty soul. This is when he is most alive. When he is giving women what they want but are afraid to ask for.

I kiss him back, trapped in the heart of the moment. It takes everything I have to break free.

“NO. I can’t do that to her.”

“We’re finished. I want you now.”

“NO, you’re not finished. WE ARE FINISHED. You and I? We’re done. Goodbye.”

This time I stare him down, making sure his black-dotted, seductive eyes get a good look at my wide-eyed judgment. He sure has a lot of nerve.

I walk back inside, slamming the door shut. I wonder if Renee heard any of that? Surely, she must have heard part of the conversation.

I quietly walk into my bedroom…the lights are still off.

She’s still snoring softly, cuddled into a fetal position, facing me.

Now how can I possibly get back to sleep? Now I have feelings, images, damning erotic thoughts pounding through my head. The very idea of surrendering to Zander, just because he wanted me…it’s making me nauseous. What an ego on that man.

He shouldn’t get to go through life seducing any woman he wants and paying no consequences for it. At some point, someone ought to stand up to him and tell that big baby NO. The worst possible thing I could ever do to another person would be to sleep with her boyfriend the very night she came to me in tears.

I lie back down and sigh. I look at Renee in quiet, solemn regret. We lie face to face, so much to tell her…and yet I can’t bring myself to say a word. I know what she wants. The same thing I thought I wanted. The “whole” of Zander Troy, what every woman wants. When, in fact, I looked into the abyss and saw there was nothing in him.

Maybe he has nothing left or maybe he never had it in the first place. But whatever it is, it’s dangerous to women who still believe in love.

I look at Renee’s slumbering eyes, lying across from her, wondering if my face will look like this someday. Not just older but more cynical, more bereft of real joy. Too much hoping, too much optimism wasted on this world.

I shift my head to the side. I thought I heard something. I did lock the door, didn’t I? I’m pretty sure I did. There is an unnerving lack of silence in the room. Everything seems to be vibrating. Movement.

I lift my head up and look to the side. There! Zander stands in front of me, hovering over the bed, his naked, hard cock not even a foot away from my cheek. His totally bare Greek-god body moves closer, ignoring my shaking head.

I can’t bring myself to mouth the word “no”. I can only stare in awe and agony.

“What—?” I quiet down, looking over at Renee, making sure she’s still asleep.

He looks down and lifts the covers.

“What are you doing?” I whisper. “Are you crazy?”

“Shhh,” he commands me, crawling into bed with me, not even asking permission with his eyes. Just taking. Just slipping into bed where he is not welcome and…

OH GOD his cock is so huge. Nothing but beefcake slithering all over my body. I’m not sure what to do. Should I start screaming and wake Renee up? Renee will throw a fit and scream at Zander all night…probably make me call the cops just to cause an even bigger scene. All for nothing. So what? So they can get back together tomorrow morning?

Why am I rationalizing? This is wrong…

Oh God, I feel his massive cock tightening, poking into my ass cheeks. The thick layer of jeans in between my wetness and his cock isn’t enough.

“Zander…” I whisper, still trying to stay quiet, but wanting to get his attention. “We shouldn’t…”

“Mmmm-hmm,” he says in a grumpy grunt, almost mocking me. Without a thought, he begins putting his hands on my chest, spooning me and warming my lonely body on a particularly cool night.

“We can’t do this…” I whisper so quietly I might as well be telling myself only. Zander’s concentration is unbreakable. He won’t listen to any rational argument that doesn’t concern the hardness of his penis! Renee deserves better than this…but she’s just so much of a pain to deal with, maybe it’s better if she just sleeps through it.

God, why am I making excuses for this? I’m a terrible person.

“I want to feel your breasts,” he whispers, putting his hands under my T-shirt and feeling my free tits with his strong hands.

“Ahhh…”

“I’ve been thinking of you all month”

“No, you haven’t.”

“Even when I was fucking her,” he whispers. “I was still thinking of you.”

“Don’t ever say that again—!” I snap back, but quickly lower my voice.

“I want to hear you cum again.”

