Chapter 32
Without even having to roll over to see the clock, Cassie knew that it was around three in the morning. No matter where she was in the world or how tired her body was, three o’clock was the magic number. Or the witching hour, if you wanted to look at it as such. Cassie would wake up then and be unable to get back to sleep.
She’d once heard someone say that waking up between three and four in the morning was due to the mind and body dealing with old regrets. She supposed that was true in her case.
If the mood was right, trying to meditate was an option, or she might read for a while until her brain shut down and put her to back sleep. Sometimes she would try a cup of warm milk or tea instead. So far, no foolproof method had been that magic key. Mostly, she just lay in bed or got up and wandered. Tonight, she lay there staring at the ceiling, remembering the night’s walk with Brody.
The two of them had lain on the beach in silence before they talked a little more about wedding duties, then Brody had taken her hand and walked Cassie back to the house with no more words said between them. By unspoken agreement, neither of them wanted to rejoin the festivities, and Brody had taken Cassie to her room. At the door, he pulled her into a tight hug before pressing a kiss to her forehead and walking off. Cassie almost called him back, aching for the feel of his arms holding her again.
The loneliness after the door closed had been unbearable.
Recognizing the signs, Cassie knew there was no way her mind would shut off anytime soon, which made wandering aimlessly better than anything else. Getting up, she pulled on some clothes and grabbed a wrap. At the patio off her room, she followed the path down and around the house to the pretty side garden lounge area Cassie had discovered during the time Brody had brought her here. Semi-enclosed from the rest of the house yet still open and shaded to the sea below and starry sky above, it had been Cassie’s favorite place to curl up and relax. Brody would invariably find her, and they would talk for hours or he would seduce her yet again.
The night breeze was cooler than she’d expected and made her glad for the wrap. Cassie rounded the corner and found Brody lying on one of the cushioned outdoor couches. It seemed more than one person in the house had trouble sleeping.
He looked… awful. Clothes twisted as though he’d gone to bed without bothering to change. Haggard. Exhausted. And when she truly looked, he seemed… haunted.
The tumbler of drink in his hand spoke volumes.
Brody had sworn he wouldn’t drink that heavy again. At least, not so much that he made a jackass out of himself again. The party had been good. He’d stuck to a single drink and water the rest of the night. But talking with Cassie had done him in. The entire night had done him in.
He might be a bit warm from the drink right now, but he’d kept his promise. He wasn’t anywhere close to drunk yet and damn if he didn’t wish that were less of a fact. At least when he was drunk, he had the illusion that everything was all right. But he knew that in the past couple of months — longer if he admitted the truth — since that fucking invitation had arrived, and with it the realization that he would have to see Cassie again, he’d been turning to that comfort more than he should have to fight how much he wanted her back.
Flowers and light.
Bringing the glass to his lips for another swallow, Brody cussed low and vicious, swearing he could smell the faint scent of Cassie on the wind. For the most part, he’d gotten through talking to her again. The pain of ripping out all his feelings and letting them bleed fresh had been needed. They had needed to talk but God, holding her again had left a gaping wound inside him. Maybe a better solution would be to just throw himself into the Hollywood party scene and drown out the pain with other women like some in his business did?
The problem was, there wasn’t another woman he wanted to touch. The added irony of that problem was that he was surrounded by beautiful women all the time. Ones who made no secret of wanting to get to know him better. But Cassie had been the only one who hadn’t wanted what his money or his fame could buy. All she had wanted was him.
Any time another woman had crossed his mind, all he saw was Cassie. No woman out there could compare to the way she used to light up and smile when she saw him, her red hair lifting in the wind, or her face soft and blissful after they made love. The way Brody could sit with her and talk for hours.
The way she moved when she walked toward him.
Brody blinked, focused his bleary eyes, and shook his head with a smile, taking another drink. Hallucinations were the first part of madness. Followed by… what next? He couldn’t remember. Then the hallucination sat next to him on the chaise and leaned down to smooth his hair back. So beautiful in the moonlight.
“Is that you, Cassie, baby?”
A sad smile slid over her face. “It is. What are you doing, Brody Miller?”
“Trying to sleep. Sometimes if I drink enough…” He watched as sadness made her pretty elfin eyes fill. “Don’t cry, gorgeous. Please don’t cry.” Brody couldn’t bear to see her cry. “I haven’t slept well since… well since.”
A liquid diamond fell. Lit by the moon, it trailed in a silver streak down her cheek, followed by another. He raised a thumb to brush them away. Cassie leaned in and took the glass from his hand — it had been about to fall — and set it on the table next to them.
“Brody, you don’t need this. You’re stronger than this.” Soft fingers traced his face like a cool cloth for the turmoil fighting inside him. Words soft and pleading, Cassie said, “I need you to be that strong man again.”
“I don’t know if I can. It’s so hard. I miss holding you so much…” Brody closed his eyes on the fresh wave of pain that the whiskey hadn’t covered up. “So much… I miss you.” He was so damn tired of fighting it, worn down to the bone from it.
Cassie shifted and lay down next to him, pulling his arms around her to snuggle with her head on his shoulder. Her feminine curves pressed gently down the length of him, and part of the ache let go. Just the feel of her next to him was like a balm to his soul. Closing his eyes, Brody held on, never wanting to let her go.
“I saw our baby,” Cassie said quietly. Her fingers had come up to tangle in the hair at his neck and trace the edge of his beard.
The words rocked him to the core. “What?”
“It sounds crazy, I know. But I did — on this yoga retreat a few weeks ago that Anna made me go on. A healing retreat for those who have experienced loss. During the one meditation, I saw this light. This tiny little bright light. It was dancing, and I knew somehow it was our baby. Back and forth, bouncing and twisting, turning and giggling between these four shadows around her.”
It sounded so beautiful — the simple idea of it. Brody’s pain, that had lingered within him for so long he didn’t know how to live without it, lightened a bit and eased away to something different.
Acceptance of knowing that their little one was happy.
“Four shadows, huh? Maybe our grandparents. What do you think?” He was so tired… just wanted to sleep.
“That feels right.” Cassie sighed and snuggled closer. Her hand continued to stroke his hair like it used to. Comforting. Soothing. “They were so happy to have her.”
Brody lay silent for a moment with the vision wrapping happily around him. Then Cassie’s words hit, and a surreal smile came out. “Her? You sure? A girl?”
“Yes.” He could feel Cassie smile too with it. “It was definitely girl energy.”
“Huh… I’ll be damned. A girl…” Letting out a breath, he said, “I’d love a girl. Three brothers are a pain in the ass.” Exhaustion was pulling him under, and the rest murmured out. “Red hair… pretty eyes like her momma.”
Cassie propped up her head on a hand to look down at him with a soft smile. It was like a light in the darkness to see that smile truly reach her eyes. “You didn’t want a son?”
She was so beautiful in the moonlight and so full of caring. Drowsy to the point that he could barely think, Brody touched her face and his eyes closed as his hand fell away. “Just wanted you. Whatever we had would have been enough. Boy or girl. We lost our baby… I lost you… lost everything.”
Sleep took him as Cassie leaned in to brush a kiss to his lips, soft as a feather and just as sweet.
“We’re going to be okay. We found each other again. Go to sleep, I’m here. This time, I’m going to heal you.”
Laying her head down again, everything drifted away. Content to be with Brody, her body finally gave over to sleep knowing they had each other. Because she had begun to heal, she knew Brody could too. This time, she wouldn’t let him down.