CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Gray
A week and a half had passed since I’d carried the goddess into my cabin that fateful day. Ten days of passion and loving… and love.
She was going to stay. As I watched the snow melt, I didn’t feel the panic I had before, when I’d been so sure she would leave me. Instead, I had it all planned out. When the roads cleared, we’d get into her rental cabin and pack up all her stuff, then I’d fly her to California to get the rest.
She told me she was on a deadline to finish the book she’d been writing. So, we’d stay in the cabin until she was finished, then I’d whisk her off to some exotic location where they also allowed dogs, and dammit, cats.
Gonad.
Zoe was damn funny. We actually still hadn’t settled on a name for the kitten, but Go was becoming what she called him the most. I went for Nads, but Zoe frowned each time I said it. And I had to admit, Go fitted the little shit. Not just because it was short for Gonads but because he’d start running, tearing around the cabin for no good reason, as fast as his little legs would take him. Zoe would yell, “Go, go, go,” and he’d only run faster.
So… dumb as it was, Go would probably stick. But I didn’t care. Zoe could have anything she wanted.
With Maggie by my side, I headed down the driveway to the main road, wanting to see how things were looking there. The sun glaring on the snow was nearly blinding, and I was glad I’d grabbed my sunglasses before heading out.
In the distance, I could hear the sound of engines. It sounded like snowmobiles. Maybe four-wheelers. Something larger too. Maybe a scraper.
After the blizzard, the world was slowly melting back into reality. The power was back on, and although the internet hadn’t connected yet, I’d left Zoe at my computer to write. She was feeling the itch to finish her story and wanted to start on the final chapters while I was out. After logging her into Microsoft Word and a long, lingering kiss, I’d tromped through the snow and then down to where her Jeep went over the side.
I hadn’t carried any gear to recover anything, but I was curious to see just how far it had gone down. There was the tree that had stopped her descent. It was broken now, the thick limb that had punctured through the glass ripped from its side. Below it, smaller trees were bent over, and I could follow the damage to where the Jeep laid. Still covered in snow, only a few inches of two wheels were visible. I shuddered at the thought of how close Zoe had come to being down there too. If she’d survived the fall, she wouldn’t have lasted long in the weather.
I glanced at the camera… and shit!
Fuck!
What had I been thinking? Hell, I hadn’t been thinking at all.
Walking down here would have tripped the alarms, causing the camera app to load onto the computer. The computer Zoe was sitting at. The app didn’t rely on internet, so the fact that it was still down wouldn’t have mattered.
In my mind, I could see Zoe typing on her book, jumping as the alarm sounded, then staring at the screen as the image of me walking on the road appeared. She might have even smiled when she saw me, maybe even wondered about the security. Then she would see the row of additional camera views below it. Curious, she would start tapping the keys, and even if she didn’t, the screen would start scrolling through the various cameras. Then she would recognize her cabin. Her deck. The chair in which she always sat.
Understanding would dawn, and she’d know.
She’d feel violated. Stupid.
Afraid.
I took off, running up the driveway, the cold air burning my lungs. Maggie was beside me, sprinting ahead and turning back to wait. It was a game to her, her pink tongue lolling out in excitement.
I’d deleted the “goddess” folder, but I hadn’t permanently deleted it. I had my system automatically do that at the end of each day, but the power had gone off, and it would still be sitting in the trash can, waiting disposal.
I ran harder, hoping she wouldn’t look there. Please don’t let her look there. At the time, I started watching her because I really was worried about her, then I’d grown to depend on her company. At the time, it didn’t feel wrong because my intentions hadn’t been evil. But now…
The cabin was ahead, a picture of domestic bliss, the smoke curling into the sky from the roaring fire I’d been sure to feed before leaving.
Maybe she’d taken a break, needed to go pee, or get a bite to eat.
Maybe she couldn’t see, her vision going blurry like it still sometimes did, and I could shut this shit down. She’d never need to know that she’d been living with a man who’d been obsessed.
In a leaping bound, I was on the porch and through the door.
And there she stood, her hand on her mouth as she whipped around to face me. Her eyes wide, tears falling down her cheeks.
“Zoe—”
She held up both hands, palms out, stopping me. “Why?”
It was a good question, and I had a million good answers. Good from my point of view. Not hers.
“Let me explain.”
