Past
My mother’s eyes are filled with unshed tears as she adjusts my veil. This is my mother’s veil. I’m also wearing her wedding gown, the same one she wore the day she married my father almost twenty years ago.
Although, we had to have it taken out a little around the midsection so my tiny bump wouldn’t be quite so obvious.
I guess you can say things moved pretty fast with Dean. His need for me only intensified and I fed off of it like a starved child. We got careless, and six weeks later, I took a test that changed our lives forever.
Standing in front of the full-length mirror, I twist from side to side. It’s not too noticeable, but everyone knows, or at the very least suspects I’m pregnant. Why else would a seventeen-year-old girl get married, unless she’s absolutely crazy?
“I can’t believe my baby is getting married and having a baby.” My mother dabs the corners of her eyes with a tissue, smiling weakly back at me. She’s been crying all day. And while I couldn’t really blame her, I didn’t want to cry on my wedding day.
She wraps her arms around my waist, hugging me close as tears fill my own eyes. “You don’t have to do this. We’ll help you take care of the baby while you go to community college. You can live with us forever if you want.” I’m pretty sure those weren’t my father’s sentiments. He couldn’t even look at me without disappointment in his eyes.
“Everything will be okay, Mama. I promise.”
“But do you love him?” she asks, and my troubled heart aches.
Answering quickly, I give her the reassurance she’s seeking. “Of course I do.”
I do love Dean. Very much. But this is not how I imagined my life would be. I haven’t even graduated high school yet and here I am, pregnant and about to get married. Dean promises me he will take care of us and I believe him, but the truth is I’m scared to death.
I have no idea how to be someone’s mother much less someone’s wife and the pull Dean has on me feels like it’s impossible to escape, his need for me too powerful to fight. The more time we spend together, the more I begin to realize that darkness inside of him runs deep.
Much deeper than I thought.
A week after I found out I was pregnant, he came to pick me up from school, arriving just as I was walking out with Linc. You would think I was making out with him the way Dean reacted. He was so angry. If I hadn’t gotten between them…there’s no telling what Dean would have done.
Fortunately, I was able to calm him down. However, his possessiveness and jealousy has only grown stronger since. Anytime I even mention Linc’s name, I can expect a fight. To the point where I avoid mentioning him at all. I know it has a lot to do with Dean’s insecurities. The way his parents treated him and his sister growing up and how they pretty much abandoned them both before they died.
So in an effort to reassure Dean, I distanced myself from Linc.
I hate it.
I hate not being able to talk to him whenever I want and share my life with him. It’s killing me inside, like a part of my heart is slowly dying.
A knock sounds at the door, forcing me to step away, and I am relieved when I hear Linc’s voice. “Is it safe to come in?”
“Sure, c’mon in, sweetie,” my mother says.
A gasp tumbles from my lips as he walks into the room, looking devastatingly handsome dressed in his tux. I wasn’t sure if he would show up today because he’s been so distant lately. I know he’s disappointed about me not going to Nashville with him. To be honest, I am, too.
Linc kisses my mother’s cheek, never taking his eyes off of me. “Mind if I have a moment alone with my girl, Mrs. Dawson?”
My chest tightens, knowing soon I won’t be his girl anymore. Soon, I will belong to someone else.
Looking between the two of us, she smiles. “Sure. I’ll send your father back in about ten minutes, sweetheart.” My mother hugs me once more before leaving the room.
The second the door closes, Linc clasps my hand in his, the warmth of his touch gifting me with a small measure of comfort. “How’re you feeling?” he asks, his voice a little shakier than usual.
I shrug, unsure if he’s asking about my mental condition or physical one. “No nausea today, so that’s good.”
He nods and takes a step closer, bringing an extreme amount of heat with him. My face flames and my body reacts the way it always has.
Guilt smothers me.
I’m about to marry another man. I’m pregnant with his child for heaven’s sake, but the feelings I have for Linc are still prevalent. Being with Dean hasn’t diminished that in the least. And I think that’s what terrifies me the most.
