Chapter Ten
Madison
Three days.
It had been three days since I had left Baltimore. Three days since I’d experienced the highs and gut-clenching lows of meeting Cole. Three days in which I had sat in my apartment, my mind numb, my body number.
When Cole had stormed off from the hotel, he’d taken something with him. That was what it felt like, anyway. That I’d been left with nothing. Less than nothing. Because in the hotel room with Cole that night, I had realized something was missing in my life. Truth. Genuineness. Call it what you like. It was intrinsic and real.
Ever since then, I’d wanted to stay in the stasis of my apartment forever. Unfortunately, even stasis had a way of moving things along. A fitting for an important charity event finally dragged me out of the apartment, and I joined in on a weekly engagement with some of my more privileged acquaintances. I’d had some vague idea that sitting in a restaurant eating miniscule portions at hair-raising prices would be better than sitting at home alone.
I should have known better. Glancing around the group of women I called friends, I realized I would never be the same.
Friends. To call them friends implied we cared for each another, yet truthfully, I didn’t know anything of them, beneath the surface of air kisses and gushing over their latest Vera Wang’s. To look too hard would be to acknowledge we weren’t the beautiful people everyone else wished they could be.
I’d never pull out the f-word.
Feelings.
I could never cry with any of them over a tub of rocky road in our onesies, or confide the truth of how I didn’t think I was good enough. No. I laughed and postured with virtual strangers, linked by name and status only.
Just like my fake engagement.
The ultimate lie.
I twisted the ring around my finger, feeling the burn of metal against my skin like a hypocrite’s brand. Self-loathing rose in a tide from the pit of my stomach until all I wanted to do was wrench the stupid thing off and hurl it across the restaurant. Except I couldn’t. That would involve telling my friends about my broken engagement.
What was I scared of?
Was it because deep down, despite my fantasy night with Cole, I knew there was a chance I’d go back to Logan? It would be so much easier. I was down to my last dollar and realization had hit that I’d squandered my life, using beauty instead of brains so I had nothing left to fall back on.
I held in a sigh, my broccolini and pumpkin seed salad sitting like lead in my belly. Logan might have used me for arm-candy and money, but I’d used him too. Oh, I’d wanted to believe we could fall in love—but in the end, we deserved everything we’d gotten from each other. And everything we hadn’t.
I’d used Cole too.
That was my bigger regret. Cole hadn’t been able to look at me when he’d left me by the elevators. Truth was, I’d walk away from myself too, if I could.
After the horrible lunch with my mother, seeing him in the lobby, it was like my heart had started beating again. All I’d wanted was to fit back into his arms and hold off reality a moment longer. And it’d felt good—oh, so good—when he’d backed me into the alcove and pressed his body against mine. So hot and hard and needy.
Until his bitter accusations had spelled out the truth. I was a fraud. I’d been a different Madison that night. Confident. Teasing. Willing to give as much as I got. Cole had lapped it up. Lapped me up. Never realizing the Madison I’d presented hadn’t been real.
Did a real Madison St. James even exist? Or was I just a reflection of what everyone else wanted me to be?
“Madison!”
I jumped as Noelle clicked her fingers in front of my face.
“Earth to Madison. I said I hear your mother has secured Del Arco for your wedding.”
“Is it true?” Candice directed a perfectly arched stare across the top of her glass.
I blinked and re-gathered my thoughts.
“Yes.” I confirmed the gossip.
Candice’s eyes tightened as she held my stare a moment longer.
“Oh. My. God. He’s the best planner ever.” Rebecca broke the moment, gushing into her crab and white truffle tortellini. “Mummy paid a fortune for him to do my sweet sixteen. Do you remember? I mean, seriously. The ice sculpture was to die for.”
“Ice sculpture? Forget the ice sculpture. Your lawn was an honest-to-God skating rink!” Noelle threw her hands up in mock disgust. Two parts mock. One part disgust.
Rebecca looked smug, and so she should. Her parents had paid good money for her party to be the topic of conversation six years later.
“So, what’s he going to do for your wedding?” Candice’s tone was cool as she turned my attention back to her.
I itched to tell them the truth about Logan. It clung to my skin like a polyester suit in the rain. Now was the time.
“I-I’m not…” I stumbled. Panic locked my throat tight. “That is…I’m not…”
Going to marry him. The words sounded so simple in my head, but I couldn’t force them past my lips.
I squeezed my fingers into a knot in my lap. “I’m not sure.” I trailed off lamely.
Rebecca tilted her head, her brow puckering. For a horrible moment, I thought she might ask what was wrong and the wall holding back my dam of emotions trembled.
“Is something going on we should know about?” Candice’s eyes gleamed hungrily, pulling me back from the edge. She would love nothing more than to see me get pushed off the social ladder.
Ten, nine, eight… I counted down to an expansive smile. “Yes. I am looking forward to seeing what Del Arco has in store for my wedding,” I said on the outgoing breath. “Mother will make certain it’s quite an event, I’m sure.” I took a sip of water to hide the waver in my voice.
And didn’t miss the disappointment flash across Candice’s face.
My phone interrupted the silence and I grabbed at it, even knowing who lay in wait at the other end.
“Mother.” I excused myself from the table with an apologetic pout to take refuge around the corner of the building. As soon as I was out of sight, I sagged against the brickwork.
“Madison. Have you reinstated your engagement to Logan yet?” No prelude or niceties. No hint of concession in my mother’s voice.
I gritted my teeth, my grip tightening on the phone. It’d only been three days since I’d seen her. And yes, I had given some thought to my relationship with Logan, but had decided I was in too vulnerable a place to make decisions about my future.
“You need to get on with it.” My mother took my silence as acknowledgement that I’d let her down. Her breath hissed in my ear. “I mean, for goodness sake. Do I have to take care of everything?”
“No.” The last thing I needed was Patricia St James coming to Wellsford to take care of things. “I’m going to see him. In fact, I’m…ah…on my way to his office now.”
“Good.” My mother warmed a little. “That gives us time to ensure things are smoothed over prior to the St. Mathews Hospital event.” She sighed at my continued silence. “You haven’t forgotten about it, have you? You and Logan must be picture perfect. The Governor will be there.”
I made a face. I hadn’t forgotten about the charity event. That was where I’d been earlier, with Noelle getting fitted with a designer gown for the auction. What had slipped My mind was the fact Logan was supposed to be partnering me.
“I’ll see him,” I said. Meaning it this time.
“Good girl.” My mother breathed an audible sigh of relief. “I knew I could rely on you to do the right thing.”
The right thing.
I straightened as she ended the call. I had no idea what the right thing was anymore. Was it to expect my husband-to-be would stray from time to time? Or had it been my night with Cole, when every touch, each stroke of his fingers had been a symphony against my skin?
I dropped my phone into my bag and walked back to the table. I hadn’t been missed. The conversation flowed around me as if I were invisible none of them realizing anything was wrong.
How could they not even notice?
Unable to stay and play out the charade any longer, I mumbled a vague excuse about seeing my fiancé, air kissed cheeks and fake-hugged goodbyes, all the time fighting against the bile rising in my throat.
I had someone to see about an engagement.