Past
When you’re in love, you don’t care about anything except holding on to the feeling. You can’t see their flaws. You can’t see the hard ground beneath you or how bad it’s going to hurt when you finally do land. That’s how it is with Dean. That’s how it always is with him.
Like flying.
But what goes up…must come down.
Over the next three years, I slip into my role as mother and wife. I stay home and take care of Caroline while Dean continues to work for Greasystix. He also does side jobs for extra money. He loves to work on motors, engines, anything you can take apart and put back together. He’s good at it, too. Working for himself also gives him more confidence, something I’ve learned Dean has very little of. Which makes it hard for us to find a balance in our relationship. We are constantly up and down. His temper flares at the mention of Linc, and I resent him for forcing me to pull away.
I never told Linc what Dean said the day Caroline was born. I just pretend everything is okay. Linc is always busy so it’s really hard to talk to him sometimes. Not only does he have a day job, where he works ten to twelve hour shifts, but he also spends every chance he can playing his heart out, trying to pave his way.
At first I felt guilty for going behind my husband’s back, but now I don’t. Linc was there before Dean ever came into the picture, and I told Dean early in our relationship that I would never give him up.
I meant it.
Caroline occupies most of my time so I’m not able to dwell on Linc not being here too much, but I still feel the void. Like a gaping hole in the center of my chest.
Once Dean leaves for work, Caroline and I eat our breakfast. Then I pack us a lunch and load up the car to head to the park.
Rachel is meeting us there today. I am excited to see her. We don’t get to spend a lot of time together these days because she is always so busy. She works as a receptionist for her father’s landscaping company and she is also going to community college to study business. She and Will finally found a place together. The two of them are planning on getting married next spring, but babies are a long ways off, she always says. I think that has a lot to do with me. She’s heard enough about my struggles to know having a baby so young will halt any of her future plans.
Because, unlike me, she’s always known exactly what she wants to do with her life.
I find our usual spot, a picnic table near the swings. Once I have everything settled, I unfasten Caroline from her stroller and put her in the toddler swing.
She swats the front of the seat with excitement, eager for me to push her. “Sing, Mama. Sing!” she squeals and I smile.
Giving her a gentle push, she gasps with delight as her tiny fists cling to the chains. “Is that fun?”
“Pun!” she replies with a giggle.
We spend the next couple of hours playing before I settle Caroline on a blanket with her toys. Then I take out my notebook and begin to write.
I have no idea what possessed me to start a journal. But I’m so glad I did. I find solace here. A place to fly, because there are days I feel like I’m trapped in a cage, clipped wings with no song to sing.
Desolate are the skies so gray.
They only turn blue when I see your face.
Every hour of every day I think of your kiss.
And all the ones I’ll forever miss.
It is without fear that I accept this fate.
For I will find my way someday.
I slam the notebook shut when tears begin to sting my eyes. I’ve written hundreds of passages and poems. Some are shallow and don’t even begin to scratch the surface of the turmoil I am fighting inside. But some…some of those words bare all of me. Words that strip away all of the armor and resentment and anger.
Those are the ones that scare me the most.
The ones that harbor the most truth.
I glance up to see Rachel heading my way so I quickly tuck my small notebook inside the side pocket of Caroline’s diaper bag. Her long brown hair is pulled back in a smooth ponytail. Wearing stylish jeans, a cute blue top, and a smile that lights up her entire face, she leans down to give me a hug then she reaches for Caroline.
“Ray Ray!” Caroline squeals with pure joy as Rachel scoops her up.
“Well, hello there, sweet girl.” Peppering her chubby cheeks with kisses, Caroline giggles. “I’ve missed you.”
When she’s finished giving her all the lovin’s, as she likes to call it, she sets her back down on the blanket and we both take a seat on either side of her. I begin unpacking Caroline’s snacks and refilling her sippy cup.
“So how’s the new place?” I ask, anxious to hear all about the good things happening in her life. We speak on the phone a few times a week but it is hard to find the time to catch up face-to-face.
She sighs. “I’m so damn tired. We finally got everything unpacked but it’s funny, now that we live together, we hardly see each other. I work all the time and go to school and he’s been pulling double shifts at work. It’s been stressful but we’re trying to find time for each other. Even if it is in the middle of the night,” she finishes with a wink.
It’s amazing to me, after all of this time, how much in love they still are with one another. I’m envious of her sometimes, not only of her freedom but because she gets to be with the man she truly loves.
“How’ve you been? I bet this little munchkin is keepin’ ya busy,” she says, giving Caroline a belly tickle.
“Lord yes, she’s into everything.”
We both laugh.
“She definitely keeps me on my toes,” I say. “The other day I found her coloring on her bedroom wall. Thank goodness for magic erasers.”
“How are things going between you and Dean?”
I’ve confided in Rachel some, but she doesn’t know everything. She knows Dean hates Linc but I haven’t told anyone about his terrible mood swings.
He says it is stress. He does work a lot. There are days when I won’t see him at all except when he climbs in bed at night and even there, the connection between us is strained. But I keep telling myself that is normal. It’s hard to balance family and work and still make time for each other.
“We’re doing our best to make it work.”
Her brows bunch together as she studies me carefully while Caroline jumps and climbs all over her lap. “Are you happy?”
“Most days.”
Caroline brings so much joy to my life and she makes the lonely days and nights bearable, but sometimes I find myself wondering what could have been. I feel ashamed for even thinking it because I wouldn’t trade my daughter for anything in the world, but there are moments I ask myself if this is where I am meant to be.
