CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Sean
As hard as I tried to keep my anger in check, it kept rearing its ugly head. The entire drive home from Yates’ Motorcycles was silent. I asked Paisley if she was okay, but she just nodded and looked out the window. I could tell she was upset. How could she not be? After what Zach did to her, I would be surprised if she ever acted normal again. Still, I wished she would talk to me and tell me how she felt about it. I knew better than to push her, so I stayed quiet until we made it back home.
At home, the night dragged by slowly. Paisley and I ate dinner together. I asked her a few questions, and she answered politely, but she asked to go to bed right after she finished eating. I said yes, then followed her to her room a few minutes later. She was dressed in her pajamas and curled up beneath her blankets. Her eyes focused on the ceiling above her and she wore a thoughtful expression. It reminded me of her first few days with me, right after Claire died.
“Did you brush your teeth?” I asked, sitting at the foot of her bed.
“Yes,” she said.
I nodded. “Good.” I looked at her for a few seconds, trying to work up the courage to say all the things I wanted to say. “Listen, I know you don’t want to talk about it, and that’s okay, but I really want to make sure you’re okay after what happened today.”
“I’m fine,” Paisley said almost too quickly.
“What that man did,” I continued. “Zach. He should not have grabbed you that way. No one should ever do that to you or anyone else. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” Paisley said. Her eyes stayed glued to the ceiling.
“Maybe not,” I said. “But I’m your dad, and it’s my job to protect you. So, I’m sorry.”
“You did protect me,” Paisley said softly. “You pushed him.”
Her voice was low, but I could see her expression change. She no longer looked thoughtful, she looked nervous, almost scared. Suddenly, I realized that I might have been worried about the wrong thing this whole time.
“Did I scare you?” I asked weakly. “When I pushed Zach, did I scare you?”
Paisley didn’t answer right away. She blinked a few times as if she were trying not to cry, and then she nodded her head. My heart sunk into my stomach, and I had to fight back tears of my own. I couldn’t believe I’d scared my own daughter. I was her father and I was the person she was afraid of. What had I done?
“Paisley,” I said. “I am so sorry for scaring you. I just saw Zach hurt you, and I got angry.”
“I know,” Paisley said. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay,” I argued. “If you were scared, then it’s not okay.”
“I’m okay now,” Paisley said. I could tell she was just trying to make me feel better, and that fact only increased my guilt. I sighed and stood up.
“Get some sleep,” I said. “Sweet dreams.”
“Goodnight,” Paisley whispered. She rolled over to face the wall while I let myself out of the room.
I pulled the door closed behind me and felt a lump growing in my throat. For hours, I’d been thinking that Paisley would be scarred after what Zach did to her. I was so angry with him for grabbing her that way that I didn’t stop to think how my actions would affect her. Of course, she was afraid. She had a strange man grab her by the arm, and then her father shoved that man against a wall. Worse still, I just sent her away without hugging her or comforting her in any way. Tara took her out of the room because I wanted to fight Zach. I was selfish. I was arrogant. I was anything but a good dad.
My guilt overwhelmed me as I made my way into my bedroom. I thought about watching television to take my mind off things, but I knew it wouldn’t work. My head was spinning and I felt exhausted. Not for the first time, I heard Zach’s voice echo in my mind.
“Are you sure she’s your daughter?”
The look on his face when he repeated that question made me want to beat him senseless all over again. I wanted to permanently shut him up. How dare he hurt my daughter and then question whether she was really mine? I couldn’t believe he would be so petty and vindictive. Despite everything he’d already done, I always hoped there was something redeemable left inside my brother. No matter how bad things got between us, and they’d gotten horrible over the years, I never truly hated him. Not really.
There were times when I vowed that I would never see Zach again. Times when I swore to anyone who would listen that I would kill him if he ever came near me. But I never meant it. I was hurt and I was angry. He was responsible for so many of the bad things in my life, but he was still my brother. He was still my family.
Now, I wasn’t sure how to feel. The second he grabbed Paisley, all my hope vanished. I no longer wanted to search for his redeeming qualities. I no longer wished that, one day, he would apologize and we could be brothers again. For the first time, I truly hated him. I wanted to cause him pain. I wanted to make him hurt the way he’d made me hurt.
Then, he took it further. As if grabbing Paisley wasn’t enough, he had to throw that question at me like a knife. The second I heard him, I felt like my mind caved in on itself.
