CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Zoe
“Well, Mom. I think you would have approved.”
I laid my hand on the golden coffin with its enormous spray of assorted roses. Mom could never decide which color she favored, so I’d gotten them all. She’d never know but it made me feel better.
She’d lived for the glitz, the limelight, the attention… and all of that was happening in droves. Mom had finally gotten her wish — the entire country and much of the world was talking about her.
The casket was closed as I stood beside it and shook hands with the gaudily dressed women and sleazy looking men who’d dropped by to pay their last respects.
“Your mom was a jewel, and you’re the spitting image of her.”
“She showed me the ropes. I never would have survived the industry without her.”
I made myself smile at each remark. I couldn’t hate the ladies who had chosen this lifestyle. Like my mother, they all had their reasons. Their own crosses to bear. The guilt and shame they dealt with in different ways.
I did hate the producers, the agents… Theo Southerland especially.
Bile rose to my throat as the smarmy bastard approached. I’d stood in that same spot for over two long hours thinking I wouldn’t have to see his face. Just as the service was over and everyone left, he appeared, making my skin crawl.
“How’re ya holding up, doll?”
I didn’t even offer him a tight smile. “The truth is, as sad as I am about Mom’s passing, I’m glad that I never have to lay eyes on you or hear your voice again.”
He laughed, the slimy creep. Then he leaned forward, assaulting me with his cheap cologne and coffee breath, but I didn’t step away. “Don’t be like that. I took good care of your mama all these years. You should show me a little more respect.”
From the corner of my eye, Leslie appeared at the door. Her eyes narrowed the second she laid eyes on the asshole. I lifted a finger, silently asking her to wait. She gave a slight nod and took a step backward, but I knew she wouldn’t be going very far.
“I owe you nothing,” I said, turning back to Theo, scowling when he snapped a rose from the enormous spray on Mom’s casket and tucked it into his jacket pocket. I wanted to snatch it away, stuff it down his throat, but I only looked at him steadily, refusing to give him the pleasure of an emotional reaction.
He refocused his attention on me, his eyes sliding down my body, clearly displeased by my choice of attire. It wasn’t slutty enough, I was sure. Not by a long shot. But there was very little that was slutty enough for Theo Southerland.
“You and I have a few details to settle, so you can come by my office and—”
I didn’t even look at him. “No.”
He cursed under his breath and ran a hand over his greasy, slicked back hair. “Baby doll, your mom would want you to have her royalties. In a few quick signatures, the money would—”
I did face him that time. “I don’t want it.” When he appeared to be pleased, I realized my mistake. I didn’t want this horrible bastard to have it either. “I’ll have my attorney make sure it’s funneled to anti-pornography dot org.”
His jaw tightened and a vein on his forehead started to pulse. Good. I’d pissed him off. Maybe the damn thing would explode.
He lifted a finger, put it close to my face. It was one of the intimidation tactics I’d seen him do many times. “I’ll have you know that the industry provided you with a good lifestyle.”
I scoffed, and my ulcer, which had been hibernating as of late made itself known. “Lifestyle, maybe. But what about providing me with a life?”
He stepped closer, turning his head to eye me from the top of my hair, down to my feet and back again. “I could make you a star, doll. Give you a life where men worship at your feet. Revere you. Think of nothing but you. Give you financial freedom. Diamonds. Everything you ever wished for.”
He made me sick, and the ulcer began to burn in earnest, but I refused to let my face show my anxiety. “Go away.”
He exhaled, and I held my breath to staunch the bitter smell. “There are a few other things we need to go over before I leave, doll. The first is that the adult network will be doing a memorial for Cyn during the next awards show. They’d like it if you’d come and accept the award—”
“No.”
Like the hateful child he was, Theo stomped his foot, his face taking on a ruddy hue. “Aw, come on. You’re being ridiculous. Do it for your moth—”
“No.”
Even as the word left my mouth, he grabbed my arm, his fingers digging into the bone. “Listen to me, you little bitch.” His voice was low, menacing now. The vein in his forehead pulsed, like a worm slithering from his brain. “You, little girl, are going to do what I say, do you hear me?”