She crossed her arms over her chest, pulling her robe together, her fingers finding the four-leaf pendent. “You watched me?”
I thought I was going to puke, and I swallowed down the bile. “Yes.”
She let out a sob. Just one. “For how long?”
The truth. She’d know if I was lying. “Since the day you arrived.”
She pressed her hand to her stomach, bending over with a long moan. I moved to go to her, and she screamed, “Stop! Don’t touch me. Just… don’t.”
The alarm sounded on the computer, and I glanced over at the screen. A snowmobile was coming up the mountain. Not the north side Zoe or I usually traveled, but the south side. The screen changed, and I could see someone knocking on Zoe’s cabin’s front door. Someone else checking the other door.
A search party.
“The day before you arrived, two squirrels were playing on the camera that secured that part of my property.” My voice was steady, matter of fact even though every part of me was shaking in fear. “They managed to knock it off its mounting, and I planned to go down and fix it. Then you arrived, and…”
How did I finish the sentence? None of the explanations racing through my mind would calm her fears.
“And you decided to… what exactly, Gray?” Her voice was like ice.
“I saw you crying. It was like you cried all the time at first. I watched because I was worried, then you started to smile again, and I couldn’t look away.”
The alarm sounded again.
“What’s that?” she asked, turning back to the computer, but her hand was still up, palm out, stopping me from approaching her.
“I have sensors and cameras all around my property. When someone approaches, I know.”
She looked at the screen. “That’s how you knew I’d gone over the edge.”
“Yes.”
She blew out a breath and pushed her hair away from her face. The alarm for my driveway went off. The snowmobile was coming our way. I didn’t have much time to make her understand. Maggie whined, racing to the door, to the front window. She knew I didn’t have much time left either.
“I know that you hate me right now. I don’t blame you. I’m hating myself too. But as creepy and exploitive as it sounds, I meant you no harm. I was worried. The way you cried broke something inside me. Yes, I was drawn to your beauty, but I was drawn to something else that I still don’t know if I can explain.”
Another alarm. Closer.
“The truth is… I love you, Zoe. I know it’s crazy to feel so strongly for another person in such a short amount of time, but I love you.”
Maggie started barking. Tears flowed down Zoe’s face in rivers.
The snowmobile engine stopped. Boots on the porch. A sharp knock on the door.
Still, she said nothing, just looked at me like her entire spirit was emptying through her eyes.
The knock again. More barking.
Defeated, I turned and walked to the door.
“Sir, I’m with search and rescue, and we have reports of a missing woman.” He held up Zoe’s picture. “She was reported missing a week ago and—”
I stepped aside and waved him in.
“Miss Meadows?”
Zoe swiped at the tears on her face, nodding, and the man turned a sharp look at me. Stepping several quick paces away from where I stood, he pressed a button on the radio secured to his shoulder. His eyes never leaving me, he spoke into the mic. “Zoe Meadows has been recovered. Repeat. Zoe Meadows has been recovered. Alive and well.” He gave our position and alarms started sounding again as more members of the team headed our way.
The man approached Zoe, who was still standing there, frozen like a statue. “Miss Meadows, are you hurt? Have you been threatened in any way?” I noticed he never turned his back on me.
Slowly, she shook her head, her eyes on mine.
He kept asking her questions. She kept answering them, but I didn’t hear, tuning everything out until a blonde woman burst through the door.
“Zoe!”
The dam burst on Zoe’s emotions again, and she began to cry as she was swept into the woman’s embrace. “Leslie.”
“I thought you were dead,” Leslie cried, and the women sank to the floor. Maggie nudged her cold nose into my hand. Go was gone, probably hiding under the couch. “We’ve tried to find you, but the snow, there was an avalanche. The conditions were so bad. They said…” Leslie’s voice hitched, “they said that if you hadn’t made it to your cabin then you were…” She clamped her mouth shut, refusing to say the word again.
A deputy appeared at my side, and it was my turn to answer questions. I did so automatically, giving him details of the rescue, her concussion, my eyes never leaving the women.
Leslie placed her hands on Zoe’s face and kissed her cheek, then her entire body grew tense. The deputy was still talking but I tuned him out.
“Zoe, something bad has happened.”
“Mr. Maddox, did you hear me?”
I held up a hand for him to wait and took a step toward the women. Zoe looked up and our eyes met, but I couldn’t read what she was thinking.