That these feelings will never go away.
“There’s…there’s something I need to tell you.” The hand holding mine squeezes before he closes his eyes and exhales a long breath. “You can’t marry Dean.”
I jerk my hand from his and turn to face the mirror. I can’t look him in the eyes right now, because if I do he might see right through me. “Don’t be ridiculous, Linc. We’ve talked about this. This is the right thing to do.”
His eyes hold mine in the mirror, looking into the deepest part of my soul; he speaks softly but with underlying conviction. “I’m in love with you.”
My hand flies to my throat but it does nothing to stop my heart from trying to pound its way out of my chest. He reaches for my arm and spins me in place. His warm hands cradle my cheeks, desperate eyes locking with mine. “I’m in love with you, Sylvie. I’ve always been in love with you. I was just too damn scared to do anything about it. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, or worse, lose you. I can’t lose you. Please, don’t marry him. Please. Because someday, I want you to marry me.”
I bathe in his words. The ones I have longed to hear from him for so long. But just as quick as they invade my heart, they destroy my soul completely. Anger gnaws at my gut as blood heats in my veins.
Why is he doing this now?
Now that it’s too late.
Reaching for his wrists, I pull his hands away from my face, but his touch obliterates my resolve. He holds me steady, and before I can protest, his lips seize mine.
In my head I scream no.
I know I should not be kissing Linc just minutes before I am to marry Dean, but my heart selfishly takes everything it can from this kiss.
Because, deep down, I know this can never happen again.
Slipping my hands between his arms, I clutch his smooth face, pulling in a deep breath through my nose, inhaling every single breath of him. His tongue tangles with mine possessively as he wraps his arms around my waist, holding me close.
I never want him to let me go.
I want to lose myself in this moment forever.
My mind finally catches up with the moment and what we’re doing. My hands shove at the wall of his chest but he doesn’t budge.
“Sylvie,” he pleads against my lips, and my heart crumbles.
Tears clog my throat as I push at his arms, twisting my head away from his seeking mouth. “Linc, please.”
His forehead rests on my cheek, both of us searching for air.
After a few moments, I take a step back, attempting to regain some shred of composure. Then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror once more. Taking in my bloodshot eyes and my swollen lips.
Shame swallows me whole.
Linc continues to hold my hand. “Please don’t do this. I can’t leave this room without you,” he says, pain embedded in his voice.
“It’s too late, Linc.”
He squeezes my hand tighter. “No, it’s not. It’s never too late.”
I bring my free hand to my lower belly, knowing damn well it is. I will never regret this child. I plan on being the best mother and wife I can be, but I will always regret not telling Linc how I feel about him.
I shake my head; unable to find the words I need to let him go.
He takes a step closer. “Do you love me?”
“Linc, don’t do this to me, please.”
His hand shoots to the side of my neck, bringing my eyes to his. “Answer me, Sylvie. Do you love me?”
He can see it. I know he can. My heart is screaming so loud inside my chest; my ears are ringing with the truth. But if I confess my true feelings for him, it will only make it worse.
For him and for me.
“No.”
He stands silent, hope dying in his eyes right before me. It is too painful to watch so I close my eyes, tears flowing down my burning cheeks.
“You’re a liar,” he says. “You’ll regret this. Just because you made a mistake doesn’t mean you have to marry the guy.”
My blood heats as I grit my teeth and jerk his hand away from my face. I walk toward the door, determined to prove I am indeed making the right decision.
I snatch my bouquet of white calla lilies from the vase, remembering my mother’s request to choose another flower.
These always make me think of funerals, Sylvie, not weddings. You should go with roses instead.
Well, I made the right choice about that, too. They couldn’t be more appropriate, considering my youth will die at the altar today, along with all the love I harbor inside for Linc. But hidden deep within the confines of my soul, I know only one of those is the truth.