Mustering every bit of saliva in my mouth, I spit in his face.
The smack came so hard and so fast, I didn’t even have time to brace for the blow. I heard Leslie scream, but Theo was sneering in my face again. “I know how to take care of problems, little girl. Remember that little problem with your virginity? I took care of that good enough, didn’t I?”
I was stunned. The verbal punch hit much worse than the physical blow as I understood what he was saying. “You…” It couldn’t be true. Surely no one could be so cruel. “You had those men rape me?”
His fingers bit into my arm harder, grinding nearly to the bone. “Rape? They said you liked it. Got nice and wet for them. I knew you were a natural.” He laughed, his lip curling up into a sneer.
“It wasn’t Mom,” I realized. “She didn’t text me, wanting to meet me at the bar. You did. You set me up. Y had those men…” It was too awful to repeat.
He laughed. “Yep. And I didn’t even have to pay ‘em. Those boys jumped at the chance to pop your sweet little cherry. Lots of men will jump at the chance to—”
The hateful words disappeared as he was off me, dragged backward through the air, and Leslie was at my side, pulling me to her chest. All I saw was a flash of a dark suit before the sounds of wood pews cracking under the weight of the two men was drowned out by Theo’s pitiful screams.
Oh my god. It was him. He was here.
“Gray!”
Jumping forward, I watched in horror and some weird sort of fascination as Gray’s fist broke Theo’s nose with a loud cracking sound. Blood gushed, breaking me from my paralysis, and I grabbed onto Gray’s arm before he could land another blow.
“Gray. Stop. Please, it’s okay.”
Theo crumpled to the floor when Gray finally released him. Gray was breathing hard, his face a mask of fury as he pulled me into his arms.
Employees of the funeral home rushed into the room, and Leslie pointed at Theo. “He attacked Zoe. Call the police.” She looked at me, tears in her eyes. “I… I heard everything.”
Then I was in both of their arms, the two people I loved the most in the world surrounding me with their protection and love. But I didn’t cry. Theo Southerland would never be witness to my suffering.
An hour later, after giving the police my statement, I sat numb with Leslie at my side, our hands clutched together as I told her about the rape. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I just…”
Her fingers squeezed mine. “It’s okay. I knew something was wrong. I should have pressed harder instead of letting you run away to the mountains.”
I looked over at Gray, who was still talking to the detective, and like he could feel my gaze, he looked over at me too. I leaned my head against her shoulder. “I’m glad you let me run away to the mountains.”
Leslie kissed my cheek. “I’m going to miss you so much, you know that, right?”
I smiled. She knew me so well. “I’m going to miss you too, like crazy. You’ll have to visit Uncle Stanley’s cabin all the time.”
She laughed. “And you know you’ll miss the sun, so you’ll have to come back here.”
Leaning against her, I closed my eyes and a bone deep weariness overtook me. “Tell me I’m not crazy.”
Her sigh was loud and long. “You’re not crazy. He loves you. You love him. That’s the easy part. Now, you go and figure each other out, see if the love can outlast the crap that every relationship goes through.” She kissed my cheek again. “And if it doesn’t, you’ll always have a home with me, but I have a feeling you’ll both be okay.”
Gray looked at me and my stomach twisted at the rawness of the gaze.
“Damn…” Leslie sighed, “I hope a man looks at me like that one day. I can’t wait to read your new sex scenes. New York Times Best Seller, here we come.” She laughed, a soft sound that always made me smile. “Pardon the pun.”
I grinned, blushing to my roots as I gave her a shoulder check. “You’re punny.” Then I looked at Gray again. He looked so good in his charcoal suit, the blue tie setting off his eyes. “He’s gorgeous, isn’t he?”
“Yes, he is. And in the few minutes I got to meet him before the shit hit the fan with that sleazebag, I really liked him, so there’s much more to him than that handsome face. Zoe, did you know he’s been here for hours? He stayed in the vestibule, watching over you all evening.”
My heart squeezed. “He seems to have a habit of doing that, doesn’t he?”
