Present
The rain had set in following our intense moment in the kitchen, preventing Linc’s return to work on the house the following day. I’m grateful. It gives me the chance to regain control over my emotions. Which are all over the place right now. The way they’ve always been when it comes to him.
As I pour myself a cup of coffee, I hear the crunch of gravel on my driveway. He’d sent a text message last night saying he would be back today, weather permitting, and the early morning sun shining down on his pickup tells me the rain has finally taken leave.
Coffee in hand, I make my way out onto the back porch.
“Mornin’, Syl,” he greets, retrieving his tool belt from the cab of his truck and buckling it around his waist. I try hard not to admire the way the worn leather hangs from his hips, but it’s awfully hard.
I take a tentative sip from my mug. “Where’s your helper?”
He reaches inside his truck and grabs a mesh hat from the dash that has Dawson’s written across the front, pulling it down low on his brow.
“It’s his day off.” He grins. “Don’t worry, I brought water today.”
Well, that’s a relief.
“But I forgot my lunch.”
Shit.
I spin on my heel and hightail it inside. His chuckle sneaks through the screen before I slam the door.
When I get to the kitchen, Caroline is pouring juice into a cup. “Good morning, sweet girl,” I say, kissing the top of her head. “Sleep good?” She nods and takes her juice to the table. I get the griddle and the pancake mix out as well as a pack of bacon. “So what do you want to do today?” It’s Memorial Day so no school for her and I’m off work. I thought it would be good for us to get out of the house and spend some time together.
I look over my shoulder when she doesn’t answer and find her nose buried in her new book. “Caroline?”
Her brown eyes meet mine. “Ma’am?”
“I asked what you would like to do today.”
“Can’t we just stay here?” she asks softly.
I stop what I’m doing and take a seat at the table next to her. Her bare feet dangle from the chair and her dark hair is a tangled mess as she sits quietly reading her book. She’s so withdrawn. And I fear it’s only getting worse. Not only from me, but also from everyone. She doesn’t even like to leave the house anymore.
“I think we should get out and do something fun today. We could go see a movie,” I say, brushing the hair from her eyes with my hand.
She shakes her head, her tormented eyes meeting mine. “I just want to stay here, Mama, please.”
I give in. Because it’s easier, and right now we both need easy. “Okay. We’ll stay here. Would you like to help me in the garden later then?”
With a nod and a small smile, she returns to her book, and I get up to finish making her breakfast.
A few hours later, my hands and knees are covered in dirt and mud. Caroline and I have spent most of the morning weeding the beds around the back of the house and planting new seeds in our small vegetable garden. Gardening has become somewhat therapeutic for me. There’s something about planting a seed, watering it, nurturing it, and watching it grow into something beautiful or bountiful that fills my heart with a happiness I can’t quite describe. Mama says it stems from my need to take care of everyone around me. I just feel like it’s the only thing I’m good at besides being Caroline’s mother.
And even some days that’s questionable.
Caroline is always inquisitive about what we plant. How much sunlight it will need to grow, how much water it will require to sustain fruitful life. It took me a long time to master my green thumb. But she seems to enjoy it as much as I do and even checks out books at the library about plants and flowers and anything else she can get her hands on. She’s such a smart little girl.
Far smarter than I ever was.
She went inside a few minutes ago to get us both something to drink but she hasn’t returned. My little helper has gone AWOL. I smile, thinking she probably picked up her book, unable to put it down for too long.
Once I have the plants potted and situated, I gather up my garden tools and head for the shed to put them away but stop abruptly when I turn the corner to round the back of the house.
The air in my lungs flees on a gasp as I focus on the sight before me.
Linc and Caroline are sitting on the tailgate of his pickup, her dirt-covered feet swinging back and forth. She has the biggest smile on her face. I clutch the items in my hand closer to my chest as warmth invades my heart and a smile smothers my own face. I take a step back, hiding behind my rose bush so I can savor this moment.
She hasn’t smiled like that in so long. I swallow around the lump in my throat, my ears straining to hear their conversation, but all I hear is laughter before, finally, Linc’s deep voice asks, “So how’s school?”
Caroline shrugs. “It sucks. I hate it. The kids all look at me like I’m from another planet.”
He nudges her shoulder. “Ever think they just look at you because you’re beautiful?”
A shy smile tugs the corner of her mouth. “No, they look at me like that because they feel sorry for me, because of what my daddy did.”
Linc’s face falls but he doesn’t falter. “You know, you should never let anyone make you feel bad about your dad. He loved you very much.” Caroline toys with the hem of her shirt, rubbing her bare feet together nervously. Linc reaches for her hand. “It’s okay to talk about him, with me or your mom.”
“Mama doesn’t like to talk about him,” she says, so quietly I almost don’t hear her.
I cover my mouth to trap the sob threatening to escape.
“It’s been hard on her, it’s been hard on you both, but it’s okay to talk about him. It’s okay to be sad and angry, that’s normal. But you need to remember all the good things, too.”
“That’s what the counselor said.”
Linc scoots closer. “If you ever need to talk to anyone, you can always talk to me,” he says.
