CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Tara
After spending most of Saturday with Sean and Paisley, I knew I needed to go home. I’d occupied their time for half the weekend already, and they needed father/daughter time. Plus, I was still wearing my clothes from Friday night, and I was desperate to take a shower. I said goodbye and hurried home where I spent Saturday night in my pajamas, lounging around and reading a book.
It was relaxing, but I found myself thinking about Sean on and off all night. I thought about calling him, but I didn’t want to be “that girl,” who couldn’t even go a few hours without hearing his voice. I went to bed early, making a vow to myself that I wouldn’t try to call him for the rest of the weekend. I would see him at work the following week. It wasn’t far off, but it felt like an eternity when I woke up on Sunday morning. I knew I needed to distract myself so I went over to Niki’s for a surprise visit.
It was early when I knocked on her door, but she was already up. Surprised, I walked inside as she held the door open for me.
“What are you doing up so early?” I asked.
“What are you doing here so early?” she fired back. I smiled and cocked my head to the side as if to say “touché.”
“I missed you,” I answered honestly. “It’s been a couple weeks since we saw each other last.”
“True that.” Niki nodded. “Well, come on. I just made coffee.”
I followed Niki into the kitchen and sat down at the table. Niki’s apartment was small. It wasn’t quite a studio, but the square footage was the same. Her miniscule bedroom was hidden behind the only door in the place, with the bathroom tucked away inside. I joked that every time I peed there, I had to become a contortionist because the toilet was so close to the wall. Niki always accepted my jibes with good humor. She loved her apartment and would hear nothing negative about it. It was the perfect place for her: small, cheap, and trendy.
Niki handed me a purple coffee mug with a painted daisy on it. I smiled gratefully and took a long gulp. I didn’t sleep well the night before. With thoughts of Sean occupying my brain, it took me far too long to even close my eyes. The coffee slid down my throat with a welcome warmth. I sighed and closed my eyes.
“Tired?” Niki asked with raised eyebrows. She sat across from me and drank from her own mug.
“Didn’t sleep well last night,” I said evasively. I knew our conversation would eventually come around to Sean, but I wasn’t ready to discuss it quite yet.
“How’s work?” Niki asked. She pretended like it was an off-handed question, but I could tell she was interested. Her eyes locked on mine over her coffee mug while she waited for my answer.
“Really good,” I said. “You’d be surprised. The numbers are actually going up.”
“They are?” Niki asked. “Well, I am surprised. I thought the company would tank within the month.”
I laughed. “You have so much faith in me.”
“In you, yes,” Niki said firmly. “In that company? Absolutely not.”
“Well, either way, we’re doing well,” I said with a wave of my hand. “Sean really came through for us. He’s been a godsend.”
“So, he’s working out?” Niki asked.
“Perfectly,” I answered. “He was exactly what the company needed. The more we get him out in front of the press, the better the numbers will be. I’m sure of it.”
“I’m happy for you,” Niki said. “I mean, I don’t agree with the corporate scheme and all that bullshit, but if you’re happy, then I’m happy.”
“Thanks,” I said, grinning. “I guess that’s the best I can hope for you from you, huh?”
“Yup,” Niki said. “You hungry?”
I shrugged. “Sure.”
Niki went to the pantry and grabbed a bag of mini donuts. I smiled at her choice of breakfast foods but kept my mouth shut. While I tried to become a full-fledged adult, Niki resisted growing up like it was the plague. She still worked minimum wage, part-time jobs in an effort to maintain her independence, and she outright refused to eat anything healthier than an apple.
We sat at the table and gorged on mini donuts through most of the morning. Niki filled me in on her life, and I told her more about work. The conversation circled dangerously close to Sean, and I knew I had to tell her what was going on soon. If she hadn’t already guessed I was hiding something, she would eventually.
“Yeah,” I said after we finished yet another discussion about Sean’s ad campaigns. “I’ve been spending a lot of time with him.”
I tried to keep my voice casual, but just as I suspected, Niki’s eyes widened with interest. She looked at me closely, examining my face.
“What do you mean?” she asked carefully. “You mean, at work?”
“That.” I nodded. “And outside of work.”
“So, you’re dating him?” Niki asked.
Niki’s eyes widened even more. She whistled softly and looked around the room. I knew she was surprised, but I didn’t expect her to act that surprised.
“What?” I asked defensively.
“Nothing,” Niki said. “It’s just… Didn’t you swear off guys after your last breakup? I thought it would take a little longer for you to get back on the horse.”
“I’m not on any horse,” I assured her. “We’ve just been hanging out.”
“Hanging out?” Niki repeated. “So, you’re sleeping with him.”
I choked on my coffee and sputtered. As I wiped my mouth, Niki laughed and handed me a napkin. She shook her head side to side and watched me with an accusation in her eyes.
“You are, aren’t you?” she asked, once I’d stopped coughing. “You’re totally sleeping with him.”
“A couple times,” I said with a shrug. “It’s nothing.”
“Nothing?” She clearly did not believe me. “If it’s nothing, then why haven’t you told me until now?”