“With you, yes. There’s some crazy connection there, and you need to explore it, hold onto it tight.”
It was my turn to kiss her cheek. “I will. I promise. I’ll hold on with both hands and my teeth.”
She laughed. “Good. Because here he comes.”
Leslie hadn’t even had to tell me. I already knew. I felt him approach.
Reaching down for my pendent, I watched her reach for her pendent too. Smiling, we chanted together. “We make our own luck. Own love. Own life. Own legacy.” Then we kissed our clovers, sealing the wish.
We laughed, then both our faces twisted into the early onset of an ugly cry. “I love you, Zoe.”
“I love you, Les.”
Leslie stood and poked a finger in Gray’s chest. “You better be good to her.” Before he could react, she gave me a wink and strode down the aisle, the exaggerated swing of her hips making me smile.
“She’s kinda scary,” Gray said and sat down next to me.
“She’s awesome.”
He chuckled. “Yeah, that too.”
As if a hand was pushing me toward him, I leaned sideways until my head was on his shoulder. “I’m glad you’re here.”
He kissed my hair, wrapping an arm around me. “I want to be wherever you are.”
That surprised me. I looked up at him. “So, you’d stay in California?”
He nodded, his pupils flaring to cover the blue. “Anywhere.”
I grinned, feeling the ease of being with him surround me. “My next novel will feature Paris. Will you go there?”
“Oui. And since that’s the only French word I know, I guess I better get Rosetta Stone.”
“Je prendrai soin de toi.” He lifted a brow, and I translated. “I will take care of you.”
“I’m impressed.”
“Three years of high school French is bored into my brain.”
The silence stretched, lengthened. One of the funeral home workers discreetly cleared his throat.
“I guess that’s our signal,” Gray said and stood, offering me his hand.
I smiled and linked my fingers through his, my knees feeling like an old lady’s as I rose. Then I reached up and stroked his shorter hair, his trimmed beard. I kinda missed the rugged look, but he looked mighty fine this way too.
“I’m glad you didn’t shave off your beard.”
He smiled, and there was a hint of sadness in the gesture. “I knew you liked it.”
I stroked the soft hair, ran a thumb over his lips. “I do like it, and I like the person underneath it. Very much.”
“Zoe…” His hand came to the base of my neck. “There’s so much I want to say to you. I—”
I stroked his mouth with my thumb again. “Later. Right now, please take me home.”
He pushed my hair from my face, tucked a lock behind my ear. “Absolutely. You’ll have to give me the address. It’s funny how I know you so deeply but I don’t know simple things like that.”
I bit my lip, cocking my head to the side. “I’m actually not sure of the address, actually. It’s somewhere on top of Montana.”
He exhaled, and it was like every cell in his body released some built-up tension. The gap between his teeth showed, making my heart ache. “I think I know the place.”
Our lips touched, and everything in the universe aligned, falling into place as we came together. “Where’s Maggie and Go?”
“The owners of Pop’s are keeping them. Mrs. Pop cried when she learned you were okay. She’s been blaming herself for letting you leave the store that day.”
My heart squeezed. “I’m so sorry I worried her. She’s such a sweet lady. I adore her.”
“Yeah, I think she adores you too. And her son has a mad crush. I think I have some competition.”
I linked my fingers with his. “Let’s go. I want to see them all.” Then the smile faded as I looked over at Mom’s casket. The gold coffin was only for today. Tomorrow, she would be cremated as were her wishes.
“I don’t want to spend eternity in a hole,” she’d told me once in her dramatic fashion, tossing her arms wide. “Spread my ashes into the air, set me free.”
And I would set her free in every way I could.
“Give me a minute.”
Gray nodded and squeezed my fingers, pressing his lips to my forehead again. On shaky legs, I headed to where she lay.
I laid my hand on the casket and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry that your life was so hard. It wasn’t fair. I hope you can find peace now.”
What else should I say?
I wanted to say that I was sorry I couldn’t love her like a daughter should love her mother. I wanted to say that I was sorry for being embarrassed, for sometimes hating her instead.