Caroline looks up at him, her eyes wide and hopeful. “I’m so glad you’re back. Don’t ever leave again, okay? We need you.”
My heart twists and turns in my chest.
Linc clenches his jaw. “I’m not going anywhere. Not ever again. I promise.”
She nods, content with his response, and surprisingly, so am I.
“Linc?”
“Yeah?”
“Can you sing me a song?”
“You want me to sing you a song?” He laughs.
She nods. “When I’m sad or when I want to smile, I always listen to your songs.”
Like mother, like daughter.
Pride washes over his face as he leans down to kiss the top of her head. The walls around my heart struggle to keep my emotions at bay. “Well, I’ll do anything to keep that smile on your face.” He hops down from the truck.
“Where are you going?” she asks.
“Just so happens I have my guitar with me today,” he tells her with a wink.
Caroline beams at him as he reaches the cab of the truck. After retrieving his old guitar from the backseat, he takes his place again next to her.
“Any requests?”
She taps her chin as if she’s trying to decide, but I know what song she’ll choose before she even says it. “‘Sweet Caroline?’”
“I was hopin’ you’d say that.” He grins.
He strums the strings, finding the melody easily. He’s sung this song to her a million times. She never grows tired of hearing it and honestly, neither do I. It never fails to bring a smile to my face or light a fire in my heart. Finally finding my feet, I walk toward them, no longer able to stay away.
Just as Linc reaches the chorus, Caroline jumps up in the back of the truck, dancing and stomping her bare feet.
Laughter erupts from my chest, my heart swelling with happiness. Something I haven’t felt in a really long time. Linc’s eyes find mine and he gives me wink, a wave of warmth enveloping me. I mouth thank you before turning to face Caroline.
“C’mon, Mama! Dance with me,” she squeals, reaching out her arms to me.
I shake my head but when she brings her clasped hands beneath her chin and pokes out her bottom lip, I can’t deny her. Dropping my tools to the ground, I climb in the back of the truck and dance with my baby girl while Linc sings his heart out just for us.
The remainder of the day has been one of the best I can remember in a long time. We went in for lunch after Linc’s mini jam session where he took request upon request from Caroline, even humoring her with a few Taylor Swift songs. The man never ceases to amaze me. His ear for sound and his ability to pick up on a melody so quickly is a remarkable gift. The tension between us eased up with Caroline around, and when the time arrives for him to go, we have found our comfort zone with each other once more.
It’s nearly dark when I wander out onto the porch and find Linc packing up his tools and loading up his truck.
“I won’t be here tomorrow so make sure you bring water and your lunch.”
He chuckles, the sound soothing and warm. “I will.”
Slamming the tailgate of his truck, he walks to the foot of the steps. The porch light illuminates his face as a smile teases the corners of his lips.
I fold my arms across my chest.
I’ve never had to fight so hard at it. When Dean was here it was easier to mask. But now that he’s gone, it’s taking everything I have to cover it up.
He props a booted foot onto the bottom step. “We’ll be finished tomorrow.”
“Good.”
Step.
“Doesn’t mean I’m finished with you though.”
Step.
“Told ya I ain’t goin’ nowhere.” Linc plants his feet on the porch, standing directly in front of me, eyes gleaming with affection. The green irises set my body on fire and build an inferno of heat, raging in my heart and between my legs.
“What’s for dinner?”
I smile because, damn it all to hell, when it comes to him, I can’t help myself. “Fish sticks and macaroni and cheese.”
He smirks. “You know that’s my favorite.”
One minute I’m standing on my front porch, trying desperately to resist him. And the next minute, I’m in his arms…
Giving in.
His lips claim mine, soft yet hard paired with unmistakable determination. His warm tongue tangles with mine, tasting of deep longing and strong desire.
The kiss of that desperate boy long ago pales in comparison to that of this unyielding man.
I throw my arms around his shoulders as he backs me into the door. “I’ve waited a fuckin’ lifetime for this,” he whispers across my lips before seizing them once more, renewing his passion.
I’ve dreamed of this moment for so long, to feel his touch, to taste his lips once more. The possessive manner in which his fingers brand my skin, the way his tongue greedily slides against mine.
Linc begins to slow the kiss but I’m not ready for it to end, so I dig deeper and pull tighter, in my vain attempt to soar higher.
I don’t want to let this moment go.
Ever.
His hands cup my face and I can sense him trying to pull away, so I let him, because otherwise I’ll beg him to take me right here and now. His forehead rests against mine, and I take this opportunity to breathe him in.
“God, I’ve missed you so much.”
“I’ve missed you, too,” I say, still trying to grasp the reality of what is happening. “I still can’t believe you’re here.”
His eyes meet mine as confusion settles on his face. “Why?”
“Because of everything that’s happened between us. Because of everything I said to you. I thought you would hate me forever. It’s what I wanted.”
“I could never hate you.”
“I would hate me,” I whisper.
His hands move to my back, pulling me into his chest. “Know what I hate? I hate what he’s done to you. I hate what he took away from us, and most of all, I hate that you’re still letting him.”
God, I hate it, too.
“It’s time.”
“I know.” I agree, because even though I don’t deserve him, I need him in order to survive this.