I laugh in disbelief. This should be so easy. Why can’t I tell him NO like a woman with any self-respect or the slightest bit of a conscience? Even worse…why is this turning me on so much?

“Mmmm…” I shake my head back and forth, amazed at how sensitive my hard nipples are in between his fingers. It’s so hard to keep quiet. My whole body is tingling.

“It’s okay. It’s okay to feel good.”

“Oh…this is wrong…” I barely mutter as another sharp, orgasmic pang shakes my chest and vibrates the whole bed. “Ohh…ohhhh…”

I feel nauseous again, like my stomach is rising to my throat. I’m so excited I’m shivering. The last thing I want is to say no. I delude myself with the fantasy that nothing can stop Zander. Even if I wanted him to stop, he wouldn’t. He would use this situation, this awkward moment, to get what he wants. Regardless of how anyone felt.

The only time Zander ever asks permission is when he’s being a smartass.

“Do you want me to stop?” he says, squeezing my nipples again, this time harder, making me so excited I have to bite my lip. Biting so I won’t scream…

“You’re an asshole,” I whisper back, feeling his hard cock burrowing into my ass and craving only more of his perversion.

“Maybe we both are.”

“No, just you!” I say as quietly as possible, still trying to keep quiet so I won’t wake up my houseguest. My friend. My best friend, who just came to me crying that her boyfriend dumped her. And here I am getting fucked by him just inches away! What a psycho…speaking of me. God, what is wrong with me.

You, Zander, of course you’re a psycho. Everyone knows that!

I look over my shoulder and send him a dirty look, but my nipples are still engorged, still being played as masterfully as he would a musical instrument. I can only squeal in response, right before biting my lip and thinking of unsexy thoughts.

Think of what a jerk he is. Think of all the terrible things he’s done to me…

Oh God, that just makes me want to cum! Why am I only turned on by terrible people? This is some kind of sickness…oh no…

I exhale and pout helplessly as he starts unbuttoning my jeans. I can’t object…I’m just going to let him finish what he started. I have to. I can’t say no. I can’t wake Renee up.

But what if…what if Renee wakes up anyway? Because I’m being too loud? What will I tell her…I’ll lose my best friend all over again.

“Look at her when I fuck you,” Zander moans quietly, pulling my jeans down. I do as he commands and look Renee in her sleeping eyes. Sleeping so softly…so peacefully, while my heart races and thuds against my chest.

“Zander…she can’t wake up. She can’t…”

“Guess you’ll just have to be really quiet then,” he says, pulling my panties down and exposing my moistness. “Are you wet for me?”

“No…” I lie poorly, shivering and feeling my pussy spread apart.

“No?” he says, taunting me, as he puts his fingers on my lips. “What’s this?”

“Aaaahhhh…” I whisper, just before letting loose an “mmmm” sound that was far too loud. God, I’m going to wake Renee up. Talk about awkward…

“Spread your legs,” he commands me. “I want to be inside you.”

“No!” I shoot back, so ashamed of my wetness. My body’s making decisions I haven’t even made yet.

“Whatever you say, boss. But…then I’m going to have to take your ass.”

“Just put your cock away!” I say—too loud!—slapping away at his hip.

Tired of my weak, half-hearted resistance, he clutches my breasts with one hand and puts his other hand on my pubic patch.

“Ohhhh…ohhhh…” I stare at Renee, squinting my eyes and gasping, trying to control myself from a full-body shake.

“There you are,” Zander grunts, slowly pushing his big cock through my slit. My wetness glides him along and lets him go deeper.

“Ohh God!” I mutter, too loud again, this time biting my finger, hoping to suppress everything I feel inside.

“Be quiet, Maya,” he says in his sexy, syrupy voice. “Bite on my finger.” He rudely pushes my finger away from my mouth and slips his finger inside another one of my holes. He loves the feeling of penetrating every orifice, dancing around in my saliva, as well as my pussy juices below.

I bite down on his finger hard—much harder!—since I loathe him right now. I bite down so hard even he moans in pain…while I moan in pleasure as he stabs me long and deep with his pulsating cock.