Words were powerful, but sometimes useless as the guilt that produced them, so I leaned down and pressed my cheek to the cold metal instead. “Be free, Cyn Meadows,” I whispered and added a word I hadn’t said in years… “Mommy.”
Straightening, I turned my back on the past and faced my present. My future. My everything.
He held out his hand, and I took it gladly, following him into the heat of the L.A. night.
***
Hours later, I stepped off the plane into the crisp air of Montana. An hour after that, I was being squeezed practically to death by Mrs. Pop. Maggie was barking and Go was climbing my leg. Pop Junior Junior stood in the corner, giving Gray the evil eye.
Then we were at the cabin. Home. The stress of the past few days fell from my shoulders as I stepped inside and Gray struck a match to the fire. I followed him to the bedroom where he did the same.
When he stood, the fire flaming at his back, I went to him, stepping into his embrace, saying what had been building up in my chest. I’d said the words before, as I left him a few days ago, but needed to say them again, when I returned.
“I love you, Gray.”
His nostrils flared, and his lips crashed down on mine, his hands moving down my back, grabbing my ass and pulling me against him, then up until my legs were around his waist. In a few long strides, the mattress was at my back.
I wanted him. Needed him in a way that was primal and raw. In a way I never knew my body craved.
“You have too many clothes on,” Gray murmured against my lips, and sat up, pulling me until I was sitting too. “Hands up.” Smiling, I complied, and then my shirt was gone and on the floor. Seconds later, my bra was gone too.
As he cupped my breasts, my body instantly ignited, the rough calluses on his hands causing the ache deep in my belly to verge on painful. I needed him to soothe it, take the agony away. To take me to the place only he could show me. The place where I didn’t have to think — I just had to be.
He growled, taking my mouth again, our lips crashing together, his tongue seeking entrance, claiming mine completely. I surrendered. Surrendered everything. I’d give him anything he wanted. Anything at all.
I pushed up his shirt, needing his skin too, our lips breaking apart only long enough to rid him of the barrier. My movements were frantic as I pressed us close together, trying to merge my body into his.
I was gasping when he broke the kiss, his lips moving down my jaw to my neck. Then lower, nipping my shoulder before licking all the way down to my breast.
I cried out his name as his teeth claimed my nipple before sucking it deep into his mouth. I keened, arching my hips, seeking his erection, his thigh, anything to give me the friction I so desperately needed.
Still sucking and licking, his hand moved down to my jeans, opening the button. The hiss of the zipper was so sexy on the air. I lifted my hips, helping him get them down my legs, then his fingers were there, finding my center through the white cotton panties.
“So fucking wet,” he muttered and pushed the material into me, causing me to wail his name again. The heel of his hand ground into my clit, circling as he increased the pressure. I arched into it, needing it faster, harder as his tongue licked deep into my mouth.
Then he was gone, moving between my legs, and his mouth… God, his mouth had replaced his fingers. He pulled the cotton aside and stared down at my sex, pushing my thighs wider apart.
“So pretty,” he said before stripping the panties off. “So pink and ready for me.”
I grew wetter still as his tongue moved up and down my slit, going a little bit deeper with each stroke. I pulled at his hair, bucked my hips, needing more. Harder. Faster. Friction. He gave it all, closing his teeth around my clit, scraping it, bringing my entire body to life in a war of pain and pleasure, his beard its own torture as it grazed my sensitive skin.
Surrendering to it all, I palmed my breasts, pinching my nipples as his tongue and teeth and fingers assaulted me in the most incredible way. He lapped at me, going lower, his tongue swirling around my ass, bringing those sensitive nerves alive too.
“Please,” I begged, and he moaned, the vibration shooting straight through me. I abandoned my breasts, lowering my hands into his soft hair, pulling at the roots as he devoured me, his fingers sliding, curling, stroking my inner walls.
I exploded, crying with the intensity of it all, the climax hitting me like an avalanche as it carried me over the edge.
He pushed off the bed, his pants and boxers hitting the floor. I licked my lips as his cock sprang free, glistening with pre-cum. Scrambling to sit, I claimed the drops, licking them away before sucking the head into my mouth.
