Chapter Twenty-seven
Madison
I loved what Cole did to me. How he pushed me, took me to the brink and reeled me back, only to begin again. I didn’t want the wild ride of ecstasy to end. He wrung pleasure from my body until I was limp. Every inch of me satisfied.
Except…I felt hollow inside.
One plus one did not equal three, and I’d come to understand that was what Cole and I amounted to. We didn’t add up. The realization was the one truth I had been hiding from. Now facing the mirror, with Cole behind me again, I couldn’t ignore it any longer.
“Look at you,” he murmured, pride filling his voice.
A lump formed in my throat. Cole’s approval was the one thing I’d craved and now I had it, I realized it wasn’t worth everything I’d given. He’d lied to me. The person I’d always seen as honest and true, who hid nothing. Bitterness clogged my throat as I looked at my reflection… Madison St. James in all her entirety—naked and real—and for the first time I didn’t flinch. I liked what I saw. A strong, independent woman.
Would Cole ever see me that way?
I deserved more. Today, I’d fought against everything I’d known. Had sacrificed my relationship with my mother. My own future. Was I really going to give my love to Cole? Because I knew now I loved him. Loved him for his fierce sense of righteousness. His utter adoration of Jess. I loved him for the way he threw himself into everything, no holds barred, all or nothing.
Except when it came to me. He had held himself back from me. That was what hurt the most. That he could never truly love me without the reservations that came from my previous life.
And that was no life, either.
To be so close to what I wanted and know it only served as poison. Cole was the best thing that had ever happened to me. And the worst person for me.
My heart broke even as my resolve strengthened.
I drew a deep breath. “I think…I think I’d like you to go now.” I dropped my gaze, too raw to hold his eyes in the mirror. I couldn’t face all of the emotions he was finally letting show. Everything I’d been waiting for. Wishing for.
“What?”
Cole tried to turn me in his arms but I moved away, covering myself with my robe.
“Please. Go.”
“Madison, I know you didn’t realize about your mother—”
“And that makes what you did okay?” I felt like screaming, he was so removed from the truth. I held onto my anger, knowing it was the only thing that would get me through the next few minutes. “Don’t you get it, Cole? You lied to me. I don’t want to live with lies.”
Cole scrubbed a hand through his hair, confusion clouding his features. “This is stupid. I had good reason not to tell you.”
“A good reason for you. But not a good enough reason for me.” I moved to the other side of the bed, hugging my arms to my chest to stop myself running back to him. “All my life I’ve done what everyone else wanted. Except when it came to you.” I shook my head, my throat constricted. “I was willing to give up my relationship with my mother. For you. What did you give me in return?” My question sparked a flicker of anger in my belly and I clung to it, cultivating it like the fragile flame it was.
“I barely know you.” Cole held up his hands as if trying to stop me. “You can’t expect me to—”
“To what? Trust me?” I asked the question for him. “And yet I trusted you.”
“It’s not that easy,” Cole protested.
“It is that easy.” It had been for me. I looked at him, my heart aching for what could have been. Never again would I sell myself short. And with Cole, I would always be left wondering what he harbored under the seething mess of his anger. What he really thought of me. He’d made me confront myself and in the end it hadn’t been enough for him.
I tipped my face toward him, letting him see the truth. “I want you to leave. Please.”
Cole shook his head, his gaze swinging from me to the door and back again, disbelief hardening into anger. “If I go, Jess will come with me,” he threatened. “You’ll be left with nothing. No one.”
“I know.” The idea of losing Jess hurt almost as much as the thought of losing Cole. But maybe it was better this way. Maybe I had to be truly stripped of everything before I could begin to rebuild on my own.
“Have it your way.” Cole pushed past me and strode down the hall to Jess’s room. “But you’re making a huge mistake.”
“I might be,” I admitted, holding back my tears. “At least it’s my mistake.”
I locked myself in me bathroom, letting the sound of raised voices and slamming doors wash over me. Perched on the edge of the tub, I held still, staring at the door, praying Cole would burst in and tell me he didn’t mean it…that he loved me.
The fact he didn’t only confirmed what I had known all along. Cole could never forgive me for being Madison St. James.
The final slam of the front door rattled the walls and the apartment fell quiet. Only then did I venture out of the bathroom into the empty rooms.
Or nearly empty.
“I told him I wasn’t leaving.” Jess stood in the doorway of her bedroom, her chin jutting upward. “Unless you want me to?” Her eyes flickered uncertainly.
It was seeing Jess that did it. Knowing I had someone, when I thought I had just lost everything. I fell to my knees, finally giving in to the grief of my breaking heart. My friend rushed over and held me tight, telling me everything would be all right.
When we both knew nothing could ever be the same.