“Ohhh God! Oh God!” I say aloud, but still falling short of screaming. I watch Renee carefully, noticing her eyes and nose are twitching around. If she can’t hear me…she can probably smell me.

“Take it all,” he commands me, slipping more inches into my steaming cunt. My mouth drops open as he begins squeezing my right nipple with his hand. His other hand reaches upwards and grabs my hair like a brute. He wants to make damn sure I feel every inch of his cock pounding.

“You’re a bad girl,” he whispers. “Just admit it.”

“I’m not.”

“You want to be,” he corrects me. “You want to be an angel. But you let yourself become a whore.”

“No, you turn me into one.”

“Because you can’t resist me. Your body can’t resist. Only your stubborn mind.”

“Shut up and fuck me…” I blurt out, staring at Renee’s face, figuring it doesn’t even matter if she wakes up or not. I’ve already lost. I’ve already failed. He’s right. I can’t resist him.

“How does it feel?” he whispers into my ear, right before kissing me all over the nape of my neck.

“Uhhh!” I moan back to him while creaming his cock below. He keeps thrusting hard into me, each stroke a little faster. The whole bed is shaking, I can’t keep fighting this…

“To be looking at the same face you once hated for betraying you?”

“I don’t feel anything…”

“Oh, you feel something, darling.”

He’s right. I feel my pussy rocking back and forth, spasming, almost involuntarily at this point. I feel nothing but cumming. And shame. And mostly hatred for you, Zander.

“I think she’s waking,” I whisper frantically, noticing Renee is shifting around in bed. “We have to stop! Hurry up and finish and slide out of bed—!”

“Let her see,” he says forcefully.

“Are you crazy? She’ll kill me!”

I break my hands away and try to force him out of me. But, oh God, his cock is so huge it’s practically impaled into my pussy. He’s fully erect and so deep inside, all I can feel are his swelling balls and just an inch of shaft.

“Oh God, you’re so deep…” There’s no way I’m going to get him out of me in time. Maybe I should just let him cum inside me. Maybe…but I have to be quiet!

As if sensing my thoughts, Zander only starts making more gratuitous noise. He starts ramming his cock harder and faster, intentionally bouncing the bed and creating a racket. My mouth flies open as he grips both of my breasts and squeezes.

“Ohh fuck! Fuck!” I scream, watching in heart-pounding agony as Renee wakes up, shaking off her sleepy eyes.

“Fuck?” she says back to me.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry…” I shake my head in regret as Zander, that bastard, keeps fucking me, oblivious of what’s happening.

“Hmmm,” Renee says with a detached smile. “Well, why didn’t you say so?”

“What…”

Renee smiles at me as she sends her frolicking hands down to my pussy.

“Wait…wait…”

She scoots in closer to my face and smiles cheekily. She finds my swelling clit and starts rubbing it in a swift, circular motion.

“OH!” I cry out, now feeling the full wrath of my pussy spasming while my clit nerves are electrified. This is too much to take! “Ohh God!”

“Is this what you wanted?” Renee asks with a shifty glance. “Secretly?”

“No…no…I’m not…I’m not…”

“Not whaaat?” Renee laughs, still stroking my clit and somehow, finding the perfect rhythm to match Zander’s cock pounding. “Honey, you don’t have a choice. We’re going to tell you what you are.”

Renee keeps forcing uncomfortable eye contact while she fires up my clit. God, my whole body is quivering! My clit is so sensitive…swelling…every muscle in my body tenses up. She won’t stop stroking. They’re both just fucking the shit out of me and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Oh God I love it. Just do it. Make me a whore!

“Ohhh fuck, I’m cumming!”

“Not yet, you’re not,” she says, still stroking me, but slowing down the tempo. “But you’re going to.”

“She needs to be properly punished,” Zander says, still making me dizzy from sucking on my nape.

“Uhhhh…”

“Yes,” Renee says, “definitely. You’ve caused so much drama in our lives, Maya. You deserve to be thoroughly punished.”

I watch in panting disbelief as Renee takes her shirt off and moves closer to me. Her breasts press against mine. Nothing but body heat all around, making the night so much more comfortable. Two people I don’t trust…hell, whom I barely like sometimes…but they play my body like a harp.