He growled low in his chest as I took his ass in my hands, pulling him deeper into my throat. He pulled at my hair, cursing, trying to drag me away, but I held on until I felt him pulsing in my mouth.
“You’ve got to stop. Too soon.”
I let him go, his cock making an erotic popping sound as it left my mouth. Then he flipped me over and pulled my hips up, his hand pressing my head into the mattress as he slammed into me, finding the end of me in one long stroke.
I screamed as my body struggled to accept him, my fingers curling into the sheets. I contracted my inner muscles, clamping down on him like a fist.
“Shit,” he groaned. “So fucking tight.”
I smiled, the goddess in me pleased by my ability to unravel him as much as he unraveled me. I tried to turn, wanting to see his face. Sensing what I needed, he pulled out, flipping me over before driving into me again.
My breasts rocked on my chest with each deep stroke. The muscles in his arms twitched as he held himself above me.
“So beautiful,” he murmured before sinking down to take my lips, his hips moving at a brutal speed.
My hands went into his beard, and I pushed his face up until I could see his eyes. “I love you,” I said and received that growl in return, feeling the vibration of the sound roll through me.
“God, I love you too. So damn much.”
As if the words calmed the animal raging inside him, he slowed the pace, grinding now, circling his hips. Sitting back on his heels, he hooked an arm under each of my knees, spreading me wider to his greedy gaze.
Very slowly, he withdrew until only the tip held me open. I watched him watch our bodies reconnect. In. Out. A sheen of sweat glistened on his forehead and chest as he gritted his teeth in the effort to slow down.
“You feel so good,” he said, his eyes on the place where we connected.
In. Out.
The slow pace was driving me crazy, each pass of the ridge of his cock on my sensitive tissues pushing me to the brink of madness.
“Please, Gray.”
He grinned, his eyes flicking up to mine, his hand moving to squeeze my breast, kneading hard and deep. “Tell me what you want.”
“Hard. Fast. I need you to make me come.”
Instead of fulfilling my request, he flipped us until I rode him, his fingers linking with mine. “Take what you need.”
I did, grinding down until my clit pressed against his pubic bone, lifting and lowering on his glistening dick.
“Lean back,” he said. “I want to see.”
Doing as he asked, I placed my hands on his thighs, spreading my legs until I’d fulfilled his request.
I felt beautiful, like the goddess he called me. Powerful and strong as I watched his face while I picked up speed. To give this much pleasure to another person was heady. To have this amount of control over such a strong man addicting.
Very slowly, his hands moved up my thighs until one found my clitoris, the other cupping a bouncing breast. The moment his thumb pushed against me, I exploded, grinding down on him hard, crying out with the suddenness of it all.
I was still quaking when he flipped us again, this time driving hard, chasing his own need. When he found it, he roared, his body tensing as he filled me with his seed.
Maybe this will be our baby.
I hugged the thought as tight as I hugged him as he fell onto me, his limp weight making it hard to breathe. But I didn’t care. I held him as his breathing slowed.
When he pushed to his elbows, I mourned the loss of his heat, but he only rolled to his side, taking me with him.
To the sound of his beating heart and the crackle of the fire, I closed my eyes, contentment like a warm cloak settling upon me.
“Are you still planning on changing your name?”
The question surprised me, and I lifted onto my elbow until I could see his face. “Yes, especially now with all the publicity. If I never see anything newspaper, it will be too soon.”
He kissed my forehead, my nose, my cheek, his fingers linking with mine. “What do you think about Zoe Maddox?”
Everything inside of me squeezed, and I searched his eyes and found the truth. “I think it has a nice ring to it.”
I yelped as he sat up and flipped me onto my back. “I want you to marry me, Zoe. Take my name. Take anything you want.” He pushed my hair back, curling it over my ear. “It doesn’t have to be right now, or even a year from now. But I want you to know that my end goal is to be your husband. We can travel first if you want. It can be on your timetable because I know we still barely know each—”
I pressed my fingertips to his mouth.
“Yes. Yes to everything.” Emotion filled my eyes, burned my nose. “You’re the happily ever after I thought I’d only get to write about.”