“Are you sure she’s your daughter?”
I fell asleep with that question in my mind. I heard it echo in my dreams. And, when I woke up the next morning, it was the first thing I thought about.
***
It was five o’clock in the morning when I woke up. It was early, way too early to be awake, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep again. My mind was too full. I thought a good night’s sleep would help me relax after the fight, but it didn’t. I was just as angry, confused, and guilty as ever. My heart and my stomach felt heavy. I thought about eating an early breakfast, but I felt too nauseated to even try.
Instead, I sat on the couch for an hour, dwelling on the past. I remembered every detail of the previous day. From talking to Tara in the conference room to storming out of the office with Paisley at my side. It all stood out clearly in my mind. I could still feel the way Zach’s nose felt as it broke against my hand. The rush of adrenaline I felt at the sight of his blood felt amazing at the time, but looking back, it only brought me more misery.
How could I have been so selfish? Paisley needed me. A stranger had just stormed into the room and yanked her up by her arm. What was I thinking? How could I not realize how much my daughter needed me in that moment? She didn’t need Tara. She didn’t need to be sent away. The last thing she needed was to be away from me, but that’s exactly what I did. I made her leave and I succumbed to the darkest parts of myself.
Sitting on the couch that morning, I had never hated myself more. When my phone rang, I glanced at the unknown number before I silenced it and threw it across the room. It rang every few minutes for a couple of hours, but I didn’t care. I soon tuned out the noise and forgot about it entirely.
As the sun began to rise, I knew I couldn’t sit on the couch all day. Paisley would wake up soon, and I would have to pretend like everything was okay. I knew it was going to be hard, and I needed to clear my head so I could be the dad she deserved.
I went out to the garage so I could work on my bike. Motorcycles had always been my comfort. Disappearing into an engine for a few hours always reminded me of who I was, who I was supposed to be. I thought if I worked on my motorcycle for a couple hours, I would be ready when Paisley woke up. I would be myself again. I would be prepared and ready to really be her dad again.
Sinking to the floor on my garage, I pulled my tools toward me and went to work on my bike. There wasn’t much to fix; I always kept it in good condition, but just the act of picking up my tools made me feel better. I instantly fell into a rhythm and forgot about the rest of the world. My mind focused on the motorcycle in front of me and nothing could change that.
Until it did. Until, after twenty minutes, Zach’s voice once again encroached on my mind.
“Are you sure she’s really your daughter?”
I forced those thoughts to the back of my mind. Of course, Paisley was my daughter. How could I even question that? Zach was just trying to get a rise out of me. He was just screwing with me in an attempt to make me lose my cool all over again.
“Are you sure she’s really your daughter?”
The grin on Zach’s face burned in my memory. I couldn’t shake it. I couldn’t forget it. It haunted me while I tightened a few bolts on the bike. I yanked the wrench violently and tried to relax.
“Are you sure she’s really your daughter?”
What could Zach have meant by that? Was there any way, any way at all, that Paisley wasn’t mine? Could Zach know something that I didn’t? Could Paisley really be someone else’s?
No. I jerked my arm away from my bike and threw the wrench across the garage. It clattered against the far wall and hit the ground with a loud slam. My heart rate picked up and my breathing became ragged. I felt just as angry as I had the day before. It was as if I was back in that conference room, staring at Zach’s bloody face.
My stomach churned uncomfortably while the waves of anger continued to roll. I wondered if Zach was telling the truth, if Paisley really wasn’t my daughter. It was insane. It was crazy to think that she wasn’t, but still. His voice nagged at the back of my mind, and I couldn’t silence it.
I was losing my cool again. Guilt followed anger, and then more anger followed the guilt. I was stuck in a vicious cycle I couldn’t escape. Paisley would be awake soon, and I was still too furious to function. What kind of father was I if I couldn’t calm down for the sake of my child? If I couldn’t pull myself together long enough to take care of my daughter?
My question answered itself. What kind of father was I? A shitty one.
Not for the first time, I questioned whether Paisley would be better off without me, whether I should have taken the police officer’s offer to place her in foster care. My old insecurities came back with a vengeance, and I remembered all the times I convinced myself Paisley was better off with Claire. I stayed away because I knew I couldn’t be a good dad, and now, here I was, proving myself right.