“Why did you come here?”

“Wha—Wha—?”

“Not you,” Renee says with a smirk, going back to fast-stroking my clit.

“I told you,” Zander answers. “I didn’t want you to leave unhappy. I just…didn’t want to lie to you. I love you.”

“Hmmm,” Renee says, unsatisfied, but still horny apparently. “I guess you love everybody then.”

“I don’t understand love the way you do…I wish I did.”

“Me too.”

God, I can’t believe two people are breaking up with each other while fucking me to death!

Renee looks at me, equal parts jealousy and admiration. She kisses me on the lips as she continues stroking my clit—faster, faster, faster!

“Ohhh God, I’m going to cum!”

“So cum!” she says forcefully, increasing her strokes. “Let all that Catholic guilt out, you little bitch.”

I nod in obedience as my upper half convulses in a full-body orgasm. I unleash a banshee of a scream, trapped between two heads kissing both sides of my neck.

“Ohhhh God, I’m cumming! I’m cumming so hard!”

Renee and Zander kiss my face and neck, basking in the orgasm right next to me.

“You…you…” I run my hand through my hair still, gasping for air, heart thumping…pussy drenching wet. “You both…faked this?”

“Oh no, our fight was real,” Renee assures me, still playing with my nipples. “We just have a habit of making up over sex.”

“So I figured,” Zander adds, “why not bring Maya into our fun? We talked about it plenty of times.”

“You…you…talked about it?” I groan, still recovering from my pussy contracting and my skin going flush. Barely able to breathe…

“It was my idea,” Zander says.

“Big surprise,” Renee replies.

“There was so much jealousy and animosity between the two of you, I figured maybe you just needed to get this out of your system. Sex has a way of clearing your head…resolving emotional baggage.”

“Oh my God…” I wheeze. “This is so weird. Feels really good…but…it’s still weird. I don’t think I can ever do this again with people I know.”

I laugh nervously.

“Try everything once,” Renee says. “Then mark it off your list. At least then you know.”

“But…since we’re all here…I want to come again,” I say a little bashfully.

“Of course, we’re here to please,” Renee says.

Zander starts kissing the back of my neck again, making me swoon. “Yes…like that. I never thought I could do that…this…”

Renee starts kissing my neck as she fondles my clit.

“But it feels so good. In bed with you…my body feels so…” I groan deeply. “Alive.”

“Better alive than dead,” Renee quips, as she continues stroking.

“You mentioned before…” Zander says. “You wanted to try something new. That first night we were together, you mentioned you’re an anal virgin. Now’s your chance to change that, too.”

“Ohh God,” I giggle nervously. “I’m too shy.”

“No need to do anything. We’ll do it for you. Just remember your safe word.”

“Which is what?”

“Master…stop.”

“Master…Master…” I say, giggling to myself. Just the thought of him owning me makes me horny.

My giggling turns to deep, choking exhales as the passion increases. My neck is being tickled and smooched into numbness. Everything is on fire inside of me. The second orgasm feels out of body…like I’m not entirely here.

I spread my legs apart and prepare my anus for entry. It feels so dirty, being smothered in skin, and confessing my darkest desire in front of my two best friends. Strange…but erotic. Sinful.

I moan softly as he gently pushes his wet cockhead into my ass, every massive inch filling me up. My pussy and ass both tighten, my reflexes standing at attention.

“Does that feel good?”

“Yes…keep going. I love the feeling of you inside me.”

“I know that feeling,” Renee whispers while staring dreamily into my eyes. Her hands go lower and she puts two fingers into my slit, causing me to moan.

“Ohhh that feels good…” I groan, loving the feeling of being double-penetrated.

“Tell us what you feel,” Zander says, pushing more inches of shaft into my tight little hole.

“Ohhhh my God…so good…don’t go too fast.”

“Like this? Just deeper?”

“Yes…” I say, closing my eyes and letting go of my nervousness. I try to relax…to bear down slightly and contract my pelvic muscles. Maybe if I relax, his cock can go even deeper inside of me.