“Zoe…” Her eyes went back to her friend, and Leslie continued. “It’s your mom. She overdosed. It’s bad. Very, very bad, and we need to get to the hospital soon if…”
If she wanted to say goodbye.
Leslie didn’t finish the sentence, but she hadn’t needed to. I could tell what she was going to say, and Zoe clearly understood too.
I knew heartache. I’d experienced it many times. But I’d never seen the raw pain of it explode on another human’s face, like I was experiencing now.
It wasn’t just the soon to be loss of her mother, even though that was bad enough. And the bitch of it was that I didn’t know if I should go to her. Didn’t know if she’d welcome me or push me away.
“Are… are you sure?” Zoe asked, needing it spelled out. Needing to give her friend a second chance to tell her it was all a joke, or that she was wrong, or that it might not be as bad as they thought.
Leslie only nodded, her face tight. From her expression, it was obvious that she was ambivalent about what was happening. How could you grieve someone who caused your best friend so much pain?
I understood.
Zoe would grieve her mother, sure. The bond between mother and child was the strongest element on Earth. No matter the beatings, the neglect, the hate… the bond was still there. The hope that things could be mended. Be better. Be as they should.
As Zoe broke, I couldn’t stay where I was, standing here incompetent and useless. If she pushed me away, I’d go. If she didn’t, I’d do anything she wanted.
Sinking to my knees, I placed a gentle hand on Zoe’s, and met Leslie’s eyes over her bent head. Years of understanding was exchanged in that one glance, and Leslie nodded, handing her friend over to me.
I took her, held her close to my chest, took the beating as her fists pounded on my arms, then relaxed and clung to me instead.
Time sped up and stood still as I held her, waiting for the torment to end.
More people came. Other people went. And I held her until she was silent.
“Miss Meadows?” Zoe wiped her nose on the sleeve of the robe and lifted her head to the deputy. “I’m sorry, but we need to go.”
A vice came around my heart, squeezing until I thought it would truly stop beating this time.
Then it did as Zoe stood, using my shoulders to steady herself. Leslie went with her to the bedroom, and they returned a few minutes later, Zoe dressed in her jeans and sweater.
“Mr. Maddox, we’ll probably have additional questions in the next few days. Standard stuff. Just crossing all the Ts.”
I nodded at the deputy and stood as Zoe pulled on her jacket. She looked at the silver-haired man. “Can I have a few minutes alone with Gray?”
He narrowed his eyes. “Do you feel safe?”
She looked surprised. Shocked, even. “Of course I feel safe. He… he saved me.”
The deputy nodded. “Just a few minutes. We need to get down the mountain. We have other business to attend to.”
Everyone filed outside, and Leslie squeezed Zoe’s hand before she followed, closing the door behind her.
I couldn’t believe this was happening. Not like this. Not the way it went down. If I hadn’t gone down to the road and tripped the alarm. If the search party had arrived an hour earlier. Or even if they hadn’t, if we’d had longer to talk about things, if I could have made her understand. If… if… if…
“I’m sorry.”
Her lips tightened at my apology. “Don’t be. I was going to thank you, and I was going to ask you to give me a little time to process everything.” She shook her head, another tear spilling with the gesture. I longed to brush it away. “Too much happened too soon, and I just need to think and deal with… everything. I need to see Mom before…”
“I can come with you. I—”
She held up her hands, like she was defending herself from the offer. “No. Please. Not yet.”
“Zoe, please—”
Meow-eek.
Zoe sighed, a deep shuddering exhale, and turned to the kitten sitting on the arm of the couch. She picked the little furball up and kissed his nose. “Be good.” She cuddled him until he began to squirm before sitting him down.
Scratching Maggie’s head, she bent down and gave her a kiss too. When she stepped toward me, my breath lodged in my lungs. I was numb and on fire at once.
Running her fingers through my beard, she raised onto tiptoes and pressed her lips to mine. “I’m going to miss you most of all.”
It was goodbye.
She was too kind to say it, but it was a goodbye all the same. I’d broken the fragile trust she’d extended toward me, and we had been given no time to reestablish it.
When she opened the door, I said, “I love you.”
She smiled and nodded. “I love you too.”
Maggie whined. Go sat on the arm of the chair, the stillest I’d ever seen him.
Zoe opened the door. Closed it.
In the space of a few minutes, she was gone.