“Because I haven’t seen you,” I reminded her. “Remember, this is our time to catch up. I’m telling you now, aren’t I?”
“Uh huh,” she nodded. “And you didn’t think sex with a coworker warranted a phone call?”
“No,” I said. “And he’s not a coworker. Not really. He’s more of a…”
I paused, trying to find the right word. The truth was, Sean was my subordinate. I was his boss. He answered to me, but I didn’t want to point that out to Niki and give her even more ammunition to use against me. Instead, I let the end of my sentence hang in the air ambiguously.
“Right.” Niki laughed. “Well, when you figure it out, let me know.”
“It’s really not a big deal,” I said again. “He has a daughter, and I’ve been helping him out sometimes.”
“A daughter?” Niki’s face lost its amused expression. She shook her head, her eyes full of serious concern.
“Yeah,” I said. I didn’t know why Niki was acting like it was the end of the world. “She’s eight. Her name is Paisley. She’s really cute.”
“You have to get out of that,” Niki said firmly. “Now.”
“Get out of what?” I asked. “I already told you, I don’t know if there’s even anything to get out of at this point.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Niki said. “Tara, this is bad.”
“What’s bad?” I asked. Niki’s doom and gloom attitude was beginning to get on my nerves.
“It’s bad enough that you’re sleeping with a man who works for you,” Niki said slowly. “But you’re also hanging out with his kid?”
“She comes to the office sometimes.” I shrugged. “She seems to like me. That’s all.”
“And you’re sleeping with her dad,” Niki said.
“Yes, but—” I began, but Niki was already shaking her head. I’d never seen her look so serious.
“Tara,” she said. “This could end so badly and not just for the company. If that was all that was at stake, you know I wouldn’t care, but what about this little girl? What if she gets attached to you and then things don’t work out? You won’t just be leaving Sean, you’ll be leaving his daughter. Are you going to be able to live with that? Is she?”
“I hadn’t thought about it,” I said honestly. “This thing between Sean and I just started. It’s still new. I don’t even know what it is yet.”
“Good,” Niki said. “Then, that means there’s plenty of time to end it before it goes any further.”
“I don’t want to,” I argued. “I like Sean, and I like Paisley. I enjoy spending time with them. Why should I have to stop?”
“Okay,” Niki said. “Fine. What about her mom? Is she in the picture?”
I opened my mouth to answer, but I immediately hesitated. I knew where Niki was going with her line of questioning, and I didn’t want to help her get there.
“Well?” Niki pressed.
“She died,” I said softly. “Not long ago. That’s why she came to live with Sean and that’s why he’s needed my help from time to time.”
“Oh my god,” Niki shook her head. “Tara, what the hell are you thinking?”
“What?” I demanded. I was feeling more defensive by the second.
“You’ve lost your mind,” Niki accused. “This little girl is going to fall for you and then what? God, Tara you have to get out of this before you really hurt her.”
I fell silent and listened to Niki’s warnings. Part of me wanted to yell at her for ruining this for me. I really liked Sean. Why couldn’t that be good enough for my best friend? Instead, I stayed quiet because I knew she wasn’t entirely wrong.
“I don’t intend to leave,” I said softly. “I have no plans of walking away from either of them.”
“People never do,” Niki said. “But life happens.”
Again, she wasn’t wrong, but I didn’t want to admit that. The conversation changed topics, and we spent the rest of the afternoon snacking and talking. My mind was elsewhere though. From the time Niki brought up the repercussions of my actions, I hadn’t been able to think of anything other than Paisley.
I sat at home that night, replaying my conversation with Niki in my head. My phone rang.
“Hello?” I said without checking the caller id.
“Hey!” It was Sean. My heart skipped a beat.
“Hey,” I said slowly. “What’s up?”
“Not much,” he said. “I was just calling to see if you wanted to get dinner tonight. What do you think? You free?”
“Actually,” I said, looking around my empty apartment. I wanted to see Sean, but after everything Niki said, I knew I couldn’t. Not then. “I have plans with my friend Niki tonight. I’m sorry.”
“Oh,” Sean said. He sounded disappointed, and I immediately felt guilty. I closed my eyes tightly.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “We just haven’t seen each other in a while. She’s my best friend, so we need to catch up, you know?”
“Sure,” Sean said, covering his disappointment. “I understand. You guys have fun!”
“We will,” I said. “Maybe next time?”
“Definitely,” Sean said. I could hear the smile in his voice, and it made it that much harder to hang up. When I did, I dropped my phone onto the couch and leaned my head back against the cushions.
I hated lying to Sean. He didn’t deserve that, but how could I explain to him how I was feeling? How could I tell him that I was suddenly worried about how his daughter might take our hypothetical breakup? The answer was simple: I couldn’t. So instead, I lied. And I hated myself for it.
As sure as I was that my feelings for Sean were real, Niki did have a point. If something happened with Sean and me, then Paisley would be heartbroken. Even if I promised to keep in touch with her, it wouldn’t be the same and she would know it. Just two days ago, I’d been happier than I ever thought I could be. And now, I was more confused than ever.