“We’re both inside of you,” she whispers, shoving her fingers in deeper into my wet pussy.

“Yes…I like that…”

“Just relax…surrender your body completely. Let the feeling take over.”

“Yes…do it. Take me. I surrender.”

I shut my eyes and focus on the moment. The pleasure. The illicit waves of sex come and go. Then it’s just the feeling of basking in between bodies. Then back to the waves, then a sudden burst of energy.

“Ohhhh yeah! Right there!” I exclaim, as Renee finds my G-spot on the wall of my pussy.

“So wet,” she says. “I’m making you so wet,” she says, taunting me. “Never thought I’d have you here like this…but I did always think about it.”

Is she angry, jealous or just plain nuts about me? I have no idea…but it feels so nice. Her empty black eyes imply nothing…nothing about what this is, but just what it feels like. We’re all here right now in this moment, in this bed.

“Ahhhh!” I say exhaling and inhaling deeply. Renee is hammering my G-spot while Zander fucks my ass deeper and faster. “Aaahhh yeah!”

“Are you jealous now?” Zander says, his voice cracking. He loves the sensation of being inside my asshole. My warm anus is everything forbidden I once denied to him. But he’s Zander Troy—everything is open to him. Literally everything! “Both of you had my cock. And now you’re both feeling it at the same time. There’s no need for jealousy.”

“Preach it, baby,” Renee says, scooping out my G-spot pussy juices and making my head spin.

“Ohhh God, that feels so good!”

“Mmmmmm…” Zander grunts hard, finally losing power as he plugs my tight little asshole up. In and out, I feel his manhood inside of me. I can feel his blood pumping through my butt, while my pussy gets destroyed on the other side. I am nothing more than an orgasm. I don’t exist. My mind is out of my body and I can’t even feel it…

Oh Christ, I feel that! My body writhes back and forth as I reenter my body again, just as Zander pulls halfway out of my ass. Still buried inside my butthole he starts to cream me with his precum.

Before I can even scream and enjoy my anal orgasm, Renee fingers my G-spot like mad—causing a massive tidal wave in my mind and in my overflowing cunt.

“Ohhh, I’m cumming! I’m cumming again!”

“Let it out!” Zander says, his dick wet and still hard-plunging into my ass. He grabs my breasts from behind as he penetrates deeper.

Renee jostles my G-spot right until I start involuntarily clenching and folding inside—

“Ohhhh God, what’s happening!” I scream, as I start squirting hard from my pussy, jumping up and down on the bed in blackout rage.

“Uh-uh,” she says, still fingering my sensitive G-spot until she forces every last cum from my weakened body. “You got more left.”

“Ohhhh fuck!” I scream, squirting again and flooding the bed with my dirty scent. “Ohhh shit, ohhh shit!” I scream, still seeing stars and feeling my heart slamming into my chest.

I fall down on the bed barely able to breathe. I’m out of steam. Officially fucked so hard I can’t even speak. Barely breathing. Still spinning from the love drug, still bouncing in and out of consciousness.

It didn’t take Zander long to text me and arrange for a date. This time a “serious date”, not the weird experimental thing he is always so fond of.  

Part of me feels honored. To have a billionaire mastermind choose me, the young innocent, over another woman…or over one hundred other women. He sees something special in me. He is so bold, so open with his feelings. He never lies, he says exactly what he means. And he wants me more than anything. Beyond all reasoning and rationale. It’s an honor.

I smile at my “master” and admire his suave mannerisms and killer good looks. He’s all dressed up in a suit tonight…although I’m well aware he looks so much better in the buff. He’s perfectly shaven and looks like the portrait of heroism. Like the guy from the ads, the perfect man that we always see on camera.

I have the “whole” of him – the good side of him and the bad boy that has no limits to his eroticism.

“I’m glad you came,” he says with a charming smile. “I wanted this date to be special.”

No matter what I say, he’s going to decide it’s perfect. I’m perfect. I’m his project, his princess virgin that he deflowered and “expanded”. He changed my life. And now I follow him blindly, helpless to resist his advances. I just need to be a small part in his beautiful life. That’s what Zander needs from his women.

