Past
If I thought, for one second, that not having Linc in my life would be any easier, I was seriously fooling myself.
Because this hurts far worse.
Not being able to talk to him is pure agony. But I only have myself to blame. I’m the one who pushed him away. And while deep down I know it’s for the best, it does nothing to help with the pain.
After dropping Caroline off to spend the day with my mother, I head to the Blue and White to meet Rachel for lunch. She and Will arrived back from Nashville late last night and I’ve been dying to know how the show went, how Linc is doing, and if he asked about me at all.
It has been two weeks since that phone call but the hateful words spoken are still raw and fresh in my mind.
We are halfway through lunch before I even have the nerve to broach the subject. But nothing could have prepared me for the words that come next.
“He’s seeing someone,” Rachel says, and the words prick at my heart.
“What?”
Rachel bows her head, shoveling the remains of her chicken salad around her plate. “Her name is Charlotte. She’s really nice. Very pretty. Disgustingly polite. They’ve only been talking for a few weeks. Linc says it’s nothing serious, but you can tell they are comfortable around each other.”
God, I’m so glad I didn’t go. Because if seeing him with someone else was half as bad as hearing about it, I would have broken down on the spot.
“She asked about you,” Rachel continues. “Said you’re all he talks about and she can’t wait to meet you.”
“I’m not sure how I feel about that,” I tell her honestly, because I truly don’t.
A part of me is glad he found someone and is moving on, but the selfish, much larger part hates her and we’ve never even met.
“Maybe this is for the best. I mean…I wanted you two together more than anyone but it’s clear fate has other plans.”
I’ve told myself that very same thing a million times but for some damn reason, my heart refuses to believe it.
“How was the show?” I ask, trying to move on to a less painful subject.
Rachel’s eyes light up. “Oh, Sylvie, he was amazing. I’ve never seen him sing like that. He was so passionate and energetic. Will and I were both blown away. He’s written some new songs and the crowd…wow…they really love them some Lincoln Cole.”
My smile grows bigger, pride swelling in my chest. “I wish I could have been there.”
“Well,” she starts, reaching for her bag. “He did ask me to give you this.”
It is a plain white envelope with my name written in Linc’s messy scribble across the front. My breath stalls and the urge to rip it open is strong, but I quietly thank her and tuck it inside of my purse to read later.
Rachel continues to tell me about their trip, but the only thing I can think about are the words waiting for me.
After we finish lunch, I don’t even make it to my car before I retrieve the letter from my bag. I hold it in my hand for what seems like forever before I finally rip it open. There is a crisp piece of paper and a crinkled one.
I read the neat one first.
Syl,
I’m not sure where to start. I usually have no problem putting my feelings into words but I’m struggling today. Mostly because I would prefer to say these things to you face-to-face rather than put them on paper, but every time I try to do that, it either comes out the wrong way or at the wrong time. But then again, I guess there will never be a right time for me to feel this way, because whether I like it or not, you belong to him.
It kills me to say that out loud.
Seeing it in black and white is even more painful. Because it makes it real. I guess in the back of my mind I’ve been holding on to the hope that this wouldn’t last. I know that sounds selfish but it’s the truth. I love you. More than you will ever know, and I regret every single day that passed by without me telling you just how much you mean to me. I’m holding on to something I never had and deep down I know I have to let it go.
I know that.
But I can’t.
I don’t know how.
You are the most important person in my life and I don’t see that ever changing. So, for now, I accept what we are.
Friends.
I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you on the phone, but I’m not sorry for what I said. I meant every word. Even though we can’t be together, I’m not willing to give you up. I don’t give a shit what he says. You’re my best friend and that will NEVER change.
Never.
But the fact remains that you are married, and as much as I don’t want to, I must respect that. But make no mistake—I’m not going anywhere. I won’t allow you to push me away and neither will he. I love you, Syl. I always will. I’ll call you in a few days. Give Caroline a kiss for me.
Love,
Linc
It is impossible to contain my emotions. They stream down my face, landing on the paper in my lap, coursing through my veins and instilling relief inside my heart. No matter what happens, Linc will always be there, and the knowledge leaves me with an immense amount of comfort.
And pain.
Remembering the crinkled up sheet of paper behind his letter, I gasp when I realize what it is. It has faded with time but the words that had started our lifelong friendship are still there, written with swift determination on a piece of paper, marking a place and time I will never forget.
Friends forever.