“Have you talked to Dean about going to Nashville with us? Linc talked to Will last night and he’s so excited for us to come. This show is a big deal. It sold out in less than an hour.”
I shake my head, agony squeezing my heart. “No, not yet.”
“Sylvie, it’s two weeks away. You need to talk to him.”
“I will,” I lie again.
There’s no way Dean will let me go even though I desperately want to.
“You better. It won’t be the same without you, and Linc will be heartbroken.”
That will make two of us.
We move on to other topics and before I know it…it’s time for her to go back to work.
“Listen, I better go. I need to run by the post office for Dad before I head back.”
“Okay.”
After smothering Caroline with hugs and kisses, we get to our feet and she pulls me in for a hug. “Talk to him tonight, Sylvie. I mean it.” She kisses my cheek then smiles. “Call me later.”
I sigh, wondering if it’s even worth the fight. I know Linc is worth it but I also know my husband, and I know what he’ll say. I just need to find a way to tell Linc I’m not coming to what could be the biggest night of his life without him hating me for it.
Once I have Caroline settled for her nap, I sit staring at the phone for the next half hour before I finally work up the nerve to call him.
“Syl,” he answers in a low, husky voice, dragging out the L. His familiar greeting slips into my heart with great heat, depositing an ache almost impossible to contain.
“Hey,” I say quietly, lying back on the couch with a throw pillow clutched to my chest, but it does absolutely nothing to staunch the longing I feel.
“How are my girls today?”
I smile. “Good. Caroline finally fell asleep.”
“Long morning?”
“Yeah, we just got home from the park. We had lunch with Rachel and Miss Priss threw a fit when we left so she ended up crying herself to sleep on the way home. She wears me out.”
Linc chuckles. “I can’t wait to see her. I bet she’s grown so much since Easter. You need to bring me some recent pictures when you come visit.”
My heart races as dread settles like an anchor in my stomach. I knew it was coming. I’ve even planned out exactly what I am going to say, but now that I can hear the hope in his voice, my courage falters.
“How’s your day been?” I ask, sidestepping his comment.
He exhales a long breath. One I can feel all the way down to my bones. “Tired as hell. They got me on the dozer so it’s not too bad but it’s hot as hell here and I’m workin’ twelve-hour days. The damn humidity is gonna kill me.”
“You better stay hydrated,” I tell him with a nervous laugh.
“You better pack light clothes when you come see me in two weeks.” The sound of hope in his voice crushes my soul. “I can’t wait to show you around and introduce you to my band. They are so sick of me talkin’ about you and Caroline.”
Silence fills the line and he lets go of a long sigh. “You didn’t talk to him, did you?” The weight of his disappointment is not spared with this question.
“I was going to but…”
“But what? I haven’t seen you in months. Your mom already said she’d help out with Caroline. I don’t see what the problem is.”
“Linc, please.”
“I need you here. I’m not sure I can do this without you. This is the biggest night of my life.”
My heart aches. I want to be there for him. I know how important this is to him. He’s snagged a coveted spot on open mic night at the Bluebird Café, which is huge for a singer and songwriter. It is his first real chance at being discovered.
“Linc, of course you can do it without me. You’re gonna blow them all away. Trust me, you don’t need me to be there to accomplish that.”
“Yeah, but it won’t mean shit if you’re not here.” Another long sigh and his pained voice grows harder. “Why can’t you just tell him you’re going and that’s it?”
“Because he’s not going to let me come.”
“Why?”
“Linc.”
“Goddamn it, Syl. Why?” he barks.
I tense at his demanding tone. He’s never spoken to me this way and it pisses me off.
“Because he doesn’t want us to be friends anymore,” I toss out carelessly.
And the second I say the words, I immediately want to take them back.
I hate that I’m hurting him but I need to start being honest with myself, even if that means upsetting him. The dynamics of our relationship has changed and we must start accepting that.
“You were mine first, damn it!” I hear a loud crack in the background, and I squeeze my eyes shut against it, trying not to think about what he just hit.
Might as well have been my heart though, because Lord knows it’s in a million pieces right now.
“He’s my husband. I chose this, Linc.”
“No, you didn’t choose anything. You accepted it. There’s a big fuckin’ difference. I gave you an out. You wouldn’t take it.”
“Oh right, so you can pursue your career with a girl you kissed once and another man’s baby in tow. Give me a break, Linc. That’s not how you saw your life playing out.”
“No, it’s not. But I would have happily taken it. If it meant havin’ you here with me.”
“Why do you say these things to me?”
“Because I don’t want you to ever forget how I feel about you. You’re not supposed to be with him. You’re supposed to be with me.”
My heart aches so much, knowing how much I’m hurting him. He doesn’t deserve this. He deserves so much more. Just because I’m miserable doesn’t mean he should be, too.
“Don’t you get it? I can’t be with you!” Digging deep for courage, I say the words I hope will push him away for good. “You need to move on, Linc.”
“Move on from what? The only girl I’ve ever loved. Impossible. You need to grow a backbone and tell your husband you’re in love with me.”
I gasp, his words inflating my heart but draining my soul. “Stop saying shit like that to me.”
“Why? Because it’s the truth?” he grits. “You know what, just forget it. I don’t want you here anyway.”
“Fuck you, Linc,” I scream, my voice raw with pent-up emotion.
“Fuck you!”