“Zander…why did you break up with Renee?”

“Because I wanted you.”

I shake my head. Not in judgment or revulsion, but in pity.

“I think she really loved you.”

“Yes, but I LOVE YOU. I didn’t love her. We’ve been through this.”

“Why? Because she’s not innocent? Her mind is just as…expanded…as yours?”

“Where is this coming from? Come on, Maya, we’re having a nice dinner here.”

“Well, someone once told me that it’s best to be upfront. No lying.”

“Go on…” he says uncomfortably.

“I don’t love you. Nothing has changed.”

“How can you say that?” he says, blinking away his fears. “I thought we felt something.”

“Yes, yes, we definitely felt something,” I say with a smirk. “All three of us did. And before with Antonio, we all felt something. But that’s not love. None of this is love.”

“Love is nothing more than a feeling,” he shrugs. “And I have that feeling with you.”

“Of course, you do,” I say softly. “Because you will always be in love with the chase. You will always be in love with the woman you can’t have. That’s what every girl eventually realizes about you.”

“That’s not true…”

“I mean, God. We’ve already had sex. Why isn’t that enough for you to let me go? What more can I possibly give you? I gave you my virginity, Zander.”

“Yes!” Zander says, ignoring the turning faces of other confused diners. “And I wanted more.”

“Like what? What more do you want from me? Does it really have to be about the heartbreak? You’re never happy until you rip a girl’s heart straight from her chest?”

“Is that…what you think of me?” he says, a wounded look forming on his face.

“How many girls have been in love with you?”

“I don’t know. Thousands? Why should I be ashamed that I have high standards? Why should I be ashamed that I don’t feel the same kind of love for them as they have for me? I DO FEEL LOVE for you, Maya. In a way I have never felt for any of those other women. You keep punishing me for being the man you always wanted. Right?”

I listen to him rant, folding my arms and watching the clueless expression on his face.

“You wanted me for my money, but I showed you my real life. You wanted the good guy, the hero. I showed you that. You wanted the kink, the perversity beyond all comprehension, I showed you my world. A world where you have total power and freedom. I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING, goddamn it!”

I sigh and lose his ferocious eyes.

“I’m sorry…I know I’m aggressive sometimes. I know I’m not as innocent as you are. Maybe…maybe that’s why I like you. Maybe I want to be more like you. I don’t know…”

“It sounds very sweet. It sounds sincere.”

“It is sincere!”

“But I just know, Zander…the minute I decide that I love you back, is going to be the same minute you realize I’m just a pretty girl. A pretty girl that doesn’t fit in your universe. No longer a virgin, nothing special. Just me. And I will become just like Renee, just like all the others. Call me vain…but I just don’t want to give you that power. I’m calling it quits now. Before you can lose interest in me and leave me an angry young woman who’s lost the joy in her life.”

“This isn’t fair. I shouldn’t be the bad guy here.”

“I do love you, darling. Just not in the way you need to be loved.” I ignore his frown and pat his shaky hand. “I admire you, you know. You’ve never lied to me, not even once. You are an amazing man, every bit as enchanting as the character you play on camera. But you’re not a victim. Don’t play the victim, Zander. It doesn’t become you. Every guy dreams of having your life.”

Better I leave now before dinner arrives. He pouts as I get up from the table, far too polite to make him pay for a girl who’s walking out on him. What can I say, I’m old fashioned that way.

“My mom once told me that life is neutral. I thought it was a strange thing to say coming from a Catholic mom, right? But she said life only means whatever meaning we put into it. There’s no destiny, there’s no waiting for the perfect moment. So I took that to mean…will I ever find true love? Will you ever find true love? The question is not IF, but when. When you decide that it’s time to stop searching and time to start living and enjoying a family.”

I fight my tears away. It’s all I have, to hold back from trying. He doesn’t understand. He’ll never understand. And I can’t keep explaining things to him, I can’t keep tiptoeing around his ego when I have decisions of my own to make. The whole world isn’t about you, Zander. Sometimes it’s about what you leave behind, what you give. I don’t know if you’ll ever understand that.

God, I just need to get away from him and think about the rest of my life.