I don’t know what came over me. In the kitchen, when my dad thundered out to the dining room, I was rendered dumbstruck. My father’s voice was explosive; a bomb detonated suddenly in the middle of lunch.

I came to my senses and rushed out to the dining room to see what was happening, still hoping my ears deceived me. Still hoping my dad wasn’t causing a dreadful scene. Since it was a holiday, the restaurant was crammed full of guests, more than what is usual for our lunch run. It was the worst time for an outrageous display of behavior by the owner of the world-famous restaurant. Not that there would ever be a good time for that.

When I saw my dad yelling at Alex and his friends in front of a full restaurant, I just lost it. The restaurant stood at a standstill as my father towered over Alex’s table, screaming at him. Instantly, I searched the restaurant from face to face, hoping no one was a Michelin judge, food critic, or culinary journalist, who would recount for the media in detail my father’s seemingly erratic and disorderly conduct.

A man in the corner held up his iPhone, recording the entire abhorrent scene. My stomach crunched into itself from mortification. Time seemed to suspend itself as a whirlwind of emotions nearly toppled me over. My father risked the prestige of our restaurant just for the meaningless satisfaction of kicking Alex out.

Why was my father, so hell-bent on breaking Alex and I up at the cost of everything he had worked for?

My body, as if possessed by someone else, charged forward into the melee to face my father. My breath quickened in my agitation. Exhaling felt like I was spewing fire. I rushed to the table to face my father, who looked at me in defiance.

His face tightened in a knot. His look said: ‘Who do you think you are?’

My voice roared with insolence, ordering my father to meet me in the cave. I'd never yelled at my dad before. Dazed eyes looked up at me from their tables. The man in the corner angled his iPhone to get a full shot of me. I scowled at the camera and quickly stomped away with my father following me.

As we walked to the buey cave, anger, frustration, along with mortification bubbled inside me. Once we were in the cave without prying eyes, I couldn’t hold in my muddling emotions any longer.

The monster inside of me wouldn’t let me go. With huge bulky fists, the monster pulled out all my frustrations and anger over the years and crammed them up into my throat. Vile words shot out of my mouth. Words, I instantly regretted and could not take back. My father’s angry face melted away. I could see the tragic hurt in his eyes staring back at me.

Once my father stormed out, the monster shrank away, leaving me alone with myself to face my unbearable actions. My father was still my father. I had crossed the line of disrespect. I knew I’d made him feel insignificant in my life, which was far from the truth.

When Alex came, he scooped me up into his arms. The recollection of my actions made the world spiral around me with violent force. I thought I was going to collapse. As I sobbed, I held onto him tightly, scared the floor would give out from underneath me.

Ashamed, I looked up at Alex. His tourmaline eyes were dimmed with concern. “I told my dad that it was because of him…” A large sob flew up out of my mouth. I could barely speak.

Alex held me tighter. “It’s okay. Let it all out.”

Taking I deep breath, I continued. “I told him he was the reason why we’d never become a three-starred restaurant. I told him that if he hadn’t been so unreasonable and unbearably controlling, my mother would have never left and we would have never lost a Michelin star. I told him he singlehandedly destroyed our restaurant.”

I knew how much the lost star wounded my dad. I shook my head hardly believing I had been so cruel. My dad had worked so hard and cared about his restaurant so much. He cultivated his buey, devoted to the entire process from birth, life, death, curation, and preparation.

My mother disappearing out of our lives wasn’t my dad’s fault. She wanted to go and live another life. Even if she hadn’t wanted to live with my father anymore, she still could have been our mother. She could have called, visited, even wrote us.

Why had I said the worst things possible to my father?

Alex kept hugging me as I continued on. I poured everything out, hoping he wouldn’t think what a terrible person I was, “I said he ruined everything. But I was talking about you and me. How he took something so beautiful between us and tried to destroy it.”

Alex softly spoke into my ear, “He hasn’t destroyed us. I’m still here.”

Bitterly, I looked up at the ceiling at the buey, who witnessed my horrific behavior with my father who had done so much for us. My heart ached. I shouldn’t have lost my temper. Ironically, I’d become an irrational monster overtaken by my emotions, the very thing I was berating my dad for doing.

I clutched Alex fiercely recalling the sadness on my father's face. "He said he’s leaving. Packing up his things. He’s going to disappear like my mother.” I sobbed afraid I’d lost my father forever.

Alex pulled away from me to look at my face. “Leaving?”

I nodded terrified my dad was already back at home packing right at the moment. “He said that we didn’t need him anymore. That the restaurant was ours now. We could take over since he couldn’t do anything right. He said we were better off without him just like my mother.”

Alex’s eyes looked far away, past me. “He said that?”

“Yes. He said he’s going to disappear forever and never come back.” I cried in frustration. “But I didn’t mean any of the things I said. I was just angry and wanted to hurt him. But I think I really hurt him, Alex. I think he is really going to disappear like my mom did.” I shook with my sobs. My hands gripped Alex’s arms. “I don’t know what to do.”

Alex’s arms dropped to his sides. Something I had said struck him. His eyes narrowed in consternation. He turned away from me, pushing his hands into his pockets, searching for his keys. Anxiety panged in my chest seeing Alex’s perturbed look on his face.

Distracted, he put a hand on my shoulder. “It’ll be okay,” he said absently. The look of distress stamped on his face worried me.

Alex put a limp arm around me, hugging me loosely. “I’ve got to go.” The jingle of the keys in his hand clanged as he walked to the door.

The panic brewing inside me grew. “Where are you going?”

Pushing the door open, he was already somewhere else. “I’ve got to take care of something.” He rushed out, not looking back at me.

I crumbled to my knees, burying my face into my hands. What had I done? I’d driven my father away with my anger and my boyfriend with my neediness.

Why did I keep making such enormous mistakes?

I heard the door open. Looking up, I hoped it was Alex, but it was Joseph. He hurried over to me, helping me up. “Are you okay?”

Sniffling, I said sadly, “No. I was stupid, Joseph.”

Looking around, he asked, “Where’s Alex?”

“He left. Just like Dad left.” I bit my lip, holding in another torrent of tears on the precipice.

Joseph looped an arm around me. “Let’s get you inside. You need to drink some water and calm down.”

I let Joseph steer me into the kitchen. He pushed me down onto a stool. Nia brought me a cold glass of water that I could only sip. She smoothed a hand on my forehead. “You look awful.”

I shrugged my shoulders. I felt awful.

She put her arm around me and hugged me. “I’m proud of you though.”

Joseph nodded. “I’m proud of you, too.”

“What? I’ve been an awful daughter. I said cruel things.”

Joseph patted my knee. “Maybe, but you spoke your mind for the first time.”

Nia laughed. “The look on your face!” She fanned herself with her hand. “I was scared.”

I chuckled, but then quickly remembered my father running away from us. Looking up at my cousin and brother, my heart splintered. “Dad’s leaving us. He said we don’t need him anymore. He’s going to disappear like Mom did.”

Nia put a hand on her chest in astonishment. “Uncle Jose said that?”

Joseph looked down at the floor. When he looked up, he smiled at me sadly. “I’ve got to get back to work.”

I grabbed his hand. “I didn’t mean to make Dad leave us.”

He gently shook my hand from his. “I know, Jas.” I watched my little brother walk away, my sadness expanding minute by minute.

Nia hugged me. “It’s going to be okay, Jasmine.”

I didn’t know what to think. All the men in my life, my dad, my brother, and my boyfriend, were either upset or running away from me.

How was it going to ever be okay?